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Shut Jokes

what sign do you put up when you shut down your brothel?

Beat it, we're closed

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I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.

The parrot was cool, though.




^Originally ^an ^Anthony ^Jeselnik ^joke

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

Open and Shut

A man’s wife disappears and he’s accused of killing her. At the trial, his lawyer tells the jury, “Ladies and gentlemen, I have amazing news. Not only is my client’s wife actually alive, but she’ll walk through that door in ten seconds."

An expectant silence settles over the courtroom, but no...

Do you know which countries don’t shut down like the USA does when they can’t approve their budget?

The other 195.

I invented this joke and I will never shut up about it.

What's a racist's favourite playground game?

Apartheid and Seek.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver replies, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting, the driver's wife says, "Now don't be silly, dear. You know that this car doesn't have cruise...

Every machine in the coin factory shut down suddenly with no explanation

It just didn’t make any cents

My college roommate got a pet parrot. That damn thing won’t ever shut up.

The parrot is cool though.

How do you shut a cupboard?

You closet!

Taco Bell forced to shut down temporarily...

Due to the Corona virus the shortage of toilet paper has made this step a necessity.

The German bakery near me had to shut down when the owner was arrested for theft

We should have known, the cakes were all Stollen.

Did you hear about the passionate aquarium owner who got shut down?

He lost his porpoise!

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

She gets so angry and opens her purse to take out the gun. But then, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "Don't do it honey".

The blonde yells back, "Shut up, you are next".

So our local sperm bank got shut down

Turns out it was just some old pervert who set up a glory hole.

I think my cat might be a communist

He won't shut up about Mao.

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Pot head gets really high on some good shit and goes home

Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes

Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!!

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room...

Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper.

my bad p...

What do you call dobby if he wouldn’t shut up?

Gobby

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Keep Your Mouth Shut!!

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actua...

A billionaire offered me a million dollars to permanently glue my mouth shut forever.

I can't tell you how happy I am.

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My girlfriend keeps moaning about how little room there is in the wardrobe and I wish she'd shut the fuck up.

The wife might find her.

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So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And...

Why did the local Gentleman’s club shut down?

Nobody wants twerk anymore

How do you get a flat-Earther to shut up?

Just push ‘em off the edge.

How do you get a washing machine to shut up?

Put a sock in it

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Sh!t, shut up and manners

There were three women, they were very high when they were giving birth to their children so of course the names would’ve been weird the first mother named her Child shit and the other mother named her Child shut up and the other mother named her Child manners.

One day 20 years later shit, sh...

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The farmer

A farmer walks upstairs to his bedroom with a chicken under his arm and stands before his wife.

“This is the pig I’ve been fucking”

His wife rolls over and sees the farmer.

“You idiot that’s a chicken”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP IM TALKIN TO THE CHICKEN”

A crossfiter and a vegan walk in to a bar. Who shuts up first?

The bar.

How to make an Italian man shut up?

Just tie his hands

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An atheist, a crossfitter, and a vegan are all sitting at a bar...

and I only know this because they won't shut the fuck up about it.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door..

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

I hate it when people subtly flex where they went to college

I have this friend who went to Harvard and he just won’t shut tf up about it. He’s always been like this, even when we were in college together.

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Little johnny still didn't shut up..........

Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no...

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I told a guy talking on the phone in the library to shut the fuck up

As a result, everyone in the library started to applaud me so I turned and told them all to shut the fuck up too.

Damn girl are you a smoke detector?

Because you're super annoying and won't shut up

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Shut Up

A young bluebird was flying from tree to tree in the brisk autumn air when he heard his parents call. Upon arriving back to the nest they tell the young avian to prepare for the trip south.

The little bluebird stubbornly inquires why, to which papa bluebird replies with details of heavy and c...

Open and shut case

A cop stopped a speeding car, approached the driver's window and said, "Can I have your license and registration, please?"
The driver said, " I don't have a license. I've never even took driving theory."
The officer asked: " Can I have the car registration?"
"it's not my car, I stole it" an...

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My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the ba...

Hey ya know what the good thing about schools shutting down is?

We might hit a new record for longest time without a school shooting!

My bird hospital was shut down by the city.

They said it was due to ill eagle activity.

This is now the longest government shut down in US History. In lighter news, if seeing who will crack first on the border wall is prolonging it, then this shut down truly is...

a Mexican stand off.

''Shut up...you're next!''

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging a...

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Shut up you idiot

An unemployed man was offered a job at the zoo. Their old gorilla had passed away and they could not replace it. The job was to dress up like a gorilla and entertain the visitors. He agreed and started work immediately. He climbed trees, ate bananas and scratched his belly, all to the amusement of p...

My son told me that Yahoo Answers is being shut down.

I've never heard of it. So I asked Yahoo what it is, but they haven't replied.

I had to shut down my human centipede program

I couldn’t make ends meet.

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Girl, you remind me of an alarm clock...

...you were a good idea last night but now I just want you to shut the fuck up

No wonder we’re shutting down.

Trump did say he was going to run the government like one of his businesses.

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

The Coronavirus has shut down theater

Due to social distancing, the Shakespearean Theater Company had to cancel all of their live shows. Before self-quarantining, they decided to do one last performance of Romeo and Juliet and livestream their production over the internet. In order to reach a wide audience, they advertised there show o...

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There are three men named Shit, Manners and shut up

Shit got stuck in a toilet and Manners went to help and try and pull him out. Shut up decided he should buy a plunger from a hardware store to help get him out and drove off. Halfway there a policeman pulled him over for speeding and asked “what’s you name” Shut up said “Shut up” the policeman got a...

Local hospital forced to shut down after obstetrician quits suddenly

They're having a midwife crises

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Should have kept his mouth shut.

A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a ...

Horse committee is shutting down

Too many neighsayers.

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Shut up, manners and poop

Shut up manners and poop we’re driving along the street. They crashed and poop fell out the car. Shut up went to the police station and informed the officer of the situation and said “ i see now what is your name lad”? Shut up replied “ shut up” the policeman asked where his manners were. Shut up sa...

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Fishing or Sex?

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

The first guy says:

"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

The second g...

A knight Became quite lacking in energy after they shut down the Jousting Arena...

In fact he was quite listless.

My favorite native american restaurant is shutting down.

They didn't get enough reservations.

My friend won't shut up about his dilapidated mansions

He's got some real bad manors.

Still, my wife doesn't shut up

I told my wife: "Let's put it in your ear."

She replied: "But I will become deaf, if you do that".

I told her: "Don't worry, I've put it in your mouth now for 20 years, and still you did not shut up."

I’m getting paid a lot to shut down Zoom calls...

Now I’m making ends meet by making meets end!

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

Why did the quarantine shut down the Indian Cuisine?

Because it was a naan-Essential business.

Why did the doctor angrily shut down his clinic?

He ran out of patients

Why do they nail coffins shut?

To stop oncologists from ordering another round of chemo

There was once three brothers called Trouble, Manners and Shut Up

One day, Trouble went missing. And so Shut Up went to look for him at the police station.

Police: what are you here for?

Shut Up: Just Trouble sir.

Police: .... What’s your name son?

Shut Up: Shut Up.

Police: How dare you! Where are your manners?!

Shut Up: A...

Why don't cops shut down Klan rallies?

Same reason you never see Bruce Wayne and Batman together.

I think they are shutting down the IRS...

I just got a letter stating that it was my "last notice"!

So the government shut down...

I saw my senator with a sign that said, "Will lie, cheat, and steal for food."

Or

now my senator has to lie, cheat, and steal for free.

Or

so will my senator stop lying, cheating, and stealing?

Take your pick or insert your parasite of choice. And don't forget to ...

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. (one of my favourite jokes, worth the read)



However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the z...

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A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said "Ive always wanted to have sex with a little person"

**The dwarf replied "Im sorry, but Ive had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up" "Its ok" said the woman, "my husband is working away until next week" So, against his better judgement he goes back with the woman. They start having...

"Dad, I don't want to go visit Grandma"

"Shut up, and keep digging"

Why did the dinosaur newspaper shut down?

It's ratings were killed off by social meteor!

America was not shut down properly.

Would you like to restart America in safe mode, with free healthcare & without the guns? (Recommended)

Manners, Shut Up and Trouble

One day, three boys were playing hide and seek. Their names were ‘Manners’, ‘Shut Up’ and ‘Trouble’. All of a sudden, ‘Trouble’ got lost. The other two boys went to look for him.

They searched for him far and wide but to no avail. The two boys got tired and stopped to take a rest. ‘Manners’ d...

My local candle factory just got randomly shut down.

It makes no scents.

How do you shut lady Gaga up?

You poker face.

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"...

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the mo...

So there are three brothers, one called “manners”, one called “trouble” and one called “shut up”

One day they were playing hide and seek and “shut up” was searching. He found manners very quickly so they searched for their brother.

They looked for hours and still couldn’t find him, so eventually they went to the police station.

“Manners” was shy so he stayed outside, but “shut up”...

There was a crow outside my window this morning that would not shut up.

Turns out he way had too much CAAW-fee.

Trump has found a sure-fire way to shut down TikTok

He's going to buy it and run it himself.

An android inexplicably shut down in the middle of a bar fight.

She was later arrested and charged with battery.

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A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer.

The officer asks the lawyer "Do you know why I pulled you over?"


"I haven't the foggiest idea," said the lawyer.


The officer replied, "You didn't make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down."


The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, "If y...

The U.S Government has been shut down

You could say its hit a wall

My online parasol store got shut down.

The police claimed we were engaging in shade e-dealings.

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A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"





Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."





Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."





Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"





Aga...

My 7 year old asked me "Is up shut a bad word?"

I replied "Ahh no?"

He replied "But it's the reverse of shut up!"with a huge grin.

Reddit he wanted me to share his first joke with everyone.

The national bird of prey hospice had their annual play shut down by the authorities.

Apparently it was an ill-eagle act.

Can everyone just shut up about that new movie about the ice princess?

They can't seem to let it go

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A farmer buys a young cock.

As soon as he gets home it fucks all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed . At lunch the cock once again screws the hens.
The next day, to the farmers astonishment, the cock fucks the geese and ducks as well. Sadly later during the day he finds the cock lying half- dead on the ground...

When my Girlfriend tried to kiss me in front of my friends, i quickly shut her down.

She looked at me with big disappointed eyes and asked me "Are you ashamed of beeing seen kissing me?"

When i told her i was, she ran of crying.


I felt really bad for the rest of the day, but i just can't lie to my own family

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"There's no 'I' in team"

"But there's a whole lot of 'U' in shut the fuck up"

Why did Nintendo decide to shut down the Miiverse?

They grew tired of all the wiiposts.

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What do you call a drunk who won't shut the fuck up about being a successful gambler?

A Keno-speaker.

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I once tried to kill a spider with axe bodyspray

but he survived and now wont shut the fuck up about crossfit

How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Six.

One supervises;
One arranges for the electricity to be shut off;
One checks safety and quality standards;
One monitors compliance with government regulations;
One fills out paperwork;
And one who screws the lightbulb into the water faucet.

Right at midnight on New Years Eve im gonna shut my eyes and never open them again

That way my vision will always stay 2020

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There are three brothers. One is named Shut-up, the next is named Crap, and the last is named Manners

Shut-up was driving home when he was pulled over by a cop for speeding. The officer asks for his name and he says "Shut-up."

The officer gets mad and said "Sir I need your name!"

"Shut-up."

Officer "That is very rude! Tell me your name right now!"

"I said Shut-up!" ...

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My wife told me women can multitask better than men.

I told her,”No they cant and I can prove it.”she said, “ OK prove it.”

I said,”Shut the fuck up and cook my breakfast.”

She couldn’t do either one.

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A man heard that masturbating before sex...

A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. ...

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A handyman needs to fix something in a house while the owner is away. The owner warns him: "I have a huge Rottweiler and a Parrot, the dog is nice but be careful of the bird!"

The handyman shrugs it of and enters the house.
Indeed, there is a huge Rottweiler sitting on the couch, but he behaves friendly.

But from the birdcage, the handyman hears the Parrot: "Hey, asshole!"

Handyman does not react.

Again, "hey, asshole, yes you, useless mf"

H...

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The piano playing in “Eyes Wide Shut” may be the most unnerving thing I’ve ever heard...

...and I’ve heard my parents having sex

Proud of myself, just came up with this stinker: Why did Twitter shut down Megatron's account?

Because it was discovered that most of his followers were auto bots.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything ins...

A policeman is driving past a roadside apple stand when he notices the sign: "Apple seeds, guaranteed to make you smarter, $20 per seed."

He pulls over and informs the vendor that it is fraud and false advertising to make absurd claims like this.

"No, no, no," the vendor tells the cop, "my apples are a special variety. A scientific miracle. Buy just one seed, eat it, and you will notice an increase in intelligence. If not, I pr...

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Trump is talking about shutting the government back down on the 15th

I am surprised he isn't doing it on the 14th, then he could fuck the whole US for Valentine's day

My abusive father got drunk to the same song every night. I tried to shut it off before he could get started...

But he beat me to it.

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