A man gets a call from his doctor after a drug test.
"You've tested positive for opiates." The doctor said.
The man quickly replied: "Oh I had a bagel with poppy seeds earlier."
"Yes well you also tested positive for cannabis, LSD, and cocaine."
"...It was an everything bagel."
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The start of my opiate addiction...
...was surprisingly painless.
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Hey girl, are you hiding opiates in your bra?
Because I see a Perky-Set.
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Apparently, Marx was right about religion being the opiate of the masses.
I just heard someone on the radio talking about mainlining Protestant churches.
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What do you call a redneck on opiates?
A pill billie
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They say religion is the opiate of the masses
Makes sense, because when I go to church I nod off...
(This is actually a joke I made up. Thought I'd share)
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Where did Oscar the Grouch get all of his opiates from?
Poppy street
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I just found out that the mascot for a famous brand of baked goods overdosed on opiates.
Pills bury doughboy.
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Had to take a drug test at work today. They said they found Opiates. I told them it was probably the poppy seeds on my bagel.
But then they asked about the THC, meth amphetamines, cocaine, and hallucinogens. Told them it was an everything bagel.
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a kindly but unsophisticated trash friend of mine appreciated a midlife introduction to marx, commenting "religion the opiate of the masses?...
'pretty sure opioids are a solid lock on the opiate of them masses."
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Doctor: “the test results came back...”
“...and you’ve tested positive for opiates...”
Patient: “I ate a bagel this morning.”
Doctor: “...and meth, cocaine, marijuana, oh and you’re pregnant.”
Patient: “it was an everything bagel.”
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...
He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.
"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.
"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.
"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...
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