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Fiver Jokes

Why is an executioner a terrible high-fiver?

He always leaves you hanging

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The retiring postman

A Postman was retiring after 35 years of service.

The town's people appreciated his work and presented him different gifts.

In one house a young lady took him to her bedroom gave him good sex, a lavish lunch and a fiver.

The Postman was very happy and asked

\- "But why ...

A story about a small event at a mates house

So basically, we were at my mates house. Now, we were about to leave, and he started banging on about this fiver he lost. Now, I wanted to try and use my phone and I thought about getting it from my pockets, but I couldn't check my pockets because then he'd think I nicked his fiver.

So I go i...

I dinna do it ! Said the drunk man

An Irishman was drinking in a bar. He starts to get up and throws up on a shirt.

" oh no ! Now we wife is gonna know I drank to much"

Guy next to him says "nah your okay. Here's what you do. Put a fiver in your pocket and throw the shirt on the laundry pile. When your wife finds it te...

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I was making an apple pie and realised I was missing an important ingredient. [long]

I got a rather verbose birthday card some time back containing a story - this is my retelling of it:

I was making an apple pie and realised I was missing an important ingredient.

Unfortunately, I was up to my elbows in sticky mixture and didn't really want to have to go through the faf...

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One my Dad used to tell, not sure if it's well known.

A local bum, for the laugh, wanders into a catholic church during mass one day, shouting "I'm Jesus Christ! I'm Jesus Christ!" The priest tells the altar boys to give him a fiver, get rid of him.

The bum thinks 'this is fantastic, off to the church of Ireland next!' Once again, he staggers i...

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A SCOUSER GET KNOCKED OVER....

This scouser gets killed and ends up outside the pearly gates.

He gives the gate a knock and St Peter emerges who says 'For fucks sake not another scouser, im sick of you lot'

The scouser says 'Go ed lar let me I'm

St Peter asks him if he's done anything charitable recently. The...

Found a used tv on eBay

It looked decent only thing was that the volume was stuck on full. Was only a fiver, couldn’t turn it down

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Dave walks into a bar...

He sits down; Then a Stork walks in, and sits next to him... and a cat walks in and sits on the other side.

He ushers the barkeep over and asks for a pint, handing over a £5 note.

The Barman has seen some shit in his time, so he is unfazed, and pours a nice cold pint.

Then the s...

A man walks in his front door, and is confronted by his wife, friends, parents. Everyone he loves is in this room. His wife comes up and hugs him...

“Honey. We all love you, but we need to talk to you.” She says gently.

“About what?” He asks, still in a bit of shock.

“You’re addicted to gambling.” She lets a single tear trickle down her cheek, forcing a weak smile.

He pauses for a long moment...

“FIVE BUCKS SAYS I’M ...

I bought a homeless man a sandwich and a cup of tea...

and I forgot to take a picture and tell the Internet. Absolute waste of a fiver that.

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Postman Pat was retiring...

...and all his post round wished him well, many giving him presents. His last call was to a beautiful blond, and as soon as he put the letters in the box, she opened the door, grabbed him by the shirt, dragged him to the bedroom and had wild sex with him.
Afterwards, heading out, the beautiful b...

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Air force colonel and delta operator head back stateside,

and they're waiting for their plane to arrive. Delta guy just wants to sleep, but the Colonel had several coffees, and to pass the time, suggests a game—“I’ll ask you a question, if you can’t answer, you owe me $5. You ask me a question, if I can’t answer, I owe you $500.” Operator stares blankly, t...

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A man walks into a pub..

And pauses. It's a really crappy place full of smoke and wood and the kind of men who look like they last moved during the second world war.

He walks up to the bar, and orders a pint. As he's drinking, he looks round and spots a huge jar behind the bar, with something long and pale and sausag...

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It's John the mailman's last day on duty.

John has been a mailman for a very long time and the day has finally come where he will deliver the mail for a one last time.

As per usual he goes to the post office to pick up his bag filled with mail and off he goes on that oh so familiar path one last time.

As he stops by the firs...

Bob Weir's yellow dog story

"Now what I think I'll do, is I'll take this opportunity to tell y'all a story. 'Cause y'all haven't heard it yet. And it

goes like this. There was a fellow, and he had a dog, a pet dog. And he used to walk his dog around, every now and

again. And anyway, well, it was a hot summer da...

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A college kid was hitchhiking through the hills of Scotland

A college kid was hitchhiking through the hills of Scotland, when, as is the custom in such areas, an unexpected rainstorm came up. Seeking shelter, he found an old stone pub with a light on, and stumbled in through the front door. The pub was painfully small, with just a handful of stools, a bark...

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