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Drug Test Jokes

Got called in for a drug test at work...

They said I tested positive for opioids.

I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning."

They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?"

"It was an everything bagel."

My drug test came back negative.

My drug dealer has some explaining to do.

Amazon doesn't actually drug test their workers.

They just want to make sure everyone can pee into a cup.

What kind of shoes commonly fail drug tests?

High heels

Not to brag, but I aced the drug test at work today.

Nobody got higher than me.

There was a random drug test at my workplace the other day.

Fortunately, mine came out clean.

But my dealer has some explaining to do.

Why did the beach fail a drug test?

Because of the seaweed

We had random drug testing at work today.

The pcp was my favourite.

Interviewed for a job and they forgot to drug test me

Guess you could say I slipped through the crack

I had to take a drug test to see if I was on hallucinogens

I passed with flying colors

medina spirit was disqualified for a second failed drug test

experts described the horse's urine sample as "funky, cold"

My boss told me we're starting drug testing next week..

I said no prob, but I ain't trying meth.

I passed my drug test today.

As a reward for my positive results, I get to go to a resort for a few months.

What's the difference between an owl and a rectal drug test?

With one, you can see their eye through their ear hole,

But with the other, you can see if they're high through their rear hole.

I had a drug test at work today. It came back negative

My dealer has some explaining to do

Failed a drug test last week

I don't understand how, I was on 5 different drugs and I still managed to pee in the cup.

I passed my drug test at work. I'm glad I get to keep my job.

My dealer has some serious explaining to do though.

Drug test

Employer- we need to take your drug test to see if there are any drugs in your urine

Employee- I'll pass, you won't check my nose right?

Why can't pessimists work in drug testing?

They can't see any positives.

Had to take a drug test today.

It took me over a month to study for.

What bank do drug testing companies prefer to use?

PNC

My employer drug tested me

Turns out his weed is better.

I took my first drug test today..

I only got 5 questions right.

I've got a drug test tomorrow at work

Good thing I know loads about drugs =)

So today is 4/20

4/20 is national weed day, 4/21 is national surprise drug test day and 4/22 is national unemployment day

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boss just walked in with some scientists and yelled "Random drug test!"

I think he's taking the piss

First day on the new job, Boss says "We're going to give a drug test"

and I said "Great, I know all about drugs."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hope I never apply for a job that drug tests.

Cuz I don't know shit about drugs.

I applied for a job at a marijuana dispensary, and was surprised to learn that I would have to take a drug test.

I hope it's multiple choice. I tested meth, crack, *and* weed.

Someone once told me to drink bleach to quickly clean me out for a drug test. What an idiot...

The emergency room nurse said I still had drugs in my system when I woke up...

A blonde is being interviewed for a job. The interviewer says "In our company, any employee may be selected at random for a drug test."

The blonde asks "Do you have to study a lot for them?"

When I heard my new job required passing a drug test.....

Boy was I excited. Finally a test in a subject I know about!

It was mandatory drug test day at my company, and we were standing in line awaiting our turn. Finally, the tester came by with his kit, took one look at me and said, "Sir, you even look stoned. Do you think you can pass this drug test"?

"Sure, man", I said. Then I promptly grabbed the kit and passed it to the guy next to me.

Needless to say, I passed!

I aced the interview for my dream job and now i just need to pass the drug test

I'm gonna nail this too I do so many drugs

Do you know what today is?

I told my boss with a giant smile.
He rolled his eyes and said "It's 4/20."
"4/20! Hell yeah!" I yelled.
As I started to walk away, he said "Wait, don't you know what tomorrow is though?"
Puzzled I said "No?"
"Random drug test day." He said back.

I got a job offer at Pepsi today!

I just hope they don’t drug test me and find Coke in my system.

Yo momma is so stupid

She studied for a drug test

Boss talking to his colleague.

Boss: We're doing random drug testing today.


Colleague: Ok boss but I won't try crack cocaine.

Highly quaified

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How's the new job going?" the bartender asks. "Great! Although, I've heard we're going to have a drug test next week," the guy replies. "Good thing I know a lot about drugs."

I never realized what a positive person I was...

Before I took a drug test.

Need something witty to say after i pee in a cup...

Tomorrow is drug test day... Not sure this is actually the right sub for this but watevs.

I dropped out of pharmacology School

I kept failing drug tests

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