How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

When I was a kid you could walk into a shop with a quarter and come out with 2 cokes, 3 bags of chips and an Ice cream...

Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can your dick touch your ass?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

When I get my vaccine do I need to do anything to keep my micro chips charged?

Or is getting a 5G signal enough?

When I was younger, I used to go to the store with a dollar, and come out with a pop, a bag of chips and a pack of gums...

Now, they have cameras.

What do You Call Tortilla Chips With Guns?

Loaded Nachos

Once I got fired from my job just because I was eating chips while I was working.

And after that, I couldn't get a job at any of the other casinos either.

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. They step up to a par 3.

Jesus is up first. He drives the ball short, into the water trap in front of the green. So Jesus, being Jesus, walks on the water, chips the ball onto the green and putts for par.

Moses is next. He drives the ball into the same water trap. So Moses, being Moses, parts the water, chips the bal...

What does a bag of chips and a gun have in common

When u pull them out in class,suddenly everybody want to be your friend

Which fast food produces the most radiation?

>!Fission chips. !<

Dad: Son, you know what? Back in my days, I walk in a store just with a single dollar and come home with a bag of potato chips and two chocolate bars.

Now they have cameras everywhere.

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.

The barkeep says "That'll be 2 pence"

"2 pence!?" said the man. "That's cheap! Do you sell food?"

"Yep" , said the barkeep

"Alright, I'll have a steak and chips" replied the man

"Sure" said the barkeep, "That's also 2 pe...

When i was a kid, you could go into a store with a dollar and walk out with a soda, 4 candy bars, chips, and some gum...

But now, they have security cameras everywhere

[not my joke, I got it from somewhere just don't remember where, and it's provably unfunny but it made me laugh a lil]

Give a man a fish and he'll ask for chips.

Give a man chips and he'll beg for salt.

Give a man salt and he's going to want a drink.

Give a man enough drink, and he'll start complimenting your wife.

Give a man your wife and you can go fishing as much as you'd like.

What did Andrew Cuomo's battery say to the female aide's chips

I'm Eveready if you're Frito Lay

I like my jokes how I like my Lay's chips

Original.

I heard the government was putting chips in people.

Well mine better be sour cream and onion.

What did the bag of chips say to the angry pigeons?

I don't want to ruffle any feathers

A man comes home for his nutritionist appointment.

He tells his wife, "These doctors need to get their act together. This one told me stay away from chips, but the other one told me to get the vaccine."

What do you call an empty ring of wet wood chips?

Mulch a-dew about nothing

I know for a fact corporations are trying to put chips in our bodies

Lay's and Ruffles are buy one get one free at the grocery store

My friend was mad at me because I ate all the chips at her party

I'm no longer welcome to play poker with them

I remember when I was a kid, you could go to a store with $1 and buy 2 bags of chips, a large pop, 4 candy bars, and a pack of big league chew!

Nowadays they have cameras everywheres.

I go to the store and buy 4 bags of chips and 6 sodas, if I eat 3 bags of chips and drinks 5 sodas what do I have?

No self-control.

A man in a pub asks for a beer.

A man in a pub asks for a beer.

The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one dollar."

"One dollar?" exclaims the man.

Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?"

"Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be two dollars."

"Two dollars?" cries the man.
...

A smoking room in a big tech corporation

A smoking room in a big tech corporation (because the equipment is so fragile and sensitive that smoking is not allowed nearby). A lot of smoke and talk - circuits, chips, boards, punch cards and so on.

Then a young technician suddenly says, "Why we're always talking about tech things only? W...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When a priest really has to crap, he says "holy shit!". When a priest needs some dip for his chips, he yells "holy guacamole!" What does a priest say when masturbates without any lubrication?

Holy smoke!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Remember the good old days when you can walk into a gas station with $1 and walk out with two bags of chips, beef jerky, and a drink?

Nowadays, there’s cameras everywhere.

A girl was at the store getting a sandwich and some chips and the guy at the checkout asked "do you want to go for a drink?"

To which she says "I'm flattered but I have a boyfriend"

And the guy replied "No. It's part of the meal deal"

So me and the girlfriend are on the couch watching some TV...

I hear my phone that I left in the kitchen get a text, so I get up to look...

It came from the GF: *"Please bring some chips on your way back".*

Why does nobody touch Sean Connery's chips?

They heard their flavor was shower cream and onion

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Updating a classic for modern times [long]

When the news of covid hit Tammy said "I don't need to worry, God will protect me."


Well when lock downs started Tammy said "I don't need to worry, God will protect me". And she continued to see her friends, and be rude to restaurant staff when she got take out and show up to places tha...

I grabbed the chips out of the pantry

and looked through the fridge for some dip.

It wasn't where I thought it should be.

I glanced in askance towards my wife who was warming up noodles on the stove.

Next to her on the counter, a visibly empty jar.

Aghast, I shouted: "That was NACHO CHEESE!"

Two birds are in a marathon...

(joke best read aloud!)

Two birds are in a marathon...

They are by far in first place so rest on a bench in a park. The first bird sees some chips in car just sitting there.

Excitedly, he points it out to the second bird, "Hey there's some chips in that car!"

The second b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.

He told me to fuck off and buy my own.

In Las Vegas people can tithe by dropping casino chips into the offertory.

And at the end of each weekend, there is a Brother that goes around to all the casinos to cash them out and make a deposit.

He's the Chip Monk.

A woman has a failing marriage, and she feels bad about it.

Her husband won't listen to her or acknowledge her, or anything. All he does is sit on the couch watching football and waiting for meals. The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet.

At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. S...

What do bags of chips and water have in common?

They're both 1/3 oxygen.

A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips...

"Are you the friar?" he asked.

The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."

Decided to eat some chips yesterday

Apparently that's "super weird" and "completely inappropriate at a poker game"

An American is lecturing a British person,

saying things like “it’s an elevator not a lift” and “it’s chips not crisps” etc. After a while of this the British person calmly retorted “they’re schools, not shooting ranges”.

What's a cannibals favorite thing to eat with tortilla chips?

People de gallo.

Have you heard of Cape Cod Potato Chips?

apparently they are so good they actually named a whole cape after them

How do you make any bag of chips into a family size

Give it to an orphan!

I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips...

'Are you the friar? ' I asked him.
'No, I am the chip monk' he replied.

I walked into the store and asked "do you have any helicopter flavoured chips?"

The cashier says "no , we just have plain".

What's an Irish seven course meal?

a six pack and a bag of chips

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy walked up to the counter and said 'Burger and chips please,'

'Certainly sir,' I replied. 'Are you eating in or taking out?'

'Fuck off you cunt,' he snapped, before walking off with his food.

I love working in the prison canteen.

Scottish chip shop joke

scotsman: Chips and a steak and kidley pie please

Server: you said kidley

scotsman: no I didley

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes home to his wife, after being fired from his job at a chips factory

The wife acts surprised, because the man has been employee of the month for 13 months in a row.

She asks "What happened?"

"I got fired for putting my penis in the potato cutter. It's been a dream of mine, and I couldn't resist it anymore", the man replied.

The wife, even more...

You know why jokes about chips with cheese on them are the best ?

They're NACHO JOKES !

After losing at the European Championships to The Czechs, Dutch fans were said to be blazing

Meaning twenty minutes later they were a lot calmer and just craving chips.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The prisoners’ last meals

3 prisoners were sentenced to death row and offered their last meal. The first one, a Brit said, fish and chips and a really good drink. And the guards gave it to him.

The second one, an Italian said, the finest risotto. And the guards gave it to him.

The third one, a Jew said strawb...

The Seagull and The Octopus

There once was a seagull with sore feet. He had been perching on a seaside railing all day and was starting to get blisters. He had tried going swimming, but the salt water seemed to irritate them and make them worse. He had tried flying, but he soon got so tired that he had to stop. He was in agony...

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Si...

When I was a kid, you could walk into a gas station with a $1 bill and leave with a bag of chips, a candy bar, and a coke.

Now, they have cameras everywhere.

Why was I charged so much for eating chips?

The casino man said he'd never seen anything quite like it

Which famous Arab invented potato chips?

Sultan Vinegar

Wisdom of ages

Johnny is cutting his nails when his grandpa stops by, and comments that he should not be cutting nails on a Thursday. Knowing that grandpa is the superstitious kind, Johnny ignores him and carries on.

A few weeks later grandpa visits again, and guess what - it is Thursday, and he catches Jo...

Grandad "Here's 5 bucks, bring me back a 6 pack and a bag of chips." Grandson "Grandad, 5 bucks isnt enough" Grandad "back in my day...

2 bucks could get you a beer, chips, a chocolate bar, a sandwhich and a newspaper!

Nowadays you can't do that anymore, there's cameras everywhere!"

What’s the difference between Lays potato chips and a balloon

Balloons should be filled with air

Why didn't the potato chips believe anything the sandwich said?

Because the sandwich was full of baloney

Couldn't astronauts just bring thousands of chip bags to the moon with them?

They get both air and chips.

Sitting with my shoes off next to a warm campfire eating corn chips.

Tostitos

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day.

After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "G...

What do you call eating chips and salsa naked?

Skinny dipping

A man walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk if he's got any helicopter flavored potato chips.

The clerk's replies, no, sorry, we're all out...

But, I've got plane.

I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd pick up fish and chips on the way home.

I was met with a stoney silence. Something tells me that she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

I go to the store and buy ten hotdogs, nine burgers, three bags of chips, and six sodas. If I eat nine hot dogs, seven burgers, three bags of chips, and drink five sodas, what do I have?

No self control

In the past I could get into a store with a penny and came out with 2 coke cans, 1 bag of chips and some mints, but not anymore...

...the store put cameras today.

Which Spanish Explorers took chips with them on their expeditions to Central America?

The Con-Qeuso-dors!

A man walks Into a library and asks “can I have some fish and chips please?” The librarian replies “sir, this is a library”

“Oh sorry!”
*whispers* “can I have some fish and chips?”

What's the saddest type of fish and chips?

a battered sole.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church.....

They all look at you with disgust, but deep down, you know they want some, too.

A large man goes to his doctor concerned about his weight.

“I really need to lose some weight. What is the best way to do that?”

The doctor replied, “Don't eat anything fatty.”

“What, you mean stuff like burgers and chips, pizza, bacon, etc?”

“No, as I said before, fatty, don't eat anything"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess immediately said, "No!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and never paid child support...

Bee sting

A husband and wife are out playing golf. At the turn, they decide to go in for a drink and bag of chips. The golf pro looks at them and asks, “how’d you hit ‘em?” The woman replies, “good, but I got stung by a bee between the first and second hole.”

The pro looks at her and says, “then your ...

A funny story written by some of my Chinese students, 10/11 years old. i hope it makes you laugh

The Foolish Farmer


 
A long time ago, there was a farmer who had never been to the city before. One day, he went to the supermarket in the city. He saw a rubber that was like a small car. He asked the seller, “Why is this car so small?”
 


The seller replied, “ Its not a c...

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