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Four doctors are talking. "The British doctor says, medicine is so advanced in Britain that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

So Fred has accidentally cut off John's ear with his spade.

John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John's ear.

"Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it they can sew it back on."

After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is", handing the ear to John....

Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off

I think I'm being stalked

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Russia has been cut off from CNN, CBS, ABC Pornhub, Facebook...

US is working depriving Russians of McDonalds, Coca-Cola and US fastfood. They continue with these sanctions and Russian people will probably be the most healthiest, well adjusted, spiritual and well informed people on the planet.

A friend of mine cut off the tip of ants feet and attached stilts to their legs.

Now he has lack toes and taller ants...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A wife tried to cut off her husband's penis and missed.

She should've been charged for more, but only ended up getting charged with a Misdaweiner.

Me to a ninja: Hey, can you show me how you precisely cut off tree branches with those throwing stars?

“Shuriken.”

(Came up with this ex nihilo, please like)

Justin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Justin to pull over.

When Justin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Justin, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"

He then went to Justin's car and cut up its leather seats.

When he turned aroun...

Don't cut off the skin, it's the best part!

Said the priest to the rabbi.

After having his title stripped and funds cut off by the Royal Family, Harry has taken up painting to supplement his income.

He’s the Artist formerly known as Prince.

did you hear about the guy who got all of his left side cut off?

he's all right now

What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?

Van Stay

If you cut off a chickens head it can still run around for a little bit

If you cut off its legs it cannot

Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?

Now normally I would say he’s all right. But actually he’s dead.

He cut off both of my legs and then asked me a question I couldn't answer.

I'm stumped.

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the ...

The curtain opens, showing a man fighting in a war. Then he gets captured by the enemy, and gets his feet cut off. The curtain closes. What is the name of the play?

De-feeted in battle!

One day a man working at a lumber mill had his finger cut off.

When he got home after work and told his wife she asked, "The whole finger?" He replied, "No, the one next to it."

What do you call a unicorn that had its horn cut off?

A eunuchorn!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woman tries to cut off Lover's penis (NSFW)

But misses and cuts his thigh.....charged with a misdaweiner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman found her lover cheating and tried to cut off his penis, but missed and hit his thigh...

she was charged with a misdeweiner.

The convicted Australian criminal Mark "Chopper" Reid, who had his ears cut off in prison, wrote a book called No Tears for a Tough Guy.

Maybe it should've been called No Ears for a Tough Guy.

How bad does it hurt to get a finger cut off?

I'd say about a 9 out of 10

Someone cut off 8 of my fingers...

But I'm glad to report my typing speed is unaffected

(Credits to Mitch Hedberg)

Did you hear about the man who had his right side cut off

He's dead. Died from blood loss. Poor guy. On the bright side, his family got what's left of him.

"Answer all my questions, or I'll cut off your legs at the knees," said my interrogator.

I did pretty well for a while, but eventually he stumped me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Lorena Bobbitt famously cut off her husbands wiener and drove across town with it, she decided to throw it out the car window and when she did it hit the windshield of the car behind her with 2 old ladies in it, the driver said “what kind of bug was that!?” and the passenger said,..

“I don’t know but did you see the dick on that thing?!”

Why did the Jewish dad cut off his son's gaming budget?

Because his son had four skins already.

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CUT OFF ONE OF MONA LISA'S EARS?

MONO LISA

What do you call a a tree after you've cut off the limbs?

An amputree

I cut off the end of my foot but the Doctor wouldn’t treat me.

Turns out he was lack toes intolerant.

A surgeon cut off the wrong leg at my hospital today!!!

The orthopedic surgeon at the local hospital I work at accidentally cut off the wrong leg of an infected diabetic patient. After he realized he cut off the wrong leg he couldn't leave the the other infected leg attached. So he had all of the administration and attorneys meet him in the operating ro...

Guy moves to America, just learning English, gets cut off in traffic and yells 'E# Female Sheep'

buddy in the car goes, um, no, it's f u

Why did Cersei cut off The Hound's balls?

Because a Lannister always spays his pets.

In the distant past your limbs would simply be cut off if you got an infection

This was the med-evil period

The best way to die is too cut off the left side of your body

Because even though you will have nothing left, you will be all right

My wife was worried about getting older, so before she woke up on her birthday, I cut off all the white hairs she had.

For some reason, she woke up bald and in a bad attitude

Two knights where battling when one of them got both of their feet cut off

He was defeated

One day in a factory accident, one of the workers gets all 10 of his fingers cut off.

They rush him to the emergency room.

Doctor: Don't worry, we can reattach your fingers. Where are they?
Worker: They're back at the factory.
Doctor: What!? Why didn't you bring them?
Worker: I couldn't pick them up!

You should never cut off an addicts supply line, they will lash out in anger and do everything in their power to stop you.

This is why I avoid talking about abortions with my Priest.

How does a man who has just had his legs cut off at the ankles feel?

Defeated

Did you hear that the director to Pulp Fiction is making a movie based off of a Belgian comic book where the main character gets deathly ill with an incredibly infectious disease and therefore has to cut off all contact with the outside world?

It's "Quentin Tarantino's *Tintin's Quarantino*".

The police finally caught the guy who cut off my arm.

People say he's evil, but I think he just needed a shoulder to cry on.

What do you say to a man who's fallen ill from dehydration after their water supply was cut off?

Hope you get well soon.

What do you call it when a song is cut off before it ends?

...a clefhanger.

A doctor unnecessarily cut off a man’s leg

It was a baloney amputation

(my own original joke!)

I went into the hairdressers and people were getting their heads cut off with giant pruning scissors

It was shear barberism.

I had the left side of my body cut off...

But I'm all right.

I knew a guy who had his left arm and left leg cut off...

To cut a long story short I’m in jail and he is dead

In order to finish my 2016 resolution, i cut off my left leg...

That way, I'll reach my goal of losing 20 pounds AND start 2017 off on the right foot!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what is it called if your penis head gets cut off?

a dickapitation.

What did the octopus say when the fisherman cut off its tenticles?

See ya later suckers!

What do you do if you accidentally cut off your cat's tail?

Take him to WalMart. They are the largest retailer in the world.

What's it called when you cut off Leonardo DiCaprio's head

DiCapritation

Guy calls his wife and says, "I had an accident at the factory today - a machine cut off my finger!"

His wife asks, "The whole finger?"

He replies, "No, the one next to it."

A scientist wanted to study the length of a frog’s jump, he began the study by telling the frog to jump, it jumped 10 feet. He then cut off the frog’s front legs and told it to jump, it jumped 5 feet. The scientist then cut off the frog’s back legs.

He told it to jump once more but it remained motionless. The scientist concluded that when you cut a frog’s legs off it becomes deaf.

i think ive gone insane. i cut off my nose.

nothing makes scents anymore.

Why do rednecks wear t-shirts with the sleeves cut off?

They have the right to bare arms.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you cut off a redneck's dick?

Kick his sister in the jaw

Hear about the guy whose brother cut off his leg below the ankle?

Treachery was a foot.

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