I went to a Bengals game last year when they were playing the Patriots. The stadium wasn’t completely empty, as a matter of fact I was sitting beside a man with a German Shepard.

This seemed odd, but the dog was intensely watching the game. In the fourth quarter the Bengals were surely losing, the dog started to tear up. Nearing the end of the game the dog was crying and whimpering. When the game was over (34-13 for the Pats) the dog started openly and inconsolably weepin...

Why do we eat jam (and all other spreads as a matter of fact) on bread?

Because we all know when it's inbread it's bad.

A man was driving in a deserted road at night, when suddenly his car starts to cough and splutter as the engine dies

He is forced to pull over to the side of the road in the complete darkness and silence of the night. He grabs his flashlight and pops the hood to see if there's anything he can do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he can't seem to figure out what's wrong with it and he starts to get anxious.
...

A well-known American actor is walking through the centre of Newcastle upon Tyne.

Suddenly, a member of the public stops him, and says, "I recognise you from somewhere, are you famous?"

The actor answered, "As a matter of fact, I am. I played Commodus in the movie 'Gladiator.'"

Astonished, the Geordie replied "Are you Joaquin?"

To which Joaquin said "Yes, but...

So I said, "As a matter of fact I do. Why does...

Donald Duck walk around all day with no pants on, but after he takes a shower he puts a towel around his waist?" And the waiter said, "No I meant do you have any questions about our menu."

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What is a penis?

There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?" The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mom calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and asks him, "What ...

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An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas.

Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week." The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't k...

Human Design

Three engineers went out for drinks after work. An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer. They rehashed their respective jobs, complained about the hours and all agreed about insane expectations and demands of clients. After a couple drinks they started loosening up, discus...

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What the tooth fairy looks like

This came from the book “chicken soup for the dental soul” my dentist had it in the waiting room.

I’m quoting from memory.

A 5 year old girl just lost a baby tooth and the dentist was explaining to her that if she put her tooth under the pillow at night that the tooth fairy would come ...

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A Nun, a Priest and a camel

So theres a nun and a priest walking through a vast desert with their camel. On the camel is their water and food plus all other belongings. They've been walking for a few days before suddenly the camel collapses. The priest checks its breathing and confirms it's dead. With too far to go and no way ...

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For those of you that never heard an ending to Bender's joke from the movie The Breakfast Club.

A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She sets the poodle down on the bar and the bartender says "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The blonde says "as a matter of fact, make it a double scotch on the rocks! I was just drying off af...

A guy goes to work and before he even gets a chance to sit his personal assistant starts reporting

\-"our profits have diminished by 5%, we lost the job in China meaning we look at another 10% losses by the end of the semester, Mr. Jones has given us his resignation, your wife called and said that she is leaving you and she is taking the children with her and the big boss wanted to see you asap a...

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Now we know where little Johnny got it from

When little Johnny was 8 years old, he asked his father if he could have a bb gun. His father looked him in the eyes, and asked him; "I don't know son, does your dick reach your asshole?"
Little Johnny ran to the bathroom to check, only to come back disappointed.

"No sir"

"Well, th...

A man is driving down a country road going 45mph, and all the sudden he notices a chicken running next to him.

He couldn't believe his eyes, how could a chicken run so fast?

So he speeds up to 60mph to outrun the chicken, and after a few seconds the chicken has caught up to him! He simply can't believe it, he shakes his head and looks back and suddenly the chicken is gone. But no! He looks ahead an...

So I held a race between my farmhands. They ran equally fast, and demanded I determine the winner.

However, they both threatened to leave the farm if I declared the other the winner. I felt unable to make a decision. As a matter of fact, my hands were tied.

~~it's dumb but at least it's original~~

Stalin loses his favorite pipe

Couple of days later, Beria calls Stalin.

"Have you found your pipe?" asks Beria.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I found it this morning under the sofa," says Stalin.

"This is impossible," says Beria, "three people have already confessed."

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One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

I met an old farmer who had a pig with a peg leg

I asked him, “Why do you have a pig with a peg leg?”

Looking very proud he responded, “Well, that’s an amazing pig. Never had such a great pig before.”

Not understanding, I asked, “Sure, but why does he have a peg leg?”

Then the old farmer said, “Well, there was this one time t...

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Hitler hires a new cook

Before taking up the job he is told there are 2 main requirements - Making good healthy food for the dictator and never interfering in his policies.

On his first day he finds out about all of Hitler's preferences, likes and dislikes. With all of that in mind he makes everything as expected e...

Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"

Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"

Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"

Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"

Me: "49"

Interviewer: "that's not even close"

me: "yeah, but it was fast"

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop...

to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. H...

The wife comes home and has $5000 in cash.

When her husband asks, “Where did that come from?”

She replies, “I won it in a lottery!”

To which he replies, “That’s great! Let’s go celebrate.”

The next day she comes home with a full-length mink coat.

Again the husband asks, “Where did that come from?”

She says,...

Greatest Creation Ever

So Adam was in the Garden of Eden tending the plants and animals. God comes down and sees Adam. After awhile God says to Adam " Adam you've been such a good subject I think I will give you a reward. God says as a matter of fact it will be my Greatest Creation Ever. It will only cost you an arm and a...

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A guy, who is not very well endowed, unfortunately is getting married in a week and he’s freaking out...

He’s so embarrassed by the diminutive size of his member, he doesn’t know what he’s going to do.
The wedding night comes and out of desperation, he sneaks a large pickle into bed- and successfully gets through the night. As a matter of fact- that’s how he gets through the next several years unti...

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A guy finally gathers up his courage and asks his crush out.

She says yes, and he invites her to an amusement park. They ride the carousel, the roller coaster and the ferris wheel. Then he asks her "What do you wanna do next?" She tells him "I wanna be weighed!"

As a matter of fact, there's a weight guesser present at the park,and they go to his stand....

Santa goes to the dentist...

... complaining about his dentures wearing out.


"It seems like they're corroding, doc! What am I doing wrong?"


The dentist looked concerned. "Have there been any changes to your diet?"


"As a matter of fact," said Santa, "Mrs Claus has started making a wonderful holla...

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A woman arrived at a party.

While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."

"That’s a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the ...

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A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara [NSFW]

A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara on a camel. On the third day, the camel dies with little warning. As they dust themselves off, the nun and priest appraise their situation. After a long silence, the priest states:
'Well, sister, this looks to be pretty serious.'
'I know, father. As a...

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Cocktail

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "bartender, got any specials today?" Bartender answers, "yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka." The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?" T...

A couple go to a bar during karaoke night...

and they hear a man sing to most beautiful cover of Stairway to Heaven they had ever heard. Since they were planning their wedding at this time, they approach the man after his performance.

"Wow, that was an amazing cover! Would you like to come perform at the reception of our wedding?" they...

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A little boy sees his grandpa smoking weed.

He says, "Gramps, can I have a puff?" Grandpa replies, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

"No..."

"Well, you can't have any."

Later, the little boy sees his Grandpa drinking beer and asks, "Can I have a swig?" Grandpa replies again, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

...

A blind blond guy walks into a bar and yells out, "Hey! Do you all want to hear a dumb blonde joke?"

One of the patrons takes the guy aside and says, "Look, buddy. The bartender is blond. The 400-pound wrestler sitting near the window is blond. The armed police officer sitting at the bar is blond. The lawyer sitting at the back of the bar close to the washrooms is blond. The martial arts guy sittin...

An explorer was hacking his way through dense jungle...

... When he came across a large clearing. In the middle of the clearing was a dead elephant, and on top of the elephant sat a pygmy, whittling a stick and whistling a cheerful tune. The explorer approached carefully, and called out:

"I say! You there!"

The pygmy looked down. "What?"...

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A woman went to get a physical for her 40th birthday...

When she got home, she was telling her turd of a husband how it went. “The doctor said I was in great shape. As a matter of fact, he said I have the breasts of a 20 year old. “
“Oh yeah?” Said her grumpy husband-“what he say about your 40 year old ass?”
“Your name never came up,” she replied.

A widow sees a man sunbathing at the poolside of her country club

She approaches him: "Excuse me. I don't think I've seen you here before. Are you new?"

"As a matter of fact, I am." he says. "I was in prison for 30 years."

"For what?" she asks

"I murdered my wife." he responds.

"Oh!" She exclaims. "So you're single!"

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It's a well-known fact that Hitler...

It's a well-known fact that Hitler often consulted astrologists and people involved in the occult to get direction while Germany fought in World War II.

One day he decided to thank his chief astrologer and called him into his office to say, "we've done really well in the war and I'm grateful...

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NSFW (language) A blonde woman walks into an elevator...

There is a man already inside so she tries to start a convo with him.

She says to him “TGIF” .

And he responds nonchalantly “SHIT”.

The woman is confused by this and decides to try again by stating “TGIF”.

But the mans response is the same: “SHIT”.

Now she’s getti...

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A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc my pecker has turned orange".

The doctor takes a look and says, "I've never seen anything like this before. We'll have to run some tests to see if you have been poisoned or something. Where do you work, a chemical plant?"

The guy answers, "No. As a matter of fact I've been out of work for a couple of months now, and I've ...

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Three couples died and arrived at the pearly gates.

As the first couple stepped forward St. Peter held up his hand and said, “I’m sorry but you may not enter.”
The befuddled husband asks, “why not?” Peter answers, “Because, sir, throughout your life you loved money more than you loved God. In fact, you cherished money so dearly you married this wo...

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A boy and his grandpa

One day a boy’s grandpa was watching TV and drinking a beer.

He sat down and asked if he could have some of the beer.

“Is your wiener long enough to touch your butthole?”
“Nope.”

“Then you’re too young to share my beer,” his grandpa chuckled

A couple of weeks later...

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One morning two brothers, 4 and 6, decide they are old enough to start cursing...

The younger asks his brother, "What should we say?"

"You say ass, and I'll say hell," replies the elder of the two.

Walking down stairs their mother asks them what they would like for breakfast.

"Oh hell," replies the elder, "I'll have some Cheerios."

Their mother loses ...

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Legendary Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray gets pulled over for going about 90 on the way to the ballpark ... (long)

He thinks his reputation will spare him from a ticket, but it's clear the cop is serious when he asks for Caray's license and registration. Harry, probably already three sheets to the wind, replies, "You know officer, I would give you that, but this is a stolen car." The cop is a bit taken aback and...

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Three lads die on Christmas Eve...

Three lads die on Christmas Eve. They approach the pearly gates and St. Peter says that in the Spirit of Christmas, that if they can produce an item representing the Christmas season, they will gain admission. 

David the Englishman pulls out his lighter, flashes it and states, "'Tis a candle ...

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A police officer is riding a horse

He comes upon a little girl riding her bike.

He stops her and asks, "Hey little girl, did Santa bring you that bike for Christmas?"

The little girl responds, "Well, as a matter of fact, he did."

The officer responds while handing the little girl a $5 ticket, "Next year, maybe y...

A frog goes Into a bank

A frog walks into a bank, and approaches the teller. He sees the tellers name tag read Patricia Black and says

"I'd like to take out a loan, Mrs. Black"

"Certainly," says the teller, "how much would that be for?"

"One million dollars." replies the frog. "Don't worry, it's ok, I...

A man goes to church for the first time...

When the service was over, the preacher greeted him at the back doors.

“Preacher, that was a damn fine sermon” the man said.

“Oh my”, said the preacher “we don’t use that kind of language in church”.

“I’m sorry” said the man-“I’m new to church and I’m not really sure what to d...

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A little boy and his papa were going on a boat ride

On the car ride to the lake the papa put in a dip. The little boy asked, "Papa, can I have a little dip too?" The papa asked the boy a question in return. "Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" The boy responded no and the papa replied back, "Well then you're not old enough, and besides,...

Red Car Day

Red car day - in Honor of my Dad

My dad died 7 years ago. He was a worker in a factory in NYC during the by-gone, post-war era when times were good and jobs were plenty. The guys he worked with were all good friends over the years and enjoyed harmless pranks against one another to pass the ti...

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A woman sits in her seat on a plane.

As she gets her pillow and mask out preparing for the long flight ahead, she hears the man sitting beside her sneeze. She looks over to say "bless you", but before she can get the words out she is startled to see the man unzipping his trousers. He pulls out his penis, wipes it off, tucks it back in,...

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A guy walks into a bar with a dog...

... The bartender looks up and says, "You can't come in here with that mutt!"

The guy says, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! This ain't no ordinary dog. As a matter of fact, you should be paying for my drinks, because this dog is going to draw a crowd. It's a talking dog."

The bartender scoffs, but ...

[blonde] Two girls were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."

"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"

The blonde turned around again. "Yes... no... yes... no...yes..."

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Joe was heading towards the end of a round of golf...

...when hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She yelled, “I...

At the movie theater, a girl returning to her seat taps the shoulder of the man in the last seat in the row.

“Excuse me,” she says, “but did I step on your toe on the way to the bathroom?”



“As a matter of fact, you did,” says the man, expecting an apology.



“Oh good,” says the girl, “then this is my row.”

The two best racehorses in the country.

There were these two racehorses, Galem and Gollum. They were raised together and had been racing side by side their entire lives. Everyone loved to watch them. They were always faster than the other horses; as a matter of fact, they were the best racehorses in the country.



As good as ...

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An old man checks out the local Nudist Colony to see if he wants to join

The clerk invites him to take a nude, self tour. He agrees and proceeds to go for his tour, completely naked, sporting only his cigar... not five minutes into his stroll he sees a beautifully shaped young lady in the buff which aroused him quickly... the young lady, noticing his erection decides to...

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Government Job

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

Interviewer: “Do you have any allergies?”

Applicant: “Yes, I’m allergic to caffeine so I don’t drink coffee.”

Interviewer: “Ok. Are you a veteran?”

Applicant: “Yes, I was in Iraq for 3 years.”

Interviewer: “Ok,...

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A buddy of mine called last night to shoot the shit and he asked me, "So man how are things goin? You been gettin laid?"

Me: "Yeah man! Matter of fact I've been fuckin twins!"

Friend: "No shit?? Twins? Well how do you tell them apart?"

Me: "It's easy, Kim has red hair and Bob has a dick."

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A man and his son were at the grocery store today...

They were using a cart that had a child-size car attached to the front with the kid inside. While I was shopping, I noticed the dad started hitting the cart into the wall, it was a pretty bizarre sight to see. Before I could intervene, the kid yells,



Kid: DAAAAAD, stop!!! What are you...

A brunette goes to the doctor

A brunette goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere I touch it hurts."
He asks "What do you mean?"
So she showed him what she meant. She touched her knee and said "Ouch!" Then she touched her chest and said, "Ouch!" Then her shoulder, "Ouch!"
The doctor looks at her and asks, "You're rea...

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A young boy is out fishing with his Grandpa (NSFW)

As they are sitting together, the Grandpa pulls out a cigar from his coat pocket. The boy, around 12 years old, looks over at his Grandpa with a curious gaze. The grandpa then takes out a lighter and ignites the cigar.

"Grandpa" he says, "Do you think you could let me try that?"

The Gr...

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Dating in 1962

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1962 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?...

A man worked at construction site...

...and is brought to emergency room with concussion and skull fracture.

His wife, furious, comes to hospital.

"What happened?!"

"Well, I yelled: "John, throw me the hammer!"..."

"And then what?! You didn't catch it?"

"In matter of fact *I did*. But then I remember...

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The Magic Fish

A man is fishing on a lake when he catches a fish.

The fish says to the fisherman, "I'm a magic fish! I since you caught me I have to grant a wish ...But only on one condition."

The fisherman asks what the condition is.

"In order to grant your wishes I need to swim up int...

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A boy and his grandfather go fishing...

after a while, the grandfather reaches into his cooler and pulls out a beer. "What's that?" says the boy. "It's a beer, don't worry about it." Replies the grandfather, taking a sip and looking across the water. Curious, the boy asks, "Can I have one?" The grandfather thinks for a moment and says wit...

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A man goes to the psychiatrist and tells him that every day he passes a delicatessen.

In the window of the deli is a pickle slicer, slicing pickles. He tells the doctor that he has this urge, every time he passes, to put his
penis in the pickle slicer.

The shrink calms him down and asks him a little more about himself, trying to talk him out of it. He suggests he take a ...

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Mrs Omalley needs vegetables

Mrs. O'Malley woke up on a fine Monday and decided to make a delicious stew for her dear husband of 50 years.

She grabbed carrots, potatoes, celery, radishes and a out to the barn for a rabbit. She gathered all the ingredients and was getting ready to start putting them into the pot when she ...

I take the bus to school

So every morning I take the bus to campus. On the way, it stops by the local prison.

This morning, while we were stopped by the prison, I heard a loud crash. I look to my right and I see what used to be a window, now shattered.

I'm looking at the window, and I see some rope fly out. F...

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A kid and his grandfather are sitting in the living room together

Grandma leaves to go to the grocery store "You boys behave.", she says.

Grandpa stands up once she leaves and says "Well I'm gonna grab a beer and enjoy myself now."

The grandson looks at him and asks "Hey Grandpa, can I maybe have a beer?"

Grandpa says "Well, does your dick tou...

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First Night Out

A guy worked for 30 years at the same factory. He got off work at 3:30, and was home by 3:45 every day of his life. On Fridays, he came home and gave his wife his check.


One Friday he was walking towards his car, and one of his co-workers asked if he wanted to go out for a beer. He'd neve...

Fly Swatter

A woman arrives in the kitchen and sees her husband with a fly swatter and says "What are you doing?"

He replies: "I'm chasing the flies..."
She asks "Did you kill them?"

He says "As a matter of fact, yes, 3 males and 2 females

Intrigued, she asks him: "How do you make the ...

Gambler

A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says "Sir, are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says "Why yes, as a matter of fact I am."
"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."
The butcher thinks for a moment and says "I'm sorry, I won't tak...

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Break Time's Over

A man dies and goes to hell where he's greeted by Satan.

Oh no, says the man sobbing with his head in his hands.

Satan pats the man on the back and says don't worry, it won't be all bad. As a matter of fact, I'll give you three options to choose from for your eternal damnation. Satan ...

The CIA lost track of its operative in Ireland “Murphy. ”

The CIA boss says, “All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he’s somewhere in Ireland. If you think you’ve located him, tell him the code words, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. ” If it’s really him, he’ll answer, “Yes, and for mist at noon as well. ”

So the...

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3 recent college graduates are looking for a job.

They were in the receptionist's office waiting for their interviews. The first one gets called in.
HR manager: "We are a young growing company and we need people with good powers of observation. I want you to make an observation about anything you see in my office and you tell me all about it"...

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A father and his son go into a convenience store.

The father purchases a 6 pack of beer and and pack of cigarettes. The son begs his father to buy him a scratch off lottery ticket, and after some incessant pleading the father agrees.

They return to their car and the father lights up a cigarette. The son asks can I have one of those? The fat...

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Melania is talking to Janet Yellen at a party...

They talk about the the improving economy, the Fed, whether quantitative easing really was a good idea, about how Janet will be retiring soon. They have a few drinks and Melania becomes less guarded. Janet asks Melania about the hand slap incident on the tarmac.

Melania: Donald can be such a ...

Toothprick

A man goes to a nice bar to have a few drinks to himself and enjoy his Friday evening. At the bar, he meets a gorgeous woman, and they hit it off talking. One thing leads to another, and they find themselves in a nice hotel room, making energetic love to each other.

Afterwards, in bed, the ma...

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The strange painting

John and Michelle are out on a date at an art gallery. They're walking around, looking at art, discussing the paintings, and generally having a good time. Eventually they come across a very strange painting that they can't seem to make heads or tails of. It's a large canvas called "Home for Lunch," ...

A man and woman are on a first date

The woman says, "Tell me about yourself. Do you have any pets?"

The man replies, "As a matter of fact, my pet mouse is having babies."

She replies, "Oh, how wonderful! That must have been nice to see!"

The man shifts a little in his seat and says, "I can't see it.

But it ...

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A man sails to visit a remote part on the coast of Ireland.

As he comes close to the harbor, he sees an enormous, absolutely gorgeous Barque, docked in its own reserved spot. He ogles it for a minute, before docking himself and running through his checklist of things to finish before he can leave his vessel.

He finishes, gets all his things, and goes...

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A plane crashes into the Pacific: the captain, a steward and a stewardess are the only survivors

*I tried to translate this one from French as good as I could, so please forgive me if some things sounds weird*



They drift on the ocean for a few days before washing up on a desert island. Slowly, they started building a new life on the island: they build a shelter, they find a sou...

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A forbidden love

"I'm in love with one of my sheep," the nervous young man told his psychiatrist.

"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog we are very attached to."

"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient,...

George Bush swears he sees Moses in the crowd at a rally....

.....and he doesn't want to miss the opportunity to meet such a well-known biblical celebrity.

He yells at him, "Sir, you look a lot like a man from the old testament. Are you Moses?" Looking around, the man slowly shakes his head side to side denying the gesture. Bush is not convinced.. one...

An older lady visits a doctor to seek help with her frequent gas issues.

**Lady:** Doctor, you've got to help me. Lately I've had uncontrollable gas. Fortunately all my toots are silent and emit no odor. As a matter of fact, in the few minutes you've been in here I've probably tooted 10 times and you can't even tell.

**Doctor:** I see. I have a couple of ideas. Le...

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