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Gnome Jokes

A man is walking through the forest when he discovers a gnome

“If you step on a purple mushroom, you’ll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world,” warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods.
He didn’t step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: “We have to get married.”
“Why?” ask...

What does a pimp gnome use to make his money?

The garden hoes.

What do they call a Gnome who lives in a city?

A metronome.

She left the bar because after 45 minutes, the date finally arrived, and he was a gnome.

Too little, too late

NSFW What do you call a gnome with it's head up a woman's dress?

A Goblin

Why are city-dwelling gnomes very good at keeping time?

Because they are metrognomes.

Where does a Communist Garden Gnome work?

At the Russian Troll Farm.

What do you call a psychic gnome that just committed a hit and run?

A small medium at large.

Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?

Because the grass tickles their armpits.

A Gnome.

A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.

"What are you?" asks the cat.

"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy.

I just love mischief!

And what, may I ask, creatu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Green Gnome [NSFW]

A man goes to an adult super store in search of a new and exciting toy to please his wife. He asks the store owner if he has anything special. The store owner shows him what he refers to as The Magic Green Gnome, but it's very expensive. The man decides that there is no price too steep for his wife'...

What do you call Hispanic gnomes

Gnombres.

I'll go home now.

What kind of cancer do gnomes get?

Mela-gnome-a
Written by Ruby, age 7 (almost 8). Surprisingly dark.

If your garden gets nuked.

Does it become a Gnome man's land?

What does a redneck garden gnome hate more than anything?

Transplants

A gnome walks into a bar...

and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short...

Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?

It's a little gnome fact.

The United Kingdom is to provide special support to those self-identify as gnomes, fairies or pixies...

It'll be known as the National Elf Service.

The Italian mobster Johnny Bones killed a cow.

He killed the cow in a rice field with two porcelain garden gnomes.
Local news headline- "First Known Case of a Knick Knack Paddy Whack"

The little man in the hat. (OC)

There was the short man, about 2-3 ft tall, who had a tall pointy red hat and a big white beard. He would walk around subways and metros and find those people who sit on the ground play music for money.

This man would go up to them and start to stomp and clap a beat for them. Most of the tim...

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A tall man walks into a bar, with a tiny man standing on his shoulder.

... and orders a beer. As soon as he sits down at the counter the tiny man hops off his shoulder and starts walking around. It is just a bit taller than a pint of beer, and dressed in a sports jersey. It walks over to the guy right to him, chugs his beer in one go, bumps his fist into the guys shoul...

What mythical creature keeps time for trains at the station?

A metro-gnome

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher asks her class to name a word beginning with A

Little Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "I'm not asking Jonny, he will say something like asshole". She asks Suzanna who says "Apple". The She asks for a word beginning with B. Again Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "I'm not asking Jonny, he will say bastard", so she asks Ste...

So there’s this frog.

He just got married, and he and his wife are looking to buy a house. The only problem is, he doesn't have any money in the bank :(

He and his wife realize that their only choice is to try to apply for a pretty big loan. The frog heads to the local bank, and meets with the loan officer - a lov...

What do you get when you cross Gnomes and Worgen??

Micro-Worgenisms! (From my Bizzard support ticket response today.)

A humpback and a peg leg are having drinks in a bar.

When they are quite drunk and the bar closes, they go their ways home and the humpback decides to take the short route through the graveyard. Suddenly a little gnome jumps him, cackling “What is that on your back!?” The man replies “Oh, that’s my hump.”
“Give it to me!” the gnome snarls and he ma...

The anti-phonetic alphabet

I've been making a list for months of words that can be used to deliberately confuse people over the phone when phonetically reading out letters. Some letters like L are tough so I just added funny words to say.

A - aisle

B - bdellium

C - czar

D - Djibouti, Django, djemb...

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The Leprechaun Thief

I met a Leprechaun once, in a pub in Ireland. He was just minding his own business when I sat down on the stool next to him and ordered my drink.

"Your favourite Stout, please.", i said to the bartender. The Leprechaun turned his head and sized me up.

"You're a proper lad", he quipped....

The average height of a dwarf is about 3 feet tall

That's a little gnome fact

When is a Gnome not a Gnome?

When he's up a Fairys skirt, he's a Goblin.

Why do gnomes laugh when they go for a run?

Because the grass tickles their balls. Merry Christmas!

What do you call a little guy in a pointy hat on a train saying "tick tick tick"?

A metro-gnome

What do you call a very short, inner-city man who accurately keeps time?

a metro-gnome

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Warrior: I will get the bloody revenge for the death of my brother!

Warrior: I will get the bloody revenge for the death of my brother!

Elf: My bow will be with you!

Gnome: And my axe!

Necromancer: AND YOUR BROTHER!

Everybody: .........

Warrior: Fuck, didn't I ask you not to?.....

Where did Satan's little helpers go to high school?

They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.

A dyslexic witch cursed me!

Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome

After every flight the pilots of Qantas airways leave a note to the mechanics that has problems that need to be fixed.When the next flight is due the mechanics leave a report that describes what they've done to fix the problem.

Problem: The left tire almost needs to be replaced
Report: The left tire was almost replaced

Problem: Something is unhooked in the cabin

Report: We rehooked something in the cabin

Problem: The autopilot loses 200 km/h altitude when engaged

Report: We haven't been able ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The purple flower joke. (Very long)

Once there was a boy in 5th grade, and he really liked this girl (simp) and he knew that she liked the color purple.

So one day during recess he found these purple flowers and decided to make his move on the girl, so he walked up to her (with the flowers) and said "You are my purple flower" a...

A pianist performing in a subway terminal...

was playing beautifully. I was only offput by the weird looking kid with a dunce cap sitting atop the piano.

Suddenly, the weird looking kid with the dunce cap jumped up and scurried off. The piano player abruptly stopped playing.

I asked him, "why did you stop playing?"

To wh...

What kind of character does J-Roc wish was in Dragonball Z?

Gnome Saiyan

Guarding a block of ice

A guard was keeping tabs on a block of ice. Just when his shift was almost over a small man appeared out of nowhere. Startled, the guard raised a gun and shouted, "stay back! What do you want?"

The small man answered, "I am but a humble gnome seeking a small piece of ice."

"I h...

Three men walk into a party.

The first man beelines toward a table with a bowl of punch. The second man closely follows. A few people are ahead of them so while they wait the first man turns to the second man and asks:

"Have you ever heard the one about the garden gnome?"

The second man replies "No, not that I can...

I love cooking meat for tiny men...

...make gnome a steak.

What do you call a well dressed lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythm?

A metro-gnome

This one's for the D&D players. A human, an elf and a dragonborn walk into a bar.

The gnome and halfling walk underneath perfectly fine.

A pianist setup in a Subway terminal...

was playing beautiful music but suddenly stopped when this weird looking kid with a dunce cap leaves.

I didn't think much of it but the next day I was in the same area and the same thing happened: beautiful music until weird looking kid with dunce cap leaves.

I approached the accomplis...

What do you call a well dressed dwarf that keeps perfect time?

A Metro Gnome

I was cleaning one of my garden statues and accidentally cracked part of its face

I guess you could say I don't gnome eye own strength

Did you hear about the little guy compelled to clap in time whenever he was on the Paris underground?

He was a Métro gnome.

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