UPJOKE

Early Morning Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Xi Jinping was on his balcony during the early morning, admiring all that Bejing has become

He inhaled a sweet breath of fresh Bejing air and looked East to see the sun smiling down.

"Hello, Sun", said Xi Jinping.

The sun replied "Hello Glorious Leader, the architect of a grand Communist Utopia. Best wishes leading your already prosperous nation."

Xi Jinping, despite h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM : “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school.”

SON : “But why, Mama? I don’t want to go to school.”

MOM : “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go to school.”

SON : “One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me.”

MOM : “Oh! that’s not a reason. Come...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was early morning and whilst walking through the cemetery ….

I passed by an elderly gentleman crouched beside a grave. “Morning” I said, “No, just having a shit” he replied

(Sorry if this is a repost, the joke just popped into my head)

It was early morning at the military base...

... and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:


"Ames"


"Here!"


"Jenson"


"Here!"


"Jones"


"Here!"


"Magersky"


"Here!"


"Seeback"

No answer....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the early morning...

In the early morning, when spring had just started, the was a caterpillar. This caterpillar had to grow big to become a butterfly, so it was eating a large leaf, hanging on a tree near a lake. On a branch above the caterpillar was a magpie, observing the caterpillar. Everyone knows corvids are excep...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Marines' Early Morning Drill

A drill instructor had just been assigned a bunch of new recruits that he had to help train and introduce into the Marine Corps.

On the first morning after moving into the barracks, the DI woke everyone up at 0430, and ordered them to take a cold shower to break them in. Then, after 8 minutes...

I have a joke on early mornings...

You up for it?

Early morning revelations

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

Three men had a very late night drinking Guiness.

Three men had a very late night drinking Guinness.

They left in the early morning hours and each went to their home. The next day, they all met for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove ...

I got my brother really good earlier today.

We were packing up for an early morning fishing trip and I told him to turn the light on in the garage.

He looked at it and he said "It's already on."

I looked at him and said "It's not on enough."

He said "What? It's on!"

I said "More on".

He said, "It's an on/of...

Why does the dictator like to go shopping in the early morning?

Because he loves to beat the crowds.

An old man was fishing on a lake in the early morning, when a frog jumped into his boat.

The frog looked up at the old man and said, "if you kiss me, I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you've ever seen."

The old man kept fishing.

He caught a fish, tossed it in a bucket and cast out his line again. The frog looked up again at the old man and repeated himself a little ...

On vacation this summer my wife took an early morning walk on the beach while the kids and I ate breakfast.

When my wife got back she said there was a beached whale and we needed to see it. My son said "well it's not beached anymore, you're standing right there."

Worst son-burn ever.

A man was taking his dog for a walk one early morning

As he walked through a graveyard to get back home, he saw a man crouching by a grave.
"Morning!" says the man with the dog.
The second man replies "Nope, just having a poo."

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" an...

I used to be a forklift operator

…but there were way too many ups and downs for me.

So I got a job for a while resurfacing ice rinks, although I never really warmed to it.

I got some work fixing clocks that were running slowly, but I found the hours were just too long.

And when I tried my hand at being a baker...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man lived next door to three nuns...

He noticed that early every morning the nuns would go out into their back garden to pick mushrooms.

First the small nun would come out with her basket. "One little mushroom, tra la la! Two little mushroom, tra la la! Three little mushroom, tra la la!"

Then the middle size nun would c...

There was an old man who was diagnosed with hearing loss

Little by little, he couldn't hear certain words. Sooner or later he couldn't hear much at all. He explained to his wife the doctor told him the only phrase he'll still hear is "I love you". For the next 3 weeks, the only thing he could hear was "I love you". From early morning to late at night his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Native American boy asks his father, the cheif questions

One day a young Native American boy asks his father, "Father, why is my sister's name Flowers in the Wind?" His father The Chief replies, "Well my son, on the morning your sister was born I stepped outside and named her the first thing that I saw. And what I saw was the pedals from flowers running w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Old Guys

Three old guys were having their early morning coffee klatsch and the first one said “I feel like I have to pee all the time, but it’s just drips and drabs! It’s just awful!
The second guy complains about pooping: I huff and puff and all I get are a few rabbit turds, it’s awfull.
The third guy...

Dawn craved repetition.

It explains why she relished relish, and was a fan of fans.

But nothing compared to the joy of the early morning.

Because that's when the dawn dawned on Dawn.

Snails for Dinner

This guy and his wife lived somewhere where it was fairly common to go out and gather snails and cook them as a delicacy.

So they were having a dinner party, and the wife asks the husband to go get some snails to serve as appetizers. He takes a bucket and goes out and sets about his task. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thanks Google Nest....

I get a notice on my phone saying a unknown person was seen walking in the house early morning...shows a picture of me.... well.. fuck you to you judgmental asshole lol

Consulting the Shaman

A couple had been wanting to have a child for so long and was so desperate that they consulted a Shaman hoping that he could solve their problem.

The Shaman said that they would have their first child next year, with a condition that it is accompanied by a curse... that the very first name or...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a group of friends go on their annual hunting trip

Every year a group of friends get together for a few days during deer season. They take turns bringing their favorite chili and try to outdo each other with the hottest chili. They all arrive this year and start their annual beer/nasty chili celebration prior to going hunting early the next morning....

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.