My doctor prescribed anti-gloating ointment.

I can't wait to rub it in.

What is a Scottish snack that is gloated about?

Braggis

My Dad is from the old school,

......where you keep your money under the mattress–only he kept his in the underwear drawer. One day I bought my dad an unusual personal safe–a can of spray paint with a false bottom–so he could keep his money in the workshop. Later I asked Mom if he was using it.
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “he put...

I bought a rowing machine even after my wife said I'd never use it.

The joke's on her. I'm in great shape now, and all I do is row, row, row and gloat.

I know this guy, who's constantly gloating...

He inherited this ancient ming dynasty table from a dead relative and he wouldn't shut up about it. He didn't even seem to care that a family member had died. So one day I went over to his place to see this "amazing, priceless table" and when he went to the bathroom I sawed off all of it's legs. He ...

My Neighbour works in Fashion and was gloating they look at attractive people for a living, so I replied so do I.

... I work in a store that sells mirrors.

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Three men are standing at the pearly gates...

St. Peter tells them, "As you all know God has a sense of humor and his latest idea is to put the Kingdom of Heaven several hundred miles from the Pearly Gates."
"How is that supposed to be funny?" one guy asks.
"Well, God had the novel idea of allowing those admitted into Heaven a vehicle to...

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The cocky exponential function e^x is strolling along the road insulting the functions he sees walking by.

He scoffs at a wandering polynomial for the shortness of its Taylor series. He snickers at a passing smooth function of compact support and its glaring lack of a convergent power series about many of its points. He positively laughs as he passes |x| for being nondifferentiable at the origin. He smil...

An engineer dies and goes to heaven.

When he arrives St. Peter looks at the book and scratches his head. He says 'You were involved in some great civil engineering projects so I ought to let you into heaven but you were also involved in weapons programs that resulted in great loss of life' 'I am sorry but you will have to go to hell'. ...

An engineer dies.

He proceeds up to the pearly gates and approaches Saint Peter. Saint Peter checks his list, but does not see the engineer. The engineer says, "I have lived my entire life for good, there must be some sort of mistake!" But Saint Peter won't hear it, and sends him to hell.

When he gets to he...

A detective and his partner were tracking a thief--their two suspects were an Eskimo and a Canadian.

The detective had told his partner he knew it was the Eskimo, but he didn't have any hard evidence to support his theory.

Finally, at a stakeout, they caught the criminal in the act--and sure enough, as they emerged from the shadows, the perpetrator was the Eskimo. Vindicated, the detective...

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The story of Rolph Louie, the worst basketball player to ever make it to the NBA.

There was once a basketball player named Rolph Louie, who somehow made his way into the Chicago Bulls. This decision to pick up Rolph for the roster made no sense to anybody; it baffled the commentators, the fans and even the players on the team. Rolph could barely dribble a ball...

In 99% of...

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A German sits alone in a bar, drinking, when a Korean walks in...

A German sits alone in a bar, drinking his sorrows away when a Korean walks in and sits right next to him. The German lets out a deep sigh in anticipation of the gloating.

Korean guy: “Let’s not talk about soccer, alright?”

The German looks up: “Oh... ok! That would be nice for a chang...

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A Filipino taxi driver fetched a Japanese tourist visiting the Philippines at the airport.

As the taxi they rode in motored along the highway, a Suzuki cargo truck sped way past them.

JAPANESE TOURIST: (Proudly beaming) Ah! A Suzuki truck made in my country Japan...**very fast!**
FILIPINO TAXI DRIVER: (Thinking to himself, feeling slightly annoyed) Damn, so it is true the Japa...

A big-city lawyer was representing.....

......the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room ...

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Three friends decide to sell their three ducks...

The first man takes his duck, knocks on a stranger's door, and says "Hello ma'am, would you like to buy my duck?" The woman says, "Sure I will give you $5 for your duck." The man says "Great" and they make the exchange.

The second friend goes up to another house, knocks and asks the owner if...

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Drunk guy and the Nun

A drunk guy comes out of a pub and sees a nun walkin on the other side of the street. So he carefully crosses the road and walks straight up to her and kicks her in her crotch. He then proceeds to rain punches on her face. Before she really knows what is going on he pulls her back up and knocks her ...

What has four legs, two horns, and always brags about climbing really tall things?

A mountain gloat.

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Calculus

The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven years ago in a huge lecture hall (approximately 1000 students) for a Calculus final. Apparently this particular calculus teacher wasn't very well
liked. He was one of those guys who would stand at the front of the class and yell out how mu...

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The Election was tied....

The US Presidential election of 2016 had been over for weeks. Every single ballot had been counted and tabulated, the Electoral College had cast their votes, and after every avenue had been exhausted, it was unequivocally a dead heat. Both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton turned to the Supreme Court...

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A Sexy Joke

During a night of passionate love making from a couple of German newlyweds, a group of sperm travel, all with the hope to be the one to fertilize the egg. A pair of sperm find themselves in a heated argument:

"I vill be the one who gets there first, after all, I am from the left testicle, we ...

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the three Paddys

Three blokes, all named Paddy, are down by the seashore one day when they spot a mermaid off in the distance.

The English Paddy says to his mates "watch this". He saunters over to the mermaid and asks "Excuse me, have you ever been kissed before?" She replies "Why no", whereupon he proceeds t...

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