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I started carrying mistletoe in my pocket...

....so everyone can kiss my ass.

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What's the difference between mistletoe and cameltoe?

No joke here. I'm asking early. Just tired of getting thrown out of Christmas parties.

Instead of mistletoe, we should hang up green citrus fruits

so when you stand under them, you’ll feel sublime.

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I was depressed, after some soul searching I discovered I sexually indentify as Mistletoe..

I can't wait to hang myself on Christmas.

I was teaching my dyslexic friend how a mistletoe works.

I don't think he stoodunder it.

What does Mrs. Claus get when she wears tight pants?

A Mistletoe

I was at a Christmas party with a stunning German girl . . .

I noticed she was standing directly underneath a Mistletoe. I approached her and asked flirtatiously 'Ooh, what's that little thing above you?'

'Its called an Umlaut.'

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Three men die close to Christmas. At the pearly gates, St. Peter greets them.

St. Peter looks at the three of them, and tells them that if they want to get into heaven, they have to present him with something related to Christmas.

The first man goes up, and confidently produces some holly from his pocket. St. Peter looks at it, and lets him in.

The second guy ...

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My wife thinks anal sex is like Christmas

It's better to give than receive.
I'm glad it only happens once a year because it's at least a week before i can sit down comfortably. I've learned, the hard way, to avoid mistletoe.

What's it called when Mrs Claus's trousers are too tight?

Mistletoe

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Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man p...

If an athlete gets athlete's foot, what does an astronaut get?

Mistletoe.

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