UPJOKE
supermancatwomanbatgirlriddlerjokersuperherogotham citytalia al ghulrobinjustice leaguebanebatgothambatmobilecamp

COVID is bringing everyone a little closer to being Batman

Either you are wearing a mask or your parents are dead.

Joker to Batman: "Hey Batman, wanna hear a joke?"

"Yeah sure."

Joker: "Ok, parental love".

Batman: "I don't get it.."

"exactly."

Robin said to Batman...

"Batman, why do you wear dark colors?"

"Easy Robin, it makes me less likely to be shot"

"Then why do I wear bright colors?"

"It also makes me less likely to be shot."

Batman: *buys catwoman a drink*

Catwoman: *slowly knocks it off of the table*

Why is Batman an Anti-Vaxxer?

His parents took shots and died.

My 10 year old Son just came up with this one and I couldn't be more proud: What's Batman's favourite fruit?

A Banananananananananananananananana

EDIT: Thank you everyone for the awards and kind words! Just to clarify:

* Yes, he does know the 60's batman theme. My partner loves campy batman so it was inevitable. [The Simpsons](https://youtu.be/TQepz5rsS6E?t=88) also made sure of that.
* Gi...

What do Putin, Batman and Will Smith have in common?

They all attacked a comedian

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son told me that he wanted to be Batman when he grows up.

The little shit wants me to be gunned down in an alley.

What is it called when Batman gets an erection?

The Dark Knight Rises

Why did Batman break up with Catwoman?

He didn’t like getting hair balls.

I've just spotted the new Batman shampoo for sale.

Although I feel they're missing a real opportunity by not producing a conditioner Gordon.

Batman wlked into a bar...

he got kicked out cause his mask didn't cover his mouth

Why is Batman great in bed?

Since he’s not a superhero, he uses gadgets

Robin turned and shouted, "The Batmobile won’t start!" Batman growled, "Check the battery!" Puzzled, Robin wondered...

"What’s a tery?"

What do you call a blind batman?

Christian Braille

Batman says to Alfred, “I’m really tired Alfred, it's been an exhausting day, please can you just get the bathtub ready for me?"

Alfred replies, "Master Wayne, what is a htub?"

12 atoms of sodium walk into a bar.

Followed by Batman.

Why does Batman's Calender only have 363 days?

Because there is no Mother's or Father's day.

What did Batman’s friends say when he ditched them

Christian Bailed

What do you call it when Batman gets hurt?

Bruised Wayne

Joker asks Batman whats the worst part of going to the opera?

When your parents die at the end

Why is Batman a bad bartender?

He serves justICE!!

One time I went to Blockbusters and asked if I could rent Batman Forever...

The man at the counter said, “NO! You can only rent it for the week”!

I am half Spiderman, half batman and half moon knight...

\- Poor
\- With no powers
\- With mental disorders

I went to video shop the other day and said can I borrow batman forever?

He said no. You’ll have to bring it back on Tuesday.

Batman & Robin

Batman & Robin have had a bad day fighting crime.

Batman says to Robin ‘Go relax, have a bath’.

Robin says ‘What’s a h?’

What's Batman's favorite fruit???

A Bana-na-na-na-na

A man enters a Blockbuster and asks “I want to rent Batman Forever”

The clerk replies: “I’m sorry but you must return it tomorrow”

The end of world was coming and all the heroes were assembling together to form an alliance and protect their world. They all saw Batman hadn't joined. So, Superman went to meet him...

Superman: Why aren't you joining our alliance and protecting our world? It's your responsibility as a hero.

Batman: With no powers, comes no responsiblity

A director wanted to make a movie about Batman, but sadly D.C. wouldn't allow him to film it.

He decided he would just make the movie anyway, but instead of using the character's real names he would take away the last letter of their names.

Batman became Batma and he fought crime with his trusty partners Alfre and Robi. The film then showed the dynamic duo and their butler fighting cr...

Batman says “If you kill a killer the number of killers stays the same”

Who the hell said I was innocent?

Our kid is always saying, “I want to be Batman!” or “I wanna be Spider-Man!”

So we dropped him off at the orphanage.

There was a murder in Gotham last night. Police Commissioner Gordon told Batman some elaborate conspiracy theories,

But it's more likely that the Joker did it.

That's Arkham's Razor.

What happened to Batman and Robin when a herd of elephants trampled over them ?

They became Flatman and Ribbon...

What's the difference between Batman and Donald Trump's tax?

People saw Batman Returns.

Why can't Two-Face beat Batman?

Because he's two Dents.

What did Batman say when he had to pee?

"To the batroom!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bored Superman

One day Superman is flying around looking for crime. Lex Luther is locked up along with all the other villains so not much is going on. Superman sees Batman crouched next to a gargoyle on a building so stops by to see what's up. "Hey Batman what's good wanna do something?" Batman answers gruffly, "I...

My Boyfriend said I’m starting to annoy him because I relate everything to Batman….

What a joker!!!

Batman bought a French restaurant

"The Creped Crusader"

If a Ghost Rider should be called Daredevil, and Daredevil should be called Batman, what should Batman be called?

Inspector Gadget

why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?

Because batman swore to protect goth ham

You can get Batman shampoo at walmart

But not conditioner Gordon :(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did The Penguin say when he walked in on Batman masturbating?

“Wank! Wank! Wank! Wank! Wank! Wank! Wank!”

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film. Our dates can be summarized as followed:

Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN

What are Batman's insurance policies called as?

Dark Knight Returns

The Reason Batman Does Not Cover His Whole Face is

Because He Needs The Police to Know That He Is White.

I heard Batman recently became an atheist.

Christian Bail.

Went to Blockbuster and asked if I could rent Batman Forever.

The best they could do was 3 days.

Batman goes to a party

To his surprise, he sees that the Joker is there too.

"He must be up to something," he thinks.

And so he sneaks up behind him, knocks him out, and puts him in a back room.

When walks out, he sees the Joker again.

"How did he recover so quickly?"

Once again he kno...

Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"

Your Parents when you move out ;)

What do you call a bunch of kids all dressed up as batman?

Halloween at the orphanage.

Why doesn’t Batman have super vision?

Cause his Parents died

What did Hollywood say when they made another Batman movie?

Done another-nother-nother-done-another-nother-nother...Batman!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It has actually been confirmed in a recent Batman comic that Robin's dick has no color at all.

Dick gray, son!

If Batman and Superman had a baby, what would it be?

Adopted

What kind of car does the Russian Batman drive?

A Blyatmobile!

After many years of fighting crime as batman

Bruce Wayne finally got married and had a son. His son turned out to be brilliant at investing, especially in bitcoin, making Wayne Enterprises one of the biggest companies on the planet.

All this time, Bruce had been training him, and when the time was right, Bruce introduced his son to the ...

'Wanna hear my Batman impression?"

‘Sure.’

‘Oh no! Kryptonite!’

‘That’s Superman.’

‘Thanks man. I’ve been practicing.’

If batman didn't fight crime, he would have opened a vineyard...

... Because he brews wine.

(Sorry)

Batman and Robin get ready for patrol

Batman: You ready Robin?

Robin: I'm not sure about this costume Batman. It's so bright and red. And why do I have to wear a silly yellow cape?

Batman: Well, we're superheroes Robin. We got to dress the part.

Robin: I'm still not sure about this Batman. I mean, you aren't dressed...

Batman walks into a room which alfred is ìn, late at night.

"Alfred could you fill up the bathtub please" batman said after entering the room.
Alfred replied with, "what's a htub sir?"

What do Batman and Alf have in common?

They both eat cats.

Batman gets a call from Robin, who was having trouble with the car

"Batman, I can't get the Batmobile to start! I turn the Batkey, press the Batpedal, but nothing!"

Batman thinks a moment before asking "Did you check the battery?"

There are a few seconds of silence before Robin asks "What's a tery?"

They've announced who will be playing the lead in the new Blind Batman film.

It's Christian Braille

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun is walking down the street at night ...

And sees a drunk man staggering her way. She silently asks "please God, protect this poor soul". The drunk staggers closer, then out of nowhere punches the nun square in the nose! She drops, then slowly gets up and says "please God, forgive this man, it's the alcohol demon over him". She gets to he...

Why did the blonde make her password "BatmanRobinBatgirlJokerHarelyIvyOslo"?

Because the rules said it needed to contain at least 6 characters and include at least 1 capital!

Batman : You idiot Robin. You don't have to pee in the hall. There is a bathroom you stupid.

Robin : Sorry. What is a hroom.?

Batman does not like stealing or cheating….

I’m pretty certain he also doesn’t like Robin

When he's in the bathtub, Batman uses Bat-shower gel to clean his body, Bat-pumice on his feet and Bat-shampoo to wash his hair.

But to keep his hair smooth and silky he uses Conditioner Gordon

Why did the Penguin open his umbrella at Batman’s family reunion?

Because it was a Wayne-y day.

Batman invited all the superheros to an evening discussing bitcoin investments

Superman didn't go because it was a crypto-night.

In which South African city was Batman originally from?

Capetown

What is Batman’s least favorite food?

A: Chinese takeout

Batman party

Teenaged son: dad I want to have a Batman party with my friends

Dad: aren’t you a bit old for a theme party ?

Teenaged son: no. The theme is, No Parents.

Why does Batman not kill his villains?

Because he’s not a cop

I always wanted to be Batman when I grew up

Not for the gadgets or the money. I just hate my parents.

Batman Impression

Two men in a bar. One says "Hey, I can do an awesome Batman impression."

"Go on then" the second one says.

"OK, here we go..." the first one responds, "Oh no! Not the KRYPTONITE!"

The second one shouts "That's SUPERMAN"

"Oh thanks man, I've been practicing for a while."

What’s the reason batman has a gap in his mask

So that cops know he's white

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