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Committing Jokes

Where's the best place to hide after committing murder?

Behind a badge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book on committing suicide

She responds "fuck off, you won't bring it back"

Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.

We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.

I recently got accused of committing tax fraud but I have no idea why

I don’t even pay taxes!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tried committing suicide last night...

Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!

What was the deck of playing cards sentenced to after committing a felony?

Solitaire confinement.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four nuns are summoned by the head priest for committing sins

Priest to the first nun: alright, sister, what was your sin?

First nun: I saw a man's penis today

Priest: hmmm... well these things can happen by mistake, but it is a sin nonetheless! Go wash your eyes in the holy water.

The first nun does so and some giggling can be heard from ...

The only person that keeps me from committing suicide

Is that guy instantly upvoting anything I post.

I asked a priest why I couldn't just say a bunch of Hail Marys before committing a sin

Apparently the church isn't a fan of anything Pre-Marytal

As part of its commitment to environmentalism...

Texas is committing to executing people via electric chairs powered only by wind turbines and solar panels.

A man was found dead eight years after committing suicide

Sort of proves his point, doesn't it?

My parents don’t understand my generation joking about committing suicide and said I wasn’t allowed to...

Me: all my friends do it

Parents: if all you’re friends jumped off a cliff would you do that too

Me: ok it’s bad enough that you won’t let me joke about it but you don’t need to be a hypocrite

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
She does, an...

My wifes a cop and I’m thinking about committing a crime

Cause she hasn’t came for me in years

There is a Hispanic train conductor going around committing horrible crimes..

No one knows why, but it's clear he has a loco motive.

What did the scarecrow say before committing suicide?

"That’s the last straw!"

*^I'm ^sorry.*

[UsagiMimi](http://www.reddit.com/user/UsagiMimi/) helped me refine the wording.

For 2020 reddit is committing to being the most environmentally friendly company in the tech industry.

They are committing to 100% recycled content.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I stopped a young woman from committing suicide today

I was taking a walk on the pier, enjoying the sunny but cold day. As I neared the end of the mostly deserted pier, I came across a young woman in a wheelchair. I noticed that she was crying, so I went up to her and asked if she wanted to talk about what was bothering her. She looked up at me and ...

What do you call it when someone lies about committing suicide?

Fake noose

Did you hear about the guy who was convicted for committing lewd acts on fruit at a grocery store? (Mildly NSFW)

He got off on a peel.

What does Joker do when he's not plotting or committing evil crimes?

He rides his Harley.

The hells angels are riding....

On January 13th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, California bikers were riding along Colorado Street in Pasadena when they saw a girl about to jump off Pasadena's Suicide Bridge. So they stopped.
John, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the S...

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