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An Italian’s Tale

I’ma come here to a hotel. I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waiter I wanna two piss toast. He bringa me only onea piss. I tella him I wanna two piss--he say, “Go to the toilet.” I say, “You no unnerstan’. I wanna two piss ona my plate.” He say, “You better no piss ona da plate you sonna ...

The tale of Sister obvious

Once upon a time there was a nun called Sister obvious, they called her that as she was very logical and had a solution for most things.

One day, Sister obvious and a fellow nun was walking home from the market when her fellow nun (let’s call her Sister May) said “Sister, I think there’s a ma...

Daddy, do all fairy tales start with Once upon a time?

No dear, there’s a whole series of fairly tales that start with “If elected, I promise”.

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A tale of two friends !!

One was a very bright student while the other one was quite dumb. The brighter one always helped the other passing exams be it a class test or end term exams. The teachers were quite furious with them and at last, called upon a meeting to discuss with the principal what could be done. All came to th...

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OC: By a hobo, to a hobo, about a hobo (a Melvin tale)

(This story was told to me by my friend Mondo, about our mutual friend Melvin. We're all hobos here, living on the streets in the affluent community of Roseville, California. If you're ever in the area and you see a frail old man carrying a massive green rucksack, give ol' Melvin a beer for me. He w...

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A Tale of a Mental Ward

A sadist, zoophile, murderer, necrophile, pyromaniac, and masochist are in a mental ward together, talking to each other in order.

"I know what we should do, let's torture a cat!" said the sadist.

"After torturing the cat, let's fuck it!" said the zoophile.

"Torture it, fuck it,...

Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin.

One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.

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The Tale of Kevin Bopper

Back in high school there was this kid named Kevin Bopper. He was... strange, to say the least. He was that quiet kid with long, greasy, dandruff-ridden hair, a face full of acne, and wore a leather jacket- you know the type. The thing that made him stand out, however, was his weird fixation on traf...

Dickens " A tale of two cities " was originally published in two local newspapers.

It was the Bicester times, it was the Worcester times...

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The tale of the bear and the rabbit

A bear and a rabbit is sitting next to each other in the woods, taking a shit when the bear asks the rabbit. “Do you mind when you get shit stuck in your fur? “No.” says the rabbit. The bear then proceeds to wipe his ass with the rabbit.

A few weeks later, as both walk together they stumble ...

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The Tale of the Unlicensed Doctor

A man walks into a doctor's office one day with full garb on. Stethoscope, reflex hammer, the little ear light, the works, except none of it actually worked, seeing as they were just replicas for movies and such. He sees a lady sitting in the corner and offers to help her then and there. She says ye...

My son wrote a short fairy tale about a prince who became a princess

He named it Once Upon a Wiener

(True story)

A Tale Of Two Letters

Stalin, knowing that his time was short and that Khrushchev would be his eventual successor, summoned Nikita to a very private meeting. After telling Khrushchev how lonely it could get at the top, Stalin said: "I've left for you two letters containing my wisest counsel in the bottom drawer of the...

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl
said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting
and skied a lot and drank beer and left the toilet seat up and farted
whenever he wanted.

THE END

What's the difference between US and USSR fairy tales?

US fairy tales start with "Once upon a time there was"

USSR fairy tales start with "Really soon there will be"

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The tale of the little red man.

One upon a time there was a little red man who lived in a little red house , on a little red street , in a little red city.

One little red morning the little red man awoke from his little red slumber , left his little red bed and went to take a little red shower - meanwhile outside the little...

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The tale of timmy.

When little Timmy went to school,
and Mastered one to nine,
He thought the other kids were cool,
and every class divine.
He painted shapes in red and blue,
and drew in curves and bends,
and by the time the day was through,
he'd made a hundred friends!
I'm pals...

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The Tale of the Animal Band

So there was this horse, and recently he had gone through some tough times. His wife left him, he lost his job, and rent day was coming ever closer. This is when he had a brainwave: He was going to get his childhood band back together. So the first member to convince was the cow. Now the cow was pre...

The tale of the blond horse back rider.

A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action.

As it gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror,...

What’s the difference between a capitialist fairy tale and a Marxist fairy tale?

A capitalist fairy tale begins with, ”Once upon a time, there was...”. A Marxist fairy tale begins with, ”Someday, there will be...”.

Eskimo Reading Fairy Tales to her son in an Igloo

Mother: "Little Jack Horner, sat in a corner -- "

Son: " -- Mom, what's a corner?"

A disabled bald eagle gets canceled

I recently signed a publishing deal on my inspirational children’s book about Ebert the one winging eagle who overcomes his disability and learns to fly. It is quite the heartwarming tale but I had to call it off due to all the backlash. People were outraged that he was literally a right wing extrem...

The Sword in the Stone is a tale of legend. Only the true King could remove the sword. All that failed did so for one reason.

They did not have arthurization.

What do you call the coming of age tale for a Norse God?

A Thor-igin story.

Also what I think Taika would've named the first movie if he had done it.

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale.

Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.

Who writes the most frightening tales from the dark web?

... HTTP Lovecraft

A man crosses the border each morning on a donkey...

...and each day, his donkey is loaded with only bags of straw. When he reaches the bridge marking the border, the tax collectors search his bags to calculate what duty he must pay on his exports. Every day, they find nothing. And yet, in the evening, after their shift has finished and they are in th...

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Pissed Off

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink...

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The tale of how I was Knighted by the Queen

For as long as I can remember, I have had the ability to do these mind-blowing poses as I ejaculate. I became so famous for this ability, that I was asked to perform for the Queen. Needless to say, I was incredibly honoured and excited! And a bit nervous. So they flew me out to England and I was pra...

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A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

I heard that Fairy Tale merchandise is on sale!

Now, that's what I call fair retail!

Let me introduce the little known tale of Curtis Remond.

Curtis was born in the small town of New York, the only child of a rich and famous banking family. Curtis’ father was a banker. Curtis’ grandfather was a banker. The banking linage runs as far back in the family as time can remember, ever since Gerald Redmond had emigrated from Killarney back in the...

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A Holesome tale between 4 friends

4 men are playing golf together on a Sunday afternoon. One American, one French, one Spanish and one Japanese.

The French man goes first. He misses his first shot, but puts it in the second.

"Bon tir!" shouts the American.
"Merci!" comes the reply.

Next is the Spanish man. He...

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Why is a massage like a fairy tale?

They're both better with a happy ending.

Side note- female here, was having a non-sexual massage in a mall yesterday, from a little Asian lady who was probably in her late 50s. Somehow it was almost a happy ending, although unintentionally on both sides. As I was lying there wondering what t...

I know a tale about a priest and a child

It’s a very touching story

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

Guys don't turn on the news right now

There are spoilers for season 1, Handmaid's Tale

My teenage daughter can't decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer...

I guess she'll have to flip a coin....

Heads or Tales.

I heard a tale about the first barber...

He was a German man named, Herr Dreßer

"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "

"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"

A sanguine tale

Jake and Ruth were blood analysts in a hospital. Given the proximity of the hospital to the highway, really gruesome motor accidents were quite common. So the hospital decided to house a huge supply of blood for emergencies, and these two were employed full time to analyse blood which they got, and ...

A Tale from an Uber driver...

So I was driving uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed....

Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me. I caught it, handed it back ...

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A hunting tale

There’s a fly flying above a stream and there’s a fish watching the fly and it’s thinking “if that fly drops 6 inches I’m gonna have a great meal.” Meanwhile, there’s a bear on the bank watching the fish thinking, “if that fly drops 6 inches that fish is gonna get the fly and I’m gonna have a great ...

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The Tale Of The Two Ravens

Once upon a time there was a raven sitting on a nice, solid branch of a big oak, allowing the bird to have a great view over the fields beneath him. The raven didn't do much, he was simply sitting on his ass. After some time another raven spotted the solid branch and the first raven and decided to s...

An old tired dog

An old tired dog

An old tired-looking dog wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.

The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its...

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Tales of Italian Gentlemen.

A woman gets onto a bus and sits in front of a couple of Italian gentlemen. They talk very loudly but she ignores it. But a few minutes later she hears one of them say, "Emma comes first. Then I come. Then two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses come together again. I come again then ...

Three men are hired to work on a ranch.

The first of the three was the youngest. He was told when he is craving a woman to use the barrel behind the barn.
He takes advantage the very first night and describes it to the others in vivid detail. The oldest of the group sat quietly and drank his beer.
The second night he goes bac...

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The tale of my chinese friend and his struggles

Earlier this year, a chinese family moved into my small town. The family had two twins who were both seniors in my class, Ving and Ling. Ving and his sister Ling were quiet to start off with, but eventually I made good friends with Ving. After talking to him for a few weeks he revealed to me that he...

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The Lovely Tale of Opposite-Sex College Roommates

A guy and a girl are college roommates. No feelings at all. One day, the girl goes to a frat party and brings home the notoriously bi frat dude. She f*cks him, and then the next morning, tells him she has feelings for her roommate and so the two of them won't work out. The frat dude, just happy he g...

A tale of Middle Earth

In the land of Gondor there lived one of the most renowned gardeners in all of Middle Earth.


All the various people would come to Master Kizal for healing herbs that could be found nowhere except his gardens. The Elves would come to him for rare tree saplings and advice on how to care f...

Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.

*Baste on a True Story.*

Rapunzel is not a fairy tale

It's a hairy tale.

A man who has been brought up elsewhere, returns to his ancestral village.

He had heard tales that the average IQ of the people of his village was pretty low, and so he wanted to find out for himself.

Near the outskirts of the village, he saw a man atop a branch of a tree imitating a racecar.

"What are you doing?" He asked

"Don't disturb me, I'm in a ...

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The tale of the Frog and the Squirrel.

A guy walks into a bar, says to the bartender "if I show you something amazing will you buy me a drink?"

Bartender says "sure, but I've been bar tending a long time so it's gotta be good"

Guy reaches into his pocket pulls out a little piano and a frog, the frog starts playing the pia...

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Why was the prostitute drunk?

She had a lot of cock tales.

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Grandpa's tale

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My eight- 
year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.  As we bowed 
our heads he said,


   
"God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would 
thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. ...

Some consider Romeo and Juliet a tale of true romantic love...

But only if you consider 2 underage kids in a relationship that lasted 3 days causing 2 suicides and 3 murders romantic...

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Cats like to walk around with their tales up so you can tell what they are

An asshole

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I would tell you guys a long-winded tale involving the singers of "It Wasn't Me" and "Drop It Like It's Hot"...

...but I don't think you guys would have time to read yet another Shaggy/Dogg story.

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Hook and wood

As he's familiarizing himself with the crew, he notices an old man with a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. Intrigued by all of these injuries, he walks up to the man.

"It looks like you've seen quite a bit of action," he says to the old man, "I'd be interested to hear your story."
<...

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The tale of Paul and Old Joe

There once was a man named Paul who, after some trouble with the law, found himself homeless behind a fast food joint just outside of Wichita, Kansas. He stayed there for a few days, drinking from the bathroom sinks and eating scraps from the trash, when an old rancher named Joe found him and took p...

How can a table become a tale?

Only if one Believes

The tale of Drango Dune

A proddy young gunfighter swings off his horse and barges through the batwing doors into a saloon, where everyone falls silent, except for the piano player, who carries on playing with never a pause. "I'm looking for Drango Dune!" yells the young man, and everyone turns away except for one old-timer...

A tale of colonial Pennsylvania

When William Penn first started settling the area, he of course moved his extended family with him. Two of his aunts found great success in selling many different kinds of pies. And very quickly the sisters realized they could make a lot more money if the raised their prices. Well long story short, ...

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How do you know if you’re reading a black or a white Fairy Tale?

White: One upon a time...

Black: Y’all Motherfuckers ain’t gonna believe this...

Do you know the story behind Indians worshipping cows ?

Me neither but I've heard it's an udderly fantastic tale !

An Odd Tale

There was once a man named Odd. People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.

Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."

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A tale of two brothers

There were two dwarfs who decided to visit the city one night. They were twin brothers from a remote country town, and had decided to go out and celebrate their 21st birthday.

After some drinks and a nice dinner out, they were walking to the bus stop to go home, when they passed by a brothel....

A tale of two rednecks

Two rednecks live on either side of a river. One named Billy, the other named Clarence. Well, every day the both go to the bank on their side of the river and yell insults at each other. One day, a construction company moves in a builds a bridge accross the river. Billy wakes up one morning and sees...

A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one morning when his wife asked him,

"What have you got there?"
Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."

The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu

Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...

Did you ever hear the tale of the hero who saved the world using a cup of milk?

It was legendairy.

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TIL that the novel "A Tale of two cities " by Charles Dickens was first serialised in two black country papers....

The Bister Times and the Worcester Times

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The tale of Louise.

Once upon a time there was a 7-year-old girl named Louise. Now from a young age Louise had always had an interest in science. Someday she wanted to be an astronaut, to pilot a spaceship, and to explore alien worlds, but she didn't have time for any of those things. You see, Louise's family owned thi...

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The Tale of the Fisherman and the... Shark

A fisherman pulls up a shark. The shark start begging for his life:
"If you release me back to sea, I'll grant you a wish!".

The fisherman who has heard the "The Tale of the Fisherman and the Gold Fish" starts laughing: "You are not even a goldfish... why should I trust you?"

The s...

Why aren't there any "old husband tales"?

There are. They just get re-branded as "logic" and "the truth".

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Stanley: a tale of friendship.

There was nothing Stanley liked better than drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, and hunting. At least twice a week, Stanley went out in the woods with his hunting buddies Cletus and Jimmy. They never shot much, but they always had a few cases handy and always had a good time. They were practically in...

A philosopher asks a question to his student: "Who is smarter, the common cat or the loyal dog?"

The students looks confused and responds with another question: "Can you give me context, teacher?"
The wise philosopher nodded. "There once was an owner with a cat and a dog. He died. Because there was no more food given by the owner, the cat and the dog were left hungry and alone. The cat, havi...

Why people never believe giraffes?

Because they tell tall tales

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What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?

... A northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time ..." A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit ..."

Snail Tale

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

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The bear and the rabbit and their fairy tale

In the woods. There is a bear and a rabbit. The bear is an grumpy and always horny guy.
The rabbit has to suffer a lot from him. He gets humiliated all the time. When the bear goes to the toilet and there is no paper around, he takes the rabbit to wipe his butt.
When he gets horny... He also...

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The Tale of the Bacon Tree

Two guys are lost in the desert, wandering in the hot sun, starving and dying of thirst. They're about to lie down and give up when all of a sudden one of them says, "H..H...Hey...do you smell bacon?"

The other one says, "Yeah...I do smell bacon. What is that?"

So the two gather their ...

Did you hear the story about the rabbit's childhood?

It's a hare-raising tale!

Two doctors sitting on a bench at the park

They see an old man approaching with something obviously wrong on his way of walking. They take a professional interest on him:
- Look, a clear case of hip replacement gone wrong
- No, my dear colleague, that is classical sciatic neuralgia
- I have to disagree with you, that dragging of the...

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The Telling Tale of Oliver Tin

When he was young, Oliver Tin knew nothing about what he wanted to do, except that he wanted to do everything.

At the age of 5, he had already mastered reading, and had grown bored of all the literature he could find, fiction or not. Oliver Tin took this boredom as an obligation to produce wo...

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a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

The tale of the clever dog

Once upon a time, a plane crashed inside a tropical islands little jungle. A dog, being the last passenger alive, decides to abandon the plane in hopes of finding a way out of the jungle.

While walking in the jungle, the dog notices a tiger behind it. The riger not knowing that the dog is awa...

A Twisted Tale

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his beautiful young wife pregnant.
So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.
The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.
The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was e...

The tale of the Golden Urinal

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golde...

Tale of the banana.

There once was a young man who was so enthralled with bananas that he decided to go down to the tropics and start up a plantation of his own. He saved up his money and within a few years, found himself in a jungle city making deals to purchase the land required to start a plantation. This however, w...

Is the tale of St Patrick driving the snakes out of Ireland just mythology?

No, it's hiss-story.

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So there are three friars living atop a mountain

So there are three friars living atop a mountain, and they tend to the most beautiful garden in all the land.
One day, one of the friars decides he could make a flower one hundred times prettier than all the other flowers in the garden, if only he could cross-breed a few that he had already.<b...

What do u call a Mexican who survives a shootout and lives to tell the tale?

The Juan who lived.

Blonde walks into a bar

The blonde used to go to a bar every night and order three beers, one night she ordered only two beers. The bar tender out of curiosity asked her why. She told a sad tale about how she had two more friends that used to drink with her and now they do not meet up anymore. So she drinks 3 beers, one fo...

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The tale of the talented frog

A man sidles up to a woman in a bar and gets chatting to her. Once he’s piqued her interest he says, “Do you want to buy a frog? It’s just $1000.”

“Are you crazy?!” remarks the lady, “Why is it so expensive?”

“Well madam,” says the man, “this frog is specially trained in the art of cun...

A farmer's tale

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows,
the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to
impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above
where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show...

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3 Cowboys NSFW

Three cowboys sat around a campfire, all exchanging tall tales about how tough they all were.

The first cowboy says “I’m the toughest of the bunch. I was out in the tall grass, looking for a good spot to take a piss. All the sudden this snake appears. And you can see in its eyes, it’s out fo...

A Tale Of Two Skunks

Once upon a time there were two little skunks named "In" and "Out."

They lived in a hollow tree with their mother.

Sometimes In and Out played outside, but other times they played inside.

One day In was out and Out was in.

The mother skunk asked Out to go out and brin...

Why are anti-vaxxer's children good at keeping secrets?

Cause they don't live to tell the tale

The tale of twins

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wis...

Bikers tales

A gang og bikers road down a highway, they came to a bridge where a large commotion was forming. A girl stood on the ledge threatning to jump.

The leader of the bikers stood down, walked past everyone including the police...

He says to the girl “What are you doing?”

“ I’m jumpin...

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The Tale of Two Whales

A guy and girl whale are swimming along, when the guy whale spots a ship on the horizon. He says to the girl whale, "Hey, I dare you to swim over to that boat and use your blowhole to flip it over." The girl whale swims over to the vessel and capsizes it in one go. She says to the guy whale, "That w...

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One day St. Peter is getting bored.

He is tired of looking through people's pasts and seeing if they are fit to enter heaven, so he decides that he'll only let someone in if they can make him laugh by telling him how they died.

A man walks up to the gates of heaven, and St. Peter lays down the conditions.

The man says "...

A husband and wife were out in the forest mushroom picking

The husband thought he found a mushroom and picked it up. To his disappointment it was an ordinary rock. Enraged, he threw it. After he threw it, he heard something glass breaking.

The pair rushed over to see what it is, and found a shack in the forest. A man in very bright clothing came out....

A Crocodile Tale

During a company's annual family trip to a crocodile farm in Australia...the eccentric Boss dared any of his employees to jump into the crocodiles infested pond...and swim to the shore.

Anyone who survived the swim will be rewarded with A$3 million...but if killed by the crocs...A$1 million w...

The Tale of Two Cheerios

One day, a lone cheerio goes to a party and finds a pretty female cheerio. He says to her "Hey there, beautiful. Would you like to go out with me?" The female cheerio says "Sorry, but I only date frosted cheerios." The male cheerio then goes home and looks to see how much money he has to get himself...

A Fairy Tale

After his daughter is cursed by the dark fairy, Maleficent, King Stefan summons his royal carpenters and commands them to make the finest, most comfortable bed in all the land.

"It will be done, Your Majesty," replies the master builder. "Does His Majesty prefer a queen or a king?"

"A ...

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A male fairy tale...

A Male Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted babes and went rowing and watched rugby and went to naked bars a...

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Three kingdoms border a lake in the shape of an obtuse triangle

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this storytelling and legal battling came to no conclusion,...

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The tale of Jim and Bob

So Jim and Bob are two farmer's sons. They grew up together and became the best of friends.

Now one evening, Jim was working over at Bob's farm for the day when a terrible storm started up. After Jim and Bob ran to Bob's house to stay out of the rain. The storm grew worse and worse, to the po...

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The Tale of the Magic Dildo

A woman is married to a great man, and they are perfect for each other. They love each other dearly, have almost no marital issues, and their sex life is especially great. Well....when he's there. You see, this guy makes a lot of money, but has to travel a lot for work. So, naturally, they start to ...

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