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Conceived Jokes

10% of European babies are conceived on an IKEA bed.

So, be sure to follow the instructions.

Put Peg A into Slot B, and then screw until the nuts tighten.

What do you call a baby conceived in space?

An astronut

I was conceived in the isles of a library

I am a shelf made man

A boy asked his mother how he was conceived

“Mommy, how was I born?”

Mom: “Well sweetie, Christmas came early”

And that was how the boy learned of his father’s nickname in college

"Dad, why is my sister called Paris?"

"Because we conceived her in Paris."
"Ahh, thanks Dad! "
"You're welcome, Backseat."

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My parents conceived me on a waterbed

Which explains my fear of drowning, while my parents are having sex

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My friend told me how he was conceived on his family’s pull out couch,

Since he was conceived on it, it’s not really a *pull out* couch

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So my Chinese Zodiac is a rat, and I was conceived and born out of wedlock

I'm very much a Rat Bastard.

My best friend is a Hare for her Chinese Zodiac, and she was planned. — She's clearly a hare-brained scheme.

My friends often tell me I was conceived on the highway

because that is where the most accidents happen....

Apparently 1 out of every 10 Europeans were conceived on an IKEA bed...

Which is crazy when you consider how well lit those places are.

Did you here about the pilgrim who was conceived at sea?

Her parents came in the Mayflower.

Muhammad Ali’s son was conceived over his parents splitting a veggie platter.

His name was Brock Ali.

I named my kids after the place they were conceived

Although I'm almost 100 percent sure Intheass isn't mine.

Some people are named after where they were conceived. For example Brooklyn, Paris...

My friend Ally doesn't agree.

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My dad just told me I was conceived in a circlejerk...

apparently things got out of hand.

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The little lizard was shocked when he found out how he was conceived.

Anole sex

If a mother and her son conceived a child, what would the child call his/her mother?

"Herrburgggerrrpffffppphfffffdudududeck"

St. Peter is standing at Heaven's Gates

when an angel comes to him with a message that he needs to attend to. Not wanting to leave the Gates unattended, he looks around for help. Just at that moment, he sees Jesus coming around the corner so he calls him over.

"Hey Jesus, can you help me out? I need to take care of something. Could...

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde are at the OBGYN's office for their pregnancy checkups.

The redhead says, "I was on top when I conceived.  I'm having a girl."

The brunette says, "He was on top when I conceived.  I'm having a boy."

The blonde bursts into tears.  "I'm having puppies!"

If twin ducks travel back in time and have a threesome with their mother on the day they were conceived...

...do they create a pair’a’ducks?

A man and his son are walking, and the son says, "Father, I have a question."

The father says, "Yes, son?"

"Father, why is my sister called Brooke?"

The father replies, "We called her Brooke because when she was conceived, your mother and I were near a brook."

The son thinks about this and then says, "Father, I have another question."

The father sa...

Mama, how did I get my name?

(USA-centric)

"Mama, how did I get my name?"

"Why do you need to know, Loquinda?"

"It's for my homework."

"Well, I was staying at a LaQuinta Inn the night you were conceived. So I just rearranged the letters a bit to make a pretty name."

"Oh. That's cool. How did m...

A Native American boy and his father are walking by a creek

The boy looks to his father and asks, “Father, why does my sister have the name Beautiful River?”

The father answers, “That’s because she was conceived next to the most beautiful river.”

Unsatisfied with the answer, he asks, “So why is my brother named Golden Sky?”

“Because he...

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The children gathered around their father

The first one asked "Why is my name poetry?"

"Because I went on a poetry website to recite a beautiful poem to your mother and then you were conceived"

The second one ask "Why is my name Amazon?"

"I went on that website to order a beautiful diamond ring for you mother. After she...

Son: Why is my sister's name Paris?

Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris.

Son: Thanks dad.

Dad: No problem Quarantine.

Michael Phelps is such a good swimmer...

He was conceived anally

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3 mothers-to-be in antenatal class...

The first one says; "I think I'm having a boy because my husband was on top when we conceived" The woman next to her replies "I think I'm having a daughter because I was on top" The woman at the end starts panicking and says "I think I'm having a puppy"

My son, Carson, asked me where he got his name

I told him, "well you were conceived in the backseat of my car, so you're our car-son"

A world wide law for sailors

A new world wide law is issued for all the sailors in the world: they need to go and get all the children they conceived outside their marriage.

Stan, a sailor from San Francisco, came out to his wife and told her that besides the three children they had together, he has three more around the...

A boy asks his father how his sister go the name Paris.

"Well son, your sister was conceived in Paris"

"Oh, so that's why. Thanks dad"

"You're welcome Quarantine"

A kid asks about his name...

Kid: “Dad, why am I named after where I was conceived?”
Dad: “Shut up Glory Hole, I thought that was a mouth.”

Three pregnant women: a brunette, a redhead and a blonde are sitting in a bar.

The brunette says, "I know what I'm going to have."

The redhead asked how. She replied, "Well I was on top when I conceived, so I will have a baby boy".

The redhead said, "If the logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was at the bottom when I concieved.

The bl...

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We're told men with large feet have large dicks and men with big cars have small dicks

You would almost think these stereotypes were conceived by clowns.

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A literal version of 'your joke, but better': I got a tattoo of my girlfriend's name on my penis...

...in full, the tattoo says "FOR AMY" on it.

So I went to a bar, had a few drinks, went to take a leak, and noticed the guy next to me had "FOUR EARTH" tattooed on his.

I couldn't help but laugh and say to him "First off, you misspelled "FOR", secondly, you really think you'll get ever...

Native American Father

A Native American Father was sitting around the campfire with his 3 daughters and the oldest asks "father where do our names come from?" The father replies "well my daughter we give names based on what happened the evening the child is conceived. On the night you were conceived there was a full moon...

A blonde woman is taking a walk around the neighborhood, pushing a pram with her baby in it..

An elderly woman walking towards them stops, looks into the stroller and says, "What a beautiful baby! What sign was he conceived under?"


The blonde blushes slightly and replies, "It said 'Keep off the grass'."

You’re Up Next Soldier

While posted to Germany in 1987 I was a Cpl in the Canadian Army. I had been selected to attend a Combat Leadership Course.
One of the first things we were required to do was stand in front of our peers in a classroom and give a brief blurb on ourselves.
The course Warrant Officer said “Righ...

I'd like to thank my dad for always being there for me

From the day I was conceived to the day he found out my mom was pregnant

A preacher in the Wild West, ...

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, c...

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Two boys go to religion class

10 minutes into the class, the teacher asks Timmy "Who was Mary?" Immediately, Adam pokes Timmy's ass with a pencil. "MOTHER OF GOD!" Timmy yells. The teacher says "Good, but don't yell." 15 minutes into the class, Timmy is called on again. "Who is the son of God?" Adam pokes his ass with a pencil a...

My mom always called me squirt as a child.

She said it had something too do with the way I was conceived.

So three women are sitting in the OB/GYN

One asks, "Are you expecting a boy or a girl?"

She replies, "It's definitely going to be a boy."

The other woman asks how she is so sure and she says, "My husband was on top, so his dominant masculinity means it will be a boy."

The first woman then says, "Oh gee, I suppose I'll ...

The native american boy asked his father why...

His brother was named dancing cloud.
it because when he was conceived a cloud danced by, said the father. Do you understand now, broken rubber?

Why is it so easy to trust a hypochondriac?

Because none of their plans are ill-conceived.

Son: Dad, why is my sister's name Florence?

Dad: Because we conceived her in Florence, Italy.

Son: I guess that's a nice way of naming your kids.

Dad: Yeah, Backseat, it is.

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Confused black kid.

Kid: - Mom, how come you and dad are white and i am black ?

Mom: - Oh baby, we were all so wasted at the party in wich you got conceived... you should be grateful you don't bark.

2 test tubes

‘We have two test tubes here,’ said the professor of IVF studies from Monash University. ‘They contain two carefully synthesized ingredients that we can now use to create human life. Solution A is a genetically engineered copy of all the ingredients in the female ovum, while Solution B replicates th...

Pregnancy checkups

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pregnancy checkups.
The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived?"

"He was on top", she replied.

"You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question. ...

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A mathematician, an Astronomer, and a idiot go to heaven

They reach heavens doors to see God talking to the Devil. God turns to the three and says, “So Heaven is a little backed up right now and we can’t take everyone, so I struck a deal with the devil by asking him a question he can’t solve”

The Mathematician goes first says, “I need a chalkboard”...

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding...

..."Afternoon ma'am. May I see your license and registration?" The old lady wordlessly hands the officer these items. As the officer reaches for the papers, he takes observation of the old woman.

She wasn't just old, she was very old. Must have been in her mid 90's. The fact that she was spee...

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It's 1845 and a man travels to Montana with his wife and son to settle. (LONG)

It's 1845 and Jacob travels to Montana with his wife and son to settle. After hard work, he has a log cabin built and pulls a brass bell from a steamer trunk they brought with them.

His wife, Sara, is bemused, asking what the bell is for. As the man proceeds to hang it from the eaves just in...

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