A sperm donor, a carpenter and Mehmed II, Ottoman Emperor are in a room. Julius Caesar walks in the room. What did he say?

"Veni, vidi, vici."

Lung cancer has done a real number on me; I don’t have long left. Doc said he’s going to get me a donor lung..

…but I’m not holding my breath.

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A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors...

A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors, so the only available option to the surgeon was to attach a baby elephant's trunk. After the surgery and healing process, the guy is ready to start dating again. He's out on his 1st date since the accident and while at the dinn...

Have you heard about the woman who got pregnant from a sperm donor without telling her partner?

It was a master bait & switch.

It’s easy to tell if someone is an organ donor.

It’s a dead giveaway.

A priest, an atheist, and a rabbit walk into a blood donor tent

The rabbit says "I might be a type O"

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I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...

I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.

I hope Stephen Hawkins was an organ donor

I really need some parts for my go kart

A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Ceasar walk into a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered.

Accidentally swiped my donor card instead of my debit card today...

my groceries ended up costing me an arm and a leg

I gave up my dream of becoming an organ donor

I didn’t have the heart for it

Blood donor

I was chatting with a donor before I drew his blood, and he was a dentist. When I drew his blood, there was a little squirt of blood and it surprised him. I looked him deeply in the eyes and told him, “you’re bleeding because you don’t floss”

What do you call an emortal organ donor

A liver

I wanted to open a Sperm Donor Clinic

But the name Jack in the Box was already in use

Sperm banks have difficulties finding donors.

TBH, there is zero interest.

Nurse: Doctor, I have organized the list of donor's hearts, livers, kidneys in alphabetical order

Doctor: Wow, its very *organ-ized*

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Born without a Torso

A young couple goes through the heartbreak of giving birth to a baby who has no torso--the poor lad is just a head. Still, they are good parents and raise him with love, hoping for a breakthrough from medical science. Then, just before the boy's fifth birthday, the parents get a call from their doct...

The donor organ was going to be a bit late...

I was going to tell the patient, but I didn't have the heart to.

The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

Where does bitish surgeons keep donor organs?

In Liverpool.

What did the doctor say to the sad blood donor?











Be positive.



This guy marched up to me and asked, "Excuse me, but have you considered becoming an organ donor?"

I looked him straight in the eye and said, "Father, I think this church should be able to afford its own!"

Why didn't the sperm donor have any free time?

Because he had loads to do.

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A fecal transplant donor..

Really gives a crap

Three contractors bid to fix a fence at 10 Downing Street...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at 10 Downing Street. One is from up North another is from Poland, and the third is a Tory Party Donor. All three go with a Tory Party official to examine the fence.

The contractor from up north takes out a tape measure and does some measuri...

Vital organ donors never laugh at my jokes.

It’s as if they have no heart.

My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card

\-He's a man after my own heart

I’ve decided to become an organ donor...

That way when I die an elephant gets a new trunk.

My friend is a frequent sperm donor

Get a load of this guy

Meanwhile at the Sperm Donor Bank

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.

He goes up to the nurse and demands for her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.

So she opens the door to the vault and inside are...

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It takes guts to be an organ donor,

but it takes balls to be a semen donor.

What’s another name for a sperm bank donor?

A cummunist.

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A man went to the doctor to inquire about options for penis enlargement...

"Doc," he said, "you've got to help me. My penis is miniscule. It always has been. The other boys used to make fun of me in the locker room, girls I dated would laugh at me as soon as we got to the bedroom... I experienced nothing but humiliation my whole life, until I met my wife, god bless her. Sh...

Did Stephen Hawking have a donor card?

. .Cos I really need bits for my kids go-kart

Whenever I’m sad I just read my blood donor ID.

It always says “B positive”.

Yesterday, I came to the sperm bank as a donor, but instead of appreciating it, the people there kept asking me questions.

Which I found totally unfair, because I obviously couldn't answer with my mouth full.

I’m an organ donor and the other day I was on my way to donate blood.

But I had to stop when the police started asking me about where the heck did I get a bucketful of blood.

TIL sperm donors are paid $50 per donation.

It was devastating. Imagine all the money that has slipped through my fingers.

(NSFW) Why is donor sperm more costly than donor blood?

Because it's handmade.

What do staff say to sperm donors as they leave the clinic?

Thank you, come again.

Which song does the sperm donor play in repeat?

Dire Straits - Money for Nutting

What does the receptionist of a sperm bank say to a donor before he leaves the bank?

"Thanks for **coming**."

You think they'd be grateful at the blood donor clinic.

Not harass me with stupid questions like, "Where did this blood come from."

Hopefully George Michael was an organ donor...

... so on his last Christmas he gave someone his heart

Why do all professional sperm donors go crazy?

Cause it’s a nut job

What kind of food do organ donors eat?

Organic

I went to a sperm bank to become a donor.

Apparently they did not want me, they just told me to beat it.

My drivers license says I'm an organ donor,

but jokes on them because I own a piano.

I went to go dontate blood yesterday...

...but the phlebotomist said they could not take my blood because there was a Type-O on my donor card.

I was going to be a sperm donor for a friend

But I pulled out at the last second.

Abandoned slogan: “Become an organ donor...”

“...What have you got to lose?”

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A man is touring a hospital to see how they operate

before potentially donating a large sum of money. The director giving him the tour is taking him around and showing him all of the different rooms. As they're walking, they run into a man who's masturbating. The director apologizes to both the masturbating man as well as the potential donor. Once th...

A doctor asked the patient if he would like to be a donor.

The patient said, "Yes, but only donate my organs to my enemies."

"Why?" asked the doctor.

"Because they really hate my guts."

The worst (best?) name for an egg donor clinic?

The Inside Scoop

Don't forget, Sperm Donor day is June 16th this year.

It's like Father's Day, but it comes a little early.

A registered organ donor passed away. His body was sent to Amazon Prime...

Because they de-liver for free.

When I heard you could be a sperm donor by post...

...I came in a jiffy

Did you hear about the girl who accidentally put her donor card in the ATM machine?

It cost her an arm and a leg!

The pretty lady at the DMV urged me to sign up to be an organ donor.

That's when I realized she was a girl after my own heart!

My friend asked me why i didn't sign my organ donor card

I want somebody else to be able to use it after I have died.

What do you call someone who doesn’t wear a seatbelt?

An organ donor

Upon hearing that my donor is in Eugene, I proceeded to inform my wife that, "My heart is in Oregon."

She replied, "I know what a heart is!"

Celine Dion is an organ donor...

So when she dies, her heart will go on.

Sperm Donor!

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

...

I was driving home today and got stuck behind a car with a bumper sticker that said "Be an organ donor!"...

They were doing 20 in a 30.

I guess they aren't feeling that committed to the cause.

The person at the drivers license office asked me if I wanted to be an organ donor.

I said sure, and I hope my Wurlitzer goes to a good cause.

One day, two organ donors fell in love with one another.

Eventually they didn't have eyes for one another

Did you hear about the registered donor who had a car crash on the Golden Gate Bridge?

He left his heart in San Francisco.

We really need to respect organ donors...

It takes guts to do what they do! (I'm sorry)

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A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him "I believe I found the reason for your stuttering".

The man asked, "Waah.. waaah.. waah.. what is my pro... proo... problem?"

The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant."
...

What did the doctor say about the organ donor which died from a clotted artery?

"at least his death wasn't in vein"

I think my organ donor girlfriend wants to break up with me.

She just doesn't have the guts to do it.

The old sperm donor.

After trying for months and failing to make a baby, due to his low sperm count, the young couple began to explore their options. They decided that a
sperm donor would be the best way to go. However, the young man insisted on maintaining the family bloodline and since his father had died at an ea...

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A donor is being given a tour of the hospital wing he helped fund...

a young doctor is showing him around and suddenly they open a door and see a nurse giving a man a hand job. The donor furiously demands to know what's going on. The doctor says "oh, that man has a prostate issue and the nurse is doing that as part of the examination". They move along and a short...

When I got my license they asked if I wanted to be an organ donor.

I said "I don't own an organ".

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen ar...

I'm one of the few people willing to step into a boxing ring with Mike Tyson

Because I'm an organ donor, it'd be a charity event.

A doctor was telling a colleague about a patient who had come in from a terrible car accident.

"They were losing a lot of blood and had to be operated on right away. The other passengers from the accident came in with them, but were mostly unharmed. As I saw to the patient, a nurse got information from the others involved in the accident, apparently a brother and sister, Augustus and Beatrice...

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Three freshmen meet for the first time in a college dorm....

and introduce themselves, mostly trying to impress one another.

The first one says, "My family has been in America for more than 200 years. My father is C.E.O of the biggest bank in New York and he gave me a BMW to drive around the campus."

The second one says, "That's nice."

T...

Giving

Jane had heard you can make some extra money donating blood. On her lunch break she went on down to the donation centre near her office to give it a go for the first time. After donating and while at the counter to get payment she noticed the man to her left was being paid $100, while she was onl...

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An Arab and a Jew

oil Sheikh that was in a coma and needed a blood transfusion to survive. Being O- it was hard for him to get a donor with the same rare blood type. Finally they found an old Jewish farmer that was listed as a blood donor with the same blood type. However he was very reluctant to give his blood to sa...

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A boy is born with no body

The poor guy had no arms, legs, or body and was just a head kept alive to the mercy of machines.

He sat by the window, day in and day out watching all the other boys play baseball in the field across the street, the dogs sprint to catch their frisbees, and the birds fly around so gracefully. ...

People in China eat all kinds of crazy foods

But for some reason they only take halal organ donors

A death row prisoner found himself in the heaven after his death.

He asked the god,"Do all executed prisoners go to heaven?"

The god replied,"No,but all organ donors will go to heaven."

I fired my wife from my own company for drinking on work AND wasting office resources.

You know how hard it is to find sperm donors these days?!

A beggar indeed

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $10 and that continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to $7.50. “Well,” the beggar thinks, “it’s still better than nothing.”

A year passes in this way until the man’s daily donation suddenly becomes $5.

“What’s goi...

The Rabbi and the Sheikh

A wealthy Sheikh who was travelling in the US met a terrible accident and would need to undergo blood transfusion. The Sheikh had a rare type of blood that the doctor's had never encountered before.
They made tests from several donors but found no match, days passed and the Sheikh's health was g...

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A prostitute has a problem...

There once was a very prolific prostitute. She serviced many a John and a Jane over her career.

Her biggest insecurity was always the way her vagina looked. She had rather large pussy lips (labia minora). Occasionally, she would be rejected by a client because of the way her lady bits looked...

My mate needed a bone marrow transplant

We found a match in Argentina

The operation was a success

Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.

A heart transplant

A patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in a car accident, the 2nd is a 35 year old businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is ...

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A man goes to the Doctor

A man goes to the doctor with a severe speech disorder, determined to discover it's origins.

After many, many tests the doctor comes in with a solemn look on his face.

"werp ducktor, waths da calls of my Airelments?!" The man asked.

The doctor replied. "It appears that your spe...

What was the UK when they signed the Oregon Treaty?

An Oregon donor

When I donate blood...

Donor: When I donate blood, I do not extract it myself, a nurse does it for me.



Nurse: Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way.

My doctor was telling me that my blood tests had a typo

So I guess it's pretty cool to be a universal donor.

A 5 year old boy was in kidney failure.

Dad: "Son, I'm sorry, but your kidneys aren't working anymore."

Son: "it's gonna be fine, dad."

Dad: "I know...we can start dialysis and get you on the donor list."

Son: "I was actually thinking about just asking for my adult knees early."

An Arab sheikh is dying

... and the only thing that could save him a blood transfusion. But there is a problem - the sheikh has a very rare blood type. After very intensive searches sheik's servants finally find a donor. This happens to be an old Jewish guy who agrees to donate blood in exchange for a substantial reward. T...

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Hospital inspection

A major donor (think having a wing named after him) came to a hospital of which he was a benefactor to see where his money was going. It was up to a Charge Nurse to give him a tour of the med/surg floor.

They are walking down a hallway when the donor looks in and sees a patient in bed furious...

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normally don't like longer jokes but, this is funny

A US Navy cruiser was anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening in port, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy, influential plantation owner (who also happened to be a very generous political donor). It read:

"Dear Ca...

What do you call a family that gives a pipe organ to the church?

Organ donors.

A man who recently lost his eye goes into the doctor...

Patient: "Doctor, is there anything we can do to replace my eye?"

Doctor: "Well, we could transplant a donor eye.."

Patient: "Really? Would I be able to see again?!"

Doctor: "No, but it's just for looks anyway!"

Its pretty hard to stay positive...

My grandfather recently died from blood loss. We might have found a donor for his blood type. But nobody knew it. He kept shouting "Be Positive!"
But it was pretty hard to be positive at the time...

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