Jerry Seinfeld had to quit telling his jokes from a hot air balloon.

They all went over our heads.

I went to a Jerry Seinfeld stand-up last night. It was actually really disappointing; he didn't use any of his old jokes I used to love...

Like, what's up with that?

A joke on telemarketers from Seinfeld

**Jerry:** This isn’t a good time.

**Telemarketer:** When would be a good time to call back, sir?

**Jerry:** I have an idea, why don’t you give me your home number and I’ll call you back later?

**Telemarketer:** Umm, we’re not allowed to do that.

**Jerry:** Oh, I guess be...

Jerry Seinfeld at a Poker game:

“What’s the deal?”

Two cannibals were eating Jerry Seinfeld...

One looks at the other and asks “Does this taste salty?”

Kids who grew up watching Seinfeld must have had great ambitions to become comedians.

And failed.

When Jerry Seinfeld dies...

I really hope his tombstone says:
*Jerry Seinfeld
1954 yadda yadda yadda 20XX*

I’m left-handed... (Seinfeld joke)

Left-handed people do not like that the word 'left' is so often associated with negative things: Two left feet, left-handed compliments, 'What are we having for dinner?' 'Leftovers.' You go to a party, there’s nobody there. 'Where did everyone go?' 'They left.'

What do you call part of a poem written by a Seinfeld character?

A George Costanza.

Use this when a sales person calls you at your home

I saw this on seinfeld last night:

salesperson calls.
seinfeld: Hello?
salesperson: hi would you be interested in blah blah blah.
seinfeld: actually im really busy right now but if you give me your house number i can call you when im free.
salesperson: i actually can't give you my...

Public speaking is the #1 fear of the average person. #2 is death.

This means that at a funeral, more people would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

-Jerry Seinfeld

A riddle for the day

A riddle for the day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.<...

What type of roller coaster goes through the Bronx?

The type where people scream in the flat parts.

-Jerry Seinfeld

So a pair of cannibals are sitting down to a nice meal...

...of Jerry Seinfeld.

A while into the meal, one of the cannibals says,

"I'm going for the forehead, do you want any?" as he cuts a slice from the front of Jerry's scalp. The other cannibal declines, shaking his head and saying,

"What's the deal with hairline food?"

What do you call a sitcom that takes place in a war zone?

Minefeld

*Plays Seinfeld theme with gunshots*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Celebrity Computer Viruses

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.<...

Kwanzaa and Festivus were both made up in 1966.

One is a joke holiday that no one should take seriously. The other was featured on Seinfeld.

hat tip to u/AudibleNod

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