I was recently complimented on my driving skills

Someone left a note on my car that said "Parking Fine"

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today..

They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

I once complimented a curvy woman who doesn't believe Earth is round.

She replied that it was very flattering.

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex

The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest...

I received a compliment today as I boarded the train.

The conductor said “first class rear, standard front”.

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How does Sapiosexuals compliment ass?

Smart ass

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A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, " I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "your eyesight's damn near perfect."

He never even heard the shot

What's the one compliment women hate to receive?

"Hey, nice moustache!"

I'm horrible at funerals.

Whenever I'm at funerals for some reason no one ever likes my speeches. You see, when i go up to the podium speak about the deceased, i like to compliment their intelligence. "He knew too much" is what i usually say. Not sure why people give me the funny looks there, and I'm usually kicked out when ...

So I asked my friend "What is something that sounds like a compliment but is actually an insult?"

To which he replied, " This is definitely a good question "



And then he left.

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An American businessman goes to Japan for the meeting of his career.

He arrives a day early to prepare for the meeting, he tries some sushi and sake at a local restaurant. Feeling tempted to try more "local cuisine" he hires an escort for the evening. Night falls and he takes his escort up to his hotel room for some fun, he gives her all he's got and he knows she's l...

Got the best compliment from my doctor today

He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”

Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

I hate it when you sincerely compliment someone's moustache

And suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

My bank just complimented me

They called and told me my check was outstanding! I felt so proud

How many compliments does it take to get to a guy's heart?

You guys are getting compliments?

>!one every five years or so!<

I get a lot of compliments about my feet...

Some say they're legends!...

Leg. Ends.

I'll see myself out!

What do you call an insult the recipient thinks is a compliment?

A jab well done!

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A compliment will make your whole day

But anal will make your hole weak

SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus, but did you know TUBA is also an acronym? Yeah really. It stands for Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.

Compliments of Hank Green

The whole story

It was evident from the start that Joe Bob was kind but wasn’t very bright. His bumbling and stumbling often irritated people greatly, and so, they became impatient with him. Joe Bob’s mother worried endlessly for her son until one day she went to seek the advice of a wise old woman that lived in a ...

What does corn say when it gets a compliment?

Aw shucks!

I know my friend loves my Batman impressions, but that doesn't mean he has to compliment me all the time.

Every single time I say "I'm here to fight for truth, justice, and the American way," he says, "That's super, man!"

Bomb Compliments

“You da bomb!”

“No, you da bomb!”

It’s a compliment in America but an argument in Al Quaida meeting.

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air ...

The other day I asked my younger cousin if he’d rather get $1 for complimenting a stranger or $10 for insulting a stranger

In that instant he looked me in the eye and called me a “Freak of nature”. I quickly reminded him that I’m not a stranger because we know each other. To which he replies “There’s nobody stranger than you”

A knight was complimenting a blacksmith on his armor crafting skills

The blacksmith responded, "It is my strong suit"

A good way to get a girls attention is to compliment her

As in: "You are a fast runner, you nearly got away."

My boss pulled up to work in his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied:

"Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

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Am i gay?

While watching movies with my girlfriend i sometimes compliment male actors on their good, and sometimes outrageous good looks. My girlfriend often asks me, since i do this alot, ”are you gay?” and that she’s worried i will leave her for a man. So, am i gay? Or am i just comfortable enough with my s...

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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

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This lady friend got really mad at me for giving her a compliment

So I was hanging out with a friend of mine and she has been in a dark place lately. I thought I’d be nice and give her a compliment. Then all of a sudden the slaps me and leaves. Just like that.

I don’t really understand why she would do that. We’ve been friends for a while now and she is sup...

Job searching is a lot like dating

Every company wants you to give them unique compliments when you're being interviewed or else they don't think you mean it.

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Dirty Johnny

A teacher is teaching class one day and tells her students 'today I'm going to say a letter of the alphabet and I want you to give me a word that starts with that letter'

"The first letter is 'A'"

Dirty Johnny's hand flies up.

'No' the teacher thinks 'he's gonna say"ass". A mom...

What did the dough say to the rolling pin after receiving a compliment?

You flatter me.

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I've built a beautiful house and get complimented on it

But people are always shocked when they find out how crap an electrician I am.

Everyone was complimenting how great my beard looked tonight.

I don't think "yeah she does look great" was the right answer.

My wife doesn't realize I'm not complimenting her cooking

When I say "you remind me of Gordon Ramsay"

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I sincerely complimented someones moustache today....

And she bitch slapped the shit outta me

Never compliment your friend's moustache

No matter how good it looks on her face

A girl goes up to you and compliments you.

That was the joke.

Teacher: "What is a compliment to a 45 degree angle?"

Student: "My you're looking acute today."

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As Farmer Brown approached his neighbor’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments. “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown demanded. Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and I have been having marital difficulties and the marital counselor said I needed to do something..."

"...sexy to a tractor.”

I need a compliment

*Wife:* I'm so ugly, fat and poorly dressed honey, I need a compliment to make me feel better.

*Husband:* Well, you do have a perfect eyesight sweety.

What did one mushroom say to compliment the other mushroom?

“You’re a fungi.”

Rumor has it that Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin decided to team up with NASA to fake the moon landing together, but to make it look as realistic as possible, they urged NASA to film on location.

Compliments of Neil De Grasse Tyson

I complimented the toilet.

It flushed.

A man walks into a bar and it’s empty – it’s just him and the bartender.

He sits down and orders a drink.

After a few seconds, he hears someone whisper, “Pssst… I like your tie.”

The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone.

“Pssst… that color looks nice on you.”

He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?”

The barte...

I made a genuine compliment about a co-workers mustache

I don't know why she made such a big deal about it to HR.

At my executive chef job a couple called me out to compliment me for cooking their steak thoroughly with no pink inside.

It’s always nice to be recognized for a job well done.

How can I pay my compliments to the doctor who circumcised me?

I just feel like leaving a tip wasn't enough.

A girl is looking in the mirror feeling very self-conscious about her body. She tells her boyfriend laying on the bed that she feels fat and if he could give her a compliment to feel better.

The boyfriend says “Your eyesight is perfect.”

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I used to think my ex hated me, but she just paid me a compliment...

She said I was the biggest dick she ever slept with.

Today, my dad complimented me on my parking skills

I’m still shaking

Men throw insults at each other, but they don't really mean them.

Women compliment each other, but they don't mean it either.

A compliment on someone’s intelligence...

‘You’ve got more brains than Kurt Cobains garage roof’

Regretting the compliment...

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Really! Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

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I asked my wife to give me a compliment and insult me at the same time

After thinking for 5 seconds, she said: Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick.

People are rude. You make a compliment on someone's moustache and you get yelled at:

that woman was so ungrateful...

I just complimented someone’s mustache

and suddenly I’m not friends with her anymore. :(

Someone complimented me that I have a heart of a LION

On an unrelated note... Do they have CCTV cameras in the zoo??

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Jenny just got out of the shower, and was wearing just a towel, when the doorbell rang

She answered the door, and it was their neighbor, Ted. Ted says, "Oh my god Jenny, you look so sexy, in nothing but that towel."

She appreciates the compliment, but feels a bit uneasy, when Ted continues, "I'll tell you what - I'll give you $500 cash right now to drop that towel and show me ...

I like my compliments like I like my eggs..

Well done.

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I am very happy with my wife. She likes to compliment me from time to time.....

Otherday she was telling me that I have the biggest cock among my friends.

The best compliment.

Once at a party, the hostess paid me a nice compliment. “You are a good-looking guy,” she said. “Honest! I’ve had only one shot of vodka.” she said, looking at my bemused expression.

My glow was only slightly dimmed when my wife interjected, “Imagine how great he’ll look after two.”

My girl classmate complimented me on my looks ar school today

Then I remembered it was the first of April

How To Compliment An Attractive Person You’re Into After Hearing Their Age

Yes ✓ : “25? I thought you were 20!”



No ✕ : “25? I though you were 12!”

Someone once complimented me for my really poor vocabulary.

I was at a loss for words.

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A necrophile "You're dead to me."

I don't know if thats a threat or a compliment, either way I know I am fucked.

A Man Compliments His Wife.

One night, a wife and her husband are laying in the bed with nothing but silence between them.

The wife glances over to her husband and asks: "You know, I've always wondered how you would briefly describe me. You did marry me afterall".

The husband ponders her question and then says: "...

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You have to compliment boobs like a Christmas tree

If they're real, tell them they look fake. If they're fake, tell them they look real

Why was the train engineer always complimenting his train?

It was esteem powered.

A wife told her husband she looks fat so she asked for a compliment

Her husband instantly compliments her saying "you have excellent eyesight."

The worst thing you can hear is a whispered compliment.

^^^^^you ^^^^^have ^^^^^a ^^^^^purdy ^^^^^mouth ^^^^^boy

Hey guys, What's the best compliment you can give to a girl you're flirting with?

"You remind me of my cousin"

But, it only works in Kentucky.

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And then the fight started . . .

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'
  
And then the fight started...

----------

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do yo...

Here's a bit of family-friendly ADD humor, compliments of my wife and daughter

So, my wife, children, and myself were out in town the other day. My wife was reprimanding our daughter for not listening and for not paying attention to things going on. The conversation went as follows (names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved):

Jane (wife): Jill, I ...

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I posted myself drawing a perfect freehand ellipse on r/gifs. Everyone loved it and started trying themselves. We were all complimenting each others steady hands, when one guy commented, "circle jerk!".

"What an idiot", I thought and replied, "oval, you moron!"

A Scottish, fedora-wearing art professor complimented his Scandinavian student.

"Nice skies, Finnish lass!"

I hate that whenever people talk about the Middle East, they compliment themselves.

We get it. You raq. Move on.

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

Give a man a fish and he'll ask for chips.

Give a man chips and he'll beg for salt.

Give a man salt and he's going to want a drink.

Give a man enough drink, and he'll start complimenting your wife.

Give a man your wife and you can go fishing as much as you'd like.

How are you at taking back handed compliments?

I bet you're really good at it.

Got a great compliment from my doctor today

He told me my blood looked thin.

What did the sad baker say when his bread was complimented?

Thanks, I kneaded that.

Have You Ever Been Insulted And Complimented At The Same Time?

It’s amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. Recently, when I greeted my coworker, she said, “You look so gorgeous, I didn’t recognize you.”

What did the host say after her guest complimented her on her tea?

Thanks, it's my special tea.

How do you compliment a scarecrow?

Tell him he's outstanding in his field!

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A man has a parrot that likes to swear.

One night, a girl he's been dating for a while, is coming over to his place. So he grabs the parrot by the neck and tells him

"Listen you little shit, no swearing tonight, alright!? Also I will tie two string on your legs, and when the girl pull one of them I want you to come up with a compl...

My girlfriend told me that she looked fat, and wanted me to give her a compliment...

I told her that her eyesight was outstanding.

If I had a dollar for every time someone complimented my hair

I'd be making money in a really weird way

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