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Greed Jokes

The priest said that my father would not get into heaven because greed had consumed his life.

But it's okay, he told me that if I donated my entire inheritance that he could probably work something out.

What do you get when you combine corporate greed, sleazy politicians, and willful ignorance?

A climate crisis!

Long John Silver's is the perfect representation of corporate greed.

Nearly everything that company does is selfish.

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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work...

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, ...

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A man is walking along the street when he sees a ladder...

...stretching well up into the clouds. Being the adventurous type, Harry begins to climb.

After a short while he stops at a cloud and sees a large, ugly looking woman lying there.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she said.

He decided that he was definitely not drunk...

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

The Stanley Cup final will feature a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed, and deceit...

Against Las Vegas.

Why was the killer so expensive?

Assassin's Greed

Second chances.

A priest whos sin is lust, A thief whos sin is greed, and a fat kid whos sin is gluttony, are all standing at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells them that there has been a mix up in schedules and only 2 of them should have died. Because of their sins they are all bound for hell. but St peter offers ...

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Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip...

That night in the fish house they decide to confess their greatest sin to each other. The Catholic priest says, "my greatest sin is lust. I look at porn constantly online and when I can I have crazy sex with parishioners." The Rabbi says "my sin is greed. I never give to charities and sometimes...

There was once a starving homeless man near Pyongyang...

This joke has been removed.

Food and shelter are plentiful in North Korea.

To desire more is greed.

So the other day I went to a Pride Festival...

I asked where the Greed, Gluttony, Lust, Sloth, Envy, and Wrath Festivals were and they had no clue.

There was a jungle tribe of people who lived entirely off the land...

They hunted and foraged, and built structures with wildgrasses and leaves. Most of the tribe was kind and giving, except for the one greedy old coot. He did not live modestly: full feasts when others were hungry, 2-story hut when the rest were 1, and the rarest dyes on all of his clothes. This old c...

Did you know that the seven main characters on SpongeBob SquarePants represent the seven deadly sins?

SpongeBob:

Patrick:

Squidward:

Sandy:

Plankton:

Gary:

Mr. Krabs: Lust, sloth, wrath, pride, envy, gluttony, and greed

An old preacher was dying.

He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, s...

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The Preacher and the Donkey

A preacher wanted to raise money for the local church and, upon hearing that there was a fortune to be found in horse racing, he decided to purchase one and enter himself. Unfortunately, the going price for a horse at the local auction house was too high so he ended up getting a donkey instead. He d...

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3 guys stand in front of the heaven gateway waiting to enter

Archangel Gabriel greeds them but tell them that because of new rules only the ones with a worthy death story may enter.

First guy in line: "Well.. I came home early from work and found my wife naked and exhausted in bed. I realized her deed and in fury I started looking for her lover and soo...

The ladder to success

A man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right he sees an attractive woman, and to his left is a ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." The man, always eager to get ahead in life, choose...

A Priest, a thief, a Jewish schoolboy and Irishman die in a car crash...

They stand before Saint Peter at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter looks at them and appears confused.
"My children" he says "There has been a mistake, you were not supposed to die today. I will allow you one more chance at life as long as you promise to love out the rest of your existence free o...

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The seven shittiest Sins

Greed: I want shit
Envy: I want your shit
Wrath: I'm going to wreck your shit
Lust: I'm into some freaky shit
Gluttony: This is some tasty shit
Sloth: I don't feel like doing shit
Pride: I am the shit

P.s : Not mine. I saw it today on 9gag

I found this short, thin stick covered with flammable chemical at one end.

I rubbed it firmly against a rough surface. Suddenly I felt completeness and purpose in life. All the negative feelings such as bitterness and hate melted away. I started to see divine beauty around me and I was able to forgive everything. My mind was still. As I looked around me, I noticed there wa...

Once a woman was playing golf in a dark forest.

She hit the golf ball so hard that it got lost in the forest. She went in search of that ball.

She found the ball near a bush. As she kneeled to pick it up, She heard a voice

“I am stuck in the the bush. Help me and I will grant you three wishes.”

She saw that there was a frog i...

This was told to me by a 10 year girl while waiting in line to pay for gas.

A big shot rich guy died and went to the pearly gates, St Peter told him he was going to hell for greed.

The guy is like, " Evey one has it his price how much to get in?"

St Peter replied, "Sorry, Pre-Pray only"

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[Long] Johnny comes home from school early...

...and decides to play with his toys in his parents room, as he is never allowed.

However as he begins to play he hears the front door open, and footsteps come down the hallway towards the room. In fear of getting caught Johnny quickly hides in his parents closet.

Peeking through a cra...

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A Greek, a Jew, and an Irishman are accidentally killed by a bus.

An angel descends and tells them "Actually, there's been a mistake. It wasn't your time to die. We will let you come back to life, but you must promise to renounce your vices."

To the Irishman, the angel said, "Your vice is drinking too much. You can come back to life as long as you stop drin...

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Hitler, Pol pot and George W Bush were...

together in hell sitting around a campfire. They are telling each other stories from the time they were alive and having a great time laughing over the evil things they have done.

As the night goes on, they get into a discussion about who might be the vilest, most evil and most universally ...

Climb the ladder

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud.
...

Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...

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3 friends on a cruise

*I didn't come up with this joke, I just think it's funny*



John, George, and Jimmy are three old friends from college. They decide to enjoy a cruise because they haven't seen each other in a long time.

Each friend and their significant other board the cruise liner bound for th...

A man walks into a restaurant

and sits down at a table to order. To the surprise of the waiter, he orders hundreds of dollars in food. This catches the manager's attention so he strolls over and asks the man " Just how do you plan on paying for all of this?" The customer replies " If you have a piano I will happily show you." Th...

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A Peg-Legged, Hook-Handed, One-Eyed Pirate...

After thirteen months of sailing the seven seas, a battle-worn schooner filled to the brim with booty and booze makes port in the rag-tag pirate isle of Tortuga.

The captain - a buccaneer known the world over for his utter lack of mercy, his terrible greed, and his hearty girth - lumbers off ...

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