Me: I just got the results of my genetic testing, and I'm shocked.

Dad: Hi shocked, I'm dad.

Me: No, you're not.

What do you call a genetically engineered cow?

A Mootant

Why did the recessive gene decide to enter genetic therapy?

It wanted to learn how to express itself.

Where in the fridge do you store your genetic experiments?

In the CRISPR drawer.

Diarrhea is genetic...

It runs in your jeans

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know their genetically modifying prostitutes? NSFW

They're called GMHoes.

My wife went off on a guy on Twitter and said he was demonstrating his Neanderthal genetics

I recommended she should avoid *ad hominin* attacks

A seventy year old man goes to the doctor...

A seventy year old man is at the doctor’s office for a routine checkup. After the examination, the doctor tells the man that he is in great physical condition for his age, in fact amazing condition for a man even half his age. The doctor asks how he does it, and the patient tells him that it’s good ...

Dick is short for Richard

But that's probably just genetics

Guy at a grocery store: Are those genetically modified eggplants?

Store worker: Why do you ask?

Eggplant: Yeah, why do you ask?

OC joke: How to differentiate if a person is a genetics expert or a BDSM enthusiast?

Ask them the opposite of 'dominant'

GMOs are one thing, but I was worried my sandwich meat had a genetic disease...

You know, cause it was in bread.

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A guy with an extremely long dick went his doctor for a medical.

The doctor said, "That's possible the longest dick I've ever seen!"
The guy said, "My brother's is the same length."
The doctor asked, "is it genetics?"
And the guy say, "Not really, our mother only had one arm and had to get all us kids out of the bath the best way she could."

Why did the genetically modified chicken taste better than the regular one?

It was CRISPR!

Plant scientists have used genetic engineering to create a new variety of orange.

The novel navel.

Why was the first person to have their eyes genetically edited so pleased?

Well, who wouldn’t want CRISPR vision?

What award did Gregor Mendel receive for his work in the field of Genetics?

The Nobel Peas Prize.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big...

I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you...

I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon...

Bleeder

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked. "Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?" "Well," the doctor a...

How did Alice feel when her doctor told her she is genetically more likely to develop a yeast infection?

Thrush-traited

What happens when you leave a genetically modified baby in the womb too long?

They come out a little bit CRISPR!

There was a man in Sao Paulo who's intestines were shaped like a number 1 from a rare genetic mutation.

Doctors say the chances of this are 1 in a Brazilian!

What would you get if you genetically crossed a rabbit and an oyster?

Your funding taken away and a call from the ethics board.

A man goes to the doctor.

He tells the doctor he's been hearing strange buzzing noises all week. The sounds come and go at all times of day, but they have been most intense at night. Sometimes there are multiple distinct buzzes at a time, at different frequencies. The patient says he has hardly slept for the past week becaus...

Scientists find a man immune to Covid-19 because of a genetic mutation

They conclude that 1/2 of the population in Alabama are immune to Covid-19.

What do you call a genetic engineering company in Italy?

Genitalia.

What do you call an egg with a genetic mutation?

New Yoke State

I have a sister, and I love genetics.

So whenever she steps on my toe accidentally, I say “Ow, you stepped on mitosis!”

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If semen is just genetic information...

Then my hand must qualify as a CIA interrogator.

"Should I be concerned about eating genetically modified tomatoes?"

Tomato: "No"

What do you get when you cross a bat and a man?

A ban. Specifically, a lifetime ban from the genetics labs, as well as a visit from the ethics committee.

A week from today, I'm going to an event at a dog genetics testing facility.

It's called the Labor Day Labrador Laboratory.

My grandfather was told a joke about genetics

My dad didnt get it, but I did.

Lady goes to the market to buy potatoes.

Lady: excuse me, sir, but are these potatoes genetically modified?

Grocer: probably, but what's it to you?

Potato: yeah, what's it to you?

Dave: Excuse me, sir, is this carrot genetically modified?

Clerk: No, why do you ask?

Carrot: No, really, why do you ask?

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Executives at Monsanto have announced an initiative to genetically alter deer for increased movement speed.

Those assholes will do anything to make a quick buck

If you’re genetically predisposed to spelling and grammar errors, does that mean you’re…

…typo positive?

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with ...

Scared of eating genetically modified fruit?

Grow a pear.

Score one for genetics

Good golf story: Dad hits one into a gully. He sees the ball about ten feet down. He goes to get his ball retrieval tool. I already have mine out and am sliding the extensions out. He puts his back in the bag and says, "yours is longer than mine."
Me: "Mom's side of the family."

Being genetically engineered, evaluated, selected, and trained from birth to be a super-soldier...

before being deployed to a fight a technologically inferior foe in a far-off country to secure economic gains for your overseers, then being either left to die or executed for convenience, is either the plot of a dark and kickass dystopian fiction novel, or a technically accurate description of the ...

Did you know lactose intolerance is a genetic thing?

Runs in the family.

Say what you will about genetically modified animals

At least were should get CRISPR bacon!

You’re more genetically related to your parents than they are to each other

Or at least so I hope.

Why did the knife have a genetic disease?

It was in bread.

They say mental illness is genetic

I know my kids make me crazy

I would have gotten As in all my classes last semester if it weren't for Genetics

Why do I have to have such idiots for parents

What kind of drug can you genetically engineer a goat to make?

Am-feta-mines.

Paleontologists have determined that there once was a genetic mutation millions of years ago that resulted in the creation of a five-legged dinosaur.

As far as we know, this is the first evidence ever seen of a reptile dysfunction.

Many people tried to stop my genetic engineering projects, but I wasn't discouraged.

Soon, I'll have them eating out of the hand of my palm.

A very curious customer asked a local tomato farmer if their tomatoes are genetically modified.

"No." Said the farmer "No." Said the tomato

Why are all the good Genetic Scientists from NZ?

They've been mixing human and sheep DNA for centuries

A genetic botanist doesn't show up to the church picnic.

Her concerned husband finds her in her lab working feverishly on a new pesticide resistant strain of maize.

"Aren't you coming to the congregation picnic?". He asks.

"Screw them and their impossible deadlines! They told me I have until today to get the corn bred!"

What Sound Does a Genetically Modified Cow Make?

"Gmoo"

What do you get when you cryogenically freeze a genetic copy of basketball legend Kareem Abdul Jabbar?

An ice Kareem clone

I don't always feel like I won the genetic lottery, but when I do...

I'm at Wal-mart.

I had a genetic test done...

I learned brave men run in my family

What did the genetic engineer say on December 25th?

Merry CRISPRmas!

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There was once a psych researcher with a rare genetic defect that gave her four buttocks.

She was fired for being bi-assed.

A mother and a son walk into a doctor's office

Because the son has been doing very poorly in his classes.

The mother says to the doctor "I think my son has become stupid."

The doctor says in reply "How do you suppose that would happen?"

"I'm sure it had something to do with those vaccines he got last year." said the mom....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mother taught me...

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm go...

If you genetically edit the DNA of lettuce...

... you can make it CRISPR

Not mine... I read it off Twitter

So my genetics professor reported this morning that diarrhea has a genetic basis

According to her, it runs in our jeans.

Where do you keep genetically modified vegetables that cure cancer?

In the CRISPR drawer.

Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus

They say its bark is worse than its bite.

So, a middle school science class is learning about genetics

and the students are working with recessive and dominant eye colors in punnett squares. A few minutes into the activity one student beckons the teacher over. He has a very concerned look on his face.

The teacher is a little worried. This has happened before. Every once in a while a stud...

An objective analysis of the correlation between genetics and obesity.

A doctor is telling an obese woman that she needs to start losing weight.

The woman, offended, replies defensively, "It's not my fault! Obesity runs in my family!"

The doctor looks her up and down, and finally says, "*Nobody* runs in your family."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family is driving through the prairies their car when they look over and see a chicken in a field running along beside them.

They are stunned, can’t believe this chicken is keeping pace with 50 km/h! So they speed up to 60.

The chicken speeds up and is again keeping pace with their mini van. The kids are amazed and the parents are confused. So they speed up to 80.

Again the chicken keeps up! They are in disb...

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A British explorer sets out for an expedition into Africa...

This is a time when Europeans know very, very little about the "cannibalistic African savages," and the African tribesmen know even less about the ways of the white man. So, our explorer comes to Africa, hoping to disperse the clouds of mist, and after having to resort to employing firearms a few ti...

How do genetically engineered car salesmen from Boston greet their customers?

Hey, gattaca? GATTACA?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You're welcome!

Once upon a time, there was a particularly intelligent sperm cell living inside a particularly large blue whale. From the time it was created, the sperm cell studied diligently and learned a great many things. It read the full text of Wikipedia. It learned languages, history, science. It learned the...

My older son looks exactly like me

\- That's an example of genetic factor.

My younger son looks like my neighbor.

\- That's an example of social influence.

A guy walks in a supermarket to buy tomatoes

Once he reaches to the tomato stand he asks:

Guy: Are this tomatoes genetically modified?

Tomato: No.

My friends job involves cloning the DNA of trains.

But I just call him a genetic engineer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a guy cums all over a girls face?

Genetic makeup

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

WW2: an Italian officer, an imperial Japanese officer and a German officer got captured

They all sit in a cell and wait to be interrogated by the Allies.
The German says: "My superior genetics will let me withstand every torture! I won't tell them anything!"
The Japanese says: "I will never dishonor my country and tell them our secrets!"
The Italian says: "I guess I'm fucked."...

Old man goes to a doctor...

Old man, well into his eighties, goes to a doctor for a regular checkup.

The doctor examines him, makes several tests, looks at him and he can't believe what he sees. He says:

"Old man, this can't be true! You're old, but you're healthy as a teenager. No hypertension, no elevated sugar...

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