This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does lite beer and making love in a canoe have in common?

They're both fucking close to water.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Male Birth Control

So Cletus decided 9 kids was enough since there was no more room on their bed, so off he went to the local vet. He told the vet he and his cousin were through with having kids, and asked to be snipped.
"The way I see it" - said the vet - "You have one of two choices. You can either get a vasectom...

Lite: the new way to spell “Light,”

now with 20% fewer letters!

The CEOs of Miller, Budweiser, Cours, and Guinness walk into a bar

The CEO of Miller says to the bartender, "I want the best beer you have, a Miller Lite."

"Oh no," says the Budweiser CEO. "Your head is on backwards. Me, I'll have the king of beers, a Budweiser."

"I'll have the only beer brewed with Rocky Mountain spring water," chimes in the Coors C...

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart...

...'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts i...

Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The three CEOS then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?

He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer than n...

The Nintendo DS' cheaper version was the DS Lite. A cheaper Nintendo Switch would be

The Nintendo Lite-Switch

I was right there when God got tired of drinking Michelob...

He said:

> Now, let there be Lite.

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a G...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

the head brewmasters of Budweiser, Miller, and Guinness walk into a bar..

the brewmaster of Budweiser orders first and proudly asks for the most popular brew in America, a Bud Light.

the brewmaster of Miller smiles and asks for a true original, a Miller Lite.

the brewmaster of Guinness winces and orders a Diet Coke.

"a Diet Coke?!," exclaim the oth...

What is a vampires favorite alcoholic beverage

Blood Lite

I'm running a low fever and have a slight, dry cough. But don't worry

It's just Corona Lite.

Three vampires walk into a bar...

The first one says “I’ll have a pint of blood”

The second says “I’ll have one too”

The third says “I’ll have a pint of plasma”

The bartender says “So that’ll be two bloods and a blood lite?”

A polar bear walks into a bar

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I'll have a Bud Lite. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ....

What Beer does Mr. Potato Head drink?

Spud Lite

A man walks into a bar...

And asks the bartender "Get me a drink. I'll take anything but Bud Lite."


Bartender asks "What do you have against Bud Lite?"


"Well last time I drank that stuff I killed 21 bottles, went home and blew chunks." He answered


"You must be stupid! Drinking 21 of anything ...

Three vampires enter a dim bar in Kent.

The barmaid asks "What'll you have gentlemen?"

Flashing his best spooky grin, the first vampire says "I'll have a glass of blood"  When she asks second vampire, he says,"Glass of blood please"  She looks at the third vampire and he smirks and says, "I'll take a glass of plasma"

She shr...

I'm an outgoing diet-communist

A socia-Lite, if you will.

Why do you never trust overweight female drug dealers?

Because they always cell-u-lite

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Horse went to a bar and started drinking beer. He ended up drinking too much beer.

He then accidentally spilled beer of another guy sitting next to him. He apologized and said he’s gonna buy beer for him. The guy agreed. Horse had already ran out of money though. So he hides behind the counter and silently pissed on the glass and fills it up. He gives the glass to the man.
Af...

A Man and his Camel

There once was a very strange, lonely man living out in the woods alone. His family has been gone for many years, and has lived most of his life without anyone. He has had no physical contact with people in such a long time, other than going to town every could of months. But he wanted this to chang...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Californian, a Texan, and a Coloradan are sitting at a bar...

The Californian drinks half his bottle of wine before throwing it up in the air and shooting the bottle.

"What was that for??" The bartender asks.

"I'm from California," The Californian replies, "We've got plenty of wine"

"Fair enough," says the bartender and he goes about his w...

A rope walked into a bar

The rope asked the bartender: "can I get a
Bud Lite?"

The bartender responded: "Sir, we don't serve ropes"

The rope went into the bathroom with a knife and frayed himself, then went back to the bar

The rope asked again: "Can I get a Bud Lite?"

The bartender responded:...

3 Bats Walk Into A Bar...

One tells the bartender "I'll have a pint of blood". The next bat says "I'll have a pint of blood as well." The last bat says "I'll have a pint of plasma."

So the bartender says, "alright let me get this straight, you guys want two bloods and a blood lite?"

What distance does light travel on a diet?

Lite years.

A JOURNEY FROM MAN TO MONK

There was once a man just like me and you. He woke up in the morning, went to work and enjoyed a beer with his friends in the evening.

One day the man was walking down an empty street when a young man jumped at him with a knife, stabbed him and took his money.

The man thought surely h...

4th of July Alcohol puns: American Heroes edition.

So this all started with Abraham Drinkin.

Help us come up with more. It has to be a character from American History to celebrate today as well as some sort of alcohol theme.

Here's what we have so far (some are better than others) :

Abraham Drinkin

John Wilkes Booze
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate it when people put cigarette butts in urinals.

They get soggy and hard to lite.

What's blue and doesn't weight very much?

Lite Blue

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Divorcee

Heard this from a friend a couple years back...

A man named Ted has recently been divorced. It was ugly; his wife got the dog, the nice house in the suburbs and the car, and Ted is forced to stay in a shitty motel in an even shittier part of town. Depressed and with nothing left to lose, Ted...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a lady walks into a bar...

A good looking woman who was known to get blackout drunk after drinking one bottle of beer walks into a tavern and orders a bottle of Budweiser. She finishes the beer, a few minutes pass, and she yells out; "I wanna make love to every guy in here"! And she does. Next evening, she goes to the same ba...

What does a vampire on a diet drink?

Blood Lite

Thanks Jim Butcher...

Guy comes into my bar and wants any beer but a stinkin Budweiser.

So I pour him a Coors light.
He slams it down and says
"Hey barkeep! Gimmie another beer, as long as it ain't one of them stinkin Budweisers!"
So I pour him a Lone Star and he slams it back like the previous pint. "Hey barkeep! Gimmie another beer, as long as it ain't one of those stinkin...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.