I screwed up paving my private road

It's my own dumb asphalt.

Parking Lot Needs Paving

So a town puts a bid notice in the paper to have a parking lot paved. Three guys show up.

First guy in is Polish. "Okay," says the mayor, "how much is your bid?"

Polish guy says, "A hundred thousand dollars."

Mayor says, "Could you break that down for me?"

Polish guy sa...

When my grandfather came to America he was told the streets were paved with gold

And when he got to America he found out three things:

1. That the streets were not paved with gold
2. That the streets were not paved
3. That he was gonna be the guy paving them

[old Shelley Berman joke, told by Lorne Michaels in Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee]

This is a joke that from several decades ago, and was recently shared with me

The local government just finished paving a highway, and is hiring crews to paint stripes down the middle. He hires a crew of 5 guys (the og joke says mexican but thats not pc) and one (used to be polish) guy (again, not pc).

The first day of painting goes by, and the crew of 5 paints two mil...

A wealthy businessman dies and is standing in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter meets him there and congratulates him on his success on earth. He says, "You know, its a shame that you have done so much and can't take it with you. I'm going to do something special just for you."

He hands the man a briefcase, saying, "I'm going to give you one day to go back down...

My wife has been keeping secrets from me.

I just built a fence and put down some paving. Turns out not only is she a master carpenter she's also an expert brick layer. If only I had known earlier I could have sought her advice before I did the work. It would have saved me from making all the obvious mistakes she pointed out after the work ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fella working at a Sherwin-Williams store has a particularly challenging customer one day.

It's a Saturday morning, so the shop is pretty busy; there's quite the line of people needing paint mixed up. This lady's completely out of place; dressed to the nines, talk-to-the-manager haircut, the works. She hands our man Joe a tiny paint chip and says, "I need this exact color. It has to be pe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So old man Charles is lying on his deathbed.

His great nephew Peter comes to see him, and Charles gets to talking about his life and rambling on, like old men do.

He points out the window and says "Pete, you see that road out there? I built that road myself before there was a town here. I cleared the forest, I leveled the land, I laid t...

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