While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" an...

I have a joke on early mornings...

You up for it?

An old man was fishing on a lake in the early morning, when a frog jumped into his boat.

The frog looked up at the old man and said, "if you kiss me, I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you've ever seen."

The old man kept fishing.

He caught a fish, tossed it in a bucket and cast out his line again. The frog looked up again at the old man and repeated himself a little ...

It was early morning at the military base...

... and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:


"Ames"


"Here!"


"Jenson"


"Here!"


"Jones"


"Here!"


"Magersky"


"Here!"


"Seeback"

No answer....

Why does the dictator like to go shopping in the early morning?

Because he loves to beat the crowds.

On vacation this summer my wife took an early morning walk on the beach while the kids and I ate breakfast.

When my wife got back she said there was a beached whale and we needed to see it. My son said "well it's not beached anymore, you're standing right there."

Worst son-burn ever.

Early morning revelations

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

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Marines' Early Morning Drill

A drill instructor had just been assigned a bunch of new recruits that he had to help train and introduce into the Marine Corps.

On the first morning after moving into the barracks, the DI woke everyone up at 0430, and ordered them to take a cold shower to break them in. Then, after 8 minutes...

A haiku about early morning starts...

No no no no no

No no no no no no no

No no no no no

A man was taking his dog for a walk one early morning

As he walked through a graveyard to get back home, he saw a man crouching by a grave.
"Morning!" says the man with the dog.
The second man replies "Nope, just having a poo."

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Native American boy asks his father, the cheif questions

One day a young Native American boy asks his father, "Father, why is my sister's name Flowers in the Wind?" His father The Chief replies, "Well my son, on the morning your sister was born I stepped outside and named her the first thing that I saw. And what I saw was the pedals from flowers running w...

Dawn craved repetition.

It explains why she relished relish, and was a fan of fans.

But nothing compared to the joy of the early morning.

Because that's when the dawn dawned on Dawn.

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A woman was in bed with her husband.

Every night, the husband farts in his sleep. His farts were so loud and disgusting that, most nights, she couldn't sleep at night.

One day, she tries to tell him "honey, please stop farting in bed. It's hard to sleep when just as I'm about to get some rest I hear this sudden *POOMPH* from yo...

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Three Old Guys

Three old guys were having their early morning coffee klatsch and the first one said “I feel like I have to pee all the time, but it’s just drips and drabs! It’s just awful!
The second guy complains about pooping: I huff and puff and all I get are a few rabbit turds, it’s awfull.
The third guy...

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Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering the night shift.

One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the
mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse,
he noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly,
well, hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork
back, an...

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Thanks Google Nest....

I get a notice on my phone saying a unknown person was seen walking in the house early morning...shows a picture of me.... well.. fuck you to you judgmental asshole lol

A man bought a bar

A couple years after running the place by himself, he noticed a stray puppy living in the alley behind it. He took the dog in and they became inseparable.

He named the dog Blackie and brought her to work with him every day. He taught her some bar tricks that the customers absolutely loved, e...

Three women had a very late night drinking Budweiser

Three women had a very late night drinking Budweiser. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight ho...

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Recently divorced young actress looking for new husband

A recent divorced pretty young actress posted on internet that she is looking for new husband that never hit, never run and good at sex. Next morning she heard someone banging on the door extremely loud. She opened the door and saw a man without arms or legs.

"Who the hell you think you are...

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One jew in a weekly meeting in synagogue came to Rabbi...

... and asked him: Rabbi, we are living in this russian village for a very long time, but i can't understand why russians don't like us?

Rabbi pondered and said that he doesn't know the answer and there is no answer on this question in every book he read, but we can't leave this question unan...

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A man walks into a bar

He looked very tired in the early morning. The bartender asks “what’s up man why you look so tired”. Eh, it’s a long story, replies the man. The bartender requests the man to tell the story.

Well then, I saw a girl yesterday. She was tied to a train track.

“TRAIN TRACK?” the barten...

Drunk driver

This isn't so much a joke as it is a true story that happened to me. My buddy always got a kick out of it and it makes me laugh. Delete if not allowed.


My friends wife left him and I went to his house to drink beer and play music. We had a great time and somewhere around 3am I st...

Women are just too clever

A man an his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him up at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, the man wrote on ...

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Weight loss challenge

At the bar there was a guy who was fat and kept getting rejected by all the girls there.
Seeing this one man approaches the other fat guy.
He challenges him that he can make him slim in 30 days and charge him $15000. If he fails to do so he will pay the fat guy the same.
The fat guy accepts...

Gianna, a beautiful woman, was in the midst of a love triangle with two best friends, Nathan and Joel

Obviously this caused tension between the besties, and as such also troubled Gianna - she liked each one equally.

So on the 11th of February, she spoke to the two lovestruck rivals and challenged them.

"On Valentine's Day, each of you will get me a card - no gift, only a card. The one ...

Check-Up!

An 80-year old Dublin man walks into the doctor’s office for his regular check-up.

The doctor says to him, “Ahh, Mick, how are you feeling?”

“Great,” says Mick. “I have an 18-year old wife, and she’s pregnant with my child.”

The doctor gives a concerned look and says to Mick, “M...

A truck driver is heading west across the Arizona desert. He has been driving all night, and as the sun starts to rise, he feels the need to stop and commune with nature.

He pulls to the side of the road, parks, and walks out into the sage brush.
As he is standing there, looking around at the beauty of the early morning, he notices a lever sticking out of the ground. After a few moments, he walks over, walks all the way around, and then reaches out to grasp the le...

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Marriage sex

When you first get married, you have everywhere sex. Kitchen counters, tables, couch, back yard. You're fucking everywhere.

After a few months you have bedroom sex, the often occurrence of the late night and early morning quickie.

After a few years you get into the hallway sex. When y...

The 3 Bears

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in hi...

Milking a cow

A city dweller recently got married to a beautiful farm girl. One day, the wife gets homesick and pleads with him to head down to the farm for the holidays.

The husband is not very receptive to this idea since he's clueless about farm work and his father-in-law often embarasses him in front o...

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a group of friends go on their annual hunting trip

Every year a group of friends get together for a few days during deer season. They take turns bringing their favorite chili and try to outdo each other with the hottest chili. They all arrive this year and start their annual beer/nasty chili celebration prior to going hunting early the next morning....

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A man is lost in China

Jimmy is lost in the woods in the middle of the night. After hours of wandering, he stumbles across a random House. He excitedly knocks on the door and an elderly Chinese man who appeared to be at least 110 years old answers.

"I'm sorry to bother you but I am lost!" Jimmy says, " can I stay h...

A bar owner and his dog

There was a bar owner that recently adopted a pet Labrador. The dog instantly became a good friend to the pub regulars and was not long officially made the pub mascot. The mutt became a part of the pub, and everyone who went there was greeted by the licks and unconditional love of the creature.
...

Any Irishman and a Scott have a duel at a bar...

The irishman exclaims, "You Scottish can't drink! We Irish are the best drinkers!"

Scott exclaims, "Ye don no wha ye takin boot! Any scott can drink any irishman under ye table!"

The two drink to the early morning. Who wins?


The bartender.

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The Boy from Toronto

A boy stopped by a deli one early morning in Brooklyn hoping to get a job.

* "How are you with people, kid?" The owner inquired.

* *"Great," said the boy. "My previous job at a grocery store had me working cash registers and facing clients all day."*

* "Perfect," replied the...

The chicken in the library

There is this librarian working his early morning shift one day. He's minding his own business at the front desk when suddenly a chicken walks through the front door

Puzzled the librarian waits and the chicken walks to the front desk

"Ba book" says the chicken.
"You want a book? Her...

Christmas Day accident

Grandpa woke up unusually early yesterday to celebrate Christmas with the family. He was half asleep still when went to the restroom to brush his teeth. In the early morning brain fog, he accidentally got his Polident mixed up with his Preparation H.

His gums aren't itching, but now, he can...

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A little duckling got lost...

...and is walking all alone across cold and misty farmland in the early morning.
A farmer -hard at work already- suddenly notices the little duckling and sympathizes with its plight.
He looks around and sees a fresh steaming cow pie. He doesn't hesitate a moment and picks up the little ducklin...

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