Some people say theres 2 kinds of pirates; theres the "yo ho ho" or the "yarrggh". I belong to an exclusive third group called:

"I'm not paying $120 a year for photoshop".






*Edit: fixed the price according to google*

An old lady goes to the doctor.

She mentions that no matter what, when she farts, they are always silent and don't smell.

To illustrate her point she lets one go.

Old lady: see doctor it was silent and I don't smell anything.

Doctor: I see, I am going to give you a prescription, then I want you to come back i...

A blonde girl manages to break her door and takes it to a carpenter to get it fixed

Blonde: Could you please fix this for me?

Carpenter: Sure, but if you're here someone could rob your house

Blonde: Oh but how would they enter, the door is with me!

I first heard this one different (read racist) but I think I fixed it

A family of a well known rapper are sitting at the table. Mom, dad and a small child in a high chair.
Suddenly, the child focuses a lot and with effort says: "Mother."

"Look!" exclaims the rapper. "He can say half a word!"

A guy walks Into a bar and says....

And says "Give me a drink, before the trouble starts."

So the bartender gets him a drink.
He drinks it and says "another drink, before the trouble starts."
And so the Guy pounds that and says "one more, before the trouble starts..."

Bartender asks "when's this trouble gonna start...

Sidewalks need to be fixed!

There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would...

So a penguin took his car to get fixed

So a penguin took his car to the shop to get fixed. The mechanic told him it would take a while, so the penguin went across the street to get some ice cream. The penguin got some vanilla ice cream, and had to eat it with his beak because penguins don’t have arms. When he was done with the ice cream,...

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Microsoft office just fixed tables so they don't mess your entire document up if you move it 1mm

jokes, it's still fucked

After every flight the pilots of Qantas airways leave a note to the mechanics that has problems that need to be fixed.When the next flight is due the mechanics leave a report that describes what they've done to fix the problem.

Problem: The left tire almost needs to be replaced
Report: The left tire was almost replaced

Problem: Something is unhooked in the cabin

Report: We rehooked something in the cabin

Problem: The autopilot loses 200 km/h altitude when engaged

Report: We haven't been able ...

I fixed the President of Russia's car

No matter how much grit I Putin, it kept on Stalin

A redneck couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed'.

The doctor started the procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby ...

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I'll never understand women, my wife said to me earlier: "Babe, I'm stuck on 6 across. 8 letters, fixed the highway?"

"Retarred." I replied.

Ungrateful bitch just threw the paper at me and stormed out.

A cardiologist's car breaks down and he goes to a mechanic to get it fixed.

After everything is done, the mechanic asks the cardiologist,

"Here's what I don't understand. I fix engines, and so do you, albeit human ones, so why do you get paid ten times more than I do?"

The cardiologist then turns the ignition on and says, "try it with the engine running."

Did you hear about the man that didn't think his posture could be fixed?

He stood corrected.

I finally fixed that annoying noise in my car.

I opened the door and pushed her out.

A marsupial fixed me an aromatic beverage, by pouring hot water over cured leaves and it was absolutely delightful! I asked how it was possible to make something so awesome at this level and he responded...

"It’s koala tea."

What did the polar bear eat after the dentist fixed it’s tooth?

The dentist

When a family's lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, the wife kept hinting to the husband that he should get it fixed, but somehow, he always had something else to take care of first - the shed, the boat, making beer...

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When the husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. The husband watched silently for a minute, went into the house and came out again with a toothbrush. ...

Yesterday at work this huge measuring tool stopped working and we had to call maintenance to have it fixed...

It was a large scale operation.

A bolt is in love with a nail fixed in a wall on the opposite side of the room...

The feeling doesn't seem to be mutual, so the bolt decides to compliment it and shouts to the nail, "Hey stud!"

"Ugh, screw off!"

Needless to say, the bolt won't be getting nailed tonight.

Fixed to the spot, the squirrel realised ...

he'd buried the wrong nuts.

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

When I bought a fixed gear bike last summer, people called me a hipster.

Commuting to work today in the snow, I finally understood why. I only liked riding my bike before it was cool.

There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home.

He smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven...

What does living with a pregnant woman and being in a hostage situation have in common?

However some people may see it, I can't

Even imagine it in my own

Life because my wife is

Perfect in every way. She makes

Me complete. I love

Every part of her!

What do you call a once broken bike that has since been fixed?

Recycled

When you think about it , zombies are fixed humans .

You just turn them off and on .

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she'd been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. 

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. 

There stood her date. 

He took one look at her and said "I'm two ho...

Ever been to a bulimic's birthday party? (fixed)

The cake jumps out of the girl.

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A little boy is lying in bed, busting to go to the toilet.

So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.

"MUM," the boy yells at the top of his voice, "I GOTTA PISS! I GOTTA PISS!"

Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son's language in front of her guests...

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I watched the weirdest porn ever today. The repair man came over, fixed the garbage disposal, then left. That's it, that's all that happened.

Turns out it wasn't a porno after all, and the Do It Yourself, channel isn't what I thought it would be.

Why didn't Sean Connery get his roof fixed?

He said he "couldn't find a shingle person to do it."

A Nun is very distraught...

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf w...

[Fixed] They say when you shave it, it grows back thicker.

That explains what happened to those pounds my wife "shaved off."

I fixed a snooker table's baize without any assistance...

...I felt it myself!

(as everyone else seems to be doing these...)

George's Last Day

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
<...

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years....

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a fi...

Pizza Google

A man calls Pizza Hut:

--Hello, Pizza Hut?

--No, sir. Pizza Google

--Oh, sorry. Wrong number..

--No sir, it's the correct number, it's just that Google bought Pizza Hut

--Oh... okay, so... take my order, please

--Same as always?

--And how do you know ...

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Two Blondes in Heaven [Fixed]

The Version as I know it.

Three men are standing outside the pearly gates and out comes St Peter.

"Sorry Guys, but Heavens pretty full today, so I can only let one of you in. So for this reason, who ever of you had the worst death gets to come on in."

So the first guy steps for...

[Med. Long] A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed st...

Who do you call when you need a dock fixed?

A docktor.

There's plenty of fish in the sea(fixed)

But until I find one I'm just stuck holding my rod

An American biker decides to travel the world

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Har...

What song did Scar sing when he fixed his car horn?

Beep Repaired


I'll show myself out.

I used to go to Weight Watchers to meet women [FIXED]

Turns out they're way harder to pick up than I thought.

Lourdes

A bar raises $1000 to take a wheelchair bound patron to Lourdes in the hope for a miracle cure.
They get there and dip the man and the wheelchair into the fountain. They pray for his problem to be fixed and when he come up. Hay presto.
The wheels on his chair have stopped squeaking.

A husband buys a car for his wife...

So she can run some errands while hes at work. He gets home from work and sees the car parked a couple houses down. He ask the wife:

Husband: Why is the car parked their?

Wife: I went to the grocery store and on the way back, it just stopped. Can you fix it?

Husband: What d...

socrates the philosopher . . . (fixed)

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a mom...

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The pirate mechanic fixed my sexbot this morning.

"Thar, she blows."

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? [fixed]

You can hang the picture with only one nail.

An elderly woman goes to the doctor's because she is concerned her constant farting.

She says " the farts are always silent and don't smell, but they're a nuisance"

The doctor prescribed some medication, and tells her to be back in a week.

A week later, she comes back, concerned, and complains that her farts are now terribly loud.

The doctor prescribes more medi...

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A farmer calls a carpenter to fix his fence

The carpenter asks what is the problem with the fence. The man explains that the support columns are not strong enough and that his fence keeps falling over.

The carpenter asks "What are your suport columns made of?"

The farmer replies "They are made out of cow manure."

The carp...

Why does Axl Rose have trouble getting his car fixed?

Because no one wants to feel his serpentine.

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An actor gets his first big break...

"Hark, for yonder art thou cannon," the actor states. The part only had the one line.

The director looks excited. "Perfect!" he yells. "You have the job."

"Awesome, when do-" the actor starts before being interrupted by 2 large security guards. They pick him up by the arms and legs and...

St. Peter conducts a census in heaven and realises someone is missing.

So he goes to the computer and realises that an engineer accidentally landed up in hell. He get’s on the phone to Old Nick.

St. Peter: So, Nick, we have an issue with this engineering guy Robert. He is supposed to be with us. Can you send him up?

Nick: Bob? No way. Not going to. Since...

A penguin talks his snowmobile in to get fixed.

The mechanic takes a look at it and says "looks like you blew a seal." penguin replies "no, that's just frosting on my lip."

Army of Fingers (Fixed for formatting)

A long time ago, there was a castle with a king, a queen, and the servants who worked happily, ate healthily and were merry. The king regally sat upon his throne one day, when his lookout came running into his chamber, flustered and out of breath.

"Your majesty, you will never believe what I ...

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Family reunion with Dad and stepmom

Dear Mom,


We are having a great time here at Camp Hazardous Hills. Grandpa is making me write to you in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.


Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on th...

A Local delicacy

Two Italian nuns were visiting New York for a conference. They were walking down the street when they saw a vendor with a big sign that said 'The best hot dogs of New York'.

-Sister, look what that man is selling.

-Ah yes, I have heard about those. Very popular here.

-Is it real...

I told my friend that people on reddit were stupid...

That they spend hours of their precious lives arguing with people they will never meet and getting all emotional about stuff that can't be fixed on the internet, and which changes absolutely nothing.

He said, and you know this how...?

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

It's uncomfortable talking about how i got my cat fixed last week...

But sometimes you gotta call a spayed a spayed

Did you hear about the dyslexic guy who was made homeless by a bug in Photoshop?

He has no fixed Adobe

So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke

And I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....

I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!!!

A woman went to the doctor and told him " I keep farting a lot but, my farts don't smell at all, see I farted 7 times since I came here and you didn't even notice"

The doctor gave her some drugs and told her to come back to me after 10 days.

10 days later the woman came back and it was clear that she's frustrated, she told him that the drug he gave her only made the matter worse and that now her farts smell really bad.

The doctor calmly said : "g...

Who was Michael Jackson? [FIXED]

Son: Dad, is God man or a woman? Dad: He's both, son. Son: Dad, is God black or white? Dad: He's both, son. Son: Dad, is God good or bad? Dad: He's both, son. Son: Dad, is God - Michael Jackson?

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