UPJOKE
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Opiate Jokes

A man gets a call from his doctor after a drug test.

"You've tested positive for opiates." The doctor said.

The man quickly replied: "Oh I had a bagel with poppy seeds earlier."

"Yes well you also tested positive for cannabis, LSD, and cocaine."

"...It was an everything bagel."

The start of my opiate addiction...

...was surprisingly painless.

Hey girl, are you hiding opiates in your bra?

Because I see a Perky-Set.

Apparently, Marx was right about religion being the opiate of the masses.

I just heard someone on the radio talking about mainlining Protestant churches.

What do you call a redneck on opiates?

A pill billie

They say religion is the opiate of the masses

Makes sense, because when I go to church I nod off...

(This is actually a joke I made up. Thought I'd share)

Where did Oscar the Grouch get all of his opiates from?

Poppy street

I just found out that the mascot for a famous brand of baked goods overdosed on opiates.

Pills bury doughboy.

Had to take a drug test at work today. They said they found Opiates. I told them it was probably the poppy seeds on my bagel.

But then they asked about the THC, meth amphetamines, cocaine, and hallucinogens. Told them it was an everything bagel.

a kindly but unsophisticated trash friend of mine appreciated a midlife introduction to marx, commenting "religion the opiate of the masses?...

'pretty sure opioids are a solid lock on the opiate of them masses."

Doctor: “the test results came back...”

“...and you’ve tested positive for opiates...”

Patient: “I ate a bagel this morning.”

Doctor: “...and meth, cocaine, marijuana, oh and you’re pregnant.”

Patient: “it was an everything bagel.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

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