UPJOKE
donationgiverpresenterhelperbenefactordonatecontributemedicinecharityprovideorgan donormarrowcharitiestransplantgrantee

Donor Jokes

A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Ceasar walk into a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...

I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.

I wanted to become a professional sperm donor

I already had my slogan ready: "Wait till you get a load of this guy!"

What does the receptionist at the sperm bank says when donors are leaving?

Thank you for coming!

My friend is trying to get pregnant by way of a sperm donor.

She's not having much luck, but I'm pulling for her.

Whenever I’m sad I just read my blood donor ID.

It always says “B positive”.

(NSFW) Why is donor sperm more costly than donor blood?

Because it's handmade.

A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood donor center.

The rabbit says: "I think I'm a type O."

It's easy to tell if someone is an organ donor.

In fact, its a dead giveaway.

TIL sperm donors are paid $50 per donation.

It was devastating. Imagine all the money that has slipped through my fingers.

Why are kidney donors’ houses so messy?

They are disorganized.

Sperm donor

I think an appropriate song in the waiting area of the sperm donor office would be “if I could put time in a bottle”

Is good intention enough to be an organ donor?

No, it also takes guts.

The Blood Donor

A guy walks into a bar and orders a round of beer for the bar. "I just gave blood for the first time in my life this morning, and I've never felt so great!" the guy exclaims to the bartender. "That's great!" the bartender replies. "You bet it is," the guy says. "Turns out I'm not the father."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a fisherman and a sperm donor have in common?

They’re both masterbaiters

Have I ever told you the story about the organ donor?

It's really disheartening.

I can’t be in the national organ donor program.

I just don’t have the guts.

Why didn't the sperm donor have any free time?

Because he had loads to do.

Meanwhile at the Sperm Donor Bank

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.

He goes up to the nurse and demands for her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.

So she opens the door to the vault and inside are...

What's the difference between the Toronto Maple Leafs and a sperm donor?

One blows leads, the other blows loads

I’ve decided to become an organ donor...

That way when I die an elephant gets a new trunk.

I hope Stephen Hawkins was an organ donor

I really need some parts for my go kart

My drivers license says I'm an organ donor,

but jokes on them because I own a piano.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fecal transplant donor..

Really gives a crap

Did Stephen Hawking have a donor card?

. .Cos I really need bits for my kids go-kart

Hopefully George Michael was an organ donor...

... so on his last Christmas he gave someone his heart

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor tells a patient he has a donor for his penis transplant

..the guy says "Give it to me straight doc.. how long have I got?"

Where does bitish surgeons keep donor organs?

In Liverpool.

Accidentally swiped my donor card instead of my debit card today...

my groceries ended up costing me an arm and a leg

I wanted to open a Sperm Donor Clinic

But the name Jack in the Box was already in use

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Arab and a Jew

There was an Arab oil Sheikh that was in a coma and needed a blood transfusion to survive. Being AB+ it was hard for him to get a donor with the same rare blood type. Finally they found an old Jewish farmer that was listed as a blood donor with the same blood type. However he was very reluctant to g...

The donor organ was going to be a bit late...

I was going to tell the patient, but I didn't have the heart to.

Are you an organ donor?

Or an organ don'tor?

Sperm banks have difficulties finding donors.

TBH, there is zero interest.

What do you call a hospital who lists all their donor patients in alphabetical order

Organ-Ized

My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card

\-He's a man after my own heart

Sperm Donor!

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

...

Vital organ donors never laugh at my jokes.

It’s as if they have no heart.

Which song does the sperm donor play in repeat?

Dire Straits - Money for Nutting

Have you heard about the woman who got pregnant from a sperm donor without telling her partner?

It was a master bait & switch.

Abandoned slogan: “Become an organ donor...”

“...What have you got to lose?”

I went to a sperm bank to become a donor.

Apparently they did not want me, they just told me to beat it.

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Mehmed II, Ottoman Emperor are in a room. Julius Caesar walks in the room. What did he say?

"Veni, vidi, vici."

The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

The Californian government was raising funds to build a new highway. The biggest donors were Apple corp, and a Chinese artist.

Ended up being called the i-Ai Weiwei Way.

Celine Dion is an organ donor...

So when she dies, her heart will go on.

What kind of food do organ donors eat?

Organic

The worst (best?) name for an egg donor clinic?

The Inside Scoop

Why do all professional sperm donors go crazy?

Cause it’s a nut job

I was going to be a sperm donor for a friend

But I pulled out at the last second.

Don't forget, Sperm Donor day is June 16th this year.

It's like Father's Day, but it comes a little early.

The old sperm donor.

After trying for months and failing to make a baby, due to his low sperm count, the young couple began to explore their options. They decided that a
sperm donor would be the best way to go. However, the young man insisted on maintaining the family bloodline and since his father had died at an ea...

My narcissistic friend just became an organ donor...

because "who wouldn't want a piece of this body?"

This guy marched up to me and asked, "Excuse me, but have you considered becoming an organ donor?"

I looked him straight in the eye and said, "Father, I think this church should be able to afford its own!"

Lung cancer has done a real number on me; I don’t have long left. Doc said he’s going to get me a donor lung..

…but I’m not holding my breath.

When I heard you could be a sperm donor by post...

...I came in a jiffy

What do staff say to sperm donors as they leave the clinic?

Thank you, come again.

I’m an organ donor and the other day I was on my way to donate blood.

But I had to stop when the police started asking me about where the heck did I get a bucketful of blood.

A doctor asked the patient if he would like to be a donor.

The patient said, "Yes, but only donate my organs to my enemies."

"Why?" asked the doctor.

"Because they really hate my guts."

My friend asked me why i didn't sign my organ donor card

I want somebody else to be able to use it after I have died.

A registered organ donor passed away. His body was sent to Amazon Prime...

Because they de-liver for free.

We really need to respect organ donors...

It takes guts to do what they do! (I'm sorry)

A woman is badly burned in a car accident and requires a skin graft on her face.

Because of her injuries the doctors are unable to take skin from any part of her body, so they must rely on a donor. Her husband of 25 years volunteers and the operation goes ahead. Whilst deciding which bit of his skin to use he mentions he has a smooth bottom and perhaps that would be the best pla...

Ordered some Christmas presents online the other day and used my donor card instead of my debit card.

Cost me an arm and a leg.

Did you hear about the girl who accidentally put her donor card in the ATM machine?

It cost her an arm and a leg!

The pretty lady at the DMV urged me to sign up to be an organ donor.

That's when I realized she was a girl after my own heart!

One day, two organ donors fell in love with one another.

Eventually they didn't have eyes for one another

Yesterday, I came to the sperm bank as a donor, but instead of appreciating it, the people there kept asking me questions.

Which I found totally unfair, because I obviously couldn't answer with my mouth full.

I think my organ donor girlfriend wants to break up with me.

She just doesn't have the guts to do it.

The person at the drivers license office asked me if I wanted to be an organ donor.

I said sure, and I hope my Wurlitzer goes to a good cause.

Did you hear about the registered donor who had a car crash on the Golden Gate Bridge?

He left his heart in San Francisco.

What did the doctor say about the organ donor which died from a clotted artery?

"at least his death wasn't in vein"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A donor is being given a tour of the hospital wing he helped fund...

a young doctor is showing him around and suddenly they open a door and see a nurse giving a man a hand job. The donor furiously demands to know what's going on. The doctor says "oh, that man has a prostate issue and the nurse is doing that as part of the examination". They move along and a short...

A woman got a job at a horseback riding academy

One day, she was appointed to give a tour to one of the schools' wealthiest donors.

The donor in question was an old man; his eyes were failing but despite that handicap he was impressed with the academy developments.

When they reached the stable to examine the horses, she took him fi...

Upon hearing that my donor is in Eugene, I proceeded to inform my wife that, "My heart is in Oregon."

She replied, "I know what a heart is!"

When I got my license they asked if I wanted to be an organ donor.

I said "I don't own an organ".

I was driving home today and got stuck behind a car with a bumper sticker that said "Be an organ donor!"...

They were doing 20 in a 30.

I guess they aren't feeling that committed to the cause.

Three contractors bid to fix a fence at 10 Downing Street...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at 10 Downing Street. One is from up North another is from Poland, and the third is a Tory Party Donor. All three go with a Tory Party official to examine the fence.

The contractor from up north takes out a tape measure and does some measuri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is touring a hospital to see how they operate

before potentially donating a large sum of money. The director giving him the tour is taking him around and showing him all of the different rooms. As they're walking, they run into a man who's masturbating. The director apologizes to both the masturbating man as well as the potential donor. Once th...

Doctor has a question.

He asks if I'd like to be a kidney donor. I tell him "Doc, I'm all grown up now. I have adult knees, I don't think that'll work."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sixty year old man with a history of heart problems ends up on the transplant list.

After nine years, he finally gets to the top of the list. But it takes another three years to find a suitable donor. His wife goes with him to every appointment with his doctor and every meeting with members of the surgery team. She discusses every aspect of the operation, his medications, his recov...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The plastic surgeon

A plastic surgeon walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I've been wondering... Can you successfully transfer a skin graft off one person's butt to another person who isn't related to the donor?" the bartender asks. "Ass skin for a friend."

An Arab sheikh is dying

... and the only thing that could save him a blood transfusion. But there is a problem - the sheikh has a very rare blood type. After very intensive searches sheik's servants finally find a donor. This happens to be an old Jewish guy who agrees to donate blood in exchange for a substantial reward. T...

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen ar...

I went to go dontate blood yesterday...

...but the phlebotomist said they could not take my blood because there was a Type-O on my donor card.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hospital inspection

A major donor (think having a wing named after him) came to a hospital of which he was a benefactor to see where his money was going. It was up to a Charge Nurse to give him a tour of the med/surg floor.

They are walking down a hallway when the donor looks in and sees a patient in bed furious...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Speaking of foreskins.....

A baby boy was born back in 2015 with a rare condition called Ablepharon-macrostomia syndrome that left him without eyelids.  This happened in my small resort town in upstate NY, it turned that there was a world-renowned plastic surgeon in town and he performed a surgery to correct the condition. Du...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Born without a Torso

A young couple goes through the heartbreak of giving birth to a baby who has no torso--the poor lad is just a head. Still, they are good parents and raise him with love, hoping for a breakthrough from medical science. Then, just before the boy's fifth birthday, the parents get a call from their doct...

I'm one of the few people willing to step into a boxing ring with Mike Tyson

Because I'm an organ donor, it'd be a charity event.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three freshmen meet for the first time in a college dorm....

and introduce themselves, mostly trying to impress one another.

The first one says, "My family has been in America for more than 200 years. My father is C.E.O of the biggest bank in New York and he gave me a BMW to drive around the campus."

The second one says, "That's nice."

T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who is on the giving end of a penis transplant?

A boner donor.

A heart transplant

A patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in a car accident, the 2nd is a 35 year old businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is ...

what do you call a cyclist without a helmet?

an organ donor.

I fired my wife from my own company for drinking on work AND wasting office resources.

You know how hard it is to find sperm donors these days?!

People in China eat all kinds of crazy foods

But for some reason they only take halal organ donors

What was the UK when they signed the Oregon Treaty?

An Oregon donor

My mate needed a bone marrow transplant

We found a match in Argentina

The operation was a success

Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.

A death row prisoner found himself in the heaven after his death.

He asked the god,"Do all executed prisoners go to heaven?"

The god replied,"No,but all organ donors will go to heaven."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.