Christmas Card Jokes - 12 Hilarious Christmas Card Jokes

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I just got a Christmas card promising lots of anal and oral sex this year...

I fucking hate prison.

Little Jason was writing a Christmas card to his friend David

He asked his mum, "mum, how do I spell Merry Christmas"?

Mum: "You can find it on the card, it starts with the letter M".

A week later, David's mum sent a picture of a Christmas card to Jason's mum via Telegram. This was written in the card:

" David, Made in china. ...

I just got my first Christmas card in the mail. It was full of rice

Thats when I knew it was from Uncle Ben

Stamps

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. “What denomination?” asked the clerk. “Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman. “Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones.”

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So these three guys died on Christmas ...

When St. Peter greeted them at the Pearly Gates, he informed them that because they died on Christmas, each would have to show that he has something on his person related to Christmas in order to be admitted to the Kingdom of Heaven.

The first guy reaches in his pocket and pulls out a white e...

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My boss is always complaining about the toilet paper at work.

For Christmas, I sent him a 12-pack of ultra soft bathroom tissue and a Christmas card which read: “To the sensitive asshole that sits in the bossman’s chair.”

Dad dates a lot of Denise’s

So true story that I laugh about from time to time: as I sit here on the thrown I thought would share with the world...

My father dated three woman for various years but they just so happen to have the same name... Of course we noticed this poked fun at him about it but these are years apart...

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The Christmas Gift NSFW

One day, right before Christmas, George, the mailman, is greeted by Mrs. Johnston, in a nippleless bra, and crotchless panties. She pulls him into the house, and fucks him right on the foyer carpet. After, she takes his hand, leads him into the kitchen, where a full breakfast is awaiting them. She t...

It was the night before Christmas

Three colleagues were stumbling their way home after having several drinks after work, at the local pub. Unfortunately on their way home, they were struck by a car and all died instantly.

Moments later, they all found themselves in front of the pearly gates of heaven, Saint Nicolas was waiti...

How to wash a cat

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. At t...

One cold winter morning, during the Christmas season, a mailman was doing his route.

As he was
delivering all the Christmas cards, he came to a
house and realized that they had so much mail that
it wouldn't fit in the box, so he decided to knock
on the door.

As the door was answered, a beautiful blond woman
stood staring at him. The mailman said "I'm sorry
...

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So this guy gets transferred to Norway through his job.

He’s pretty excited about it. He’s working his dream job, he’s young, he doesn’t have a wife or kids, he’s looking forward to the adventure. The town he gets transferred to is beautiful. It looks like a Christmas card! The people are so nice and welcoming. He loves this town. He’s there for almost a...

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