UPJOKE
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Standup Jokes

Everybody laughed at me when I said I was going to be a standup comedian.

They're not laughing now.

What is the difference between standup comedy, and motivational speaking?

Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.

Deaf standup:

I know a deaf stand up comedian and he’s one of the funniest comedians I’ve ever seen, he doesn’t have good jokes it’s just the way he tells them

Which goddess did standup comedians worship in Ancient Greece?

Amirite.

I'm in prison and decided to start my career here as a standup comic

It helps to have a captive audience

The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed

"What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.

"It's an inside joke."

One time a standup comedian started telling direction puns.

They were downright disgraceful; the audience up and left.

Just watched Elton John's new standup act...

It's a little bit funny.

The standup comedian

As a standup comedian, I am prohibited from telling any jokes involving chairs.

Osama Bin Laden tried doing standup comedy before terrorism

He bombed.

Why will Jeff Bezos' career in standup comedy be a success?

He's already mastered delivery

My standup routine didn't go down very well at the local gym.

Tough crowd.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to watch a standup comedian who kept making stereotypical Jew jokes towards me...

I was so upset I demanded a double refund

After failing miserably at a standup routine I told my girlfriend I was going to try physical comedy. She said...

"You can't pull your pants down in public."

A new standup comic attends his first convention

He's overwhelmed by it all and asks someone for help.

"Don't worry, kid," a veteran comic says. "This is basically a place to test out your material. Watch."

A comic gets up on stage and announces, "Number 876!" He gets a mild reaction from the crowd.

"Number 521!" the comic c...

My Standup Routine

Alright, here it goes.

First, I plant my feet firmly on the ground...

What do comedians do when they get tired of doing standup comedy?

Sitcoms

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife told me to get dick pills

She told me to get those pills that make your dick standup.

Man was she surprised when I came back from the pharmacy with diet pills

Pls help, I'm locked out of my house

Did you hear about the standup comic who was just released from prison?

Yeah, Gilbert got freed.

(I apologize to Gilbert.)

What's a similarity between a guy in a wheelchair and a bad comedian

They can't do standup

When I was a kid, I told everyone that when I grew up, I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. They all laughed.

Well, I got a job doing standup in a comedy club, and no one's laughing now.

Just the setup. Do your own punchline

I don't do standup but thought of a hell of a setup with nowhere else to put it and no way to finish it. So here it is.



You ever order Chinese food for yourself and get insulted by the number of fortune cookies they give you?

Why didn’t anyone offer the comedian a seat in the bus?

Because he was a standup comedian.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was practicing my standup the other day, I'm trying to specialize in puns. So I tried out ten new jokes on the crowd, hoping that at least one of them would get a laugh, but sadly...

I kept fucking up the punchline.

Doing a 2-minute standup performance of some sort in a tech press conference in a few hours and am in desperate need for some material.

Jokes about computers, programming, cellphones, or what have you. So long as it's brief, appropriate to the theme (technology), and in good taste. I'll be very grateful for all the input. Please, I have no skill in joke-writing, but am decent at public speaking, I just need to borrow good some mater...

Wanted to give being a comedian a try

but I fell and couldn’t standup…

I still think it was a missed opportunity that Minnie Driver wasn’t in the remake of The Italian Job.

Joke from Gary Delaney's standup

Who was the least funny U.S. President?

FDR. His standup could use some work.

We should thank Trump and Biden

For giving this great standup comedy night.

My stupid parents and their stupid great marriage.

Ruined my standup career.

Handicapped man was next on stage....

For his standup

I just got a blood test. Was told my blood type is O negative? Do you know what that means?

Means I can donate blood to anyone in the world...who also has aids.

(Stolen from Anthony jeselniks’s standup special)

What do you get if you cross a cat with an octopus?

Arrested under the Animal Scientific Procedures Act 1986.

[Joke I wrote for a scientists do standup event]

Guy runs a red light

A guy runs a red light. His passenger tells him not to do that, but the driver says "It's okay, my brother drives like this!" He runs another red light. His passenger tries to insist, the driver says again "I told ya, it's okay, my brother drives like this!" Then he comes up to a green light and sto...

A grieving widow is speaking to a funeral director...

and is admiring her dead husband's body in the casket.

"Oh Mr. Graham, you've done such a lovely job with my dear Timothy. He really does look comfortable. At peace even. But one thing?"

"Yes Mrs. Stewart?"

"Would you please put him in his black suit? He always preferred it."...

Why does Stephen Hawking only do one liners

He can’t do standup comedy!

Lie Down Comedian

Two wives meet for coffee. Says one wife about her comedian husband: "He really sucks as a standup comedian but he's awesome as a lie down comedian" Asks the other wife: "What do you mean?" Says the first wife: "He's a real joke in bed."

Our two new mods, ElderCunningham and iBleeedorange

Hey guys,

Not too long ago we started advertising new moderator positions for /r/jokes, and after receiving a bunch of submissions, we found our two candidates.

I've asked them to write up a brief introduction for themselves.

First up is /u/iBleeedorange, who also mods /r/diablo...

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