Congratulation Jokes - 67 Hilarious Congratulation Jokes

Congratulations USA

Zero school shootings so far this year.

Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate!

The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.

Congratulations to me! I just made my last mortgage payment!

I still owe like $262,000, but I'm just not going pay them any more.

Congratulations West Ham

The only club named after two things that ISIS hate.

Congratulation Chiefs . . .

. . . The best Super Bowl I have seen this year, heck, this decade!!!

/r/LatvianJokes, you are Subreddit of the Day! Congratulations!

Is only joke. Is actually secret police.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having their babies. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said "congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, 5 big baby boys."

The redneck said "I am not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney." The nurse replied, "you might want to get it cleaned because they are all black."

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.

After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."

The Englishman suddenly gra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

4 men are in the hospital waiting room waiting for their babies The nurse walks in and tells the first man: "Congratulations you're having twins." The man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence, i work for the Minnesota twins."

The nurse tells the second man: "Congratulations you're having triplets."

The man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence, i work for the 3M company."

The nurse tells the third man: "Congratulations You're having quadruplets."

The third man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence i ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Satan arrives to welcome a new damned soul to hell.

"Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!"

"Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."

The Unemployed Engineer

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail." A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost my...

If you don't know the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist...

congratulations, you're doing great!

Congratulations to drugs for winning the war on drugs

The Doctor and the Rich Man

An immigrant doctor decided to start his own clinic one day.
He put a sign in front of it that says if he can't cure your illness, he'll give you 100 dollars. If he can, you have to pay 20 dollars.
A young rich man passes by, sees the sign, and thinks it's a good opportunity to earn 100 bu...

Congratulations to Donald Trump winning the presidency...

May his global impact be as tiny as his hands

Congratulations, America.

Two months without a school shooting.

A woman giving birth went into a coma for a few days

When she woke up, the doctor told her, “congratulations, you gave birth to healthy twins: a girl and a boy. Your ex-boyfriend visited and named them for you”

The woman replies, “no not him! What did he name the boy?”

Doctor: Mason

Woman: Oh that’s actually not a bad name. How ab...

What's the difference between a congratulation and a condom?

One is a tip of the hat and the other's a hat of the tip.

A man stumbles upon a genie in the desert

The genie pops up and says "congratulations, you may now request 2 wishes." Feeling confused, the man asks "why isnt it 3 wishes? Isnt it always 3?" After which, the genie tells the man to look in his pants. After a few seconds of amazement by the man, the genie explains, "listen kid, ive been doing...

Congratulations USA

We have officially gone black and gone back.

Congratulations to Jason Pierre Paul

He's won a Super Bowl ring for every finger.

Congratulations, your daughter is getting married.

Who is the lucky guy?

She is going to mary Tyler Moore.

Sorry for the terrible joke.

A man was congratulating his son and daughter

“Hey Dad! I did it! I was just promoted!”

“Congratulations son! I knew you could do it! You’re so smart and you worked so hard!”

“Hey Dad, I also just got promoted!”

“Congratulations daughter, I knew you could do it! You’re so beautiful!”

“I…what…? But I…worked h...

Congratulations 2020 graduating class

Reigning senior skip day champions!

Congratulations to the obvious winner of last night’s debate...

The voyager space probe hurtling away from our solar system at over 35k mph!

- Congratulations ! You’ve just won the most-awkward-situations award

-really?!!

-not you , the dude on your right

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How come when a woman is pregnant, everyone rubs her stomach and says congratulations.

But no one rubs your balls and says good job?

Congratulations Tony Romo.

For finally making it to the Super Bowl.

Congratulations to Donald J. Trump for winning

the silver medal in the 2020 U.S. Presidential race!

“Congratulations,” said the doctor, “you have a new life growing inside you!”

The patient said, “I’m a man.”

The doctor said, “the tapeworm doesn’t care.”

Congratulations to Whitney Houston!

As of today she has been drug free for 8 years!

Congratulations, you made it through 6 month of 2020!

3 more to go!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Congratulations to Alabama for making same sex marriage legal

Now the men can finally marry their brothers

A woman awakens from a coma, no longer pregnant.

"Congratulations! You delivered a boy and a girl!" The nurse said.
"That's great! Who named them?" She asked.
"Your husband did. He named the boy Jason."
"I like that. What about the girl?"
"Jadaughter."

My aunt

My aunt (who already has 3 children from different fathers) posted on facebook that she is pregnant with twins. I commented: "Congratulations, finally two children from the same father".

“Congratulations on winning most secretive person in the office”

“I can’t tell you what this means to me”

Congratulations America. 51 years ago you landed on the moon!!!

Now you can’t even go to Canada.

Congratulations, your ears hang as low as an Amish person's.

But can you tie a Mennonite?

Congratulations to Amy Winehouse...

...on six months of sobriety.

Congratulations to my wife!

who reached a new culinary milestone today by setting off the neighbors' smoke alarm!

In an apartment complex, a beautiful woman and three men live

One day, the woman is taking a shower, when one of the men knocks on her door. She recognizes his voice as that of the football player, so she puts on a towel and sees what he wants.

Football player: great news! My team won the game!

Woman: that’s very exciting! Congratulations!
...

Congratulations. You're 18.

On a list of 20 people that I want to kill.

Congratulations to Justin Trudeau on the results of the Canadian Election

He always did want to be a minority.

“Hey man, congratulations on that aggressive knuckle cancer.”

(Fist bump)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar, and orders six shots of Jack...

The bartender sets up six shots of Jack, and the guy quaffs them down one after another.

"Are you celebrating something?" asks the bartender

"Yes, as a matter of fact I am" the guy smiles "My first blowjob!"

"Hey! That's great! Congratulations. Have another shot on the house!"...

Dad: Son, congratulations. Im sure you will remeber today as the happiest day of your life.

Son: Thanks dad! But wedding is tomorrow.

Dad: I know.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Sorry I suffer from premature congratulation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four men are waiting for their wives in a marital ward.

edit: maternity ward, sorry my vocab is crap

They're all very anxious about becoming a father. After waiting some time, the doctor appears and congratulates the first man.

"Congratulations, your wife had twins!"

The man was relieved, but was a bit surprised. "What a coincidence...

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?

Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.

Interviewer: and what about the rest?

Poker player: Well... I guess they'll ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Texan buys a round of drinks...

.. for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just gave birth to "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations resounded. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How mu...

Congratulations to the guy who invented the knock knock jokes.

He's just won the 'No-Bell' prize.

Congratulations to the woman who gave birth to the kid named Envelope.

Hopefully, she keeps us posted.

An American, an Italian, and a German are applying for a job.

In the wake of WWII, the newly founded CIA needed the best of the best. An American, an Italian, and a German have made it to the final round of interviews.

The three are sitting together in a barren room, when an agent walks in.

"Congratulation, each of you have made it to the final ...

Contest Emcee: Congratulations! You just won a lifetime supply of Ramen Noodles!

Me: Can I just take the $20 instead?

President Trump received congratulations from the Pope himself...

Because thanks to him half the world started praying.

A kid comes home from school...

... and so excitedly tells his dad: "Daddy, daddy the teacher asked a question at school today and I was the only one who answered it!"

His father replies: "Congratulations, I am so proud of you! ... But what was the question?

Son: "Who broke the damn window...."

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a sel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn’t know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son’s sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse's aide walks in, bends over & blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son, I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Success is like being pregnant.

Everybody says congratulations but nobody knows how many times you got fucked.

Congratulations to Tom Brady, the first player to be undefeated over 5+ Super Bowls.

He's won all 5/7.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes into a bar and orders three shots of tequila...

"What's the special occasion?" the bartender asks him.

"I'm celebrating my first blowjob,"he replies.

"Well congratulations,"the bartender says."The next ones on the house."

"Nahh thanks anyway but if three shots won't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will."

Found this one in my 2014 meme stash

A police officer pulled over a car on a deserted highway and told the driver, "Congratulations! You're the first person here today who was wearing a seat belt and now you're entitled to a prize of 1000$. What are you gonna do with your money?"

"Well", replied the man, "I think I'm gonna get a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

Denise and WHAT?!

A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.

"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."

"What did he name them?" ...

Congratulations on Breaking 100,000, /r/jokes!

To follow the sidebar I present you the worst and unfunniest joke I know:

What did the car say to the cow? BEEF BEEF!

What did the cow say to the car? MOOOOOOOOOOOve

Haha! Please don't forget to purchase the best rotten tomatoes nearby to throw at me, they are of the best ro...

NASTY JOKE WARNING: A man pulls into a motel late at night....

He goes to the office and the clerk asks, "what can I do for you?" The man says, "well, I just got married and we'd like a room by the lake."

"Oh, well congratulations," the clerk said. "I'll give you a nice cabin by the lake." He gives the man the keys and directs him to a cabin. He wa...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.