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My diet pills weren't working, so I asked for a refund

I was denied, and was emailed a transcript of the TV commercial:

Butt weight, there's more!

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

I saw a lady in tears at the store. She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside.

I gave her $100 because I had just found about $1600 in the parking lot. #payitforward

Did you guys hear about the lady who put Gorilla Glue in her hair?

She asked for a refund, but they won't give her silverback.

A Trump supporter was upset...

...about having ordered custom "Trump 2020-2024" merchandise from China and now not being able to get a refund. "I just can't accept that I have to kiss my 10 yuan goodbye." I nodded sympathetically but advised him that he'll just have to accept bye ten yuan.

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The Nigerian football team were so disappointed with Saturday’s performance that they have said they will personally refund all expenses to fans who travelled to support them.

All they need to do is send bank details, sort codes & PINs, and they will transfer the money directly …

"Hey, I was supposed to lose 30 pounds in month, I want a refund"

"Sure. How much did you pay for box?"

"30 pounds!"

"Looks like it works like advertised, anything else I can help you with?"

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Amazon won't refund me after sending me the wrong fertilizer.

This is some bullshit.

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Blonde woman takes a dildo back to the adult shop and asked for a refund, owner asks why? Blonde Replies.

It has knocked all my fucking teeth out.

Just got the email "Webinar on how to avoid frauds is cancelled"

And the fee is non-refundable.

Tung was out for a walk on a hot day.

The sun was shining, and the clouds were absent. During his walk, he discovers a man with 2 gorillas by his side. Dumbfounded, Tung asks, “I can’t help but notice you have 2 gorillas there. I was curious as to why.” The man looks up and exclaims “I’m selling them! 100 silver each.” Suspicious, yet i...

Why can't the pregnant women in Alabama ask for a refund on their package?

Because there will always be a delivery.

I donated my body to science the other day

bast*rds sent it back and demanded a refund

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The Sex Shop Fatality.

A man walks into a sex shop to purchase smoe see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and...

I bought a time machine with a no refund policy.

Just read the small print and found out it’s faulty,

there’s no going back.

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I went to watch a standup comedian who kept making stereotypical Jew jokes towards me...

I was so upset I demanded a double refund

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So a guy buys a $5 hooker.....

They have sex and the next day the guys realizes he has crabs. The guy goes back the next day to complain and demand a refund

The hooker goes "It was only $5, what did you expect? Lobster?"

Webinar: How to Avoid Fraud. Registration Fee $99

The webinar is canceled. Registration fee is non refundable.

So I hear EA has removed all refund options from their website, and now customers have to call them directly. But hey:

"The intent is to provide players with a sense of pride and accomplishment from successfully navigating our automated phone menu."

I asked the shopkeeper if he thought I should be refunded for my faulty abacus

He told me not to count on it.

Rick, a salesman, specilized in real estate. As he was talking to a client names Down about a property. The client said to Rick...

"Never in my life have i seen such a pretty house!"

"Gonna buy it?" asked Rick.

"Give me the paperwork" said Down. "I'm gonna."

"You made the right choice." said Rick, while grinning a grin. What he had neglected to tell his client was thay the upstairs was completly damaged....

***2020 CANCELLED***

After careful consideration, we have decided that it is no longer in the best interests of everyone involved to proceed with 2020.

While we recognize that a lot of hard work has gone into preparing for 2020, if we're honest it has just turned into a bit of a sh*tshow and we feel it best just ...

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A farmer had a donkey that will only eat part of its food.

It was very strong and fit, but whenever they were given food, they left a significant portion.

At one point, another farmer comes by and, seeing as how the donkey is big and strong, wants to buy it.

So the first farmer parts with his donkey.

The next day, the second farmer come...

A man goes to buy a parachute

He asks the cashier,
“what happens if the parachute fails to deploy?”

The cashier responds: “ Oh, Just pull the reserve chute, you will be fine.”

The man asks again: “What if the reserve chute fails???”

The cashier responds: “ Well, In that case bring it back and we will giv...

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I recently went on Amazon looking for a popcorn machine.

After a few minutes of searching I settled on an 800W electric stainless steel popcorn machine for £45. As I added it to my basket, I saw that they had an upgrade to Amazon Prime called Amazon Prime X. It claimed to deliver your order in 20 minutes or less. I assumed it was bullshit but I had a free...

Investing in an assisted suicide centre has its pros and cons

The service is non-refundable but there are no repeat customers

Man and Psychic

Man: Will I pay u?

Psychic: No

Man: Wrong! here’s 10 bucks

Psychic: Dammit

Man: I want a refund

Everytime I do something stupid, my dad stares at my mom like

He wants a refund.

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A Man Walks Into A Pet Shop

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner “I want to get a pet that will impress my friends. I don’t want anything normal though, so do you have any weird or extraordinary pets?” The pet shop owner says “I’ve got just the thing.” He pulls out a match box and says “This here is a talking cent...

A huge crab walks into a bar...

...and says to the barman, "I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a ...

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NSFW an old one told to me long ago

A woman walks into an small cantina and sees a live frog sitting on the shelf. She proceeds to ask the bartender "what's up with the frog?"

Bartender replies: "That there frog is guaranteed to get any woman off"

The woman laughs it off

Time goes by, a few drinks later she asks.....

One day, a guy went into a store,

One day, a guy went into a store, just browsing. He suddenly saw a statue of a rat made of bronze, and thought that it was interesting. He decided to buy it, and so he did.


The guy walked out of the store, carrying the statue in his arms. Suddenly some rats started following him. ...

My company makes parachutes for skydivers

We offer free refund for defective products but it seems like our customers are very generous about small mistakes.

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A guy asked me: Who is this Chuck Norris guy?

Well, in short: He build the house he was born in by his aunt because no one dared to screw his mom. In his youth he molested catholic priests after that he joined the army where He was a well known Kamikaze pilot for about 7 times. He made fire with a magnifying glass under water at night and coun...

I experienced the WORST customer service yesterday at a shop.

I don't want to mention the name of the shop because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed. On Wednesday I bought something from this shop. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work. So today, less than 48 hours later I took it back to the shop and asked if I could get a refund...

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A man see's a sign on a bar window "Win $1,000,000 - Details inside"

Curiosity peaked, he enters the bar and asks the bartender what's required to win the million.



"Ah, that?" The bartender casually replied, offering a challenging smirk. "It requires the completion of 3 tasks I believe to be impossible. It brought in a lot of business when I first put ...

Fallout 3: "Where's my father?" Fallout 4: "Where's my son?"

Fallout 76: "Where's my refund?"

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner.

"Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring or normal pet - no cats, dogs, or birds - I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?," the main replied, "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is $50. Happy with the u...

A lumberjack walks into a shop to buy a chainsaw...

The shopkeeper picks one out and says "this one can cut down 5 trees in 2 minutes". The lumberjack is impressed by this and buys the chainsaw. 2 days later, the lumberjack comes back to the shop with the chainsaw and asks for a refund.

"This is a complete rip-off, I only managed to cut down ...

What's at the centre of No Man's Sky universe?

A refund.

credit to /u/xROSSTHEHOSSx (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post)

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A bloke heads down to a pet shop in search of an animal to give him some company as he gets lonely at home.

He didn't have many friends and wanted a pet to give him purpose. The bloke walks into the pet shop and gets greeted by the cashier

"Good afternoon sir what can I help you with today?"

"I've come to look for a pet to keep me company" The bloke replies.

"Well then I've got jus...

I have the only identity where if it was stolen...

The person who brought it would ask for a refund

A man calls his doctor and says "I'd like to cancel my tomorrow's appointment."

The doctor replies:

- Well, in such a case it will not be refunded, as appointments need to be cancelled three days in advance if you want a refund.

- Can I have it rescheduled then?

- Yes. What do you think about 3:30 PM next Friday?

- That is all right.

- Thank y...

At the food court today, I was behind this lady arguing with a food vendor.

It seems she ate 3/4 of her food but decided she didn’t like it and insisted on a full refund. I felt bad for the young girl working the front alone, but mostly just wanted to get back to my kids, so I interrupted with the intention of offering to pay for her meal.

She turns around and sticks...

An Inuit man walks into a pet store...

An Inuit man walks into a pet store holding a dead, bloodied seal, he screams at the owner "SOMEONE HAS CLUBBED MY SEAL, I DEMAND A REFUND!" The owner looks at him and says, "Sorry, warranty void if seal is broken."

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I bought a defective pack of playing cards. It had only three suits and all the cards were jacks.

I'm still trying to get a refund from those heartless bastards.

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

What do you call a group of 500 atoms?

A Refund.

*This post is brought to you by "Todd Howard did Nothing Wrong" gang*

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What’s the worst thing someone can ask for during sex?

A refund.

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An employee of a sex toy shop answers a call from a customer...

“Hi, I purchased a cock cage from your store on Tuesday. Even though the box clearly states it’s made for men with extra large penises, the cage was still too small to fit me,” the customer explained.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” the worker responded. “But unfortunately, it sounds like you did o...

Your momma's so dumb...

She thought a quarterback was a refund

The real reason not all Costco’s sell ice...

they don’t want to refund every person with a cup of water.

A man is on his deathbed with...

his wife by his side. In his faint, dying breath, he tells her that there were two times he suspected she cheated on him, and he would like to know the truth, the whole truth, before he dies.

Rather hesitantly, she agrees to tell him everything. "Well first," she begins, "remember when you lo...

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The story of Rolph Louie, the worst basketball player to ever make it to the NBA.

There was once a basketball player named Rolph Louie, who somehow made his way into the Chicago Bulls. This decision to pick up Rolph for the roster made no sense to anybody; it baffled the commentators, the fans and even the players on the team. Rolph could barely dribble a ball...

In 99% of...

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A man walks into a brothel...

A man walks into a brothel. He walks up to the proprietor and says: "What can I get for $1?"

The proprietor says: "Go up the stairs and into the room on the right."

The man walks into the room and sits on the bed, when he notices a small door at the bottom of one of the walls. The door...

Alaska

These two guys had both just got divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader’s store and tol...

Just found out I passed my drug test at work today!

My damn dealer owes me a big refund!

3 friends split a hotel room cost evenly.

(More of a riddle hope it's okay)

The cost of the hotel is $30 so they each pay $10.

After they have settled in their room the manager realizes there was actually a deal and the room only cost $25.

The manager sends the bell hop with the $5 to refund them but on the way there h...

What is it called when you rob a government official?

A refund!

r/Jokes has finally started to do something about all the reposts

If you see a reposted joke, they'll refund your subscription fees.

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There once was a man in a happy marriage, save for one aspect - his member was so sizable he could not fully insert himself into his wife without causing her pain.

One night, this frustration boiled over, and he headed out to find a bordello - surely, if he was to find a woman to accommodate his size, it would be there.


As he walks into the parlor, he eyes a man behind the counter and tells him his troubles. The man says, "Well, that's a pickle, but...

If you had purchased

$1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you...

You've had a bad day but...

The parachute company says you'll get a full refund.


The flesh eating virus barely touched your other arm.


Imagine what would have happened if your ex-wife had a *good* lawyer.


The fertility drugs worked 4 times better than expected.


The insurance company ...

A blond go into parachute shop

She come to the cashier and ask him how to use the parachute, he then explain to her that after she jump, she need to pull the yellow string. She ask him "But what if i will pull it and the parachute won't open?". He then explain her that this is a special parachute with backup, and if the yellow st...

Another parrot joke.

A boy decides he'd like to have a parrot. But searching around he finds that they are all very expensive. He finally finds one at a discount a a local pet shop but it has a crooked beak.

He decides to buy it anyway because he's read on the internet that it can be carefully filed straight. ...

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Mother asks little Johny to go to a shop...

...but she only has a £50 note therefore she says to him "I'm giving you £50 and you have to buy bread, milk and butter only. Do not buy anything else and bring the change back."

As he was told, he goes to a shop but he sees a huge teddy bear for £50 and he buys it. He comes back home...

The Deep Sea Marine company was sued by a disgruntled customer.

The Deep Sea Marine claimed to be the best at making flawless, impenetrable submarines. Of their five years of service, they were sued only once for a faulty submarine.

"I demand a refund, and more! I almost died!" shouted the customer.

The company was confused entirely, until the law...

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Apples $5

So a man is driving down the road one day when he sees a sign that says : "Apples $5" astonished at the cost he decides he has to investigate. When he arrives at the farm he walks over to the farmers stand and ask the farmer why the apples cost so much. The farmer tells him that the apples taste li...

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A man and a frog

One evening a man was taking a walk and was passing by a pet store. The pet store owner was stand in front holding a large frog.
As the man was passing, "Hey Mr. You want to buy this frog?" "No. I don't want to buy that frog"
Store owner says " This frog will give you the best blow job you ev...

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Deep voice

A guy walks into a doctors office to get examined, in a really deep voice he tells the doctor "listen here doctor I cant stand stand my voice anymore it's to deep anytime i try to talk or meet anyone i just scare them off even my wife is starting to hate it." The doctor agrees to run some test and f...

A punk girl goes shopping and asks the cashier

"Can i get a refund if my parents like these clothes?"

If the eclipse glasses I sold you don't work...

see me after, and I'll give you a refund.

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The Naked Spa

An old man decided to pay a Naked Spa a visit. After registering for a new membership and changing into his birthday suit, he decided to take a walk around the place all naked and stuff.

Along the way, he saw a young naked woman which gave him a boner. The woman noticed him, so she walked ove...

Tiny Concerto

So, a guy walks into a bar. It's early in the afternoon, and he's the only customer, so he sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bartender brings it, sets it down, and says, "That'll be 20 dollars." The man looks at him, wide-eyed, and says "Twenty dollars? For one freaking beer?" "Oh no", say...

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Jimmy and the "Classic-Vlasic-Ass-Lick"

Jimmy goes to see a beautiful dominatrix that all his buddies recommended.

He nervously tells her, "My friends said I should ask you for a 'Classic-Vlasic-Ass-Lick'. But they wouldn't tell me anything about it. What is it exactly?"

She explains, "Well, first I'm going to strip you na...

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A man with a crippling stutter visits his doctor hoping for a cure...

"D D D D Doctor, you've g g g g got to Help m m m me, I'll dddo anyt t t t thing.

The doctor gives him a thorough physical examination, and sure enough discovers the problem....

"your penis is massive, it's causing a great strain on your vocal chords, which is creating the stutte...

This Gum Tastes Like Rubber

Condom-vending Machines are provided in some restrooms. When it comes to wall-scrawl, these dispensers take as much abuse as the wall above the urinals and the wisdom written in the stalls. Here are samples of what was scratched into the paint of various dispensers in the USA:

'This gum taste...

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Two 80 year old men

Michael and John, who have been best friends since high school, have just spent the last of their retirement savings on a trip to Hawaii.

They check into their hotel and are furious when they find out that the lifts wont be working for another month and that their room is located on the 90th ...

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The Brass Rat

A man, visiting San Francisco, noticed a musty curio shop, which seemed to be forgotten by time. It seemed very out of place in the busy city. The man's curiosity was piqued, and he entered the shop. The store didn't seem to have much traffic, and the shelves were full of dusty, but interesting item...

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Why IRS hasn't taxed the only thing it left out - penis!

NEW TAX CODE

The only thing IRS has not yet taxed is the penis.

This is due to the fact that 70% of the time it is hanging around
unemployed, 13% of the time it is pissed off, 12% of the time it
is hard up, and 5% of the time it's in the hole.

It has two dependents, but th...

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