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Dc Jokes

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC.

One is from New York , another is from Tennessee and the third is from Florida.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job ...

The trump family is flying from New York to DC

Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window an...

My friend didn’t believe me that Slash was in AC/DC

C’mon he is right there in the middle

There's a major traffic jam all through DC

All through Washington DC all traffic comes to a full stop...after many minutes people start getting out of their cars and talking. Before too long a guy starts walking car to car collecting donations, so I flag the guy down and ask him what the heck is going on! He explains there's been a major te...

DC has announced an Arab superhero will be featured in their new film.

The world can look forward to seeing O-man.

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

How do you destroy the DC universe?

You get a hired Gunn

The US should make DC, Guam, and PR states.

53 is a prime number.

Then we would truly be 1 nation, indivisible.

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Two guys are talking about dc vs marvel

P1: Dude i cant watch dc movies they're too dark.

P2: Well to be fair so is marvel. Thanos killed half the universe.

P1: No like they're literally too dark I cant fucking see anything

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can you believe what happened in DC?

Never seen so much press for a micropenis convention, at least none I’ve been to.

How do you know when it’s really cold in Washington DC?

Politicians put their hands in their own pockets.

Why are there no vegan DC heroes?

Because they are afraid of rotten tomatoes.

Cindy and Lucy were to high-powered DC lawyers.

They had been childhood friends, gone to the same law school, and gone into partnership together. Through their hard work, they became well known in the DC area and bumped elbows with politicians.

One summer, they decided to hold a fourth of july party and invite all the members of congress....

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He’s explaining Facebook to old people.

Trump Finally Gets His Parade

One of Trump's aide says to him, "Sir, I had a dream you got your parade. It was miles and miles long winding through Washington DC. Joyful Americans lined the route, literally in the millions. People were laughing, cheering, playing in the street. You were riding in the most beautiful carriage."...

A world famous statistician was stopped by TSA at the airport

on his way to catch a flight to Washington DC. When they opened up his bag they found a bomb in it. Subsequently he was handcuffed and taken to the station for questioning. When asked about it he said, “I always carry a bomb with me for every fight!” The investigator questioned this, saying “Why wou...

Washington DC should name their football team the Lobbyists.

They never lose.

Jan 22. 2021, Washington DC A guy goes up to a guard at the White House and says "How do I get in to see President Trump?"

The guard says "Didn't you hear? Trump isn't president any more. Biden is president." The guy walks away.

Next day, same guy goes up to the same guard and asks again:

"How do I get in to see President Trump?" And the guard says "Sir, I told you yesterday, Trump isn't president any ...

Why don't boomers like to use AC or DC?

They hate anything that is current

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Its legal to screw an animal in Washington, DC....

Because that's where all the pigs get together and fuck us

At an AC/DC concert...

Brian Johnson: You guys ready to rock?
Crowd: YESSSSSS
Brian Johnson: I can't hear you!

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No one needs to spoil DC movies

Them bitches come out spoiled.

I support statehood for DC

But also Marvel and Dark Horse.

Say what you want about AC/DC...

But in my mind they will always be current

DC hasn't capitalize on Static popular

Which is just really SHOCKING.

As Trump flies in his helicopter over DC

As Trump flies in his helicopter over DC, he says to Melania:

Look, there are a million Trump fans gathered in the streets to wave to me.

She says: No, Donald. There are five million. But they are only waving with one finger each.

I hear the Redskins are out in Washington, DC

If it's all the same, could we get the orangeskin out too?

It was already foretold by AC/DC

Huawei to Hell.

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Medical experts in Washington DC today were asked if it is time to ease the COVID lockdowns.

Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve. Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while optome...

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I need to know if eviction restrictions for COVID are ongoing in DC?

My tenant of 4 years has refused to acknowledge his first notice. Since last Wednesday he has been hiding in the basement. The only time he left was to play golf, so I know he has some funds. Please let me know what my options are. If I even have any?

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks,
"What's going on?"


"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fir...

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Why wasn't Jesus born in Washington DC?

They couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin

Why are AC/DC always so hungry?

Cause it’s a long way to the shop if you want a sausage roll

A Russian diplomat was visiting Washington DC...

While there, he was invited to a large dinner celebration being held by members of the US government. As he entered the dining hall, he was taken aback by the decor. It was very impressive. Everyone was served fillet mignon. The plates forks and knives were real silver. A small band was playing clas...

The Pope goes to Washington DC.

He's there to cure the sick, heal the masses, and all those Pope type things he does.

Donald Trump comes up to him and says, "Please Your Holiness, can you help me with my hearing?"

The Pope then placed his hands over Trump's ears and blessed him.

"Well that's all well and go...

Was playing air drums to AC/DC the other day when I dropped my stick...

...had to switch to Def Leopard

Imagine Dragons is doing a concert in Washington DC

They start singing Believer... "First things first I'ma say all the words inside my head"

"Challenge accepted" Donald Trump replies

The 50 states and DC each send their fastest runner to compete in a marathon...

The route they are running takes them around Washington DC, and the finish line is the front door of the White House.

At the sound of the starting pistol, all fifty-one runners take off. It's an exciting race.

Meanwhile, at the White House, the President waits in the Oval Office for t...

A tour guide is showing people around Washington, DC, when they reach the Potomac River.

"On this spot, right here," says the guide, "Abraham Lincoln threw a ten-dollar bill all the way across the river in 1863."

"That's impossible," says a tourist. "No one could throw a piece of paper that far."

"Well," says the guide, "it must be understood that money went a lot farther ...

The date I took to the AC/DC concert had buck teeth, giving her a cute beaver smile

She was the best dam woman I had even seen

Trump is at an elementary school assembly and asks,...

"Does anyone know what a tragedy is?"

A kindergartener raises her hand and the president chooses her to answer, "A car crash."

"No, not quite." Responds Trump, "that would be an 'accident' ".

He then chooses a 4th grade boy. "If a school bus went off a cliff and all the kids die...

There is a large traffic jam in Washington DC

A man gets caught in a huge traffic jam in DC. While sitting motionless on the road a man approaches him on foot. The man rolls down his window and asks what’s going on.

“The whole capitol is in chaos, armed men have stormed the Capitol Building and are holding congress hostage, they say they...

Gee I sure hope the rioters in DC don’t do anything to the IRS building

at 1111 Constitution Ave. NW, Washington, DC 20224.

What have Britain and Warner Brothers/DC got in common?

Neither of them know how to handle an EU.

A guy was screaming "The President is Stupid" on the middle of a street in Washington DC

A policeman came up to him and slapped him once.
Man : "I was talking about the President of Ireland."
*The policeman slapped the man again.*
Man: Why did you slap me?
Policeman : "As if we don't know which President is stupid"

What’s the difference between Hollywood and Washington DC?

Molesting kids in Washington doesn’t cost you your career.

I heard this joke at a new museum opening in DC, told by a five year old:

Knock knock

Who's there?

Donut

Donut who?

Donut ask me, it's a secret.

That kid has a bright future of dad jokes ahead of him

When you go to Washington DC, you can’t just see one monument

You have to see the Mall.

I want to write a rock opera about Rosa Parks; to be performed by AC/DC.

It'll be called Black in Back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tim Apple walks into a Washington DC bar and drinks couple of beers and prepares to leave

The bartender, a certain gentleman called Dump Trump tells him he owes $8.

"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says Tim.

"OK," says Trump, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

Tim goes outside and sees Bill Pornhub & tells him that the bartender can't kee...

Officials have found a brain-eating Amoba in the water supply of Washington DC. Officials are worried

After all, there's a good chance the Amobas will starve to death

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A man walks into a seedy dive bar in Washington DC.

After letting his eyes adjust to the dimness of the bar, he notices President Trump and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan talking quietly at a corner table.

He orders a beer then walks up to the two and says, "Mr. President, Mr. Ryan, I am a huge fan of yours! What are you guys doing in a sh...

I hope DC residents have good flood insurance

Because that swamp turned into a damn lake real fast.

I'm thinking about starting up a neurodivergent, mermaid-themed parody band of AC/DC. It's gonna be called

OCD Sea

Keeping up with DC is like keeping up with my alcoholic father

You hope it's going to get better, but it keeps beating you down

Why did Aquaman join the DC universe instead of Marvel?

Because he was hydra-phobic.

In the House of Commons, the new speaker made an announcement

The old speaker will pack his bags and go become the speaker in Washington DC as part of an exchange program given that it would improve the average IQ of both legislatures' speakers.

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits of their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

Obama: I don'...

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the ...

I may say I hate AC/DC but secretly they're my favourite band.

I've been tsunderstruck.

DC Comics to end production of Wonder Woman after DEA claims

They stated the movie would have attracted to many people to a strong form of Heroine.

I asked a friend in DC what it was like after the 2016 presidential election

He said it was like a man on the Titanic with a glass of whiskey, saying "well yes, I did ask for ice, but . . ."

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Nazis and Juggalos marching in DC on the same day reminds me of the Hunger Games...

With that said, may the odds be ever in your Faygo!

What is a pirate's favorite comic book company?

You may've thought it was Marrrrrvel, but his first love is always DC.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little...

People often rank a person's attractiveness out of ten, but what is considered a ten in some states would be considered differently elsewhere.

For example an NY10 is typically tall and athletic but a DC10 is very plane.

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A Washington, DC flea goes to book a vacation with his travel agent

because he's been cooped up in a K Street lobbyist's crotch for the past 8 months and he feels overworked. So his travel agent says,

"You won't believe the package I've got for you! Fifteen days in Obama's hair—can you believe it? He's going to be at Camp David the whole time, it should be...

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A Catholic, a Protestant, and a Jew are walking through Washington DC when they see a poster advertising an epic insult smackdown between all the living former US presidents.

"This looks like such a cool event!" says the Catholic. "I think Carter will win."

"I think the winner will be Clinton," says the Protestant, "with Obama at a close second."

"I'm...uh...not interested," says the Jew.

The other two are shocked. "Why not?" asks the Catholic.
...

I bought the love of my life some fish from Washington, but she dumped me immediately afterwards.

Oh well, there's plenty more fish in DC.

After stating that AC/DC was the best 80's band, my dad got mad and said, "What do you know about the 80's? I bet you don't even know who Whitesnake is!"

I just rolled my eyes and said "ugh, Here I go again!"


Happy father's day!

Me and my friends from the obsessive compulsive support group are starting a rock cover band.

We’re calling ourselves OC/DC.

Alliance Motors are saying that the latest Range Rover is a Marvel.

DC must be jealous.

A Soviet and an American are talking

The American says, "I am able to March into DC, march into the oval office, and say. Mr Reagan, I don't like how you're running this country." The Russian scoffs and says, "I can do the same, I can march into Moscow, go to the Kremlin, go to the general secretary's office and say. Mr Gorbachev, I do...

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Pigeon problem

Visited a friend on the eighth floor of her old government office building in Washington. There were hundreds of pigeons sitting on the ledge along the building outside the windows, making noise and pooping, two inches deep in some places. They were really annoying. I asked her if they'd tried getti...

Which is an electrician favorite band ?

AC/DC

Train

Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC. A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought each one a bag. The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth ju...

Did you hear about the woman who got shot at the protest at the Capitol building?

She flew to DC in Delta and came back in Spirit.

A Jewish joke updated for modern times

Pastor Jackson and his secretary were sitting in a coffeehouse in Washington DC in 2022. "Pastor Jackson," said his secretary, "I notice you're reading Fox News! I can't understand why. A Black libel website! Are you some kind of masochist, or, God forbid, a self-hating Black person?"

"On the...

EVICTED FAMILY NEEDS HELP MOVING! MUST BE OUT BY JANUARY 20th!

Please send any unneeded moving supplies to:

1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW

Washington, DC 20500

What do you call Nikola Tesla and Thomas Edison's band?

AC/DC

New Heist in GTA 5

Brought to you by Washington DC

Breaking News: The Washington Redskins have changed their name.

They will now be called the DC Redskins.

Marvel have a Muslim superhero?

I thought suicide squad was a DC thing.

Library of Congress bomber…

Yesterday’s attempted bomber said there are 4 more bombs planted in DC. After botching bombing Congress by showing up at the Library of Congress, the FBI has ordered the immediate evacuation of :

-the Richmond Mall’s Supreme Food Court

-The Hexagon Building on Connecticut Ave

-...

I asked an EV driver what music he liked

He said AC/DC

I've just joined a rock band that play the same songs in the same order at every gig.

We're OC/DC

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kentuckians

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that ...

House Speaker: I now invite Bill de Blasio, the president of the United States to give his address to the nation.

Bill de Blasio : 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington DC. Thank you!!

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