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Dickens Jokes

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Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini.

The bartender says, "Olive or twist?"

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TIL that Charles Dickens first published A Tale of Two Cities in two English local newspapers:

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It was the Bicester Times. It was the Worcester Times.

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In honor of Charles Dickens...

I am also going to be poor this Christmas

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"I went to the annual Dickens Fair, and now my wife wants a divorce."

A man trudges into a bar and slumps down on a stool.

"Hey, buddy," the bartender says, "you look pretty down. What's eating you?"

The man sighs and shrugs. "I went to the annual Dickens Fair, and now my wife wants a divorce."

"Isn't that just a bunch of Victorian costumes, usele...

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What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?

The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

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An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas.

Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week." The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't k...

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"Hello. I'd like a book by Dickens, please."



"Which one?"



"Charles."

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If Charles Dickens wrote The Lord of the Rings, how would the novel have started?

It was the best of Shires. It was the Worcestershires.

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Charles Dickens had lots of melodious metal bars outside the front of his house. Some of them were expensive, others dirt cheap.



It was the best of chimes, it was the worst of chimes.

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I was reading the book "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens.

It wasn't as good as I hoped it would be.

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Charles Dickens was at his publisher's office.

CD: "I'm going to be honest with you, Howard. It's almost complete and I have most of the elements of the story figured out. Great characters, a terrific setting, some good conflict and a theme. But something's missing, and I can't figure out what it is"

Howard: "The plot, Dickens?"

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The estate of Charles Dickens is too make alcoholic beverages from the apples on their land

The slogan is "All the girls love a Dickens Cider"

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Everyone knows Charles Dickens as a famous author of great classics. Lesser known is his short-lived Apple Cider business. He had to close it after complaints of unexpected pregnancies.

It may seem strange, but what do you expect when you have Dickens Cider?

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A new drink has become the latest craze.

Bars are now serving the Dickens Cider, a popular drink among many women.
It started gaining popularity when someone decided to serve it warm, greatly improving its taste, with posts all over social media about how good it is, one video in particular having a lady drink 2 whole pints in one go!...

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Charles Dickens had writer's block…

He had a contract due for a new novel, but he hadn't even thought of a title yet. He went into the local pub and asked the barman for a Martini.

"Olive, or twist?"

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On Christmas I was just minding my own business when I was visited by a few ghosts.

The plot Dickens.

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Last night I was reading "A Christmas Carol" to my kids when I dropped the book on my foot.

It hurt like the Dickens!

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A copy of 'Oliver Twist' fell off the shelf and hit me on the head.

It hurts like the Dickens!


< source: LOL Cats>

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Albert the village postman is retiring after 50 years on the job

So he puts on his satchel and collects his last mailbag from the post office, and sets out on his last round.

He drops off a few letters at the local library. The librarian smiles and presents him with a leather bound volume of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens: "Here you are, Albert. We...

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A range of alcoholic drinks is being produced named after famous authors

.... Dickens Cider is proving very popular

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A man that couldn't speak properly goes to run some errands [long]

His first stop, the bakery. The man fronts up to the counter, and asks the owner, "may I have a bum, please."
Perplexed, the owner asks, "a bum, sir? Sorry, we don't sell those, but we do have buns."
"Yes, that is what I meant, sorry."

After completing his first transaction, the man wal...

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Seagull poop (longish)

{From my childhood - no idea who to credit}



A man is sitting at the bar alone when suddenly, in walks a pirate.

The whole place goes quiet as the pirate walks to the counter.

He orders a drink and noticed the man is staring at him, eyes wide.

The pirate says, "Wha...

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