UPJOKE
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What does the receptionist at the sperm bank says when donors are leaving?

Thank you for coming!

Why are kidney donors’ houses so messy?

They are disorganized.

The Californian government was raising funds to build a new highway. The biggest donors were Apple corp, and a Chinese artist.

Ended up being called the i-Ai Weiwei Way.

A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood donor center.

The rabbit says: "I think I'm a type O."

Is good intention enough to be an organ donor?

No, it also takes guts.

Have I ever told you the story about the organ donor?

It's really disheartening.

I can’t be in the national organ donor program.

I just don’t have the guts.

A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar

He came, he saw, he conquered

What's the difference between the Toronto Maple Leafs and a sperm donor?

One blows leads, the other blows loads

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I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...

I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Mehmed II, Ottoman Emperor are in a room. Julius Caesar walks in the room. What did he say?

"Veni, vidi, vici."

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A doctor tells a patient he has a donor for his penis transplant

..the guy says "Give it to me straight doc.. how long have I got?"

A woman got a job at a horseback riding academy

One day, she was appointed to give a tour to one of the schools' wealthiest donors.

The donor in question was an old man; his eyes were failing but despite that handicap he was impressed with the academy developments.

When they reached the stable to examine the horses, she took him fi...

Lung cancer has done a real number on me; I don’t have long left. Doc said he’s going to get me a donor lung..

…but I’m not holding my breath.

What do you call a hospital who lists all their donor patients in alphabetical order

Organ-Ized

It’s easy to tell if someone is an organ donor.

It’s a dead giveaway.

Sperm donor

I think an appropriate song in the waiting area of the sperm donor office would be “if I could put time in a bottle”

Have you heard about the woman who got pregnant from a sperm donor without telling her partner?

It was a master bait & switch.

I hope Stephen Hawkins was an organ donor

I really need some parts for my go kart

I gave up my dream of becoming an organ donor

I didn’t have the heart for it

Accidentally swiped my donor card instead of my debit card today...

my groceries ended up costing me an arm and a leg

Why didn't the sperm donor have any free time?

Because he had loads to do.

What do you call an emortal organ donor

A liver

The donor organ was going to be a bit late...

I was going to tell the patient, but I didn't have the heart to.

Blood donor

I was chatting with a donor before I drew his blood, and he was a dentist. When I drew his blood, there was a little squirt of blood and it surprised him. I looked him deeply in the eyes and told him, “you’re bleeding because you don’t floss”

The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

Whenever I’m sad I just read my blood donor ID.

It always says “B positive”.

I’ve decided to become an organ donor...

That way when I die an elephant gets a new trunk.

Meanwhile at the Sperm Donor Bank

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.

He goes up to the nurse and demands for her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.

So she opens the door to the vault and inside are...

My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card

\-He's a man after my own heart

Where does bitish surgeons keep donor organs?

In Liverpool.

I wanted to open a Sperm Donor Clinic

But the name Jack in the Box was already in use

My friend is a frequent sperm donor

Get a load of this guy

Could not get my donors for my blood transfusion....

Hospital thought it was a TypO

Did Stephen Hawking have a donor card?

. .Cos I really need bits for my kids go-kart

(NSFW) Why is donor sperm more costly than donor blood?

Because it's handmade.

This guy marched up to me and asked, "Excuse me, but have you considered becoming an organ donor?"

I looked him straight in the eye and said, "Father, I think this church should be able to afford its own!"

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A fecal transplant donor..

Really gives a crap

Hopefully George Michael was an organ donor...

... so on his last Christmas he gave someone his heart

TIL sperm donors are paid $50 per donation.

It was devastating. Imagine all the money that has slipped through my fingers.

Sperm banks have difficulties finding donors.

TBH, there is zero interest.

My drivers license says I'm an organ donor,

but jokes on them because I own a piano.

Someone called me trash, but joke is on them.

I'm an organ donor, I'm recyclable.

I’m an organ donor and the other day I was on my way to donate blood.

But I had to stop when the police started asking me about where the heck did I get a bucketful of blood.

Yesterday, I came to the sperm bank as a donor, but instead of appreciating it, the people there kept asking me questions.

Which I found totally unfair, because I obviously couldn't answer with my mouth full.

Vital organ donors never laugh at my jokes.

It’s as if they have no heart.

I went to a sperm bank to become a donor.

Apparently they did not want me, they just told me to beat it.

A woman is badly burned in a car accident and requires a skin graft on her face.

Because of her injuries the doctors are unable to take skin from any part of her body, so they must rely on a donor. Her husband of 25 years volunteers and the operation goes ahead. Whilst deciding which bit of his skin to use he mentions he has a smooth bottom and perhaps that would be the best pla...

Which song does the sperm donor play in repeat?

Dire Straits - Money for Nutting

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Speaking of foreskins.....

A baby boy was born back in 2015 with a rare condition called Ablepharon-macrostomia syndrome that left him without eyelids.  This happened in my small resort town in upstate NY, it turned that there was a world-renowned plastic surgeon in town and he performed a surgery to correct the condition. Du...

I was going to be a sperm donor for a friend

But I pulled out at the last second.

A registered organ donor passed away. His body was sent to Amazon Prime...

Because they de-liver for free.

The worst (best?) name for an egg donor clinic?

The Inside Scoop

Abandoned slogan: “Become an organ donor...”

“...What have you got to lose?”

What do staff say to sperm donors as they leave the clinic?

Thank you, come again.

A doctor asked the patient if he would like to be a donor.

The patient said, "Yes, but only donate my organs to my enemies."

"Why?" asked the doctor.

"Because they really hate my guts."

Sperm Donor!

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

...

Don't forget, Sperm Donor day is June 16th this year.

It's like Father's Day, but it comes a little early.

Upon hearing that my donor is in Eugene, I proceeded to inform my wife that, "My heart is in Oregon."

She replied, "I know what a heart is!"

Celine Dion is an organ donor...

So when she dies, her heart will go on.

Did you hear about the girl who accidentally put her donor card in the ATM machine?

It cost her an arm and a leg!

When I heard you could be a sperm donor by post...

...I came in a jiffy

My friend asked me why i didn't sign my organ donor card

I want somebody else to be able to use it after I have died.

The pretty lady at the DMV urged me to sign up to be an organ donor.

That's when I realized she was a girl after my own heart!

Why do all professional sperm donors go crazy?

Cause it’s a nut job

I was driving home today and got stuck behind a car with a bumper sticker that said "Be an organ donor!"...

They were doing 20 in a 30.

I guess they aren't feeling that committed to the cause.

Doctor has a question.

He asks if I'd like to be a kidney donor. I tell him "Doc, I'm all grown up now. I have adult knees, I don't think that'll work."

The person at the drivers license office asked me if I wanted to be an organ donor.

I said sure, and I hope my Wurlitzer goes to a good cause.

Did you hear about the registered donor who had a car crash on the Golden Gate Bridge?

He left his heart in San Francisco.

What did the doctor say about the organ donor which died from a clotted artery?

"at least his death wasn't in vein"

The old sperm donor.

After trying for months and failing to make a baby, due to his low sperm count, the young couple began to explore their options. They decided that a
sperm donor would be the best way to go. However, the young man insisted on maintaining the family bloodline and since his father had died at an ea...

I think my organ donor girlfriend wants to break up with me.

She just doesn't have the guts to do it.

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The plastic surgeon

A plastic surgeon walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I've been wondering... Can you successfully transfer a skin graft off one person's butt to another person who isn't related to the donor?" the bartender asks. "Ass skin for a friend."

When I got my license they asked if I wanted to be an organ donor.

I said "I don't own an organ".

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A donor is being given a tour of the hospital wing he helped fund...

a young doctor is showing him around and suddenly they open a door and see a nurse giving a man a hand job. The donor furiously demands to know what's going on. The doctor says "oh, that man has a prostate issue and the nurse is doing that as part of the examination". They move along and a short...

We really need to respect organ donors...

It takes guts to do what they do! (I'm sorry)

One day, two organ donors fell in love with one another.

Eventually they didn't have eyes for one another

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Born without a Torso

A young couple goes through the heartbreak of giving birth to a baby who has no torso--the poor lad is just a head. Still, they are good parents and raise him with love, hoping for a breakthrough from medical science. Then, just before the boy's fifth birthday, the parents get a call from their doct...

Three contractors bid to fix a fence at 10 Downing Street...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at 10 Downing Street. One is from up North another is from Poland, and the third is a Tory Party Donor. All three go with a Tory Party official to examine the fence.

The contractor from up north takes out a tape measure and does some measuri...

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A man went to the doctor to inquire about options for penis enlargement...

"Doc," he said, "you've got to help me. My penis is miniscule. It always has been. The other boys used to make fun of me in the locker room, girls I dated would laugh at me as soon as we got to the bedroom... I experienced nothing but humiliation my whole life, until I met my wife, god bless her. Sh...

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A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him "I believe I found the reason for your stuttering".

The man asked, "Waah.. waaah.. waah.. what is my pro... proo... problem?"

The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant."
...

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen ar...

I went to go dontate blood yesterday...

...but the phlebotomist said they could not take my blood because there was a Type-O on my donor card.

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A man is touring a hospital to see how they operate

before potentially donating a large sum of money. The director giving him the tour is taking him around and showing him all of the different rooms. As they're walking, they run into a man who's masturbating. The director apologizes to both the masturbating man as well as the potential donor. Once th...

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An Arab and a Jew

There was an Arab oil Sheikh that was in a coma and needed a blood transfusion to survive. Being AB+ it was hard for him to get a donor with the same rare blood type. Finally they found an old Jewish farmer that was listed as a blood donor with the same blood type. However he was very reluctant to g...

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Three freshmen meet for the first time in a college dorm....

and introduce themselves, mostly trying to impress one another.

The first one says, "My family has been in America for more than 200 years. My father is C.E.O of the biggest bank in New York and he gave me a BMW to drive around the campus."

The second one says, "That's nice."

T...

I'm one of the few people willing to step into a boxing ring with Mike Tyson

Because I'm an organ donor, it'd be a charity event.

Giving

Jane had heard you can make some extra money donating blood. On her lunch break she went on down to the donation centre near her office to give it a go for the first time. After donating and while at the counter to get payment she noticed the man to her left was being paid $100, while she was onl...

A doctor was telling a colleague about a patient who had come in from a terrible car accident.

"They were losing a lot of blood and had to be operated on right away. The other passengers from the accident came in with them, but were mostly unharmed. As I saw to the patient, a nurse got information from the others involved in the accident, apparently a brother and sister, Augustus and Beatrice...

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A prostitute has a problem...

There once was a very prolific prostitute. She serviced many a John and a Jane over her career.

Her biggest insecurity was always the way her vagina looked. She had rather large pussy lips (labia minora). Occasionally, she would be rejected by a client because of the way her lady bits looked...

A death row prisoner found himself in the heaven after his death.

He asked the god,"Do all executed prisoners go to heaven?"

The god replied,"No,but all organ donors will go to heaven."

I fired my wife from my own company for drinking on work AND wasting office resources.

You know how hard it is to find sperm donors these days?!

People in China eat all kinds of crazy foods

But for some reason they only take halal organ donors

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What do you call someone who is on the giving end of a penis transplant?

A boner donor.

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A man goes to the Doctor

A man goes to the doctor with a severe speech disorder, determined to discover it's origins.

After many, many tests the doctor comes in with a solemn look on his face.

"werp ducktor, waths da calls of my Airelments?!" The man asked.

The doctor replied. "It appears that your spe...

My mate needed a bone marrow transplant

We found a match in Argentina

The operation was a success

Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.

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