Eaten Jokes - 87 Hilarious Eaten Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tourist is eaten by a python at the zoo.

Two tourists from the Czech republic are visiting New York. At the zoo, one leans forward, trying to get real close to the pythons. He falls down into the enclosure and is quickly swallowed whole.

Panicking, the other guy runs up to a caretaker and cries out for help. The caretaker asks h...

Have you ever eaten horseshoe crab?

I heard it was good, but idk if I’d ever trilobite.

I informed my Mexican friend that I had eaten their leftover cheese.

They replied, "K, so?"

What did the Roman say when his wife was eaten by a tiger?

Gladiator

Husband: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches

Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Husband: *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I'm as surprised as you are

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dog Minton has eaten all my shuttlecocks

Badminton

Have you ever eaten something even though you weren’t hungry?

On another note, I lost my job as a Gynecologist today…

What did the gnat say when it hadn’t eaten in a while?

“I’m so hungry I could eat a horsefly.”

What do you call a cheetah that's been eaten?

Fast food.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day in a busy restaurant, a man began to choke on something he had eaten.

Without hesitation, another man jumped up, ran over, pulled the choking man's pants down, and started eating his ass. The choking man was so shocked and disgusted that he started to gag, miraculously expelling the blockage. His life saved, he thanked the other man profusely and asked how he had know...

Two prawns….

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian. They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a ...

A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says "I haven't eaten in three days".

She replies "where do you get the self control?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

this morning, my wife saved me from choking to death on a custard cream biscuit.

The fat cunt had eaten them all.

Another Jewish mother...

A Jewish guy calls his mother in Florida.

"Hi, Mom. How have you been?"

"Not so good. I've been feeling weak."

"Weak? Why are you feeling weak?"

"I haven't eaten for 28 days!"

"Twenty-eight days?! Why? What's wrong?"

"I didn't want my mouth to be full of foo...

Three people became shipwrecked on an island inhabited by cannibals.

They were swiftly captured and told they would be killed, cooked, eaten, and their skin would be used to line the tribe’s canoes, but they would be able to choose how they died.

The first man, a British man, decided he wanted to die by the sword. In an instant, a tribesman cut his head off. ...

Did you hear about the computer nerd who was eaten alive by a giant snake?

Now he's programming in python.

Scientists say the world's largest organism is slowly being eaten

But I didn't see any bite marks on your mom

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were talking about how horrible their lives are...

The cucumber says, "my life sucks. I get left in the garden until I'm huge. Then cut into pieces and put in a salad." The pickle says, "That's nothing! I get to sit in a jar with vinegar till I get swollen. Then I get eaten." The penis laughs and says, " When I get huge, they throw a bag over my hea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his<...

I shouldn't have eaten all that alphabet soup.

Now I'm going to have a massive vowel movement.

A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks ...

I just found out a distant relative of mine has eaten three people.

It’s a lot to digest

Just eaten a Yorkie.

That's probably the last time I'll get invited to the dog show.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just got my ass eaten yesterday!

Yup just found the mosquito bite this morning

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

I shouldn't have eaten that missionary, the cannibal said with a frown.

It just goes to show, you can't keep a good man down.

Did you hear about the urologist that was eaten by a bear?

He was a meteorologist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the pirate say when they were getting their ass eaten too aggressively?

Yarrgh, slow down you're swallowing me hole!

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A. 499

Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door

Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open do...

What if there were a worldwide concert where the rich had to donate their billions or be eaten on stage?

I'd call it LiveAte.

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it’s been eaten.

It’s called a wedding cake!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a food that, if eaten by women, could lower their sex drive by up to 90%?

Wedding cake

A man was idling in the street, bored, when he saw a man selling apples close by

He approached the man, and asked, "How much do these apples cost?". The vendor replied, "An apple costs $1 and an apple seed costs $2.". Confused, the man asked, "Why are you selling the seeds? and why are they so expensive?". The vendor said, "Apple seeds are actually known to make you so much time...

I knew I shouldn't have eaten that seafood.

I feel kinda eel.

Little Johnny asks his mother, “Mom, can light be eaten?” His mother replied, “No, Johnny. Why?”

“Because I overheard dad telling Mrs. Smith next door to turn off the light and put it in her mouth.”

I must've eaten raw chicken when I named my kids

Because I ended up with Sam and Ella

Trump must have never eaten a thanksgiving poutine...

Anyone who has could tell you curds and turkey don’t get along.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What should you do if you've been eaten by an elephant?

Run around its belly until you're pooped.

What type of pasta is best eaten on its own?

Ravi-lonely.

What can be served but not eaten?

A tennis ball.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A successful businessman is driving home and sees another man on the sidewalk eating grass.

He stops and asks, "Hey! Why are you eating grass?"

The man replies, "I'm out of money, I lost my job and I haven't eaten in three days! Grass is my only option."

The businessman thinks for a few second and says, "You know what, why don't you come with me to my house."

The man, ...

My mum's starsign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died...

She was eaten by a massive crab

Two guys are walking through a game park and come across a lion that has not eaten for days.

The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns ...

I went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant last night and after we’d eaten she kept insisting on paying for the meal.

I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!!'

I feel like I've eaten three countries!

...namely Turkey, Chile and Greece.

When four of Santa's elves got sick...

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When went to harness the reindeer, he fou...

What do you call an animal that has eaten too much?

A stuffed animal

Q: Have You Ever Eaten Rabbit?

A: No, but I once found a hare in my soup.

Why didn't the Orange want to be eaten?

Because he wasn't feeling appealing.

Why was the piece of cake eaten?

He was cut out for it.

What do you call all the pasta that you haven’t eaten yet?

Futura

RIP to my good friend Brian...

...eaten by a pack of dyslexic zombies :(

Dave was a cannibal, and a conceited one at that.

So when he was in a bad car accident, the people of his town weren’t very sympathetic. But when they learned that he died, they softened up a bit. “I didn’t know that his injuries were life threatening,” one of his neighbors said. Another replied that they weren’t. “Well then how did he die?” th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've come up with a new capital punishment method: A meal that, once eaten, causes fatal diarrhea.

That way the offenders can eat, shit, and die.

What do you get when a hairstylist lies about what they've eaten?

Sham-poo.

Mrs Laura a kindergarten teacher asked her class "what things we can eat?" "Bread" "Yes" "Hamburger" "Ok"

A girl answered "Light",
"Omg" shouted the teacher, "how can light be eaten?"
"Last night I heared mom whispering to dad 'turn the light off and put it in my mouth'".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Vegan King is fed up of all the greens he has eaten so far

So he decrees that anyone who can introduce a new fruit or vegetable to him will be given 1,000 gold coins. However, if they bring up a fruit or vegetable that the king is familiar with, the same produce will be shoved up their butthole.

Excited for the prize, the common folk form a line outs...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Came home to find my dog, Minton, had gotten into the garage and eaten all my shuttlecocks

Bad Minton

I've haven't eaten gluten for a week...

and I, personally, already feel *so* annoying.

What do you call something that's just been eaten by a boring man?

In-dull-gent

I haven't eaten all day and now I can't hear anything...

I'm starving to deaf!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the pimp say to the dwarf prostitute upon discovering she had eaten a copious amount of edibles?

High ho, high ho, it's off to work we go

A man sits next to a young girl on an airplane. She’s reading her Bible…

Man: What are you reading about?

Girl: The story of Jonah getting eaten by a whale

Man: You can’t seriously believe he was actually eaten by a whale and lived…

Girl: I do.

Man: How can you know

Girl: I’ll know once I get to heaven and ask him

Man: What if h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't get what's so hard about No Nut November

It's the 3rd day and I haven't eaten any nuts yet. I just distract myself by constantly masturbating all day.

Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front...

At what time was Justin Trudeau eaten by a monster?

Ate P.M.

What do you get if you cross a river with tap shoes? Riverdance. What do you get if you cross a river with crocs?

Eaten.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American get captured by a tribe of cannibals

The leader of the cannibals arrives, and says "Greetings, travelers. I'm sorry to tell you this, but since we have captured you, you must die. Furthermore, we must eat you, and make canoes out of your skins, in accordance with our traditions. However, we will be as humane as we can. We will allow yo...

I have a spreadsheet wherein I track all the chocolate toffee bars I've eaten.

It's my Heath ledger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientist have discovered a way to make food that, after eaten, produces absolutely no solid waste.

They expect that within a few million years, humanity will physically evolve to accommodate our new digestive requirements. They also predict the world will become a utopia, because there will be no assholes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two missionaries are sitting in a cannibal's cooking pot...

One says to the other "I don't know why you're looking so pleased with yourself, we're about to be eaten!"

The other replies "I've just pissed in his soup.".

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man...

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man, is in town on business and towards the end of his trip he decides to take a walk on the docks and take in the ocean view.

As he's walking he comes up on a young boy, maybe 12 years old, crying on the edge of the dock.

Mr. Smith hesitates but decides to a...

What did the salad say before being eaten

Lettuce go.

What did one bush say to another when it got eaten by a rabbit?

Nice hare cut.

Why did no one finish the half eaten flan in the fridge? [OC]

Because it was a bit-off pudding

Have you ever eaten out a Chinese girl on her period?

I hear it's a delicacy in some cultures. They call it Egg Drop Soup.

An old Russian joke about recruitment

A wolf is going around in the forest talking to animals

“Bear, you are to come at 2pm to my lair to be eaten”
“Yes, wolf”

“Fox, you are to come at 2pm to my lair to be eaten”
“Yes, wolf”

“Hare, you are to come at 2pm to my lair to be eaten”
“I don’t want to”
“Very we...

What did Tony Abbott (Prime minister of Australia) do with the half-eaten banana?

He re-peeled it.

I started a new vegetarian diet last week

I hope I find another vegetarian soon.

I haven't eaten in 3 days

3 blondes are lost in the desert

They come across a river that they have to get over, but it's swarming with crocodiles.

Luckily, a genie just happened to pass by on his flying carpet. He said: "Ah, you are lucky! As I have found you here, I will grant each of you one wish."

The first blonde wished she was an excellen...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My aunts sign was cancer so her death was ironic....

Eaten alive by a giant ass crab

The doctor told me I have to change my eating habits...

But I haven't eaten nuns' headwear in a long time!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.

When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the ...

A leopard is walking through the jungle when he sees a lost dachshund in the distance...

He stealthily begins to stalk up on him, intent on making a meal of him. However, the dachshund catches a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye. Knowing that there's no way he can win a footrace against a leopard, he decides to employ other tactics; he sits down by a nearby pile of bones. Once...

A man was eaten when he attempted to tell a joke directly to a crocodile's mouth.

He didn't live to tell the tail.

Vegans proven wrong again

If animals really didn't want to be eaten then why would they be made out of food?

Check mate vegans

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.