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Compliment Jokes

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”

Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

Give me a compliment.

A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband: "I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".

"I got a compliment on my driving today," said a blonde to her friend.

There was a note left on my windshield that said "parking fine".

How do you compliment a hooker?

Thank you for your cervix.

My wife spoke to me while staring into her mirror, she said 'I'm old, getting fat and look like I haven't slept for a week, I need a compliment'

I said 'Your eyesight is perfect'

„Honey, I feel so ugly and fat, I really need a compliment from you...“

„Babe, your observation skills are really good.“

Regretting the compliment...

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Really! Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

What would be the best compliment to someone who loves running?

"You look dashing." lol >w<

I received a compliment today as I boarded the train.

The conductor said “first class rear, standard front”.

Compliment somebody on their moustache

and all of a sudden she is not your friend anymore.

I was feeling sad the other day so I asked my friend to compliment me.

He called me a water hole, but I'm sure he meant well.

What's the difference between a car and a compliment?

I don't hit people with compliments very often.

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”
...

What would both a recovering alchoholic and a dominatrix take as a compliment?

"I'm very impressed with your restraint."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No Sex Tonight!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

So I asked my friend "What is something that sounds like a compliment but is actually an insult?"

To which he replied, " This is definitely a good question "



And then he left.

Honey, I look in the mirror and all I see is a fat, ugly, old man. I need you to pay me a compliment.

Ok. Your eyesight is damn near perfect!

- Norm MacDonald

I saw a couple wearing the same clothes the other day, so I went and compliment them.

They arrested me.

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

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A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, " I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "your eyesight's damn near perfect."

He never even heard the shot

A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.

As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for."

I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believ...

A good way to get a girls attention is to compliment her

As in: "You are a fast runner, you nearly got away."

You compliment someone's mustache...

...and the next thing you know, out of the blue, she stops talking to you.

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A compliment will make your whole day

But anal will make your hole weak

I know my friend loves my Batman impressions, but that doesn't mean he has to compliment me all the time.

Every single time I say "I'm here to fight for truth, justice, and the American way," he says, "That's super, man!"

What do you call an insult the recipient thinks is a compliment?

A jab well done!

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This lady friend got really mad at me for giving her a compliment

So I was hanging out with a friend of mine and she has been in a dark place lately. I thought I’d be nice and give her a compliment. Then all of a sudden the slaps me and leaves. Just like that.

I don’t really understand why she would do that. We’ve been friends for a while now and she is sup...

What did the dough say to the rolling pin after receiving a compliment?

You flatter me.

How do you compliment a Venezuelan girl?

Tell her she looks like a trillion bucks.

What does corn say when it gets a compliment?

Aw shucks!

Never compliment your friend's moustache

No matter how good it looks on her face

I made a genuine compliment about a co-workers mustache

I don't know why she made such a big deal about it to HR.

My boss pulled up to work in his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied:

"Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

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I am very happy with my wife. She likes to compliment me from time to time.....

Otherday she was telling me that I have the biggest cock among my friends.

At my executive chef job a couple called me out to compliment me for cooking their steak thoroughly with no pink inside.

It’s always nice to be recognized for a job well done.

A compliment on someone’s intelligence...

‘You’ve got more brains than Kurt Cobains garage roof’

If you want to get a girl's attention, just compliment them

Like: Wow! You're a fast runner. Almost got away!


Credits: Jimmy Carr

A girl is looking in the mirror feeling very self-conscious about her body. She tells her boyfriend laying on the bed that she feels fat and if he could give her a compliment to feel better.

The boyfriend says “Your eyesight is perfect.”

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I used to think my ex hated me, but she just paid me a compliment...

She said I was the biggest dick she ever slept with.

People are rude. You make a compliment on someone's moustache and you get yelled at:

that woman was so ungrateful...

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I asked my wife to give me a compliment and insult me at the same time

After thinking for 5 seconds, she said: Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick.

How To Compliment An Attractive Person You’re Into After Hearing Their Age

Yes ✓ : “25? I thought you were 20!”



No ✕ : “25? I though you were 12!”

The best compliment.

Once at a party, the hostess paid me a nice compliment. “You are a good-looking guy,” she said. “Honest! I’ve had only one shot of vodka.” she said, looking at my bemused expression.

My glow was only slightly dimmed when my wife interjected, “Imagine how great he’ll look after two.”

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You have to compliment boobs like a Christmas tree

If they're real, tell them they look fake. If they're fake, tell them they look real

“You da bomb!” “No, you da bomb!” In America – a compliment.

In the Middle East – an argument.

One morning Snow White said to her prince, "I haven't visited the seven dwarves in ages. I think I'll visit them for a week."

The next day, Snow white came back to the castle in a huff.

"Why are you back so early?" asked the prince.

"Grumpy harassed me," replied Snow White.

"What happened?"

"Well, as soon as I entered the cottage, he told me my hair smelled nice."

"That doesn't sound like...

I hate that whenever people talk about the Middle East, they compliment themselves.

We get it. You raq. Move on.

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

How do you compliment a scarecrow?

Tell him he's outstanding in his field!

My girlfriend told me that she looked fat, and wanted me to give her a compliment...

I told her that her eyesight was outstanding.

Hey guys, What's the best compliment you can give to a girl you're flirting with?

"You remind me of my cousin"

But, it only works in Kentucky.

Pi compliment

Wow, you look radian today.

What expression is considered a compliment for Americans but an argument for Muslims?

"You the bomb!"

"No, you the bomb!"

People need to learn how to take a compliment...

Just today I complimented the most epic mustache I've ever seen and the lady didn't even say thanks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Complimenting the wife

An Irish man's wife is standing naked in front of the mirror, looking at her body and feeling distraught by what she sees.

"Oh Paddy, look at me! I'm hideous! I'm overweight, me tits are saggy and me hair's starting to go grey.

"Could you please pay me a compliment to make me feel bett...

Women on dating apps give me compliments all the time

One time this girl told me "you are unmatched"

My bank just complimented me

They called and told me my check was outstanding! I felt so proud

A rookie cop is being trained by his sergeant

Unfortunately it's a pretty slow day. Finally the sergeant says "Okay, here's a hint. Pick a car and just follow him around. Before long he's bound to make a mistake, and you can pull him over for that." So the sergeant selects a car, and starts following it.

Unfortunately, it doesn't wor...

Why does a fat man when squeezed compliment the ladies?

Because the pressure makes him flatter.

What do you call a waffle on a California beach?

A Sandy Eggo.
- Compliments of my cousin's 6 year old daughter (She says "Hi" by the way).

-EDIT: Wow, this blew up a lot more than I thought it would. My first gold and my first post to make it to the front page. You are too kind, Reddit.

I get a lot of compliments about my feet...

Some say they're legends!...

Leg. Ends.

I'll see myself out!

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air ...

A parishioner compliments the minister after a sermon, saying, "Reverend, your words today were akin to the peace and love of God."

"Thank you," responds the minister, "Why do you say that?"

The parishioner explains, " Because the peace of God passes all understanding, and the love of God endures forever."

I complimented the toilet.

It flushed.

I like the way my friend Sam's mustache looks, so I figured I'd say something nice.

I don't understand why she's mad at me over a compliment.

I once complimented a curvy woman who doesn't believe Earth is round.

She replied that it was very flattering.

I always seem to say the wrong thing. For example yesterday I complimented my best friend's moustache.

Now she's not talking to me.

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