UPJOKE
quartzfeldsparmagmabasaltlimestoneplutonintrusionigneous rocksandstonestonemicametamorphic rockmarbleconcretepotassium

I had to leave the granite industry

It was counter productive

I just realized my countertop is made of marble..

I have been taking it for granite all these years.

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A guy loses his penis in an accident.

He asks the doctor if there’s any hope of reconstruction. The doctor says “Sure. There have been a lot of medical advancements lately, but it’s not cheap.”

“How much does it cost?” asked the man.

“About $1,000 an inch. You should probably discuss this with your wife and let me know wha...

It dawned on me that I was being taken for granite

as I overheard my kidnappers negotiating my release for a set of quality countertops.

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This dude dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter sees him show up and says “Holy shit, you’re the first person that’s ever come up here that’s exactly at 50% good and 50% evil. Not sure if I should send you to Heaven or Hell. This is crazy. Tell you what, since you’re exactly even I’m gonna let you choose”.

The dude says “Oh, wow...

An ex stonemason spent his days pining for his old life.

He took it for granite.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We now have the technology to build a new penis.

Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The m...

(OC) I started stealing granite tops from peoples kitchens and replacing them with fakes...

I keep having troubles getting the counterfeit.

(Its probably been done before because the pun is so obvious but I haven't yet heard it.)

I had a stone that I thought was something else, but a geologist friend told me it was gneiss.

I'm afraid i took it for granite.

Rob Thomas

Rob Thomas's significant other complains about needing to do something new with their kitchen counters. He responds with "Let's go to Lowe's. I wanna take you for granite."

Don't date rocks

They'll take you for granite

funny questions & answer

1.Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

Ans - Because he felt crummy.



2 Why was the baby strawberry crying?

Ans - Because her mom and dad were in a jam.



3.What did the little corn say to the mama corn?

Ans - Where is pop corn?



4. How...

An Irishman and an Englishman find a lamp

Upon rubbing it a genie pops out and says For freeing me, I will grant you each one wish!"
The Englishman says "I love my country, but it's being ruined by foreigners. I wish a wall to be built around it so that no one else can get in."
The genie says, "Done. And you, Irishman?"
The Irishm...

Stone masons really take their work for granite

But their work is truly marblelous.



-credit goes to a post on r/memes

Did you hear about the marble statue with low self esteem?

She was taken for granite

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A woman is getting her home remodeled.

On the final day, she meets the designer on her front porch. He says, "Bonjour madam, are you ready to see your new home?"

They enter the house, and into the living room. It's stunning, but she's distracted by the coffee table.

"Everything is perfect," she says, "except for the c...

The Rock is divorcing his wife..

Because she takes him for granite.

Is lava wet?

Maybe so but I’m not taking it for granite.

Chuck Norris

They wanted to add Chuck Norris' face to Mount Rushmore, but the granite is not hard enough for his beard.

Three large trolls were sitting around the campfire discussing their health.

"My doctor tolt me I need to get meself some exercise. Good fer me heart. So I tossed 'im up high in there air. Daggum good exercise."

The next troll laughed, "If ye gots any heart at all, its as hard and cold as granite. My doctor tolt me I was lack toes intolrant. Ain't sure what 'e meant s...

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A grammar book walks into a bar

* An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

* A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

* A bar was walked into by the pass...

What do you call a fruit mixed with a stone that *isn’t* a stone fruit?

...Pome*granite.*

Trump reportedly asked to be added to Mount Rushmore

Turns out granite isn't a dense enough material to represent him

I really like rock puns.

They're something we shouldn't take for granite. I mean, they are pretty solid.

Let's just face it, geology rocks!


PS: I just hit rock bottom, didn't I?

As a rock salesman, I've had great success with money.

Sometimes I take it for granite.

Yosemite was made a national park...

so people wouldn't take it for granite.

Do you have a favorite material? Mines Limestone...

But a lot of people take it for granite

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Zeus is offering a seat in his Pantheon for the first person to complete his trials of strength.

An esteemed hero of all men approaches Olympus and thinks hey, why the hell not. If I lose I may be disappointed, but if I win I will join the legendary Gods of the Pantheon!

So he makes his way to Zeus, excited to see what is in store for him in order to prove his worth to the Gods. Along th...

I traded my countertop for a new marble one, but now I miss my old one.

It's like they always say, never take anything for granite

I used to think Pomegranate was a stone fruit...

Pom-a-granite

The kidnappers are blackmailing my dad to hand over his stone-cutting business for my safe return.

I was really taken for granite.

A joke I will always love

In the distant future when interstellar space travel is common place, scientists are traveling through galaxies to find life on other planets. On one planter many light years away, they find a giant granite statue statue of a man in a squatting position. Upon close inspection they find this statue i...

I thought I saw my ex today, but it was just a piece of feldspar.

Maybe she was right, maybe I did take her for granite.

My mom stole money from me to buy new countertops

She seriously needs to stop taking things for granite

What does quartz get tired of?

Being taken for granite.

Have you heard about the synthetic stone countertops that are half the price?

Don’t take them for granite.

Sometimes I forget how beautiful the mountains are.

I really take them for granite.

A contractor offered his client a choice of table tops made of various rock types.

Contractor: Here we’ve got some limestone. It’ll really bring the room together, man.

Client: I’m not too sure about that. It doesn’t wow me all that much.

Contractor: Well, I’ve got marble here. It’s pretty unique and could give you that one of a kind look you’re wanting.

Clien...

Tommo was a canary. [long]

Tommo was a canary. Like his father, and his father before him, Tommo worked in the granite mines. Every morning, he would perch upon the shoulder of his favorite miner, and descend down, down into the deep.

Tommo had a lovely wife canary at home named Millet. Millet and Tommo had two sons...

Did ya hear feldspar, quartz, and mica stopped hanging out together?

They got tired of being taken for granite

A lava rock quit his job at the volcano today

Said they took him for granite.

My wife got mad at me because I didn’t appreciate the new marble kitchen countertops she had installed.

I’ll admit, I took them for granite.

Why does nobody like a rich stone?

Because he takes everything for granite.

I hate people who trade with minerals

They take everything for granite

American, Indian and Russian go to hell...

An American, an Indian and a Russian got to hell after they died and were met by the Devil with a huge whip (twice as big as Indiana Jones had). So Devil met them and said...

-"I give everyone one chance to go to heaven, all you have to do is withstand three lashes from my whip, also you can ...

I was gonna tell a rock joke on here,

but I think everyone would take it for granite.

If you ever meet a girl named stone...

Don't take her for granite.

Petition to start a rock season in the mountains...

Please don't take this for granite.

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A man gets in a car accident that completely rips off his penis.

The doctor says, “Sir, we are going to have to rebuild your penis from scratch. Now, the way we do this operation is to charge you $1,000 for every inch in length. Your insurance company has given you $12,000, and that’s yours to keep, so maybe you want to use all of it, or maybe only 5 or even 4 th...

Why was the stone golem mad at her husband?

Because he was always taking her for granite.

I took my old countertop to a swap meet.

After remodeling my kitchen, I had no use for it and was looking for a trade. It wasn't very long before I was approached by a young couple.

"Wow, that countertop is gorgeous!" says the guy. "I must have it. I will trade you my girlfriend."

His girlfriend was stunning. "Are you sur...

My girlfriend was raving about our neighbors Marble Countertops.

I was unimpressed, but maybe I just took them for Granite

Why is Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson always so sad?

Everyone takes him for granite.

I got fired from my job at the marble mine today

I kept taking it for granite

Plateaus are the highest form of flattery

Don't take them for granite

The slippers

This is more like a funny story not a joke to me. I'm not a native English speaker, so my English is not that well.

Madurese, a tribe from Indonesia, are known to be very religious but, unfortunately, bad tempered and proud.

(OP is Madurese) It goes like this:



One day, a...

Michelangelo's Statue of David is one of the most important artworks ever created with marble

But I've always taken it for granite.

A man burglarizes homes so he can afford to renovate his kitchen...

I guess you could say he's taking things for granite.

Did you hear about the contractor who abused the offer for a free kitchen counter top?

He took it for granite.

What’s the worst way to end a friendship with a rock?

Take them for granite.

My wife and I are debating whether or not to get marble countertops in our kitchen

I feel like we’ll just take them for granite

"Peter," said Jesus, "you are my rock." Peter looked angry...

"I really wish you'd stop taking me for granite!"

Why did the stone mason leave his wife?

He felt taken for granite.

When I moved into my new house, I don't think I appreciated how convincing my countertops were.

I took them for granite.

You guys ever heard the one about the sculptor and his Italian friend?

There once was a sculptor who made beautiful pieces of work. His specialty was beautiful women. He'd toil away for hours on end, immortalizing the prettiest women in plaster and granite. But one day, he realized that his work was no longer in demand. Distraught, he called over his closest friend, an...

I really miss the marble countertops at my old apartment...

I guess I just took them for granite.

My floors

I really appreciate beautiful Travertine floors.

A lot of other people, however, take them for granite.

I always thought my kitchen was worth more, until I had my house appraised.

Moral of the story: Don't take your countertops for granite.

A man hired a contractor to renovate his kitchen

The contractor said to the man that he was nearly done.

The homeowner said "no way that you are - there is a giant hole in the granite countertop!"

Frustrated with how long the renovation had taken, the homeowner started yelling at the contractor and his assistant, who was standing in ...

A kleptomaniac never appreciated how he could exchange stolen goods for rocks.

He took things for granite.

I'm no geologist

But when I look at mountains in the morning I take them for granite

Why did Mrs. Quartz divorce Mr. Quartz?

He took her for granite.

There are many marbleous statues in Greece

...but sadly many people take them for granite.

A successful contractor talks to his mother after some economic hardships.

He had originally made his fortune off of luxury countertops, rising to the top of the interior furnishing industry. However, after chasing profits, he began to use inferior materials for his countertops, lost sales, and then lost everything. Desperate, he moved into his mom's house, and asked her f...

Today I was asked to model for a stone sculpture

Life is wild guys don't take anything for granite

The shame about ancient Grecian art...

The shame about ancient Grecian art is that there are amazing marble sculptures and structures which too often get taken for granite.

"Why was the slab of marble upset?"

"He was tired of everyone mistaking him for granite."

What do you call a handful of gravel

A palm-o-granite!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy wakes up in a hospital

A guy wakes up in a hospital and doesn't know where he is for a second, and then he remembers he was in a huge traffic accident. He franticly looks around panicked and is then comforted by a doctor. "It's okay, you are fine. But I have some bad news for you", says the doctor. The man say, "What....

What was the under-appreciated, often-exploited kitchen contractor's complaint?

I'm always taken for granite!

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