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Dive Bar Jokes

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A guy walks into a dive bar...

And takes a seat at a table. Looking over their menu, he sees it has only three options: Tuna Salad Sandwich $1.50, Chicken Salad Sandwich $4.50 and lastly Hand Job $5.00.

"Wow, what a bargain," he thought to himself, somewhat stunned as a gorgeous blonde approached to take his order. "Are...

Walked into the local dive bar ..

Sat at the bar only to hear some lady obnoxiously talking about what kinda men she sleeps with , "I only date guys with 8 inches!". I told her , "I aint cutting 2 inches off for anybody!!

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A man walks into a seedy dive bar in Washington DC.

After letting his eyes adjust to the dimness of the bar, he notices President Trump and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan talking quietly at a corner table.

He orders a beer then walks up to the two and says, "Mr. President, Mr. Ryan, I am a huge fan of yours! What are you guys doing in a sh...

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Guy Fieri walks into a dive bar/restaurant after a long day of filming.

The menu board lists:

$5 Grilled Cheese Sandwich

$10 Growler of Beer

$25 Handjob

$50 Blowjob

The gorgeous bartender sees him at the bar and seductively asks what he'd like to order. Guy asks her if she is the woman performing the handjobs and blowjobs, to which s...

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An engineer and a scientist walk into a dive bar....

Smiling, happy, the engineer says, "Bartender, shots for everyone!"

The bartender leans in, confused, "I can tell you're not from around here. Are you sure you want to buy these people drinks?"

The scientist retorts with, "Make 'em doubles!"

The bartender deploys the drinks to e...

I was drinking at a dive bar, met a really attractive 47 yr old woman.

She looked great for her age. We ordered another drink and she asked me if I’ve ever had a “Sportsman Double?”

I scratched my head and asked “What’s that?”

She replied “It’s a mother daughter threesome.”

I told her “No” with a smirk and we had 3 to 4 more rounds. The conversatio...

I found myself at a seedy dive bar last night and after returning from the bathroom, I nearly choked on a shoestring!

I couldn't believe that someone had laced my drink...

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A man and his raccoon

I was out drinking the other night and a man and his pet raccoon walk into the bar. It's about 7pm, in a near empty dive bar. Seemed a bit odd but as I watched I could tell they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night go...

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The ugly man

Once upon a time there was a man so ugly that society shunned him and he lived alone in a little house outside of town near the railroad tracks. He kept to himself most days but sometimes visited a dive bar further up the tracks where he'd nod to that bartender and sit in a corner and quietly drink ...

The Bar with the Golden Toilet

A guy is recounting his previous night's drunken adventure to his buddy.

"I'm telling ya man. This is the best bar in the whole city. Every Friday night they have all you can drink specials for $2. And the best part... a sorority house is right next door and the place is just filled with youn...

My friends tried to take me to an underwater tavern but I declined.

I hate dive bars.

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An retired elderly couple visit London..

They get picked up from the airport in a london black cab and head off into the city for some adventure.

The cab driver say "where you from guvnor?"

Husband. "we're from South Africa"..

The wife is a little hard of hearing asks her husband.

"What did he say?"

The ...

Where do scuba divers go to relax after work?

Dive bars.

How to be happy in a marriage...

When I got married it was sooo wonderful. My co-workers asked, “How do you stay happy?” Easy I replied, we both go on dates twice a week. We go have a romantic dinner, then listen to music at a dive bar and get our groove on afterwards. “Wow really?” they said. Yea she goes on Tuesdays and I go on ...

Every bar in Houston right now..

..is a dive bar.

Definition of a good date

Three female room mates come back from three different dates, the first two arrived at the same time, both with miserable looks on their faces. They asked each other how their dates were.

"Terrible," said the first, "he wouldn't stop talking about himself. I nearly fell asleep in my meal."...

A lady walked into a tattoo parlor...

A lady walked into a tattoo parlor and asked to have her favorite two country stars tattooed on her thighs. “I want Elvis’ face right her on this thigh, and Johnny Cash’s face on the other one.” After the work was done, she walked out onto the sidewalk and stopped the first man she saw – a fellow st...

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