UPJOKE
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Honey, I look in the mirror and all I see is a fat, ugly, old man. I need you to pay me a compliment.

Ok. Your eyesight is damn near perfect!

- Norm MacDonald

I saw a couple wearing the same clothes the other day, so I went and compliment them.

They arrested me.

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Complimenting the wife

An Irish man's wife is standing naked in front of the mirror, looking at her body and feeling distraught by what she sees.

"Oh Paddy, look at me! I'm hideous! I'm overweight, me tits are saggy and me hair's starting to go grey.

"Could you please pay me a compliment to make me feel bett...

I always seem to say the wrong thing. For example yesterday I complimented my best friend's moustache.

Now she's not talking to me.

What would both a recovering alchoholic and a dominatrix take as a compliment?

"I'm very impressed with your restraint."

My wife spoke to me while staring into her mirror, she said 'I'm old, getting fat and look like I haven't slept for a week, I need a compliment'

I said 'Your eyesight is perfect'

I was recently complimented on my driving skills

Someone left a note on my car that said "Parking Fine"

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today..

They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

I was feeling sad the other day so I asked my friend to compliment me.

He called me a water hole, but I'm sure he meant well.

The other day,Grandpa heard his 18 years old grand son complimenting his girlfriend on how good she gives head.

Just after the call, grandpa queried his grand son "son, what's meant by giving head?" his son replied coyly "oh, it is just a jargon for giving suggestions". A fortnight came,the family was dinning when mom initiated a conversation between grandpa.
Mom:dad,since we're few days away from your bir...

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

I received a compliment today as I boarded the train.

The conductor said “first class rear, standard front”.

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Two American business men in the 1980s are visiting Tokyo, Japan to make a business deal with an electronics company

Sadly the CEO (Mr. Yamoto) had an unexpected issue to deal with at one of his factories and couldn't see the men that day, but had his COO (Mr. Hagino) not only invite the two Americans to join them for a round of golf the next day to discuss business, but also to show them around and keep them ent...

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The three hunters story

This is a joke my grandfather used to tell. He just passed away so I thought I'd share it here.

Three friends decided to take a hunting trip. The first friend was a genius and succeeded at everything he tried. The second friend was an average Joe and got through life just fine. The third fri...

So I asked my friend "What is something that sounds like a compliment but is actually an insult?"

To which he replied, " This is definitely a good question "



And then he left.

I hate it when you sincerely compliment someone's moustache

And suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

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How does Sapiosexuals compliment ass?

Smart ass

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”

Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

I once complimented a curvy woman who doesn't believe Earth is round.

She replied that it was very flattering.

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A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, " I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "your eyesight's damn near perfect."

He never even heard the shot

Got the best compliment from my doctor today

He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice

I get a lot of compliments about my feet...

Some say they're legends!...

Leg. Ends.

I'll see myself out!

What's the one compliment women hate to receive?

"Hey, nice moustache!"

Jacket

I've never been much on fashion, but got quite a few compliments on a new sports jacket I wore to work one day. My secretary asked me where I got it and I told her that it was a surprise from my wife. I went home early yesterday, and there it was, on the back of a kitchen chair.

Police ride along

A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along. As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for." I said prove it, so he started following...

My bank just complimented me

They called and told me my check was outstanding! I felt so proud

What do you call an insult the recipient thinks is a compliment?

A jab well done!

You Da Bomb! No, you Da Bomb!

In the US, a compliment.

In the middle east, an argument.

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A compliment will make your whole day

But anal will make your hole weak

A minister was making farewell visits before moving to a new parish.

An elderly woman of the congregation paid him the compliment of suggesting that his successor would not be as good as he had been.

“Nonsense,” he replied, flattered.

“No, really,” she insisted. *“I’ve lived here under six different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the la...

Putin brings a flight attendant back to his dacha

While attending tea with an airline workers union, Russian president Putin notices one flight attendant hanging on his every word. He compliments her on her patriotism and brings her back for a tour of his dacha.

When they get there she says to him, “how about I be the Ukraine, and you invade...

How many compliments does it take to get to a guy's heart?

You guys are getting compliments?

>!one every five years or so!<

What does corn say when it gets a compliment?

Aw shucks!

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This lady friend got really mad at me for giving her a compliment

So I was hanging out with a friend of mine and she has been in a dark place lately. I thought I’d be nice and give her a compliment. Then all of a sudden the slaps me and leaves. Just like that.

I don’t really understand why she would do that. We’ve been friends for a while now and she is sup...

A good way to get a girls attention is to compliment her

As in: "You are a fast runner, you nearly got away."

My boss pulled up to work in his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied:

"Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air ...

I know my friend loves my Batman impressions, but that doesn't mean he has to compliment me all the time.

Every single time I say "I'm here to fight for truth, justice, and the American way," he says, "That's super, man!"

The other day I asked my younger cousin if he’d rather get $1 for complimenting a stranger or $10 for insulting a stranger

In that instant he looked me in the eye and called me a “Freak of nature”. I quickly reminded him that I’m not a stranger because we know each other. To which he replies “There’s nobody stranger than you”

What did the dough say to the rolling pin after receiving a compliment?

You flatter me.

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How many guys in the friendzone does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just stand around and compliment it, and then get pissed when it won't screw

A knight was complimenting a blacksmith on his armor crafting skills

The blacksmith responded, "It is my strong suit"

The great horrors of war..

A nun is walking through the church courtyard when a soldier comes running up to her.

The soldier says, "Sister, quickly! May I please hide under your skirt? My lieutenant is looking for me and I know he is going to send me to Syria!"

The nun replies, "Why of course, it's an emergency!...

Bomb Compliments

“You da bomb!”

“No, you da bomb!”

It’s a compliment in America but an argument in Al Quaida meeting.

Regretting the compliment...

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Really! Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

I need a compliment

*Wife:* I'm so ugly, fat and poorly dressed honey, I need a compliment to make me feel better.

*Husband:* Well, you do have a perfect eyesight sweety.

I made a genuine compliment about a co-workers mustache

I don't know why she made such a big deal about it to HR.

Everyone was complimenting how great my beard looked tonight.

I don't think "yeah she does look great" was the right answer.

At my executive chef job a couple called me out to compliment me for cooking their steak thoroughly with no pink inside.

It’s always nice to be recognized for a job well done.

A compliment on someone’s intelligence...

‘You’ve got more brains than Kurt Cobains garage roof’

A girl is looking in the mirror feeling very self-conscious about her body. She tells her boyfriend laying on the bed that she feels fat and if he could give her a compliment to feel better.

The boyfriend says “Your eyesight is perfect.”

Never compliment your friend's moustache

No matter how good it looks on her face

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I asked my wife to give me a compliment and insult me at the same time

After thinking for 5 seconds, she said: Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick.

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I've built a beautiful house and get complimented on it

But people are always shocked when they find out how crap an electrician I am.

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I used to think my ex hated me, but she just paid me a compliment...

She said I was the biggest dick she ever slept with.

I complimented the toilet.

It flushed.

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I am very happy with my wife. She likes to compliment me from time to time.....

Otherday she was telling me that I have the biggest cock among my friends.

People are rude. You make a compliment on someone's moustache and you get yelled at:

that woman was so ungrateful...

A young man approaches a fisherman standing in the river...

He waves to the fisherman and says, "Wow, great pole you've got there!"

The fisherman smiles, gives a slight nod, and says, "thank you!"

\- "And man, that's some of the coolest tackle I've ever seen!"

Smile, nod, "thank you!"

"Some high-quality bait, too."

Big smi...

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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

My wife doesn't realize I'm not complimenting her cooking

When I say "you remind me of Gordon Ramsay"

A girl goes up to you and compliments you.

That was the joke.

Today, my dad complimented me on my parking skills

I’m still shaking

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An American businessman goes to Japan for the meeting of his career.

He arrives a day early to prepare for the meeting, he tries some sushi and sake at a local restaurant. Feeling tempted to try more "local cuisine" he hires an escort for the evening. Night falls and he takes his escort up to his hotel room for some fun, he gives her all he's got and he knows she's l...

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You have to compliment boobs like a Christmas tree

If they're real, tell them they look fake. If they're fake, tell them they look real

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As Farmer Brown approached his neighbor’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments. “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown demanded. Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and I have been having marital difficulties and the marital counselor said I needed to do something..."

"...sexy to a tractor.”

Bought my dad a Zippo for Christmas

It'll compliment the cigarettes he went out for 22 years ago.

Still wrapped from last year.

The best compliment.

Once at a party, the hostess paid me a nice compliment. “You are a good-looking guy,” she said. “Honest! I’ve had only one shot of vodka.” she said, looking at my bemused expression.

My glow was only slightly dimmed when my wife interjected, “Imagine how great he’ll look after two.”

How To Compliment An Attractive Person You’re Into After Hearing Their Age

Yes ✓ : “25? I thought you were 20!”



No ✕ : “25? I though you were 12!”

How can I pay my compliments to the doctor who circumcised me?

I just feel like leaving a tip wasn't enough.

I like my compliments the way I like my steak.

Well done.

I just complimented someone’s mustache

and suddenly I’m not friends with her anymore. :(

The worst thing you can hear is a whispered compliment.

^^^^^you ^^^^^have ^^^^^a ^^^^^purdy ^^^^^mouth ^^^^^boy

I hate that whenever people talk about the Middle East, they compliment themselves.

We get it. You raq. Move on.

My girl classmate complimented me on my looks ar school today

Then I remembered it was the first of April

Someone complimented me that I have a heart of a LION

On an unrelated note... Do they have CCTV cameras in the zoo??

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My wife and I stopped by the optician's to pick up my new glasses.

Once the optician finished he minor adjustments, my wife looked up at me and said, "Wow, you look amazing! Like Clark Kent!" It made me smile...

We had other errands to run, and the compliments just kept coming; "You look like a movie star! So sexy!" Man, I felt great. In fact this kept up f...

How do you compliment a scarecrow?

Tell him he's outstanding in his field!

Hey guys, What's the best compliment you can give to a girl you're flirting with?

"You remind me of my cousin"

But, it only works in Kentucky.

(X-post) Elevators give really great compliments.

They're so uplifting.

Today I was fired from my job…

I was on a business trip with the young attractive CFO of my company. We checked in at the hotel around the same time and took the elevator up together. After noticing that she was heading to the highest floor, reserved exclusively for their most frequent guests who have stayed with them for over a ...

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Biz trip

American businessman lands in Tokyo, goes to his very fancy hotel to prepare for his meeting with the CEO of the countries largest corporation to be held at japans finest golf course the next day. As he checks in the hotels concierge asks him if he desires company for the evening stating that it’s o...

Why was the train engineer always complimenting his train?

It was esteem powered.

My girlfriend told me that she looked fat, and wanted me to give her a compliment...

I told her that her eyesight was outstanding.

Someone once complimented me for my really poor vocabulary.

I was at a loss for words.

A Scottish, fedora-wearing art professor complimented his Scandinavian student.

"Nice skies, Finnish lass!"

Why did the global warming activist compliment the earth?

Cause it looked hotter than usual! (I'll see myself out)

A Man Compliments His Wife.

One night, a wife and her husband are laying in the bed with nothing but silence between them.

The wife glances over to her husband and asks: "You know, I've always wondered how you would briefly describe me. You did marry me afterall".

The husband ponders her question and then says: "...

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I posted myself drawing a perfect freehand ellipse on r/gifs. Everyone loved it and started trying themselves. We were all complimenting each others steady hands, when one guy commented, "circle jerk!".

"What an idiot", I thought and replied, "oval, you moron!"

Pi compliment

Wow, you look radian today.

What expression is considered a compliment for Americans but an argument for Muslims?

"You the bomb!"

"No, you the bomb!"

What did the host say after her guest complimented her on her tea?

Thanks, it's my special tea.

Here's a bit of family-friendly ADD humor, compliments of my wife and daughter

So, my wife, children, and myself were out in town the other day. My wife was reprimanding our daughter for not listening and for not paying attention to things going on. The conversation went as follows (names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved):

Jane (wife): Jill, I ...

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