I fixed the President of Russia's car

No matter how much grit I Putin, it kept on Stalin

Sidewalks need to be fixed!

There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would...

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Microsoft office just fixed tables so they don't mess your entire document up if you move it 1mm

jokes, it's still fucked

A redneck couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed'.

The doctor started the procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby ...

What did the polar bear eat after the dentist fixed it’s tooth?

The dentist

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I'll never understand women, my wife said to me earlier: "Babe, I'm stuck on 6 across. 8 letters, fixed the highway?"

"Retarred." I replied.

Ungrateful bitch just threw the paper at me and stormed out.

A cardiologist's car breaks down and he goes to a mechanic to get it fixed.

After everything is done, the mechanic asks the cardiologist,

"Here's what I don't understand. I fix engines, and so do you, albeit human ones, so why do you get paid ten times more than I do?"

The cardiologist then turns the ignition on and says, "try it with the engine running."

So a penguin took his car to get fixed

So a penguin took his car to the shop to get fixed. The mechanic told him it would take a while, so the penguin went across the street to get some ice cream. The penguin got some vanilla ice cream, and had to eat it with his beak because penguins don’t have arms. When he was done with the ice cream,...

Anything can be fixed by turning it off and on again

Even the US government

I finally fixed that noise in my car.

Just opened the door and pushed her out.

A marsupial fixed me an aromatic beverage, by pouring hot water over cured leaves and it was absolutely delightful! I asked how it was possible to make something so awesome at this level and he responded...

"It’s koala tea."

When a family's lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, the wife kept hinting to the husband that he should get it fixed, but somehow, he always had something else to take care of first - the shed, the boat, making beer...

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When the husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. The husband watched silently for a minute, went into the house and came out again with a toothbrush. ...

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

Yesterday at work this huge measuring tool stopped working and we had to call maintenance to have it fixed...

It was a large scale operation.

Did you hear about the man that didn't think his posture could be fixed?

He stood corrected.

Fixed to the spot, the squirrel realised ...

he'd buried the wrong nuts.

A bolt is in love with a nail fixed in a wall on the opposite side of the room...

The feeling doesn't seem to be mutual, so the bolt decides to compliment it and shouts to the nail, "Hey stud!"

"Ugh, screw off!"

Needless to say, the bolt won't be getting nailed tonight.

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she'd been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. 

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. 

There stood her date. 

He took one look at her and said "I'm two ho...

When I bought a fixed gear bike last summer, people called me a hipster.

Commuting to work today in the snow, I finally understood why. I only liked riding my bike before it was cool.

A Nun is very distraught...

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf w...

A woman went to the doctor and told him " I keep farting a lot but, my farts don't smell at all, see I farted 7 times since I came here and you didn't even notice"

The doctor gave her some drugs and told her to come back to me after 10 days.

10 days later the woman came back and it was clear that she's frustrated, she told him that the drug he gave her only made the matter worse and that now her farts smell really bad.

The doctor calmly said : "g...

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

When you think about it , zombies are fixed humans .

You just turn them off and on .

So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke

And I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....

I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!!!

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I watched the weirdest porn ever today. The repair man came over, fixed the garbage disposal, then left. That's it, that's all that happened.

Turns out it wasn't a porno after all, and the Do It Yourself, channel isn't what I thought it would be.

What do you call a once broken bike that has since been fixed?

Recycled

Ever been to a bulimic's birthday party? (fixed)

The cake jumps out of the girl.

Why didn't Sean Connery get his roof fixed?

He said he "couldn't find a shingle person to do it."

I fixed a snooker table's baize without any assistance...

...I felt it myself!

(as everyone else seems to be doing these...)

A mother is sitting in the car with her three children...

The first girl asks, "mom? Why am I named rose?"

The Mom says "because a rose fell on your head as we were leaving the hospital"

the second girl says "mom why am I named Lily?"

The Mom says "because a Lily fell on your head as we were leaving the hospital"

and then the...

[Fixed] They say when you shave it, it grows back thicker.

That explains what happened to those pounds my wife "shaved off."

Once in a small town lived a guy, who dreamt of having a car

He was fascinated by their speed and beauty, yet his parents wouldn't agree to fulfil his dream and buy it for him. So he changed various jobs, worked part-time and ran errands, anything just to get a bit closer to saving up for that final trophy. But as time came by his bank account didn't seem to ...

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Two Blondes in Heaven [Fixed]

The Version as I know it.

Three men are standing outside the pearly gates and out comes St Peter.

"Sorry Guys, but Heavens pretty full today, so I can only let one of you in. So for this reason, who ever of you had the worst death gets to come on in."

So the first guy steps for...

What song did Scar sing when he fixed his car horn?

Beep Repaired


I'll show myself out.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? [fixed]

You can hang the picture with only one nail.

There's plenty of fish in the sea(fixed)

But until I find one I'm just stuck holding my rod

[Med. Long] A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed st...

I used to go to Weight Watchers to meet women [FIXED]

Turns out they're way harder to pick up than I thought.

Why does Axl Rose have trouble getting his car fixed?

Because no one wants to feel his serpentine.

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A man walked into a pub...

He asked for a beer and sat down to drink. A minute later, a man came and sat next to him and introduced himself as Jerry. Jerry asked the man if he wanted to hear a story. The man nodded in reply. ‘I built this pub’, Jerry started, ‘with my bare hands, wood and nails, but do they call me Jerry the ...

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

socrates the philosopher . . . (fixed)

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a mom...

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The pirate mechanic fixed my sexbot this morning.

"Thar, she blows."

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An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home.

All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Abdullah.

"How do you like it here?" Asked the grandson.
It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said Abdu...

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A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”

Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son...

Why did Ellen Pao fire an employee with cancer? Fixed*

[deleted]

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A guy visits his favorite dominatrix

He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.”

She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.

She runs her whip over his flesh and, as ...

A penguin talks his snowmobile in to get fixed.

The mechanic takes a look at it and says "looks like you blew a seal." penguin replies "no, that's just frosting on my lip."

Army of Fingers (Fixed for formatting)

A long time ago, there was a castle with a king, a queen, and the servants who worked happily, ate healthily and were merry. The king regally sat upon his throne one day, when his lookout came running into his chamber, flustered and out of breath.

"Your majesty, you will never believe what I ...

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A man is driving down the road trough an isolated forest when suddenly he gets a flat tire

A man is driving down the road trough an isolated forest when suddenly he gets a flat tire.

He stops and starts changing the tire when a huge storm starts.

With all the rain the screws got washed away trough the sewers.

He's pissed and soaked lost in the middle of nowhere at nig...

It's uncomfortable talking about how i got my cat fixed last week...

But sometimes you gotta call a spayed a spayed

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Support your local mailman

On John's last day as a mailman after 40 years serving the same neighborhood, the first house on his route gave him a nice gift envelope with $100 in cash.

At the second house, they gave him a box of high-quality cigars.

At the third house, they handed him a selection of great fishing ...

Who was Michael Jackson? [FIXED]

Son: Dad, is God man or a woman? Dad: He's both, son. Son: Dad, is God black or white? Dad: He's both, son. Son: Dad, is God good or bad? Dad: He's both, son. Son: Dad, is God - Michael Jackson?

Success

A guy finds a strange cave entrance in the wilderness. Because curiousity's only hazardous to cats he walks in.

He sees a gorgeous woman inside. The woman lets her single-piece dress fall and says: "Take me or climb higher to success" pointing at the stairs carved from the stone behind her....

Heaven vs. Hell [fixed]

In heaven, the cooks are French, the lovers are Italian, the policemen are British, the mechanics are German, and things are run by the Swiss.

In hell, the cooks are English, the lovers are Swiss, the policemen are German, the mechanics are French, and things are run by the Italians.

A man dies and goes to hell

A man dies and goes to hell. Once he reaches hell he learns that people go to hell depending on how many people hated them. He knows this because he murdered many people and was voted to be executed. He sees someone next to his apartment and says,"Hi what did you do to deserve being here?" The man s...

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