A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside reading 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

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My cake day joke - A man goes to a bar and orders 10 shots of jaeger. The bartender says wow, thats a lot, you celebrating?

The man says yes! My first blowjob!

The bartender says congrats! Why 10?

The man says *if that won't get the taste out, nothing will.*

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A guy goes into a bar

He orders seven tequila shots, one after the other.
The bartender asks the guy "What are you celebrating?"
The guy responds "My first blowjob."
The bartender says "Congrats! Have another shot on the house!"
The guy says "No thanks, if seven shots won't get rid of the taste, eight won't...

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Two men, Joe and bob, both virgins, died and went to heaven.

God introduces them to the heaven!
“Congrats, you get to enjoy eternal life in heaven.
But you have one rule, never eat apples from the forbidden tree” As god pointed to the tree full of delicious apples.

“Uh, what happens if someone eats from it?” Asked Joe.
God replies, “well, um,...

People write Congrats.

Because spelling Congrajlashins is hard.

Congrats Mac Miller!

1 week sober!

My boss walked up to me and said "Congrats, you've been promoted to manager." "Cool, who do I manage now?" I asked.

"Yourself."

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When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!"...

When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!". But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".
Moral: Hard work is never appreciated. Only results

Why do people say "congrats"?

because they can't spell congratchulations

A cop stopped a car and said, “Congrats you just won $1000 for wearing your seatbelt!”

He replies,”Do u think I’m good enough to get a license?” Then a woman in the passenger seat said,”Don’t listen to him, he becomes a smartass when he’s drunk.” Someone else in the backseat says,”I knew we wouldn’t get too far with a stolen car.” Finally a knock comes from the trunk and someone says,...

Joe Biden is not my president. I didn't vote for him!!!

No seriously guys he's not my president. Im from Nepal. I didn't vote for him.

P.S. Congrats US for taking the first step towards undoing the 4 years of chaos.

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China started anal swabbing covid-19 patients for rapid results...

Step 1: Insert swab into butthole.
Step 2: Remove, and insert swab into nose.
Step 3: If you smelled it, congrats, you are COVID negative.


Results: Instantaneous.

Congrats! You're on the new game show, Serbia or Suburbia!

Contestant #1, who drinks vodka immediately when they get off work, because their country is falling apart?

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A man walks into a bar. He orders 4 shots of whiskey from the bar. He drinks them. The bartender pours another 4, which he drinks. The bartender- "You seem to be in a really good mood!" The customer- "I'm pretty excited abut my first blowjob!" The bartender says "Congrats, have another shot on me!"

The customer replies "No thanks, if 8 shots of whiskey won't get rid of the taste, I don't think 9 will either!"

In Leicester City, no one talks about the cold ...

... because of the>! silent "ice".!<


ps: Congrats r/lcfc for winning the FA Cup (:

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Congrats Trump!!

Your the first person to fuck Hillary since 1998

Congrats to Gaston on his award!

The No-Belle Prize.

Congrats to the National Gallery on receiving a substantial donation of French Impressionist and Eastern European artwork.

Which is to say ... they're getting Monet for nothing and the Czechs for free.

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A bloke walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila.

He downs them one after the other, slamming the glasses on the bar.

"Never seen anyone do that before, is it a special occasion?" asked the barman.

"Yeah" answered the bloke. "First blowjob today."

"Congrats" said the barman. "Have another one on the house."

"No thanks" r...

In a four story building, there live four residents, one for each floor.

On the first floor lives a Boxer. On the second, a professional football player. On the third, a blind man, and on the fourth, a beautiful woman.

One beautiful day, the woman is in the shower. She hears the doorbell ring, and she yells, “Who is it?” The person behind the door yells back, “Car...

Congrats to Ohio State, you didn't have the worst performance of the evening...

...Mariah Carey's got your back.

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Guy walks into the bar and asks for a double shot of tequila. Bartender pours it and immediately the guy drinks. Guy then immediately asks for another double, bartender pours it and guy drinks immediately. The bartender in shock that he drank the shots so quickly asks"whoa, what are you celebrating?

Guy " I just experienced my first blowjob"

Bartender "Congrats, this ones on me bud"

Guy drinks it "Thank you"

Bartender " so how was it?"

Guy " Not bad, but I'm still trying to get the taste out my mouth"

A soldier rushes to his captain and says: "one enemy ship is approaching us"

Captain Replies “David, Go Bring My Red Shirt”

Soldier Gets Shirt For His Captain.

Enemy Ship Comes In, Heavy Rounds Of Fire Are Exchanged.

Finally The Captain Wins.

Soldier Asks: “Congrats Sir, But Why The Red Shirt?”

Captain Replies: “If I Got Injured Then My Blo...

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Getting success is like getting pregnent

Everybody congrats u but no body knows how many time u got fucked up :’)

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Guys first blow job ....

Guy goes into a bar and orders 4 taqueria shots and starts knocking them back.
Barman asks what’s up and the guy tells him he just had his first blowjob.

‘Congrats’ says the barman, ‘have another on me’.

‘No thanks’ says the guy, ‘if 4 shots won’t take the taste away another isn’t...

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender to line him up 10 shots of his strongest liquor on the counter.

The man proceeds to down all 10 shots in a matter of minutes. The bartender asks him “what’s the special occasion” and the guy responds “I just got my first blowjob”. The bartender responds “congrats, here have a shot on the house”. The guy says “no thanks, if 10 shots won’t get the taste out of my ...

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Too good not to share..

\*1. Kamasutra says : If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one. And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!\*


\*2. Did you ever notice: everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs and lower body with a "P" Peticoat, panti...

[OC]I have a black Asian friend named Bill Wong.

Bill has been my best friend all of my life since like 3rd grade. Recently, he met this girl named Emma Wong and fell in love with her. She is also a black Asian with the same last name.

To be honest, I’m kinda jealous. Ever since he met her he stopped talking to me and if I try to talk...

Smoking two cigarettes at once

A girl saw a guy smoking two cigarettes at once, she asked him why ? he replied that he smokes one for himself and one for his buddy in prison. Another day, the same girl saw that guy again smoking only one cigarette this time, she said : "Congrats! i'm verry happy for you and your friend ! he must ...

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Guess who got shit done today

Not me lmao but congrats to whoever did

Thanos goes to his urologist.

The urologist says, "Congrats Thanos, you now also have the kidney stone"

Tesla released a car air freshener last week...

It's called "Elon's musk".

- Congrats on Q3 Elon, enjoy my repost everyone that missed it.

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Man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of Jägermeister

Man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of Jägermeister.

The bartender looks at him and says "Wow 6 shots of Jäger! You must be celebrating something."

The man replies,"You bet I am! I am celebrating my first blow job."

"Hey congrats man!" says the Bartender "I'll get you a 7t...

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Guy orders 11 shots at a bar

Bartender says "What are you celebrating?"
Guys says "My first blowjob"
Bartenders says "Congrats, but why 11 shots?"
Guys says "I figured by the 11th the taste would be out of my mouth. "

First dirty joke I told my parents when I was 8. The punishment was worth it.

My girlfriend broke the news that she's pregnant

I responded, "Congrats, now you have something to remember me by."

Last night I bought my friend a lifetime supply of Peach Ice Cream

He has cancer, in Hospice, and the Doctors have given him two weeks tops.

Edit: Bit of a story to this. My friend is having trouble eating so I asked if I could get him anything. He mentioned that he really wants some Peach Ice Cream, but he knows it's out of season. So I went to one of those...

A woman was giving birth and the husband was away on a work trip, so she had her brother to accompany her.

She passed out whilst giving birth and when she woke up she was very worried. In her hospital the first thing they do after a baby is born is to name them. Her brother wasn't the smartest person in the room and she was understandably worried.

'Congrats mam you had twins, a boy and a girl!',...

Meanwhile, sorting posts by 'hot' almost looks like sorting them by 'top posts of all time'.

Congrats! I'm sure this means the jokes are getting better and better.

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Got something to celebrate?

A guy enters a bar and orders 6 bacardi coke's. Bartender asks if he has something to celebrate. ''Yes!'' says the guy, ''I had oral sex for the first time!''
Bartender: ''Nice, congrats! The 7th is on the house then!''
The guy: ''No thanks, if the taste sticks after 6 drinks, it wil after...

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So, a guy walks into a bar...

He tells the bartender that he wants 3 double vodkas with red bull straight up.

The bartender, making conversation, asks what the man is celebrating. The guy looks at the bartender for a moment and says, "my first blowjob".

The bartender tells him, "well, congrats, just for that, I wi...

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Pink Ping Pong Ball

A little boy named Marty was born one day to a wealthy family. On Marty's second birthday, his mom asked Marty what he wanted for his birthday. Marty said, "I want a pink ping pong ball!" Mom was confused why Marty wanted pink ping pong balls but agreed to buy them for her son's sake.

Fast f...

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Simple Truths 1 & 2

SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say,
"Congrats ".
But ...

There's an apartment with 4 floors...

... on the first floor there is an artist, on the second there's a plummer, the third there is a blind man, and on the fourth there is a woman taking a shower. The woman taking a shower hears a knock on the door, she gets out of the shower, puts her robe on and opens the door. It's the artist, "I ju...

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My buddy's first blow job

My buddy Matt walks into a bar goes up to the bartender and asks for 5 shots of whiskey.
Bartender looks wide eyed and says, "5 shots?! whats the occasion young fella?"
Matt says, "My first blow job"
Bartender replies, "First blow job eh? you know what? Ill give you a sixth shot, on the h...

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Guy walks into a bar…

Guy walks into a bar…

Orders 5 shots of tequila shoots them one after the other.

Bartender says “Are you celebrating?”

Guy says “Yup! Had my first blow job!”

Bartender says “Congrats! Here is one on the house.”

Guy shoots it, says “Six shots of tequila and i still ...

Putin and Medvedeev talking

- We need to change these time zones, they are giving me a big headache, says Putin
-Why? asks Medvedeev
-I'm calling Beijing to give my congrats for their national holiday and they tell me it's tomorrow. I call Warsaw to express my condolences for the airplane crash in Smolensk and they tell ...

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