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Credits Jokes

A train goes under a tunnel. Credits to /u/capilot

A soldier, an officer, a young woman, and a matron are sitting in a train compartment. The train goes into a tunnel, and for a moment all is dark. A kiss is heard, followed by a slap. The light comes back, and the officer is rubbing his face.

The matron thinks "that awful officer kissed the y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone credits Pastors and Priests for spreading the gospel..

But no on seems to appreciate the stunning amount of missionary work done by porn stars..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's worse than waking up with a dick drawn on your face?

Someone telling you it was traced on.
[edits up: guys i gotta say something - HOLY SHIT MY PHONE EXPLODED FROM REPLIES]
[edits up again: have the credits
https://youtube.com/shorts/hSK1Vyoimps?feature=share this joke was too funny not to tell]

A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."






credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife just gave birth today

After thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside, and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

Credits to r/dadjokes

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven (credits to u/DerRaumdenker)

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* sh...

What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?

Plastic surgery.

[Credits: My 11yo son invented this joke]

EA's microtransaction policy is so bad that...

[This punchline is locked. Please pay 20,000 credits to unlock]

A panda walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Would you like anything to drink?"

The panda replies, "No thanks, I'm only here to eat."

"So what would you like to eat?"

"I'll just take the fries."

The bartender serves the panda, who enjoys the meal. He asks, "Now, will your payment be cash or card...

Why do they run the credits at the beginning of Game of Thrones?

Because you don't know who is going to make it to the end.

I just watched Extra Credits' new video

His argument was a Reich

Can a woman make a man a millionaire?

Only if he's a billionaire.

Credits to Kevin Hart

Found this one at the end of the Sim City 2000 credits

These 3 strings walk into a bar. The first one goes to the bartender and says, "gimme a drink" and the bartender says "I'm sorry but we don't serve strings here."

So the second string thinks that maybe if he asks nice the bartender will give him a drink. So the second string says to the bart...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

1 dollar for dirty joke

I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.” Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?

Me: “asstasticbum”

Homeless man: “So asstasticbum, the...

I told you I was broke

A little lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning" said the young man. "If I can take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high power vacuum cleaner"

"G...

In the days before calculators, accountants were frequently unable to get their debits to balance with their credits.

So, in order to overcome the discrepancy, they often created a bogus account titled "Taste" to store the unbalanced amount and allow the books to balance.

Unfortunately, the government soon heard of this practice and declared a new law... there would, from this point on, be no accounting for ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.

She spat it right back in my face.


Credits: Jimmy Carr

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