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Congrats Jokes

Congrats Mac Miller!

1 week sober!

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

Congrats!

It's what people write when they can't spell properly Congrajulashons!

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When people rub your pregnant girl’s stomach and say congrats

But nobody tickles your balls and say well done

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When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats"

But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!"
Moral: hard work is never appreciated, only results matter

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My cake day joke - A man goes to a bar and orders 10 shots of jaeger. The bartender says wow, thats a lot, you celebrating?

The man says yes! My first blowjob!

The bartender says congrats! Why 10?

The man says *if that won't get the taste out, nothing will.*

Joe Biden is not my president. I didn't vote for him!!!

No seriously guys he's not my president. Im from Nepal. I didn't vote for him.

P.S. Congrats US for taking the first step towards undoing the 4 years of chaos.

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Congrats Trump!!

Your the first person to fuck Hillary since 1998

Congrats Amy Winehouse

on being 5 years sober

Congrats to Gaston on his award!

The No-Belle Prize.

Congrats! You're on the new game show, Serbia or Suburbia!

Contestant #1, who drinks vodka immediately when they get off work, because their country is falling apart?

Congrats to the National Gallery on receiving a substantial donation of French Impressionist and Eastern European artwork.

Which is to say ... they're getting Monet for nothing and the Czechs for free.

A cop stopped a car and said, “Congrats you just won $1000 for wearing your seatbelt!”

He replies,”Do u think I’m good enough to get a license?” Then a woman in the passenger seat said,”Don’t listen to him, he becomes a smartass when he’s drunk.” Someone else in the backseat says,”I knew we wouldn’t get too far with a stolen car.” Finally a knock comes from the trunk and someone says,...

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China started anal swabbing covid-19 patients for rapid results...

Step 1: Insert swab into butthole.
Step 2: Remove, and insert swab into nose.
Step 3: If you smelled it, congrats, you are COVID negative.


Results: Instantaneous.

Congrats to Ohio State, you didn't have the worst performance of the evening...

...Mariah Carey's got your back.

We hoped for a good clean World Cup Final.

But instead we got a Messi one.

Congrats to Argentina.

Smoking two cigarettes at once

A girl saw a guy smoking two cigarettes at once, she asked him why ? he replied that he smokes one for himself and one for his buddy in prison. Another day, the same girl saw that guy again smoking only one cigarette this time, she said : "Congrats! i'm verry happy for you and your friend ! he must ...

Everything's Big in Texas

A Texan goes to a bar and buys everyone a round of drinks, exclaiming that his wife has just given birth to their first child "a Texas sized" baby boy weighing 24 pounds.

Congrats came from all over the bar and folks saying "Wow"

Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bart...

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Guys first blow job ....

Guy goes into a bar and orders 4 taqueria shots and starts knocking them back.
Barman asks what’s up and the guy tells him he just had his first blowjob.

‘Congrats’ says the barman, ‘have another on me’.

‘No thanks’ says the guy, ‘if 4 shots won’t take the taste away another isn’t...

In a four story building, there live four residents, one for each floor.

On the first floor lives a Boxer. On the second, a professional football player. On the third, a blind man, and on the fourth, a beautiful woman.

One beautiful day, the woman is in the shower. She hears the doorbell ring, and she yells, “Who is it?” The person behind the door yells back, “Car...

Thanos goes to his urologist.

The urologist says, "Congrats Thanos, you now also have the kidney stone"

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A bloke walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila.

He downs them one after the other, slamming the glasses on the bar.

"Never seen anyone do that before, is it a special occasion?" asked the barman.

"Yeah" answered the bloke. "First blowjob today."

"Congrats" said the barman. "Have another one on the house."

"No thanks" r...

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Two men, Joe and bob, both virgins, died and went to heaven.

God introduces them to the heaven!
“Congrats, you get to enjoy eternal life in heaven.
But you have one rule, never eat apples from the forbidden tree” As god pointed to the tree full of delicious apples.

“Uh, what happens if someone eats from it?” Asked Joe.
God replies, “well, um,...

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A man walks into a bar and says loudly, "Bartender, six shots!"

The bartender looks at him and says, "Wow six shots, whats the occasion?" The man replies , "First blowjob!"

The bartender then pours him a seventh shot and says, "Congrats man, this ones on me."

The man then says , "Man if six shots cant get the taste out of my mouth I don't know wh...

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Getting success is like getting pregnent

Everybody congrats u but no body knows how many time u got fucked up :’)

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A man walks into a bar. He orders 4 shots of whiskey from the bar. He drinks them. The bartender pours another 4, which he drinks. The bartender- "You seem to be in a really good mood!" The customer- "I'm pretty excited abut my first blowjob!" The bartender says "Congrats, have another shot on me!"

The customer replies "No thanks, if 8 shots of whiskey won't get rid of the taste, I don't think 9 will either!"

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Guy walks into the bar and asks for a double shot of tequila. Bartender pours it and immediately the guy drinks. Guy then immediately asks for another double, bartender pours it and guy drinks immediately. The bartender in shock that he drank the shots so quickly asks"whoa, what are you celebrating?

Guy " I just experienced my first blowjob"

Bartender "Congrats, this ones on me bud"

Guy drinks it "Thank you"

Bartender " so how was it?"

Guy " Not bad, but I'm still trying to get the taste out my mouth"

My girlfriend broke the news that she's pregnant

I responded, "Congrats, now you have something to remember me by."

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Man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of Jägermeister

Man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of Jägermeister.

The bartender looks at him and says "Wow 6 shots of Jäger! You must be celebrating something."

The man replies,"You bet I am! I am celebrating my first blow job."

"Hey congrats man!" says the Bartender "I'll get you a 7t...

A soldier rushes to his captain and says: "one enemy ship is approaching us"

Captain Replies “David, Go Bring My Red Shirt”

Soldier Gets Shirt For His Captain.

Enemy Ship Comes In, Heavy Rounds Of Fire Are Exchanged.

Finally The Captain Wins.

Soldier Asks: “Congrats Sir, But Why The Red Shirt?”

Captain Replies: “If I Got Injured Then My Blo...

Tesla released a car air freshener last week...

It's called "Elon's musk".

- Congrats on Q3 Elon, enjoy my repost everyone that missed it.

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Guy orders 11 shots at a bar

Bartender says "What are you celebrating?"
Guys says "My first blowjob"
Bartenders says "Congrats, but why 11 shots?"
Guys says "I figured by the 11th the taste would be out of my mouth. "

First dirty joke I told my parents when I was 8. The punishment was worth it.

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender to line him up 10 shots of his strongest liquor on the counter.

The man proceeds to down all 10 shots in a matter of minutes. The bartender asks him “what’s the special occasion” and the guy responds “I just got my first blowjob”. The bartender responds “congrats, here have a shot on the house”. The guy says “no thanks, if 10 shots won’t get the taste out of my ...

There's an apartment with 4 floors...

... on the first floor there is an artist, on the second there's a plummer, the third there is a blind man, and on the fourth there is a woman taking a shower. The woman taking a shower hears a knock on the door, she gets out of the shower, puts her robe on and opens the door. It's the artist, "I ju...

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Simple Truths 1 & 2

SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say,
"Congrats ".
But ...

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Got something to celebrate?

A guy enters a bar and orders 6 bacardi coke's. Bartender asks if he has something to celebrate. ''Yes!'' says the guy, ''I had oral sex for the first time!''
Bartender: ''Nice, congrats! The 7th is on the house then!''
The guy: ''No thanks, if the taste sticks after 6 drinks, it wil after...

A woman was giving birth and the husband was away on a work trip, so she had her brother to accompany her.

She passed out whilst giving birth and when she woke up she was very worried. In her hospital the first thing they do after a baby is born is to name them. Her brother wasn't the smartest person in the room and she was understandably worried.

'Congrats mam you had twins, a boy and a girl!',...

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Life lessons

1. Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.

2. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

3. What is the difference betwee...

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My buddy's first blow job

My buddy Matt walks into a bar goes up to the bartender and asks for 5 shots of whiskey.
Bartender looks wide eyed and says, "5 shots?! whats the occasion young fella?"
Matt says, "My first blow job"
Bartender replies, "First blow job eh? you know what? Ill give you a sixth shot, on the h...

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So, a guy walks into a bar...

He tells the bartender that he wants 3 double vodkas with red bull straight up.

The bartender, making conversation, asks what the man is celebrating. The guy looks at the bartender for a moment and says, "my first blowjob".

The bartender tells him, "well, congrats, just for that, I wi...

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