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Diagnostic Jokes

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Scott, “My elbow hurts like hell.

I guess I'd better see a doctor."

“Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Scott replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer ...

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Sexual fetishes are getting seperate volume in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

There is now the a-DSM and the b-DSM.

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[Long] A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept...

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Super-Diagnostic Machine

Leroy and Roscoe are sitting around the lunch table in the break room when Roscoe starts complaining about his elbow. "I reckon Imma hafta go down to the doc and have him check this thang out." Leroy says, "Naw, don't waste yur money. Wal-Mart has this new contrapshun whur you can go and put a pi...

I tell all my dates I'm an open book.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fifth edition.

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Public Health England.

Due to the shortage of lateral flow tests available the government are going to introduce a new '1 minute self diagnostic' process.

You put one finger in your mouth, and one up your ass.

After 60 seconds swap fingers, if you can't smell or taste the difference, Isolate.

A person unsure if God exists rolled a numbered cube to determine the answer.

It was a diagnostic test.

Google just test fired the first fully automated rifle ever made, but it jammed on the first shot!

While going through the diagnostics R&D figured out the problem: ERR 404, GUN FAILED TO LOAD.

A mechanic and a Doctor are talking

The mechanic and doctor are good friends hanging out when the mechanic says

"You know our jobs are similar. We both have to study symptoms, run diagnostics, and repair/replace faulty parts." The doctor nods in agreement. "So why do you make so much more than us?"

The doctor smiles and ...

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Farmer problems (long joke)

There was a farmer, who owned a Datsun Ute. He used this Datsun for all his farm work, feeding the horses.. Throwing bails of hay out the back of it.. Carrying firewood and what not. When all of sudden one day, chug chug chug it breaks down.

So he decides to go back to the shed to grab his tr...

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NSFW An Unusual Affliction

A man goes to his doctor to complain about what he believes is a social disease he's contracted.

"Doc, you've got to help me. My dick has turned completely orange!"

The Doc runs all the usual diagnostic tests, but they all come back showing he has a clean bill of health.

Baffled...

New viruses

Coming to a hard drive near you, the worst computer viruses yet: AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you’re getting. MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus. Paul Revere Virus: Warns of impending hard disk attac...

At the doctor's office.

A man was not feeling well so he went to see his doctor.

The doctor probes him, takes blood samples and sends them to the lab then sends the man to X-ray and for a CAT scan, then uses the MRI equipment and all the high tech medical diagnostic equipment the office has to find out what is wrong...

WebMD has integrated Google's Deepmind.

On startup it performed a self diagnostic test.

Turns out, it's cancer.

The French Test Drive

An American couple took their honeymoon in France, and they loved it so much they decided they just had to live there. But the costly move left them in financial hardship. Eventually, they did both find jobs, but on opposite ends of the city, so they decided to buy a car.

"This one," said the...

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Why psychologists don't like bondage sex?

-because they only like DSM

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A man goes to his doctor with a sore arm.

He sits down on the exam table and the doctor looks at his arm.
"What seems to be the trouble today, Mr. Wainscotting?", the doctor asks.
"Doc, I've got terrible pain starting in my bicep and extending down to my forearm." replies Mr. Wainscotting.
"Let's have a look."
The doctor examine...

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A man goes to his doctor and discovers...

...a strange new machine. His doctor tells him that it's a diagnosis machine; it deduces patients' problems by analyzing appropriate samples. After being told to try it, he put a sample into the receptacle. After a few seconds, the screen read "Tennis Elbow, Minor: Apply ice pack for 5 minutes every...

666 is the Number of the Beast

This from Todd Lewis, who has a great sense of humor.

We all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.

But did you know that:

* $666.95 - Retail price of the Beast
* $699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
* $769.95 - Price of the Beast with all...

An Eskimo took his snowmobile to the mechanic

The mechanic tells the Eskimo that diagnostics will take a couple of hours. The Eskimo walks around town while he waits.

When the Eskimo gets back to the shop, the mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal".

The Eskimo says "No, I was eating ice cream"

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