A man enters the confessional...

A man enters the confessional after not attending church for many years. He pulls the curtain and sits inside. Surprised, he notices that there is a small bar with crystal glasses, nice cognacs and even a tap for draft beer. There is also a selection of luxury cigars, and on the wall is a calendar w...

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Fritz and his grandpa Hans sit atop a hill overlooking their cozy little village.

Hans points at one of the houses and says "See that house over there? I built that. But do the people of our village call me 'Hans the house builder'? No."

Then he points at a bridge crossing a small stream and says "And see that bridge over there? I built that as well. But do the people of o...

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

My wife asked me: "Shall we go bowling or stay cozy home."

I replied: " I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty hands. Let's go bowling!"

I don't care about your opinion, left will always be cozy and warm and right will always be cold and bitter

That's how the sink works

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'. . . and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was li...

One day in October, Humpty Dumpty went to the clothes store...

He picks out a nice sweater, a couple pair of socks, a coat, etc. He pays for them and leaves. He heads out and goes to get groceries, and buys milk, eggs, tuna fish, matches, and a single pumpkin. On his way home now, he sees a stray cat in the cold. Feeling charitable, he offers it some tuna fish,...

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A man brings home a X-Mas tree...

"Oh boy, this place looks amaaaazing! It is cozy and warm, so much better than the forest in which I grew up! What are those? kids? I love kids! and they are giving me clothes! Those balls are a bit heavy but they make for some really pretty earings. And those scarfs are so lustruous I wanna cry. Th...

A Jew, an Hindu and Karen survive a plane crash in the woods

They walk together trough the woods throughout the day and into the night looking for help.

At last, they find a little wooden house with a lit window and a barn next to it.

The Jewish man says:

"Finally, someone who can help us! Let's ask the owner if we can stay the night and ...

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The following add in the Atlanta Journal is reported to have received numerous calls

“Single female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.

I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play.

I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.

Candlelight dinners will have ...

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An Irishman walks into a cozy Brooklyn pub....

And he nods to the bartender.

"What can I getcha?"

The Irishman says, "Three pints of Guinness please."

"Sure thing, I'll pour this first one, just lemme know when you're ready for beer number two."

"No, no," says the Irishman, "If it's not a problem, just pour all three...

I was all cozy up in Mississippi and then all hell broke loose because...

Mr. Issippi came home early.

As soon as Don Cappelli and his thugs entered Mario’s restaurant

...all of the guests immediately stopped what they were doing and quietly left. Don Cappelli’s face was very well-known around the city, and while he was ‘saving’ business after business from going bankrupt and helping families at their time of need, nobody dared ask where his money came from, nor d...

A man feels burnt out by his busy city life, and decides to vacation as far away as possible from the hustle and bustle.

He finds himself in a cozy cabin just outside of a small, remote Alaskan town. For a few days he marvels at the serenity of the forest. He fishes, he hikes, he naps blissfully while listening to the trees sway. But by the middle of the week, he begins to get bored, and goes to town.

Checking...

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Three guys are knocking on heavens door. (Sorry for my english)

After a few minutes Petrus comes, wearing his cozy pyjamas, saying: "Guys its late, i need to get some rest, we are closed for today."
"Ehm Petrus", one man replied, "we are kinda dead so please open the door."
Petrus sighs. "Ok, each one of you tells me the story of his death, and if ...

Two Fleas on Vacation (nsfw)

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year, when one flea gets to Miami he is shivering and shaking.

The other flea asked him, "Why are shaking so badly?"

The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the moustache of a guy on a Har...

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Two moths

Two moths were in a house,

And they wished to have sex.

So they searched for a quiet place down the halls.

And when they found a cozy closet

Mrs.Moth started choking

On mothballs.

Why did the rooster cross the road?

In these troubled times, it can be hard to truly understand anyone’s motivations. True, the grass is always greener on the other side, and one might cross the road in hopes that those pastures truly will be more full of bird seed and such. But in doing so, one risks not only the near certain death...

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2 fleas meet in the city...

One of them is coughing hard and seems to be really sick.
The other one asks: "what the F happened to you?"
The other replies: "I did something stupid. I crawled into the mustache of a biker. Shit got cold quickly and now I'm stuck with the flu."

"Man that sucks, but I know something...

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A trucker is driving down a random stretch of highway

He happens upon a billboard while driving that reads...

Peaches, engineered for your taste!
Only 10 miles!

Mildly intrigued, the driver decides to check out what this means. "Engineered for my tastes, what bullshit!", he says.

Driving for the next couple miles, he final...

All he wanted was a coke

Larry was a lonely wanderer, traveling the vast country of the United States.

One evening, after a long day on the road he came across a small town named Healdsburg, after the founder Harmon Heald. Larry decided to stop in for a meal and a good nights rest. For his supper he had a wonderful ...

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Mountain Moonshine

Tom worked at a popular bar in New York City and had to deal with a lot of shitty people on a daily basis. To get away from everyone he decided to take a vacation far out west to find peace and solitude; a place where no one would bother him.

He rented a cabin deep in the wilds of Montana, w...

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Have I ever told you of Seamus? Oh no...

One evening while I was vacationing in Scotland, I had decided to visit a pub near the piers. It was an older establishment, and all the more cozy for it.
As I sat there enjoying my drink at the bar, I noticed that a drunken fellow a few stools away from me would occasionally glance at me and gr...

I can use some help with some painting . . .

A man looking for food and shelter comes upon a cozy house on a nice, small farm.

When the farmer answers the door, the man asks him, “Can you spare me something to eat? I haven’t eaten in several days and I'm not picky.”

The farmer says, “I never give anything away for free. I can giv...

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Winter was nearly here and lazy Bear hadn't yet bothered to build a den...

Winter was nearly here and lazy Bear hadn't yet bothered to build a den. While searching for a home he stumbled upon Fox putting the finishing touches on his. "Well well! This looks cozy, thanks for building me my new home Fox, now scram!" "B-b-but, that's not fair! I've spent weeks on this thing, y...

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A flea is sitting on a bench in Florida...

and he looks miserable. He has the sniffles, he's sneezing and has the chills. He has a blanket wrapped around him for warmth.
Just then a friend of his walks by and notices him sitting there all sick and dejected. The friend sits next to him.
"Liam! What's wrong? You look absolutely awful."<...

The story-teller was tired...

...yet the prince wanted to hear one last story before going to sleep. The poor storyteller couldn't defy his master's wish, so he began to tell him a story: "Once upon a time, there lived a rich man. He owned a pretty big farm, which was enough to satisfy the hunger of 13 entire cities. One day, a...

Batteries

My girlfriend and I were making out a few weeks ago but she didn't want to go all the way. When I left for the night I asked to borrow some batteries. "Sure" she says.

Two weeks later we're getting cozy but she shuts me down again. On my way out I borrow a few more batteries.

Finally,...

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3 dwarves. (kinda nsfw)

3 dwarves (very short fellas. Like the size of a thumb) are all looking for a place to live. They go around the world looking and finally decide the best place to settle down is on a womans body. The first one decides that he wants to live between the breasts. The second one chooses the stomach and ...

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The flea and the biker's beard

A flea walks into a bar, shivering and sneezing. The curious bartender asks the flea whats the matter.
Flea: "I hitched a ride here in biker's beard. That motorcycle ride must be the coldest trip I ever had."
The bartender decides to give the flea some advice.
Bartender: "Next time seek out...

A Tale of Two Fleas

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun, when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.

“Oscar, what happened to you?” asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wra...

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