The weakening and eventual shut down to the AMOC is expected to reduce total precipitation in North America and increase it in Africa.

Hundreds of millions of North Americans experiencing the worst droughts in history will be like "I guess the rain's down in Africa."

A knight Became quite lacking in energy after they shut down the Jousting Arena...

In fact he was quite listless.

My son told me that Yahoo Answers is being shut down.

I've never heard of it. So I asked Yahoo what it is, but they haven't replied.

Local hospital forced to shut down after obstetrician quits suddenly

They're having a midwife crises

The national bird of prey hospice had their annual play shut down by the authorities.

Apparently it was an ill-eagle act.

What did the sign say on the shut down brothel?

We’re closed, beat it!

Did you hear they had to shut down horse committee?

They had too many naysayers.

I’m getting paid a lot to shut down Zoom calls...

Now I’m making ends meet by making meets end!

My bird hospital was shut down by the city.

They said it was due to ill eagle activity.

Even though Sea World is shut down, the animals still need to be taken care of

Obama answers the call for volunteers. On his first day, they assign him to feed the baby dolphins.

As he is doing so, another volunteer accosts him "Our country is in crisis. Don't you have anything better to do?"

He replied "I think I'm serving a youthful porpoise."

Taco Bell forced to shut down temporarily...

Due to the Corona virus the shortage of toilet paper has made this step a necessity.

Trump has found a sure-fire way to shut down TikTok

He's going to buy it and run it himself.

Proud of myself, just came up with this stinker: Why did Twitter shut down Megatron's account?

Because it was discovered that most of his followers were auto bots.

Why did the quarantine shut down the Indian Cuisine?

Because it was a naan-Essential business.

The Coronavirus has shut down theater

Due to social distancing, the Shakespearean Theater Company had to cancel all of their live shows. Before self-quarantining, they decided to do one last performance of Romeo and Juliet and livestream their production over the internet. In order to reach a wide audience, they advertised there show o...

Why did the factory raising grizzlies for their hides not get shut down permanently by the court?

They had a right to bear farms.

Why did the doctor angrily shut down his clinic?

He ran out of patients

The health inspector shut down the restaurant on the corner of main street and second avenue...

A new owner rebuilt the kitchen area. The inspector was very impressed with the new kitchen. Stainless steel counters and shelves. Floors of white marble. More lighting install making a bright and clean looking work area. Tongs hanging everywhere, the food was not touched by human hands.

The ...

All shops including beauty salons have been shut down!

....those that roams the streets now look even more deadlier than corona!

Due to COVID-19, North Korea has shut down all of its air and railway routes across its borders with China, and is keeping all foreigners arriving in the country via China isolated for up to one month.

TIL People are trying to get into North Korea.

This is now the longest government shut down in US History. In lighter news, if seeing who will crack first on the border wall is prolonging it, then this shut down truly is...

a Mexican stand off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's a good thing they shut down production of House of Cards

It's be too unrealistic to have someone playing the US president who has been accused of sexual misconduct.

A reporter asked the president why the National Mint had been shut down

The president paused for a moment, then shrugged and said, “It just made cents.”

I had to shut down my human centipede program

I couldn’t make ends meet.

I knew a successful businessman who decided to shut down everything and run a funeral parlor.

It was quite the undertaking.

The government swore to shut down Fortnite due to claims of the video game aggravating children and teens worldwide.

Two weeks later, Fortnight was finished.

Why don't cops shut down Klan rallies?

Same reason you never see Bruce Wayne and Batman together.

Why did Nintendo decide to shut down the Miiverse?

They grew tired of all the wiiposts.

Why did the dinosaur newspaper shut down?

It's ratings were killed off by social meteor!

When you're morbidly obese, you get shut down by lots of people. But the worst is when it comes from parents...

MOTHER NATURE AND FATHER TIME.

The U.S Government has been shut down

You could say its hit a wall

Roy Moore opened a clothing store in Birmingham, but it was quickly shut down.

Parents were pretty upset when they realized "Teen girls clothes always half off" was the entry policy, not a sale.

So the government shut down...

I saw my senator with a sign that said, "Will lie, cheat, and steal for food."

Or

now my senator has to lie, cheat, and steal for free.

Or

so will my senator stop lying, cheating, and stealing?

Take your pick or insert your parasite of choice. And don't forget to ...

A doctor who ran his clinic out of a shopping center was shut down this week...

He was sued for mall-practice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend urinated on a robot capable of feeling emotions. It got angry, but then it shut down.

He really pissed it off.

I really don't understand why my Burger Joint was shut down.

I really don't get it. I mean, I really pour blood, tears and sweat over these burgers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They had to shut down the T-Rex cloning program at the Oedipus Complex.

It was on the news this morning. Apparently, the entire staff was eaten by mother-fucking dinosaurs.

I asked Dumbo what career options he would pursue, when the circus shut down, and if he would consider interesting opportunities

He said, "I don't know, but I'm all ears"

The public pool had to be shut down because they found five drowned blondes in the deep end.

Some kid had put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom.

America was not shut down properly.

Would you like to restart America in safe mode, with free healthcare & without the guns? (Recommended)

How is Donald Trump going to shut down the department of education?

By renaming it 'Trump University'!

I have four kids, so I finally shut down the factory [OC]

I still give tours though. They're self-guided tours, but hey, nobody's complaining.

Traffic shut down in many US cities today

Have you ever seen a angry woman drive?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm really upset that Vine is getting shut down, because I won't be able to use the phrase, "do it for the Vine" anymore...

"Do it or I'll fucking kill you" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

My successful pancake business was recently shut down

Someone tipped off the police that I was selling them hot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I pr...

Take-home final exam

Bill always had a problem with school. He suffered from a fear of tests. When a professor hands out tests, it was almost like his brain shut down. He couldn't remember anything.
One of his professors gave the students a take-home test and told them to bring it back the next week for their final g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Remy the rat is sitting on his therapist's couch

His therapist says, "Remy, I haven't seen you in a while. How is everything going?"

Remy says "It's terrible. You know how I left my restaurant job to start my own brewpub? Well the health department just shut it down."

"Oh no, Remy, that's horrible."

"And on top of that, my wif...

I don't get it. When Civet's do it, it's the "smoothest" and "best" coffee.

When I do it, it's "disgusting" "depraved" and they shut down my cafe......

Shamus Murphy was enjoying a pint at the bar, when he saw someone who looked very familiar

Aye! You look familiar, what is your name?

Me name is Angus Murphy.

You don't say? M'name is Shamus Murphy!

You don' say? Did you grow up in the town of Derry?

I did! Did you go to Saint Anthony's?

I did! Did you have an Aunt named Mildred?

I did! Did your f...

Frank and the blonde.

Frank walked into his favorite bar that hasn't been shut down by Covid. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the television.

The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at...

A company had a vacancy for a job so they put a sign outside of their office saying ...

A company had a vacancy for a job so they put a sign outside of their office saying ‘

Job Vacancy- apply within. Applicants must:

1.) be able to type at least 80 words per minute.

2.)must be good at computers.

3.)must be bilingual

After weeks of having no applican...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All the organs of a human body are having a meeting

The brain begins his announcement: “As you know, our body has been experiencing nutrient shortages over the past few years. We can’t keep it up like that. I am afraid we will have to terminate one of...”

The dick stands up and interrupts him: “Hey, I know! I know what to do! Let’s get rid of ...

An inventor is about to pass, leaving all he has to his only family. His two children.

He was a very altruistic person in life, only using his inventions to help people and not make any profit. His daughter admired this trait and followed this path becoming a tinkerer herself. His son, however, was an opportunist. He would always attempt to make a profit off any of his father's invent...

An F-15 pilot was assigned to escort an aged B-52 Bomber

Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge. He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot.

"Ha! Anything you can do, I can do better!"

The bomber pilot replies, "Oh, yeah? Let's see you do this!" and kee...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Story of Suzy Sandpaper (Long)

A young Marine was deployed on a Navy ship. It put into port in Bangkok for a weekend, but he was told he had security duty, and couldn't go into town with his fellow Marines. All weekend he stood sentry at the ship, hearing from his comrades about the gorgeous girls working the local brothels, an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a bear walks into a bar...

In Brooklyn there is a local ordinance that you can't serve beers to bears in bars in Brooklyn, so this bear walks into a bar in Brooklyn and orders a beer and the bartender goes, "whoa, your a bear, sorry I can't serve beers to bears in bars in Brooklyn."

To which the bear replies, "well I'm...

Mankind vs mommy nature

Mankind: we will never slow down or shut down to help this climate change.


Mommy nature: Here is a virus. Practice.

A police station was about to be defunded because they could never solve a single crime.

A police station was about to be defunded because they could never solve a single crime.

The police chief in desperation hired a quality assurance officer to check what was wrong.

The QA officer proposed that if the chief’s detectives can solve all murders committed by him, then he w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a Microsoft advent calendar...

But if you open too many windows at once, they shut down for no fucking reason.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Parts of the body having a debate.

One day all the body parts are gathered together to discuss who amongst them should be the leader.

The brain steps forward and says "I should be the leader for i am the cleverest. I keep everyone organized and find solutions to problems."

Everyone is quite impressed until the heart st...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend sat on my keyboard...

I told her, " You must be sitting on the F5 key, because that ass is refreshing." ...

She said, "No it's Alt +F4". I just got shut down.

With the quarantine, California highway patrol's job suddenly got a lot more boring.

There was a trooper on the side of the 101 fighting to keep his eyes open, as there was empty road as far as he could see. Suddenly, he heard the roar of a charger zip past him. He flicked on his lights and siren and went after it. He clocked them going at 100MPH!

The car quickly pulled ov...

An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.

Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"...

Rudy Gobert should win NBA’s defensive player of the year

He just single-handedly shut down the whole league.

I made a (hopefully) original joke!

In 2019, the army had been at war with another country. In order to keep their troops healthy, they needed to monitor the submarine that carried supplies to where the others were located.

But there was a small problem. Every so often, there would be a defect in the submarine's engine that wou...

Republicans are the true snowflakes.

They're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools.

Some engineers were arguing about God.

One says, "God was clearly a mechanical engineer. Just look at the structure of the bones, how they're shaped to carry their loads without wasted weight, how the joints interlock to give free movement, how the muscles are optimally placed as actuators with the best leverage."

The second repli...

An old man gets a letter from the IRS

Just kidding, the IRS is shut down right now.

The watchman

Passing an office building late one night, the blonde saw a sign that read, "Press bell for night watchman." She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, ...

The Dallas Cowboys are indeed America’s team.

They shut down when it matters most.

My Dad has the heart of a lion

and so much hate mail he had to shut down his dental practice

Why California is broke and Texas is not.

The governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the governor's dog, then bites the governor. The governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie Bambi and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.<...

Pravda

In 1996, after Pravda ceased publication, a Russian man goes to a newspaper vendor.

Man: Give me a copy of Pravda, please.

Vendor: I'm sorry. Pravda has shut down. It's no longer available.

The man nods and leaves. A few minutes later he returns.

Man: I want to buy a copy...

One day, some friars open up a flower shop

Before long, their store attracts quite a lot of customers; after all, who wouldn’t want to buy flowers from men of God? Unfortunately, though, this means that all the other florists in town are being driven out of business. They plead with the friars to close shop or move elsewhere, but they refuse...

This might be a bit late but still

So there is a transfer girl from Alabama who transferred to my school and after a while we get pretty close and she comes up to me and tells me I am like the brother she never had. Most people see this as a shut down but remember she’s from Alabama

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.