The start of my opiate addiction...

...was surprisingly painless.

What do you call a drug addiction counselor addicted to prescription opiates?

An Oxymoron.

I just found out that the mascot for a famous brand of baked goods overdosed on opiates.

Pills bury doughboy.

Hey girl, are you hiding opiates in your bra?

Because I see a Perky-Set.

Apparently, Marx was right about religion being the opiate of the masses.

I just heard someone on the radio talking about mainlining Protestant churches.

Had to take a drug test at work today. They said they found Opiates. I told them it was probably the poppy seeds on my bagel.

But then they asked about the THC, meth amphetamines, cocaine, and hallucinogens. Told them it was an everything bagel.

What do you call a redneck on opiates?

A pill billie

Where did Oscar the Grouch get all of his opiates from?

Poppy street

Sir you tested positive for opiates

Me: I had a bagel for breakfast that morning
Doctor: You also tested positive for marijuana, alcohol, cocaine, methamphetamine and just about every other drug
Me:...It was an everything bagel

a kindly but unsophisticated trash friend of mine appreciated a midlife introduction to marx, commenting "religion the opiate of the masses?...

'pretty sure opioids are a solid lock on the opiate of them masses."

Doctor: “the test results came back...”

“...and you’ve tested positive for opiates...”

Patient: “I ate a bagel this morning.”

Doctor: “...and meth, cocaine, marijuana, oh and you’re pregnant.”

Patient: “it was an everything bagel.”

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