Standup Jokes

They're not laughing now.

Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.

I know a deaf stand up comedian and he’s one of the funniest comedians I’ve ever seen, he doesn’t have good jokes it’s just the way he tells them

Amirite.

It helps to have a captive audience

"What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.

"It's an inside joke."

They were downright disgraceful; the audience up and left.

It's a little bit funny.

As a standup comedian, I am prohibited from telling any jokes involving chairs.

He bombed.

He's already mastered delivery

Tough crowd.

"You can't pull your pants down in public."

He's overwhelmed by it all and asks someone for help.

"Don't worry, kid," a veteran comic says. "This is basically a place to test out your material. Watch."

A comic gets up on stage and announces, "Number 876!" He gets a mild reaction from the crowd.

"Number 521!" the comic c... read more

Alright, here it goes.

First, I plant my feet firmly on the ground...

Sitcoms

Yeah, Gilbert got freed.

(I apologize to Gilbert.)

They can't do standup

Well, I got a job doing standup in a comedy club, and no one's laughing now.

I don't do standup but thought of a hell of a setup with nowhere else to put it and no way to finish it. So here it is.



You ever order Chinese food for yourself and get insulted by the number of fortune cookies they give you?

Because he was a standup comedian.

Jokes about computers, programming, cellphones, or what have you. So long as it's brief, appropriate to the theme (technology), and in good taste. I'll be very grateful for all the input. Please, I have no skill in joke-writing, but am decent at public speaking, I just need to borrow good some mater... read more

but I fell and couldn’t standup…

Joke from Gary Delaney's standup

FDR. His standup could use some work.

For giving this great standup comedy night.

Ruined my standup career.

For his standup

Means I can donate blood to anyone in the world...who also has aids.

(Stolen from Anthony jeselniks’s standup special)

Arrested under the Animal Scientific Procedures Act 1986.

[Joke I wrote for a scientists do standup event]

A guy runs a red light. His passenger tells him not to do that, but the driver says "It's okay, my brother drives like this!" He runs another red light. His passenger tries to insist, the driver says again "I told ya, it's okay, my brother drives like this!" Then he comes up to a green light and sto... read more

and is admiring her dead husband's body in the casket.

"Oh Mr. Graham, you've done such a lovely job with my dear Timothy. He really does look comfortable. At peace even. But one thing?"

"Yes Mrs. Stewart?"

"Would you please put him in his black suit? He always preferred it."... read more

He can’t do standup comedy!

Two wives meet for coffee. Says one wife about her comedian husband: "He really sucks as a standup comedian but he's awesome as a lie down comedian" Asks the other wife: "What do you mean?" Says the first wife: "He's a real joke in bed."

Hey guys,

Not too long ago we started advertising new moderator positions for /r/jokes, and after receiving a bunch of submissions, we found our two candidates.

I've asked them to write up a brief introduction for themselves.

First up is /u/iBleeedorange, who also mods /r/diablo... read more