Scans Jokes - 44 Hilarious Scans Jokes

Cashier: Scans Condoms

“Do you need a bag sir?”

Me: Jesus, she’s not that ugly

Scans of a newly discovered sarcophagus have revealed that the mummy inside was coated in nuts and chocolate

It’s believed to have been body of Pharaoh Roche.

An old drunk walks in the the toughest biker bar. He immediately Scans the crowd until he find the toughest biker in the bar

The guy is a Monster or a man and looks very dangerous. The old drunken man sits down on a bar stool next to him and says loudly, “Hey buddy! Hey! Tough guy! Why don’t you buy me a beer before I go home and go bang your mom!”

The crowd goes silent; they know this biker has killed for far les...

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

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TIL that comparative brain scans of elephants reveal that they find humans to be "adorable".

I mean, your mom told me I was sexy, but I didn't realize that it was a biological reaction.

Speaking of PET scans, did you guys hear about the new law they passed in Oregon where dogs can no longer operate MRI machines?

Apparently cats can.

A female nudist calls for a taxi

The taxi stops and the driver scans her from head to toe, with big bold eyes.

At this the nudist erupts: Haven't you seen a naked girl before?

Driver : It's not about that, I'm just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me..

This is my dad's (a math major) favourite joke. What's the difference between an Engineer and a Mathematician?

A mathematician and an engineer are living together in a dorm when a fire starts in their room.

The mathematician wakes up and sees the fire. He quickly scans the room and sees a fire extinguisher and goes back to bed, happy knowing a solution exists.

The engineer wakes up, sees the f...

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A programmer is working on a convenience store cash register...

A programmer is working on the software for a cash register computer at a convenience store. He finally thinks he got it done and tests a few items. Scans a gallon of milk:

> $2.50

Perfect. How about this bag of beef jerky?

> $4.99

Excellent. 20 oz soda?

>...

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Little Johnny and the Alphabet

Little Johnny’s teacher announces to the class, “For today’s exercise, I will go through the alphabet and for each letter, select a student to share a word that begins with that letter.”

She scans the class and begins, “The first letter is A.”

Several students raise their hands, includ...

A Ranger was given the job of

hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an aboriginal Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Scout gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".

The Ranger scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothi...

Scientists recently have been doing some new studies with the mummy of Egypt's famous boy king.

With the aid of highly advanced mri scans they were able to ascertain he suffered from a major gastro intestinal disorder. Apparently he was lactose intolerant. So it turns out, me and the Egyptian kid got a toot in common

A man is feeling ill so he goes to the doctors

After a few scans, the doctor approaches him and says "It's not looking good, you've got 10."The man, confused, replies "10 what? Years? Months?"

The doctor sighs and continues, "9...8...7..."

A woman walks onto a bus

A woman walks onto a bus holding her baby. As she scans her card, the bus driver looks up to her and says, "Have a sea... Whoa, that is an ugly baby!!".
The lady is shocked and shields the baby with her hand and takes a seat. She just sits there getting more and more angry. The man sitting n...

A Mexican guy and his pet otter go to a restaurant . . .

A Mexican guy and his pet otter go to a restaurant, sit down at a table, and place their order. They are in for an early dinner and are the only customers. The chef looks down at the order slip and says incredulously: “who comes to a restaurant and orders a whole raw fish?”. His sous chef scans the ...

A man goes to the grocery store and buys a banana, three peaches, and two pears.

As the cashier scans his food, she looks at it all and says "You must be single."

The man smiles and says "Yeah, how did you know?"

"Oh," she says, "Because you're ugly."

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A drunk old man stumbles into a bar . . .

It’s the roughest bar at the end of the roughest street in town. It’s full of the scariest, meanest bikers you ever saw. Swaying slightly, he scans the room and stops when he finds the biggest, toughest-looking guy in the place. He stumbles over to the guy’s table, points at him and says in a loud v...

A woman had chronic headaches.

She had them since she was in her early teens, and had gone to the doctor, had x-rays, scans, medication, and nothing seemed to help. Finally, she went to a headache specialist, and he told her that her left breast was the cause. The only treatment was to remove the breast. The good news was that he...

A teen walks into a pharmacy

He walks up to the register and asks the cashier, “How much are condoms?”

The cashier smirks at the boy and replies, “$5”

The boy is visibly relieved and says, “okay! I’ll take them!”

The cashier scans the box and hands them to the boys and says, “That will be $5.40”

“Wh...

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Stop using naughty words or else!

In order to prevent the unacceptable proliferation of swear words in this sub, I have developed a virus, which should have infected all your computers by now. It scans the words you type in, and if it detects that a naughty word has been used, it will instantly cause your computer to crash.

H...

An old man goes into a restaurant...

An old man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit walks up to his table and asks if he is ready to order.

"What would you like, sir?”

He looks at the menu, scans her...

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Headaches.

A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."

The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"

"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was m...

A man falls over unable to breathe

The woman he's with scans around the area and spots a man with a gi and black belt on.
"Do you know anything about choking?"
The man responds that he does, due to teaching Jiujitsu.
The woman urgently yells, "help I think he's going to pass out!"
To which the JiuJitsu teacher replies, "T...

As a vintner was moving a cask of sparkling wine,

he rolled his foot and injured his ankle. The pain was severe, so he decided to visit his orthopedist. The doctor examined his foot and ankle, took x-rays, and ran MRI scans.

"Sir, I can't find anything wrong with you. You can move your foot and ankle normally, and there's nothing showing up ...

A man walks into a bar on a Wednesday afternoon...

The bar is empty and the bartender is busy in the back washing glasses, so the man calls out, "Hey bartender, could I get a beer please?"

The bartender pours him a beer from the tap and sets a bowl of nuts in front of him, then returns to the back to continue cleaning.

The Man is sitti...

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A guy is paying for his shopping at a grocery store...

The cashier scans his items;

- A cucumber
- A large packet of rice
- Two bottles of red wine
- Frozen pork chops
- Dog food

Cashier: “you’re single aren’t you?”

Customer: “yes... how did you know?!”

Cashier: “Because you’re fucking ugly”

The keynote speaker for the medical conference walked up to the stage. "Before I begin," he started, "is there anyone in the audience from Connecticut? "

A couple members of the audience raised their hands. "Ok, thank you. You may put your hands down; I needed to check the accuracy of my CT scans."

Bill brings home his girlfriend to meet his mother...

Bill's mom scans her up and down with a stern face..

M: "Give it up, you can find plenty better"

B: "BUT MOM, I LOVE HER...!"

M: "I was talking to her..."

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Principal walks into a history class

A principal walks in the school grounds to see how well the students do in their classes.

He walks into a history class and asks the teacher to stop the lesson, so he can ask a few questions.

"Tell me, kids... Do you know who killed Julius Caesar?". The classroom stays silent...
...

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A boy was sitting with his grandfather...

After a while of silence, the grandfather points out to the city and says, "do you see that road, grandson? I built that road with my own hands. But do they call me 'Peter the Road Layer'? No... "

He scans the city, and points again. "And that church, there. I built that church board by board...

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A woman at grocery store proceeds to the check out...

She greet the male cashier with a friendly smile and starts placing her groceries on the belt.

She places on the belt a single banana, a single serve tinned soup, and a microwave meal for one.

The cashier scans her items, turns to the lady and says “So, single are you?”

The ...

Technology

Google has a purchase recommendation feature.

It essentially looks over your shoulder when you are on the computer. It scans your emails, sees what you are doing on-line, what sites you frequent, who you talk too, what you talk about and what you spend your money on. Then it tells you what y...

A hiker walks into a bar

A hiker walks into a bar and the barkeeper greets him with "What are you drinking, sir?"

The hiker scans the range of whisky bottles on display and asks for a measure of an expensive Talisker. The barman pours the drink, which the hiker knocks back in one, and says, "That will be £9.50 please...

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Doctor breaking the news

A patient is at the doctors office, it is the end of his appointment and he is discussing the results with his doctor. The doctor says: “Why don’t you go downstairs to the vending machine and buy yourself a drink on me, this next bit of news might be tough to hear.” The doctor rummages around his po...

Three girls are vacationing in Romania when they come across a gypsy

The gypsy says, "I'll bet you 20 leu each that I can guess which country you're visiting from just by looking at you." The girls think there's no way this hack gypsy can tell where they're from just by looking, so they take the bet. The gypsy scans them for a few seconds and says, "you're all Americ...

I went to my doctor because I had severe chest pain that wasn't going away

I freaked out when he couldn't figure out what it was and ended up referring me to a cardiologist.

The cardiologist ran some labs and scans and told me to wait for the results in his office.

I was relieved when the doctor came back with the results with a huge smile on his face.
...

Who’s going the wrong way?

A man is listening to the radio in his car when the broadcast is interrupted: “Attention! Attention! A driver is heading down the highway in the wrong direction”

The man scans the road, clogged with oncoming traffic, and nutters to himself, “What do you mean *a* driver? I see hundreds of the...

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There was a cricketer who had a weird bulge growing under his two testicles.

There was a cricketer who had a weird bulge growing under his two testicles.

He thought it was just a bug bite but he doubted it. After about 25 days, the bulge became very big. So he went for a doctor's appointment.

The doctor did the scans necessary and found out that he was growing ...

A dinosaur goes to a supermarket

A dinosaur goes to the supermarket to do some grocery shopping. He gets to the register and the worker scans all his items. When all the scanning is done, and the dinosaur has to pay, the worker asks:

'So how are you paying today?'

The dinosaur replies:

'With tyrannosaurus check...

A guy is in the front row of a basketball game.....

He is enjoying the game when suddenly someone yells, ''Steve!'' He looks over his shoulder, looks around but cannot see anyone in the mass of 15,000 fans. He continues to enjoy the game. He again hears ''SteveO,'' Now he gets up and looks around but eventually sits back down. He is taking a drink...

Courtesy of an 8 year old: A man goes to the supermarket

A man goes to the supermarket and puts a miniature milk bottle into his cart. Next he grabs a miniature loaf of bread and one miniature apple. At check out the cute cashier takes his miniature groceries and scans them one by one. Between the *beeps* she takes a good look at him and finally asks.
...

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A young woman goes to the supermarket, picks all her groceries, [offensive to some]

goes to the register and gives all her wares to the guy in the counter who scans it all. It’s one bread, one toothbrush, one toothpaste, one pack of salami, one apple, one banana, one bottle of milk and one small cheese. The guy behind the counter goes: «Let me guess: You’re single?» The woman sarca...

Joke in real life

DISCLAIMER: THIS JOKE SUCKS BUT IT HAPPENED TO ME EARLIER TODAY

I'm currently in hospital being treated for a pulmonary embolism and the doctor ordered a echocardiogram for me.

When I was getting my heart looked at, it was the only place I've been in hospital playing music. Really coo...

A White Horse Walks Into A Bar (long)

The bartender asks "What'll it be?" - The horse says "I feel like a whiskey but I can't make up my mind as to which one." - The bartender scans the shelf full of whiskey bottles and sees a bottle of White Horse Whiskey. He says "I know! I've got a whiskey named after you!" - The horse looks surprise...

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