Me (to a sentient piece of human shit): "Hey, what were you before you were shit?" Shit: "Well, before I was consumed, masticated, and digested, I was a beautiful French baguette." "Does it disappoint you, that you were once so beautiful but are now a piece of shit?
"Are you kidding? I was bread for this."
I have a serious problem of chewing with my mouth open when I eat anything...
...my family is always horrified when I masticate in public.