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Calorie Jokes

Just burned 2,000 calories.

That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

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They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

I burnt 1200 calories yesterday!

Forgot to take the pizza out of the oven...

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How many calories are in eating pussy?

It depends which way she wipes.

I've been counting calories.

I'm trying to beat my high score.

I just burned 81,500 calories

Now to hide the remains and the flamethrower

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What's the difference between a calorie and a dick?

Your mom can tell you how many calories she eats per day.

I am on a strict diet of 1200 calories per day

Luckily, the doctor didn't say anything about the nights.

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How many calories does poop have?

A shitload

Just burnt 2,000 calories...

That'll be the last time I bake a pizza while I'm asleep!

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A Black Guy, a Japanese guy, a Chinese Guy, an Arab, a Turk and a second Black guy walk into a bar

The Arab guy sits down at the bar and subsequently, he gets served first.

The bartender says, "what'll it be?"

The Arab guy says to him, "I think I'll get a Mich Ultra. Nothing too high calorie; I'm actually trying to lose a few pounds for the upcoming charity 5k next month."

Th...

1400 calories a day?

Pfft, piece of cake.

You burn 26 calories a minute kissing.

That's probably why I'm overweight.

I like my uterus how I like my calories…

empty.

How many calories are in a communion bread?

Nun!

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It's said that you can burn up to a 150 calories during sex.

That's a very impressive amount to burn in 2 seconds.

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They say that, during sex, you burn off as many calories as running right miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

Edit: I appreciate all the real jokes in the comments.

As for the guy who invented autocorrect, well, there's a special place in she'll for him.

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You can burn up to 150 calories through one vigorous session of masturbation...

Still got me kicked out of my weight watchers meeting though.

My New Years resolution was to eat 1200 calories a day. I’ve been doing so great!

I’ve surpassed my goal every day so far!

What’s the best way to burn 1,000 calories?

Leave the pizza in the oven.

How do you burn a lot of calories quickly?

Set a fat kid on fire

What do you call a vampire that checks the calorie content of these between meals?

Count Snackula.

I just burnt 400 calories.

I left the popcorn in the microwave for too long.

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Sex burns 3.6 calories a minute.

On average, I burn 1.8 calories everytime I have sex

Managed to lose 1000 calories in five seconds...

...by dropping my cheeseburger :(

Calories are just like the Viet Cong

Even if you burn them, they come back

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Lady: How many calories are there is Semen?

Doctor: Trust me.

If you swallow he won't give a fuck how fat you are.

I wonder how many calories women burn by...

... jumping to conclusions.

Does the body burn fewer calories in a day in amputees?

Yes. By an arm and a leg.

My doctor told me to reduce my calories.

So I went home, raided the cupboards, and ate half of eight muffins.



The next time I saw him, he looked me up and down, and said, "Have you been reducing your calories?"



I said, "Yes. Just the other day I ate half of eight muffins."



"What! You haven't lis...

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Sex burns 300 calories an hour.

After doing some extensive calculations, this year I burned roughly 5 calories.

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My wife and I just discovered an easy way to burn 2000 calories an hour during sex

Note to self: Leave bedroom door open so we can hear the oven timer next time.

How many calories are in weed?

About 420/gram

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Bondage sex can burn 200 calories an hour.

Oh boy, can it burn.

U.S. vending machines to begin displaying calorie information to encourage smarter snack choices.

Machines’ reflective glass surface not doing the trick.

How to burn 3500 calories ( a pound of fat) in your sleep!

Sleep for 55 hours.

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How many calories does the average ejaculated semen has?

Apparently not enough to keep my baby alive

How does a tech savvy cannibal count his calories?

In kill-o-bites.

The glass of nutella has about 9870 calories.

But I don't care.I never eat the glass anyway.

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' a...

How do you burn a lot of calories at once?

Douse a fat person with gasoline and light a match

Banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour.

It also gets you removed from your local gym.

The thing with people who are bad at counting calories..

..is that they have the figures to prove it

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