A couple of Blondes are out in the woods hunting.......

When one of them falls to the ground and her eyes close. The other blonde whips out her cell phone and calls 911. She gasps to the operator, “Help! Help! My friend Holly is dead! What should I do?” The operator, in a calm voice, says, “Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure she’s really de...

A traveling salesman had got lost one day while driving through the Midwest farm country. So he stopped at a farm house for directions.

While the farmer was giving the salesman directions, he noticed all the farm animals were penned except a 3 legged pig roaming around the farm yard.

Curious the salesman asked the farmer what was the story about the 3 legged pig.

"Why this is no ordinary pig. In fact he's quite amazing...

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Holly Dey had 2 kids.

Saturday and Sunday.

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The panda bear and the lizard were smoking pot in a tree.

At some point the lizard gets thirsty and heads to the river for a drink. Once the lizard gets there he meets the crocodile.

" what's the matter with you ? " asks the crocodile

" I've been smoking pot with the panda bear ,_hi hi_ "

"How dare he giving you drugs ?
that bas...

A census enumerator is working out in the country when he knocks on the door of a farmhouse.

A woman opens the door, and the man explains he’s with the census and she agrees to do the interview. Eventually he gets to the part where he asks if she has children.

“Let’s see,” says the woman, “There’s Timmy and Tammy; they’re 4. There’s Molly and Holly; they’re 8. There’s Terry and Larr...

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Box under the bed

When Eamonn and Ruth first got married Eamonn said, *“I am a sex addict and I’m putting a box under the bed to help control my addiction. You must promise never to look in it.”*

In all their 30 years of marriage, Ruth never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosit...

One of the lines in the song ‘Holly Jolly Christmas’ is, “I don’t know if there’ll be snow, but have a cup of cheer”.

I’m concerned that Tide Pod eaters will misunderstand.

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?

A Holly Davidson

Three young guys die in a car accident

Three young guys die in a car accident christmas eve and St Peter says if you can show me that you were in the Christmas spirit I'll send you back ! The first guy found some tinsel in his pocket so was sent back ! The second guy scratched around and found some Holly in his jacket and was reprieved! ...

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Three men die close to Christmas. At the pearly gates, St. Peter greets them.

St. Peter looks at the three of them, and tells them that if they want to get into heaven, they have to present him with something related to Christmas.

The first man goes up, and confidently produces some holly from his pocket. St. Peter looks at it, and lets him in.

The second guy ...

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A bus full of nuns crashes and they all die. Once at the doors of heaven they try to get in but St Peter lines them up to ask them if they’ve ever touched a penis

Calm down and form a line please. Let’s see, you first Sister Mary, have you ever touched a penis?

- “...well I did once but only with the tip of my finger”

- “That’s fine” - says St Peter, -“dip your finger in holly water and enter.

-What about you Sister Rose, have you ever...

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Crystal had her first period...

Crystal had her first period when she was alone at home and didn't knew what to do.

So, Cristal remembered that her friend, Johnny had a sister and went to his home.

When she arrived, she asks:

Hi Johnny, is your sister at home?

No, Crystal, why? you hardly speak to her. ...

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An arab at airport

An arab at airport:

\- Name?

\- Abdul Al Razhib.

\- Sex?

\- Three to five times a week.

\- No, no, I mean: male or female?

\- Yes... male, female, sometimes camel.

\- Holly cow!

\- Yes... cow, dog, even sheep.

\- But isn't that h...

Ronda Rousey says she contemplated suicide.

Holly Holm declined the rematch though.

A man was doing some last minute Christmas shopping and spotted a beautiful parrot through the window of a pet shop.

The man walked inside to get a better look, and the owner of the shop approached the man.

"That's Chet," the owner said, "He's a very special parrot."

"What do you mean special?" the man asked.

The owner struck a match and held it under the parrots left foot and Chet began to...

Xmas Joke Help

Hi All,

So December 1st is upon us (in Australia at least) and that means that it is time for me to begin my annual tradition of posting daily status updates on facebook with terrible xmas jokes until xmas. An advent calendar of xmas cracker jokes if you will.

Anyway this is my third o...

The farmer's wife went into a coma...

... at home, and he summoned the doctor.

"She's gone," said the doc after examining the woman. "I'm very sorry. I'll call the funeral home for you."

The morticians carried the body down the porch steps and started to round the corner of the house into the driveway when the lead bearer ...

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A man decides to get a pet for his wife for Christmas

He walks until the only pet store in town and begins to browse. He started to walk towards the dogs, but noticed the parrots next to the checkout. As he admires the birds, he notices that one of them was triple the price of the rest.

Intrigued, the man asks the owner, "What is so special abou...

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Talking Dog for Sale

A man was driving down a road and came across a sign in front of a house reading "Talking Dog for Sale." Out of curiosity he stops at the house and knocks on the door. An old man answers. The man asks, "I saw your sign saying that you have talking dog for sale." The old man replies, "I do. You ...

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Ollie and the pope

Everyday ollie would brag about how he knew everyone in the world to his boss. Until one day his boss got fed up and said "all right ollie you don't know tom cruise we're going to fly to holly wood knock on his door and see if he knows you!". So they flew out to Hollywood found tom cruises house and...

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room 302."

The Operator replied, "Let...

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A Foot and a Half!

It is Samantha's wedding day, which also means it is the first time she will get to make love to her newly-wed husband. Being nervous due to the fact that it was her first sexual experience, she asked her mom to be in the house in case something went wrong. Agreeing to this, Samantha takes her husba...

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