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Mistletoe Jokes

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I started carrying mistletoe in my pocket...

....so everyone can kiss my ass.

If athletes get athletes feet, what do astronauts get?

>!Mistletoe!!!<

It's time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between mistletoe and cameltoe?

No joke here. I'm asking early. Just tired of getting thrown out of Christmas parties.

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Three people want to get into heaven

St Nicholas is the gatekeeper.

He says they must give him something related to Christmas to get in.

The first person reaches into his pockets and pulls out a leaf

St Nick looks confused, and says “How does this relate to Christmas?”

She replied “Mistletoe”, St N...

I was teaching my dyslexic friend how a mistletoe works.

I don't think he stoodunder it.

What does Mrs Claus get when she wears tight pants?

A mistletoe.

What weapon does Santa have?

Ballistic mistletoe

What is Kim Jong-un's favorite Christmas decor?

A mistletoe!

I was at a Christmas party with a stunning German girl . . .

I noticed she was standing directly underneath a Mistletoe. I approached her and asked flirtatiously 'Ooh, what's that little thing above you?'

'Its called an Umlaut.'

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So these three guys died on Christmas ...

When St. Peter greeted them at the Pearly Gates, he informed them that because they died on Christmas, each would have to show that he has something on his person related to Christmas in order to be admitted to the Kingdom of Heaven.

The first guy reaches in his pocket and pulls out a white e...

What's it called when Mrs Claus's trousers are too tight?

Mistletoe

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My wife thinks anal sex is like Christmas

It's better to give than receive.
I'm glad it only happens once a year because it's at least a week before i can sit down comfortably. I've learned, the hard way, to avoid mistletoe.

If an athlete gets athlete's foot, what does an astronaut get?

Mistletoe.

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Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men die close to Christmas. At the pearly gates, St. Peter greets them.

St. Peter looks at the three of them, and tells them that if they want to get into heaven, they have to present him with something related to Christmas.

The first man goes up, and confidently produces some holly from his pocket. St. Peter looks at it, and lets him in.

The second guy ...

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