UPJOKE

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### How many calories are in eating pussy?

It depends which way she wipes.

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### How many calories does poop have?

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### They say having sex burns as many calories as running 8 miles…

I think that’s ridiculous, who can run 8 miles in 30 seconds

### Just burned 2,000 calories.

I promise that's the last time I leave brownies in oven while I nap.

### I just burned 1200 calories...

I left the pizza in the oven too long.

### I've been counting calories.

I'm trying to beat my high score.

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### What's the difference between a calorie and a dick?

Your mom can tell you how many calories she eats per day.

### I just burned 81,500 calories

Now to hide the remains and the flamethrower

### My New Years resolution was to eat 1200 calories a day. I’ve been doing so great!

I’ve surpassed my goal every day so far!

### Just burnt 2,000 calories...

That'll be the last time I bake a pizza while I'm asleep!

empty.

### How many calories are in a communion bread?

Nun!

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### They say that, during sex, you burn off as many calories as running right miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

Edit: I appreciate all the real jokes in the comments.

As for the guy who invented autocorrect, well, there's a special place in she'll for him.

### 1400 calories a day?

Pfft, piece of cake.

### You burn 26 calories a minute kissing.

That's probably why I'm overweight.

### What do you call a vampire that checks the calorie content of these between meals?

Count Snackula.

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### My wife and I just discovered an easy way to burn 2000 calories an hour during sex

Note to self: Leave bedroom door open so we can hear the oven timer next time.

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### Run.

Scientists say that making love use's the same amount of calories as running a mile, I think that is bullshit, who the fuck can run a mile in fifteen seconds.?

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### It's said that you can burn up to a 150 calories during sex.

That's a very impressive amount to burn in 2 seconds.

### How do you burn a lot of calories quickly?

Set a fat kid on fire

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### A recent study says sex burns 3.6 calories a minute...

So that’s why I’m fat.

### What’s the best way to burn 1,000 calories?

Leave the pizza in the oven.

### I burnt 800 calories this morning

Forgot the pizza in the oven.

### I just burnt 2500 calories

This is the last time I take a nap while baking cookies

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### As a sex education teacher, I know that the semen in the average male ejaculation has about 20 calories.

But I tell my daughter that there are 350 calories in it.

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### You can burn up to 150 calories through one vigorous session of masturbation...

Still got me kicked out of my weight watchers meeting though.

### U.S. vending machines to begin displaying calorie information to encourage smarter snack choices.

Machines’ reflective glass surface not doing the trick.

### Does the body burn fewer calories in a day in amputees?

Yes. By an arm and a leg.

### Managed to lose 1000 calories in five seconds...

...by dropping my cheeseburger :(

### How to burn 3500 calories ( a pound of fat) in your sleep!

Sleep for 55 hours.

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### Lady: How many calories are there is Semen?

Doctor: Trust me.

If you swallow he won't give a fuck how fat you are.

### Calories are just like the Viet Cong

Even if you burn them, they come back

### I wonder how many calories women burn by...

... jumping to conclusions.

### My doctor told me to reduce my calories.

So I went home, raided the cupboards, and ate half of eight muffins.

The next time I saw him, he looked me up and down, and said, "Have you been reducing your calories?"

I said, "Yes. Just the other day I ate half of eight muffins."

"What! You haven't lis...

### I just burnt 400 calories.

I left the popcorn in the microwave for too long.

### What do you call a whole grain that’s zero calories but is rarely used?

Weird flax but 0k

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### Sex burns 300 calories an hour.

After doing some extensive calculations, this year I burned roughly 5 calories.

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### Did you hear about the new device that counts how many calories you burn during sex?

It's called the ClitBit.

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### Bondage sex can burn 200 calories an hour.

Oh boy, can it burn.

### How do you burn a lot of calories at once?

Douse a fat person with gasoline and light a match

### Banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour.

It also gets you removed from your local gym.

In kill-o-bites.

### The thing with people who are bad at counting calories..

..is that they have the figures to prove it

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### Did you know peanut butter has 124 calories per spoonful?

That's nuts

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### How many calories does the average ejaculated semen has?

Apparently not enough to keep my baby alive

### “Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?“

“Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?“

### I went down to the gym, and lost 1200 calories

Next time, I'll take the pizza out of the oven

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### Doctor walks into a restaurant to try some new dishes

"Hello, what do you like to have today?" Asked the waitress

"Just give anything" said the doctor.

The waitress brings out a double cheese burger with fries.

The doctor took a bite and dislikes it.

"The burger is full of grease, too much fat and fries are just extra carbs...

### I track my calories religiously every day.

First they are on my plate and then I put them in my mouth

### An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' a...

### A priest told me this joke as a kid.

There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl.

They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to he...

### An American and a Soviet general are at the UN and are bragging about who has the best soldiers.

The American says: "We train our men hard; our boys march 100 miles a day in basic training". The Russian says "Da, so what? Our soldiers march 200 miles a day and double on weekends".

The American retorts "Well... when our GIs march they do it carrying 90lb packs without so much as a complai...

### A Russian, a Brit and an American are stuck on a mountain

While they wait for rescue to arrive, they get together for a meal. As everyone is taking out their kits and prepping, the Russian starts boasting "in the soviet army, they feed us 2000 calories of food a day". The Brit turns and scoffs at him, then he says " in the royal army, we are fed 4000 calor...

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### A joke my dad, who is Polish, tells me all the time so I'm convinced it must be real funny

It is the cold war and there is a global military convention where each military boasts how their army is the best. After a long day of watching each country's army marching with their strongest and most masculine men, the generals sit down in the banquet hall. An American, German, and Soviet genera...

### At an international military convention during the Cold War,

various generals from around the world gathered to brag about their accomplishments. An American general stood up and proudly stated, "In the US military, all of our soldiers get 3000 calories a day and we can raise it to 5000 during periods of hard training."

A Soviet general, upon hearing ...

### A Soviet Corporal meets an American Corporal.

The American Corporal says,, American troops eat over 2000 calories every day!"
The Soviet Corporal takes out a calculator and after a while he responds:
,, That's impossible! No one can consume 25 pounds of potatoes daily!"

### What's a light year?

Same thing as a regular year, just with less calories.

### Eating food is a lot of work.

It's the most calorie consuming thing I do all day.

### 3 Warsaw Pact generals are sitting around a table..

discussing military rations for their armies.

The East German General says "For a East German soldier he needs 2500 calories a day to be combat fit for battle!"
The Soviet General scoffs and says "Pfft for Soviet soldier to be combat fit he only needs 2200 calories a day!"
The Polis...

### “Why shouldn’t I eat cinderblocks, Doc?”

“Because they’re just empty calories”

### Two girls are in a bar having a chat...

The first says to her friend, "I am going to ask my doctor how many calories there are in sperm". To which the friend replies "If you're swallowing that much nobody's going to care if you're a little bit chubby!"

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### I just masturbated while wearing my new Apple Watch.

Apparently I burned as many calories as if I walked 8 steps.

### A Chinese and a USA general debate on who's army is better taken care of..

"Our army is well fed. They're getting 1000 calories in meals every day!", says the Chinese general.

The USA general thinks for a second and replies: "Our soldiers receive over 4000 calories daily!"

"That's impossible," the Chinese general scoffs, "Who could possibly eat half a...

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### My favourite Russian joke.

3 soldiers are all sitting around bragging about their armies. A Russian, an Israeli and an American.

The Russian boasts, "In our army we get 500 calories of field ration per day."

The Israeli says, "We get 1000 calories a day for field ration."

The American says, "Well we get a...

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### A Red Dwarf star, a Main Sequence star, and a neutron star are all hanging out and telling stories.

The Red Dwarf decides to share a joke. He says, "What’s a light-year?"

"It's the same as a regular year, but with less calories!" All three burst into laughter.

After a few minutes the neutron star confesses that he didn't get the joke. Both the Main Sequence star and the Red Dwarf tu...

### A Russian, British, and American soldier are talking...

The Russian says, "Glorious motherland send her best soldiers 2,000 calories a day! Is feast for grateful soldiers!"

The Brit chuckles and says "Well old chap, the dear Queen does send her finest fighting men 3,000 calories a day, so I'm quite afraid we have you beat...

### What an interesting discussion to start

Hey guys, I wanted to ask if you eat the middle of the donut. I've heard that it has a lot of calories so I don't eat it, I don't throw it out either it just dissapears.

### What do Bulimia and Coke Zero have in common?

Twice the taste, zero calories.

### The Russian and American generals are talking about their troops..(Old Joke)

The Russian general says, "we feed our troops 1,500 calories a day." The American general says "that's nothing. We feed our troops 5,000 calories a day, at least." "Impossible!" says the Russian general. "No man can eat an entire sack of potatoes in 24 hours."