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Divorce Lawyer Jokes

I’m a divorce lawyer

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the be...

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Mickey Mouse goes to see a divorce lawyer.

The lawyer says, "So you're divorcing Minnie because she's totally crazy?"

Mickey huffs and says, "No! I'm divorcing her because she's fucking Goofy!"

An elderly couple in their 90s go to a divorce lawyer.

They tell him they'd like to file for divorce. He looks at them and asks, "Why would you get a divorce at your age?" The husband replies, "Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were dead."

A blonde woman calls a divorce lawyer.

Lawyer: Why do you want a divorce?

Blonde: My husband's been cheating on me.

Lawyer: He's been cheating on you? What makes you say that?

Blonde: He isn't the father of my son.

The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.

I said alphabetically or by age

Why is Passover the slowest time of the year for Jewish divorce lawyers?

Leaven is forbidden.

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Mickey Mouse is talking to his divorce lawyer

The law contemplates for a while, then leans forward and says, “Let me get this straight. You say want to divorce your wife because she is acting really silly?”

“No, sir, I said she is fucking Goofy”

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Mickey and Minnie go to a divorce lawyer

Mickey and Minnie go to a divorce lawyer. The lawyer says "Mickey, it says here that would want to divorce Minnie because she's crazy? Mental illness is a sickness. Didnt you vow to love her in sickness and in health?" Mickey replied "You misunderstood. I never said she was crazy, I said she was fuc...

What is the cost of a good divorce lawyer?

Far less than a bad one.

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A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.

He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more c...

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Not a woman or a farmer, but a Polish man goes to a divorce lawyer....

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day the Polish man rushed into a lawyer's office
and asked the lawyer if the lawyer could arrange a divorce for him.



The lawyer said that g...

This is the first joke I wrote by myself, feedback appreciated

A man came back home to his wife after a long business journey. After a happy reunion, their parrot suddenly started talking out of nowhere.

"Yes, put it in that hole!" it squawked loudly with a female voice.

"What the hell?" said the man. "Where did the parrot learn that?"

"No,...

Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up

However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.

They're great at separating independent Clauses.

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After I left my husband, he met somebody who could fuck him better than I could

The divorce lawyer.

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Mickey Mouse wants a divorce

So he goes to see a divorce lawyer.

Mickey: ... and that’s the situation.

Lawyer: you can’t get a divorce from Minnie just because she’s a little weird.

Mickey: you don’t get it, she’s really fucking Goofy.

Saw an office sign the other day, it said Ditcher, Quick & Hyde...

...Divorce lawyers

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So there's a new machine down at the drug store...

Kevin and Tom are talking one day at the bar when Kevin mentions his elbow has been bothering him and he needs to make a doctor's appointment.

Tom tells him, "No, don't make an appointment. There's an amazing new machine down at the drug store. All you do is put in a urine sample and $10 and...

What profession will gain the most business after Covid19 lockdown?

Divorce Lawyers

My doctor said "You need to get rid of 130 pounds of unhealthy fat"...

.. So I called a divorce lawyer.

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A little kid is tossing a nickel in the air and catching it in his mouth...

The little kid says "Hey dad watch this!" and does it again. This time he actually inhales the nickel and starts choking.

The dad realizes what is happening and slaps the kid on the back trying to dislodge the nickel. Nothing. The gives the kid the Heimlich maneuver, still nothing.

In ...

[ultrasound]

Wife: "How does he look?"

Doctor: "This is honestly the biggest baby I've ever seen."

Husband: "So we're finally talking about the elephant in the womb."

Doctor:

Wife: "I keep a divorce lawyer on retainer."

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Mickey Mouse decided he wanted a divorce...

He went to a divorce lawyer and explained why he wanted to end his marriage to Minnie Mouse.

The lawyer reviewed the story and said "I don't really think your wifes mental instability is a reason to leave her."

Mickey then replied "I didn't say she was crazy! I said she was fucking Goo...

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Mickey's Divorce

Mickey Mouse is in his divorce lawyer's office.
Lawyer: I'm sorry, Mr. Mouse, but you cannot divorce your wife for being silly.
Mickey Mouse: I didn't say she was silly. I said she was FUCKING GOOFY!

Probably not the first time this has been posted, but I just found this subreddit and...

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