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Dangerfield Jokes

Rodney Dangerfield's classic one liner: When I was little my dad gave me a bat

The first time I played with it, it flew away.

-Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield joke

I have a new girlfriend. Thankfully, she loves me for my money and my fame. Not for who I am.
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Rodney Dangerfield joke

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike.

She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rodney Dangerfield gem

I had group sex the other day and didn’t know who to thank

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My Wife Likes to Talk After Sex

But I wish she’d stop calling from hotel rooms.

-Rodney Dangerfield

My doctor he dont help either, he told me to run 5 Miles a Day for two weeks

I called him up I said "Doc im 70 miles from my house"


-Rodney Dangerfield
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Dangerfield on Carson: : "One night my wife went out and her car was stolen"

"I asked her 'did you see what he looked like?' She said, 'no but I got the license plate number.'"
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No Respect

"A girl phoned me up the other day and said, 'Come on over, no one is home.'

I went over there.

And nobody was home!"

Rodney Dangerfield

What are some of your favourites from Mr. No Respect?
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Rodney Dangerfield: "Y'know, my wife and I, we never have sex...

... we get undressed, we can't stop laughing."

Going into open heart surgery

I asked the doctor how long am I going to be in the hospital??

He said, if all goes well, about a week... if it doesn't, about 30 minutes..

[credit: Rodney Dangerfield]
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife told me she wants to have sex in the back of the car...

She asked me if I could drive :-(


Credit to Legend Rodney Dangerfield

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My wife said she wanted to have sex in the backseat of the car

and she wanted me to drive

-The late Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004)

I'm getting old!

I just had my 54th birthday and I couldn't even blow out my candles.......the heat drove me back!



(this is an old Rodney Dangerfield joke)
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy so I told him I want a second opinion.

He said, “Okay, you’re ugly too.”

-Rodney Dangerfield
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I went into a bar and said to the bartender, “Surprise me...”

So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

~Rodney Dangerfield
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I think my wife is cheating on me with my best friend...

...he’s been pretty miserable lately.”


-Rodney Dangerfield
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Group sex? Yeah, I've tried group sex.

My wife screwed me in front of a jury.

R. Dangerfield

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I called my wife from work and said "Honey, I've been thinking about our sex life and I'm getting excited!"

She said "Who IS this?!"

(Rodney Dangerfield)

A couple came up to Rodney Dangerfield for an autograph. Trying to make small talk, they said "Whaddya think? We just got married!"

Rodney: "You both could've done better!"
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My parents moved a lot when I was a kid

But I always found them. - Rodney Dangerfield
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A man went to see a doctor and told the doctor, "Every morning when I see myself in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"

"I don't know," said the doctor, "but your eyesight is perfect!"

(Credit: Rodney Dangerfield)
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I Don’t Get No Respect

I went into a bar and asked for a double. The bartender went into the back and came out with a guy who looked like me.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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You could tell my parents hated me...

My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. (RIP Rodney Dangerfield)
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Some of the responses I get on Reddit make me feel like Rodney Dangerfield...

Dead.
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The only problem with having an orgy is,

you don’t know who to thank afterwards..

- The late great Rodney Dangerfield..
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bad day today

I put on my shirt, a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom!!

Credit Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my wife if shed like me to be in the room with her when she delivered our child

She said "Why? It's not like you were in the room when she was concieved.

RIP Rodney Dangerfield
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I know my wife cheats on me, when I come home our parrot says: “quick!, out the window!”

Rodney Dangerfield
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Was in a chinese restaurant....

opened the fortune cookie.

Inside was the guy's check next to me.

I said, "Hey buddy, I got your check."

He said thanks.

(Classic from Rodney Dangerfield)
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My mother never breast fed me...

she told me she only liked me as a friend. ~ Rodney Dangerfield
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"I'm so ugly, I only get girls because of who I am"

" A rapist"



- Rodney Dangerfield

Is there someone else?

I was making love with my wife, and she had a faraway look in her eyes.
I said, ‘Darling, is there someone else?’ and she said, ‘There must be.’ 

-- Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was little I got lost at the fair. I got a policeman to help me look for my parents.

I asked him if we would find my parents. He said I don't know kid.... there's so many places they could hide.

Credit goes to Rodney Dangerfield.
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What a kid I got

I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

'creds: Rodney Dangerfield'
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I come from a small town.

I come from a town where the population never changes. Everytime a kid is born, some guy leaves town.

Old Rodney Dangerfield...
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This is how good my dog is, LOL.

I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don’t chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.
—Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife met me at the front door wearing sexy lingerie

The only trouble was, she was coming home.
- joke stole from the great Rodney Dangerfield

Thanks, Rodney

(Assume the Dangerfield voice) "My wife and me don't get along too good, y'know? She said she was gonna cut me down to once a month. Once a month!

"Yeah, I guess it's not so bad. I know two guys she cut off completely!"
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