Engaged Jokes - 64 Hilarious Engaged Jokes

A high-society debutant is engaged to a low-born Greek guy...

Before the wedding, her mother takes her aside and says, "I've tried to talk you out of marrying this man, but you seem determined to go through with it, so just promise me one thing"

"Greeks have unnatural desires in the bedroom that are perverse, nasty, and disgusting. Just promise me now, ...

I was engaged to be married 5 times, but never made it to the altar..

That's a lot of near Mrs

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A couple from Alabama got engaged

The wife was still friends with a lot of her exes, but her fiancé didn’t mind. He just didn’t want them at the wedding.

The wife agreed it would be awkward, saying that it would be weird if she invited someone she’s slept with. Her exes were a little upset about not being able to go to her w...

My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged

She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"

I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet

A man and a blonde woman get engaged

A man and a blonde woman get engaged. The man presents her with a big, beautiful, expensive diamond ring. After a few months, the man notices that the ring is in rough shape - scuff marks, dents, and scratches. He asks her to take it to the jeweler.

So, the blonde woman brings the ring to th...

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This white dude gets engaged, and decides to take a solo vacation to Jamaica.

Before he leaves, he gets his fiancé’s name, Wendy, tattooed on his prick. He has the tattoo artist make it so, that when he’s flaccid, his tattoo would spell WNY. When he was erect, it would spell out her full name. He arrives in Jamaica, and is having the time of his life. While at one of the nude...

A catholic woman gets engaged

I heard this joke from a father(catholic priest) today.

A catholic woman gets engaged and finds out that her fiance doesn't believe in hell.

She goes to her father and says : "Father, my fiance doesn't believe in hell. Maybe I should rethink about marrying him".

Her father says...

Boy gets engaged down south

Down South, a young man falls in love, and he rushes home to tell his Pappy about his new sweetheart.

Pappy sadly shakes his head back and forth and says, "Son, I hate to tell ya, but in mah youth, I sowed mah wild oats, and that girl is yer half-sister."

Brokenhearted, the young man c...

A man was engaged to be married

but his fiancee's beautiful younger sister kept flirting with him. One day he dropped by his fiancee's house to find no one was home except the sister, wearing only a slinky bathrobe. The sister said "I know you are engaged to my sister, but if you come upstairs with me, I'll give you one last fling...

An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage...

Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?

"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "

Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But...

Have you ever been to Engaged, Ohio?

It’s somewhere between Dayton and Marion.

Two philosophers are engaged in a rousing debate.

The first says "All my studies, discussions and experiences lead me to firm belief that humans have agency. What has led you to your belief in determinism?"
The second responds:
"The big bang."

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An engaged couple tragically die in a car crash and go to heaven.

At the pearly gates they ask St. Peter if they can get married in heaven. St. Peter looks at the couple thoughtfully and replies,

“Yes, but it might take some time”

Three months later St. Peter comes back to the couple with a priest who soon marries them. A few thousand years pass and...

2 people I went to high school with recently got engaged...

...so statistically speaking one of those is gonna end in divorce

I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.

But I broke it off

A young engaged couple were very much lookimg forward to their marriage.

One Sunday afternoon they went out for a drive in the country, and had a terrible head-on collision with a heavy truck.

Suddenly they found themselves unexpectedly at heaven’s gates, to the surprise of St Peter also. “How come you two are here?” he asked, “You weren’t due here for another fif...

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A back woods West Virgina man gets engaged.

He rushes home to tell his dad.

"Pa! I met me a woman and we's gonna marry!" His dad replies, "Well, tell me 'bout her!" The son says, "She's beautiful, nice, an a virgin!" At the news the father is visibly upset, "No you ain't gon marry you no virgin! If she ain't good nuff fer her family, s...

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I got engaged to a prostitute from India

She was always thanking me and telling me to come again.

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An Army officer was arrested completely nude, chasing a woman through a hotel lobby.

His lawyer was shrewd and got him freed on a technicality. Army regulations specifically state an officer need not be in uniform, provided he is properly attired for the activity in which he is engaged.

I was engaged before

It didn't work out so now i just refer to her as a near miss

How did Putin get engaged to Trump?

He went to Jared.

My weird friend is now engaged to a spirit.

I’m happy for him as he has found his boo.

I've always found lobotomists to be some of the most curious, engaged conversationalists

They jump at any opportunity to pick your brain.

An engaged couple dies and goes to heaven.

They ask St. Peter, "Are there weddings in heaven?"
St. Peter tells them he'll get back to them.

Six months go by, then a year.

Finally after two years, they get a call from St. Peter asking if they still want to get married. They say yes, and get married. A marriage made in heaven...

I was engaged to a zombie

but it fell apart.

Being engaged

Daddy what does being engaged mean?
Son It's like getting a bike for Christmas but not being able to ride it til Easter.

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A billionaire hires a painter of murals to come to his mansion…

…when he gets there, he calls the painter in into a large room and shows him a plain white wall that’s 20 feet high and 50 feet across. He says to the guy, “I’ve always been fascinated by General Custer so on this wall I want you paint your interpretation of Custer’s last stand. I’m going out of tow...

My friends just got engaged, so I asked if they've picked a date for the wedding

They said, 'Yeah, we're taking each other.'

Did you hear about the long-engaged couple with Parkinson's?

They finally tied the knot!

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Three women died and found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter said to the first woman, "How many men did you sleep with in life?"

The first woman said, "I only slept with one man: my husband. And I didn't sleep with him until after we were married."

Saint Peter turned to the angel standing next to him and said, "Give her the key to th...

A research group was engaged in a study..

A research group was engaged in a study of longevity in mammals and had recently focused their attention on a particular species of porpoise, which they studied from their floating laboratory off the coast of Baja Mexico. They came to believe that, if fed just the right combination of nutrients, thi...

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So I recently got engaged, and used to visit my future in-laws' house quite frequently...

My fiance had a step sister, who used to tease me a lot. She used to stared at me across the dining table, used to bend down while wearing a skirt, etc.

A couple of days before the wedding, she called me at the house to help her make the invitation cards. When I arrived, there was no one at t...

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are engaged in a lightsaber duel, when Vader whispers....

"Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas"

Luke ignored him and continued to to fight.

But he whispers again "Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas"

Luke stops fighting and says "Ok, what are you going on about?"

"I have felt your presence"

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are engaged in a light saber battle...

...when suddenly Darth grabs Luke by the tunic and pulls him close. "Luke, I know what you are getting for Christmas", he says to the young Jedi.

"How? How could you possibly know what I am getting for Christmas?" Luke says skeptically.

Vader replies: "Because, I felt your presents."

The clairvoyant and her boyfriend got engaged after only two dates.

It was love at second sight, they said.

The Pope is engaged in an intellectual debate with an atheist. Fed up with the atheist's irreverence towards the leader of the Catholic world, the Pope finally snaps at him

"Arguing with you is impossible!" the pontiff proclaims. "You cannot speak of God in such a way. You look for the Lord like a blind man, in a dark room, looking for a black cat that isn't even there!"

The atheist is silent for a moment, but then says: "We are not so dissimilar. You are also a...

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Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church...

Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church on which a large poster addresses non-Catholics: "Come to us, accept Catholicism, and you instantly get $30,000 in cash!" While walking away, the two friends become engaged in a debate about whether the offer is meant seriously. A week later the two friends ...

A female friend got engaged to a successful stockbroker, but since then all he wants to do is smoke weed.

Welcome to the world of high fiance.

What do you call engaged melons on the TSA watchlist?

Cantaloupe

What do you call a bee that gets engaged?

A Beyoncé.

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There was an engaged couple...

talking to a priest about the possibility of getting married in his church.

"You two look like fine young lovers, and I would be happy to marry you, but first you must prove your loyalty to one another by abstaining from sex for a month."

The couple agreed and they all planned to meet ...

Before getting engaged to Serena, Alexis Ohanian actually dated a fencer

Until he got sick of the ripostes.

A man finally got engaged to his dream woman. Eager to show off his new fiance, he took her to his home town.

Upon arrival, he approached his mother and said, “I’m going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiance.”

Sure enough, twenty minutes later, the man walked in the door with three girls following behind him.

Without a moment’s hesitation the mother pointed t...

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Sex could be fatal...

An 85 year old man, who has been a single widower for 30 years, gets engaged to a 27 year old girl.

He goes to his doctor for a Viagra prescription in preparation for his wedding night.

The doctor tells him, " I need to warn you that given the length of time that you have been abstin...

It seems like anything goes these days. A friend of mine has just become engaged to a pencil!

Now he wants to introduce me to his bride, 2B.

A couple's young daughter went to college.

After 6 months she happily let them know she was engaged to a student who is studying to be a pastor, and is bringing him home for the holidays.

And after the introductions the father and the boy sat and the father asked: " How old are you?"

Fiance:"19"

Father: "And where are yo...

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Did you hear that the coprophiliac Scotsman is engaged to be married?

They're so cute together; apparently, it was love at first shite.

A young man becomes engaged to his girlfriend over dinner.

The next day he excitedly goes over to his mother's house, eager to tell her the news.

"Ma, I've fallen in love with a woman, and we became engaged last night. Just for fun, I've brought over her and two different women, and you can guess which one I'm going to marry."

His wife walks ...

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Women engaged to fighters should talk to my balls before getting married.

They could tell them you don't get support from boxers.

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So an engaged couple die in a car crash...

A very tragic occasion merely a week before their wedding, they were sorely missed by their family. Shortly after their deaths, they meed St. Peter, guarding the pearly entrance to heaven. They were both good people, led fulfilling lives, and so he has no problem letting them in to heaven, and even ...

My fried just got engaged to her boyfriend, Peter, and was gushing about how in love she is. Obviously the first thing out of my mouth was "oh, so you're a massive Peterphile!" Apparently that was "inappropriate" and now she's annoyed with me.

This is actually a true story, so hope it's okay that it's not in a standard joke format.

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The Black Bra

Three lady friends had their weekly lunch together. One is engaged, one is a mistress and the third has been married for 20+ years. They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes....

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.

Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.

A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has
another 22 children with her second husband.

After the last child is born her second husband also dies.

Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third t...

So I was driving uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms at a college. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed

Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me. I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say...

So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got...

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two guys go fishing every weekend. one weekend one of them doesn't show up.

The next weekend when he shows up they load up the boat go out in the middle of lake and start fishing. One fisherman turns the other one and says "hey buddy what happened to you last week?"

The fisherman shrugs and says "I got married and went on my honeymoon"

The first fisherman look...

It never rains but it pours

A reporter once visited a monastery to see how the monks lived. As he was escorted on his tour, he saw strapping young monks and strapping old monks, all engaged in field work of all sorts.

They next went to see the dorms, and in one of them they saw a young monk, thin, pale and shivering...

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Had an ingrown hair on the scrotum

When I popped it, I determined I was engaged in extratesticular activities.

One time I tried to marry my phone...

I wanted to make it my Wifi

And I felt a really strong connectio

I thought I saw all the right signals

Plus I really wanted to tap that

So I gave it a ring

Turns out it was already engaged

Besides, I wasn't its type

We would have been such a great we...

A calligrapher died peacefully in his sleep.

He soon woke up in a land of paradise. He spent the next few days exploring. Heaven was exactly as he imagined—pristine rolling hills, golden castles upon cloud tops, reunions with lost loved ones, and endless opportunities to explore one's hobbies. He had access to the finest selection of inks and ...

A Late-Night Surprise

Bubba is walking home from the bar late one night and sees the outline of a woman in the shadows. "Twenty dollars," she whispers.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before and decides, what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So, he goes into the bushes and joins her.

They...

An American and a Chinese man are talking in a cafe. They’re engaged in a debate over their two systems of government.

The American says, “Look, our system might not be perfect, but we have freedom!”

The Chinese man asks, “Freedom to do what?”

The American responds, “Well, for one, I can go down to Washington DC, walk up to the President’s desk, and say ‘Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re runni...

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One of the conjoined Hensel twins is engaged. Not the other. Men are asking all kinds of questions. How will that work kind of things. Women already know the answer. [OC]

It will be fine. They have practiced sharing one asshole their whole lives.

A boy wants to ask a girl to prom, and he really likes her so he goes all out...

He goes to the florist to buy some flowers, but the line is out the door. He thinks, "that's okay, she's worth it," and waits an hour in the flower line.

Next he goes to the candy store to get some really nice chocolates and again, the line is absurdly long. Again he thinks, "that's okay, I'...

A husband and wife were having dinner on their 20th anniversary

The husband set down his fork and said "I was just thinking about how we got engaged. You remember?"

His wife said "Of course! My daddy caught us in my room together when we were eighteen! He said you'd better marry me or he'd send you to jail for twenty years!"

And the husband sighed...

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