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what sign do you put up when you shut down your brothel?

Beat it, we're closed

Do you know which countries don’t shut down like the USA does when they can’t approve their budget?

The other 195.

Every machine in the coin factory shut down suddenly with no explanation

It just didn’t make any cents

The German bakery near me had to shut down when the owner was arrested for theft

We should have known, the cakes were all Stollen.

Did you hear about the passionate aquarium owner who got shut down?

He lost his porpoise!

Taco Bell forced to shut down temporarily...

Due to the Corona virus the shortage of toilet paper has made this step a necessity.

So our local sperm bank got shut down

Turns out it was just some old pervert who set up a glory hole.

Why did the local Gentleman’s club shut down?

Nobody wants twerk anymore

My bird hospital was shut down by the city.

They said it was due to ill eagle activity.

This is now the longest government shut down in US History. In lighter news, if seeing who will crack first on the border wall is prolonging it, then this shut down truly is...

a Mexican stand off.

My son told me that Yahoo Answers is being shut down.

I've never heard of it. So I asked Yahoo what it is, but they haven't replied.

I had to shut down my human centipede program

I couldn’t make ends meet.

The Coronavirus has shut down theater

Due to social distancing, the Shakespearean Theater Company had to cancel all of their live shows. Before self-quarantining, they decided to do one last performance of Romeo and Juliet and livestream their production over the internet. In order to reach a wide audience, they advertised there show o...

Local hospital forced to shut down after obstetrician quits suddenly

They're having a midwife crises

A knight Became quite lacking in energy after they shut down the Jousting Arena...

In fact he was quite listless.

I’m getting paid a lot to shut down Zoom calls...

Now I’m making ends meet by making meets end!

Why did the quarantine shut down the Indian Cuisine?

Because it was a naan-Essential business.

Did you hear they had to shut down horse committee?

They had too many naysayers.

Why did the doctor angrily shut down his clinic?

He ran out of patients

Why don't cops shut down Klan rallies?

Same reason you never see Bruce Wayne and Batman together.

So the government shut down...

I saw my senator with a sign that said, "Will lie, cheat, and steal for food."

Or

now my senator has to lie, cheat, and steal for free.

Or

so will my senator stop lying, cheating, and stealing?

Take your pick or insert your parasite of choice. And don't forget to ...

Why did the dinosaur newspaper shut down?

It's ratings were killed off by social meteor!

All shops including beauty salons have been shut down!

....those that roams the streets now look even more deadlier than corona!

America was not shut down properly.

Would you like to restart America in safe mode, with free healthcare & without the guns? (Recommended)

My local candle factory just got randomly shut down.

It makes no scents.

An android inexplicably shut down in the middle of a bar fight.

She was later arrested and charged with battery.

Trump has found a sure-fire way to shut down TikTok

He's going to buy it and run it himself.

The U.S Government has been shut down

You could say its hit a wall

The national bird of prey hospice had their annual play shut down by the authorities.

Apparently it was an ill-eagle act.

Why did Nintendo decide to shut down the Miiverse?

They grew tired of all the wiiposts.

Proud of myself, just came up with this stinker: Why did Twitter shut down Megatron's account?

Because it was discovered that most of his followers were auto bots.

Even though Sea World is shut down, the animals still need to be taken care of

Obama answers the call for volunteers. On his first day, they assign him to feed the baby dolphins.

As he is doing so, another volunteer accosts him "Our country is in crisis. Don't you have anything better to do?"

He replied "I think I'm serving a youthful porpoise."

Why did the factory raising grizzlies for their hides not get shut down permanently by the court?

They had a right to bear farms.

A reporter asked the president why the National Mint had been shut down

The president paused for a moment, then shrugged and said, “It just made cents.”

The weakening and eventual shut down to the AMOC is expected to reduce total precipitation in North America and increase it in Africa.

Hundreds of millions of North Americans experiencing the worst droughts in history will be like "I guess the rain's down in Africa."

The health inspector shut down the restaurant on the corner of main street and second avenue...

A new owner rebuilt the kitchen area. The inspector was very impressed with the new kitchen. Stainless steel counters and shelves. Floors of white marble. More lighting install making a bright and clean looking work area. Tongs hanging everywhere, the food was not touched by human hands.

The ...

Roy Moore opened a clothing store in Birmingham, but it was quickly shut down.

Parents were pretty upset when they realized "Teen girls clothes always half off" was the entry policy, not a sale.

Traffic shut down in many US cities today

Have you ever seen a angry woman drive?

I knew a successful businessman who decided to shut down everything and run a funeral parlor.

It was quite the undertaking.

How is Donald Trump going to shut down the department of education?

By renaming it 'Trump University'!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They had to shut down the T-Rex cloning program at the Oedipus Complex.

It was on the news this morning. Apparently, the entire staff was eaten by mother-fucking dinosaurs.

The government swore to shut down Fortnite due to claims of the video game aggravating children and teens worldwide.

Two weeks later, Fortnight was finished.

A doctor who ran his clinic out of a shopping center was shut down this week...

He was sued for mall-practice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend urinated on a robot capable of feeling emotions. It got angry, but then it shut down.

He really pissed it off.

When you're morbidly obese, you get shut down by lots of people. But the worst is when it comes from parents...

MOTHER NATURE AND FATHER TIME.

The public pool had to be shut down because they found five drowned blondes in the deep end.

Some kid had put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom.

I asked Dumbo what career options he would pursue, when the circus shut down, and if he would consider interesting opportunities

He said, "I don't know, but I'm all ears"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."


"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."


"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Bec...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm really upset that Vine is getting shut down, because I won't be able to use the phrase, "do it for the Vine" anymore...

"Do it or I'll fucking kill you" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

Due to COVID-19, North Korea has shut down all of its air and railway routes across its borders with China, and is keeping all foreigners arriving in the country via China isolated for up to one month.

TIL People are trying to get into North Korea.

An F-15 pilot was assigned to escort an aged B-52 Bomber

Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge. He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot.

"Ha! Anything you can do, I can do better!"

The bomber pilot replies, "Oh, yeah? Let's see you do this!" and kee...

The general and the truck

The brigade is moving for the exercise, and the general’s jeep has left camp last and is speeding to catch up the long column of trucks. After a bend in the road they come across one of their trucks, stopped with a wheel in the ditch. The general tells his driver to stop and jumps out to berate the ...

My Dad has the heart of a lion

and so much hate mail he had to shut down his dental practice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor was arrested subsequent to having sex with a patient

His veterinary practice was promptly shut down

Republicans are the true snowflakes.

They're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Remy the Chef Rat sits down on his therapist's couch.

His therapist says, "Remy, I haven't seen you in a while. How is everything going?"

Remy says "It's terrible. You know how I left my restaurant chef job to start my own brewpub? Well the health department just shut it down."

She says, "Oh no, Remy, that's horrible."

"And on top ...

I don't get it. When Civet's do it, it's the "smoothest" and "best" coffee.

When I do it, it's "disgusting" "depraved" and they shut down my cafe......

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Mint Contest

John runs a candy shop, selling mints of all kinds. Business was good, until Covid hit.

John realized he’ll have to shut down the store and risk losing his business, unless he could figure out a way to advertise and sell his confections on the Internet. His nephew suggested running a contest ...

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