This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend exclaimed, "Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?" I said, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I mumbled, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

“Congratulations,” said the doctor, “you have a new life growing inside you!”

The patient said, “I’m a man.”

The doctor said, “the tapeworm doesn’t care.”

Congratulations to me! I just made my last mortgage payment!

I still owe like $262,000, but I'm just not going pay them any more.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery...

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound w...

Congratulations to drugs for winning the war on drugs

Congratulations to drugs for winning the war on drugs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn’t know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son’s sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse's aide walks in, bends over & blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son, I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home....

4 men are in the hospital waiting room waiting for their babies

The nurse walks in and tells the first man: "Congratulations you're having twins."

The man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence, i work for the Minnesota twins."

The nurse tells the second man: "Congratulations you're having triplets."

The man responds: "That's a crazy coincide...

For my cake day, here's the oldest joke in my email, sent to me in 1996.

In honor of my cake day, I'm sharing the oldest joke in my email archive, that was sent to me on September 17, 1996.



Three unrelated men happen to die on the same day and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gates and says "Congratulations! You've all made it to Heaven. Now, de...

Congratulations, America.

Zero school shootings so far this year.

Congratulations to Jason Pierre Paul

He's won a Super Bowl ring for every finger.

A man is laying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant.

A doctor comes in and says "Congratulations! But unfortunately since this is a new procedure your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford."


The man says to the doctor "Okay, what are they?"

<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Satan arrives to welcome a new damned soul to hell.

"Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!"

"Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."

Congratulations to the obvious winner of last night’s debate...

The voyager space probe hurtling away from our solar system at over 35k mph!

A woman awakens from a coma, no longer pregnant.

"Congratulations! You delivered a boy and a girl!" The nurse said.
"That's great! Who named them?" She asked.
"Your husband did. He named the boy Jason."
"I like that. What about the girl?"
"Jadaughter."

Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate!

The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.

Student: (*hands in exam*) "I've been writing for 2 hours but I haven't answered a single question!"

Politics Teacher: "Congratulations, that's a straight A."

3 Nuns are killed in an accident and meet St Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Before they’re admitted to Heaven, St Peter tells them that they have to answer a question before they can enter.
He turns to the first nun and asks “Who was the first man on Earth?”
The nun answer “Easy, Adam”, then some lights flash and bells ring, “Yeah congratulations!” says Peter “Tha...

Congratulations to Donald J. Trump for winning

the silver medal in the 2020 U.S. Presidential race!

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.

After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."

The Englishman suddenly gra...

Congratulations, America.

Two months without a school shooting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Success is like being pregnant.

Everyone says congratulations, but nobody knows how many times you got fucked.

Dad: Son, congratulations. Im sure you will remeber today as the happiest day of your life.

Son: Thanks dad! But wedding is tomorrow.

Dad: I know.

Congratulations 2020 graduating class

Reigning senior skip day champions!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How come when a woman is pregnant, everyone rubs her stomach and says congratulations.

But no one rubs your balls and says good job?

“Congratulations on winning most secretive person in the office”

“I can’t tell you what this means to me”

Congratulation Chiefs . . .

. . . The best Super Bowl I have seen this year, heck, this decade!!!

Congratulations, you made it through 6 month of 2020!

3 more to go!

Congratulations America. 51 years ago you landed on the moon!!!

Now you can’t even go to Canada.

Congratulations, your ears hang as low as an Amish person's.

But can you tie a Mennonite?

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulatio...

Demi Lovato announced they are non-binary today

Congratulations Themi Lovato!

Congratulations to Whitney Houston!

As of today she has been drug free for 8 years!

Congratulations to Donald Trump winning the presidency...

May his global impact be as tiny as his hands

Congratulations West Ham

The only club named after two things that ISIS hate.

Be careful what you wish for

One for cake day:

Tom finds an old, tarnished lamp. He gets excited, and polishes it vigorously.

A genie appears and say "Congratulations, you get three wishes! What is your first wish?"

Tom says, "I want to be Rich!".

The genie says, "No problem, done. What is your ne...

/r/LatvianJokes, you are Subreddit of the Day! Congratulations!

Is only joke. Is actually secret police.

Hey boss, we’re getting married

Jim: “My girlfriend and I are getting married on 9/16”

Todd:”No way! I’m also getting married that day, we should go tell the manager to request our days off while he’s here”

The two colleagues walked to their manager’s office together to request their days off.

“Hey boss, we’r...

Congratulations to Justin Trudeau on the results of the Canadian Election

He always did want to be a minority.

Congratulations, you've won a free vacation across Canada! You have a choice between experiencing the vast Canadian Arctic, or everything else that Canada has to offer.

You either see all of it, or Nunavut.

A weird disease

An old women visits a doctor and says, " Doctor, I have a weird disease, I FART... But for some reason there is no smell or sound. I just farted now but as you can see... no sound.. no smell..nothing".


So doctor gives some medicines and asks her to visit after a week.


After a w...

A car is pulled over by a police officer. The officer walks up to the driver and says, "Congratulations, you're the 100th driver to remember putting on your seatbelt today, and so you have won $2000! So sir, what do you think you'll do with those money?"

The driver says, "I'd probably buy a driver's license."

His wife sitting next to him says "Don't listen to him Officer, he's been drinking."

A man exclaims from the backseat, "I've told you both this, we never get anywhere in stolen cars!"

A voice can be heard from the trunk sho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An engineer, after being unemployed for a long time, decided to open his own hospital.

At the front, he put up a sign: “We can cure any disease with just $500! If we fail, we’ll give you back $1000.”

One doctor, thinking that this was an easy grab, visited the hospital right away.


Doctor: “I lost my taste.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please give 3 drops of medicine #22...

A young depressed gentleman calls the Al Qaeda hotline

and says, "I think I need help. I've been having suicidal thoughts."

Then he hears the representative on the other end, "Well, congratulations. You're hired."

Jeff Bezos' Advice

An Amazon employee greets Bezos shortly after his successful spaceflight and gives him a hearty congratulations. Jeff responds, "Well, if you work hard, set yourself goals and work with determination, I should be able to squeeze in 2 more flights before Christmas."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

9 martinis

I walked into a bar ,a guy was sitting at a table ,with 9 martinis in front of him . I say ." Jeez man what are you celebrating.?"

He replies " my first blow job.".

Me::" congratulations ,bro ,let me buy you another ."

Him :: no thanks ,,if 9 don't get the taste out of my mouth...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You go hiking with your best friend Terry. Both of you get lost, and Terry is mauled to death by a bear.

You bury Terry in a shallow grave and try to find your way back to civilization. However you end up walking in circles and days later, you find yourself at the exact same spot.

By this time, you've exhausted your supply of water and are severely dehydrated. Then you realize that Terry was ...

Found this one in my 2014 meme stash

A police officer pulled over a car on a deserted highway and told the driver, "Congratulations! You're the first person here today who was wearing a seat belt and now you're entitled to a prize of 1000$. What are you gonna do with your money?"

"Well", replied the man, "I think I'm gonna get a...

I tried my best to translate this from Romanian

A nun walks into a bar and goes straight to the bartender

Nun: Hi! May I use your bathroom?

Bartender: Sure thing! But before you go in there's something you should know.

Nun: Yes?

Bartender: When you walk in, there's gonna be a statue of a dude wearing nothing but a lea...

Congratulations USA

We have officially gone black and gone back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Got my first colonic the other day.

When they finished they pulled the hose out of my ass and said, “congratulations, you’re no longer totally full of shit.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Congratulations to Alabama for making same sex marriage legal

Now the men can finally marry their brothers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old rabbi wins the lottery

The man wins $3,000,000.00

A reporter from the local TV station comes to interview him at his house

She asks him, "Congratulations on your winning! What do you plan to do with the money?"

The old rabbi answers, "I'm giving $1,000,000 to a Jewish charity, $1,000,000 to my family...

Congratulations to the woman who gave birth to the kid named Envelope.

Hopefully, she keeps us posted.

A Police Officer Pulls Over a Car With Four People in it.

When the driver opens the window, he proceeds to say, "Congratulations, because everyone has their seatbelt on today, you are going to win a $200 gift card!"

The driver responds, "Oh thank goodness, I thought you were pulling me over for running that stop sign a mile back."

The front s...

My friend is buying a pregnancy test kit for his girlfriend

Congratulations either way

Congratulations Tony Romo.

For finally making it to the Super Bowl.

Last night I was laying in bed naked with my girlfriend when she started to cough.

She told me she might need to get tested for Covid.

I pulled the covers over her head, then I farted.

She goes "ewwww, that stinks. Oh my God I can taste it!!!".

Then I pulled the covers off of her and said "Congratulations. You don't have Covid".

Contest Emcee: Congratulations! You just won a lifetime supply of Ramen Noodles!

Me: Can I just take the $20 instead?

Shopkeeper receives flowers at the opening of his new store...

And the card says "Rest In Peace". So he calls up the florist, angry, and she says, "Sir, at least you weren't the one who got flowers at your wife's funeral that said, 'Congratulations on the new location.'"

Congratulations to Tom Brady, the first player to be undefeated over 5+ Super Bowls.

He's won all 5/7.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes into a bar and orders three shots of tequila...

"What's the special occasion?" the bartender asks him.

"I'm celebrating my first blowjob,"he replies.

"Well congratulations,"the bartender says."The next ones on the house."

"Nahh thanks anyway but if three shots won't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will."

“Hey man, congratulations on that aggressive knuckle cancer.”

(Fist bump)

Congratulations to the guy who invented the knock knock jokes.

He's just won the 'No-Bell' prize.

Fred was walking the long way home back to his house.(Long)

He had a long day at work and was feeling very sad that none of his co-workers had wished him well on this special day for him.

Fred walked past his neighbors who all waved to him but gave no special congratulations.

Fred began to feel worse and worse for himself as he finally made i...

The lion got married and arranged a big wedding party. All the animals came to the wedding to congratulate him.

The rabbit came, put his hand on the his upper back and said: "congratulations my brother!! I wish..." the lion got angry by hearing the word brother, stopped him immediately and roar at him "BROTHER!?!? How the hell can you be my brother?!? I'm a LION!!! the king of all the living animals, and you'...

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The man with no balls

There was once a man who had no balls who started working in an office.


“Congratulations, Josh!” The boss exclaims, “Our office hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, but you can come at 10 AM”.


“Why is that?” Josh asks.


“Well you see, from 8 to 10 all we do here is play with ...

A man walks into a coffee shop

Cashier: Congratulations! You are our 10,000th customer. Enjoy this complimentary bagel.

Man: Gee, thanks!

Cashier: That will be £2.50 please. Cash or card?

Man: I thought you said it was complimentary...

Bagel: You have a beautiful smile

Billionaire's Party

A billionaire built a large pool for his man eating shark. At parties he would tell guests, “If anyone can swim the length of this pool then I will give you one of three things: $10 million, half of my estate, or the hand of my daughter in marriage.”

No one ever took the billionaire up on the...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey, congratulations on the job promotion!" the bartender says. "Thanks. But you know, success in life is kind of like being pregnant," the guy replies. "Everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you were screwed."

Congratulations to my wife!

who reached a new culinary milestone today by setting off the neighbors' smoke alarm!

Congratulations to Amy Winehouse...

...on six months of sobriety.

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