It takes a hundred nails to build a crib

but only one screw to fill it.

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other,

"Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby. "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your...

A baby was upset because a lizard that spoke of theoretical physics wouldn't climb the crib.

The mother began to comfort the baby.

"Mama's gonna buy you a Hawking bird."

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The baby without ears.

Little Johnny’s neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the ba...

What does Ronald McDonald call his house?

The McCrib

One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib.

Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms
...

I think my 6 month old is trying to learn to sneeze.

He just lays in his crib for hours going, "AHHHH AHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH". He hasn't quite figured the "CHOO" part out yet. He's such a cutie.

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Little Johnny

Little Johnny’s next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny’s family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny’s parents were very afraid their son would have a wise c...

What is 18 inches long, black and blue, stiff as a board, and makes women scream?

crib death

Telemarketer

A telemarketer calls a house, and a little boy answers the phone.

"Hello, little boy, is your father home?"

"No.

"Well, is your mother home?"

"No."

"Well, is there anyone else here I can speak to about an incredible opportunity?"

"Um, my sister's here."
<...

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Great Russian joke

Four mothers; German, Italian, French, and Russian are in a maternity ward ready to pick up their babies. It just so happens, the nurse doesn't know which baby is which. So the Italian mother walks up to a crib and takes out a slice of pizza. One of the babies moves its hands forward. "That's mine" ...

Cynthia Wong is giving birth at her local hospital...

...that her and her husband Vincent helped to build with their generous donations over the past few years. After a brief hello with his new mom, the newborn boy is taken off to the maternity ward.

After a while, the dad takes a stroll over to the ward to see his new son through the glass, but...

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Little Johnny and the neighbor

Little Johnny is in his room when his mother enters.

"Johnny," she said, "Tonight we're going to the neighbor's house for dinner. They've just had a baby and we're going to have dinner and then see the newborn."

"Okay, mommy," Little Johnny replied.

"Now listen," said his mother...

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An aspiring rapper finds a genie in a bottle...

"What are your three wishes?" the genie asks?

"First, I want to bring back Tupac and Biggie," he says. POOF! Tupac Shakir and Notorious B.I.G. appear beside him.

"Next I want to us all to live in Snoop's crib." POOF! The three are kicking it inside Snoop Dogg's huge mansion.
...

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Confucius say....

"One who farts in church, sits in own pew"

"Learn to masturbate, it come in handy"

"Man who mix Viagra with Laxative, Not know when he coming or going"

"Man who make mistake in elevator, wrong on many levels"

"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it"...

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A Health and Safety Christmas Message

Please be advised that all employees planning to dash though the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only o...

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Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the
reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone
4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christma...

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How The Government Works

One day, a teacher assigns her kids to do some homework; ask their parents/guardians what the government is, since that's their next lesson. Little Johnny, one of her students, goes home that night and asks his father.

"Well," Dad says, "Think of it this way. I'm the president, Mom is the Con...

A son asks his mother a question

Son: Why is my cousin Rose called Rose?

Mother: Because a rose fell in her crib when she was a baby.

Son: Why is my aunt Lily called Lily?

Mother: Because a lily fell in her crib when she was a baby.

Son: Why is-

Mother: Please stop asking questions, Wardrobe.

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