A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

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[NSFW] A wife tried to cut off her husband's penis and missed.

She should've been charged for more, but only ended up getting charged with a Misdaweiner.

He cut off both of my legs and then asked me a question I couldn't answer.

I'm stumped.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?

He's all right now.

I almost cut off my beard today.

That was a close shave.

After having his title stripped and funds cut off by the Royal Family, Harry has taken up painting to supplement his income.

He’s the Artist formerly known as Prince.

What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?

Van Stay

For Cake Day, here’s my favorite pun: Did you hear about the guy who got his entire left side cut off?

He’s all right now. Sadly, there’s nothing left of him.

Did you see that car crash today where the guy got the entire left side of his body cut off?

He's all right now

The convicted Australian criminal Mark "Chopper" Reid, who had his ears cut off in prison, wrote a book called No Tears for a Tough Guy.

Maybe it should've been called No Ears for a Tough Guy.

One day a man working at a lumber mill had his finger cut off.

When he got home after work and told his wife she asked, "The whole finger?" He replied, "No, the one next to it."

What do you call a unicorn that had its horn cut off?

A eunuchorn!

Someone keeps sending me roses with the heads cut off

I think I'm being stalked

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the ...

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Woman tries to cut off Lover's penis (NSFW)

But misses and cuts his thigh.....charged with a misdaweiner.

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CUT OFF ONE OF MONA LISA'S EARS?

MONO LISA

I once cut off three fingers by mistake.

I am really bad at making jello.

If you cut off your left arm

Your right arm will be left

I received a bunch of flowers for valentines day, with the heads cut off

I think I was being stalked

Someone cut off 8 of my fingers...

But I'm glad to report my typing speed is unaffected

(Credits to Mitch Hedberg)

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When Lorena Bobbitt famously cut off her husbands wiener and drove across town with it, she decided to throw it out the car window and when she did it hit the windshield of the car behind her with 2 old ladies in it, the driver said “what kind of bug was that!?” and the passenger said,..

“I don’t know but did you see the dick on that thing?!”

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A woman found her lover cheating and tried to cut off his penis, but missed and hit his thigh...

she was charged with a misdeweiner.

The best way to die is too cut off the left side of your body

Because even though you will have nothing left, you will be all right

What do you call a a tree after you've cut off the limbs?

An amputree

"Answer all my questions, or I'll cut off your legs at the knees," said my interrogator.

I did pretty well for a while, but eventually he stumped me.

A surgeon cut off the wrong leg at my hospital today!!!

The orthopedic surgeon at the local hospital I work at accidentally cut off the wrong leg of an infected diabetic patient. After he realized he cut off the wrong leg he couldn't leave the the other infected leg attached. So he had all of the administration and attorneys meet him in the operating ro...

Why did Cersei cut off The Hound's balls?

Because a Lannister always spays his pets.

Why did the Jewish dad cut off his son's gaming budget?

Because his son had four skins already.

In the distant past your limbs would simply be cut off if you got an infection

This was the med-evil period

One day in a factory accident, one of the workers gets all 10 of his fingers cut off.

They rush him to the emergency room.

Doctor: Don't worry, we can reattach your fingers. Where are they?
Worker: They're back at the factory.
Doctor: What!? Why didn't you bring them?
Worker: I couldn't pick them up!

How bad does it hurt to get a finger cut off?

I'd say about a 9 out of 10

The police finally caught the guy who cut off my arm.

People say he's evil, but I think he just needed a shoulder to cry on.

Did you hear that the director to Pulp Fiction is making a movie based off of a Belgian comic book where the main character gets deathly ill with an incredibly infectious disease and therefore has to cut off all contact with the outside world?

It's "Quentin Tarantino's *Tintin's Quarantino*".

You should never cut off an addicts supply line, they will lash out in anger and do everything in their power to stop you.

This is why I avoid talking about abortions with my Priest.

Guy moves to America, just learning English, gets cut off in traffic and yells 'E# Female Sheep'

buddy in the car goes, um, no, it's f u

I cut off the end of my foot but the Doctor wouldn’t treat me.

Turns out he was lack toes intolerant.

Two knights where battling when one of them got both of their feet cut off

He was defeated

Did you hear about the man who had his right side cut off

He's dead. Died from blood loss. Poor guy. On the bright side, his family got what's left of him.

My wife was worried about getting older, so before she woke up on her birthday, I cut off all the white hairs she had.

For some reason, she woke up bald and in a bad attitude

A doctor unnecessarily cut off a man’s leg

It was a baloney amputation

(my own original joke!)

I went into the hairdressers and people were getting their heads cut off with giant pruning scissors

It was shear barberism.

What would happen if an Ice Cream’s feet are cut off?

It would lack toes.

When i got my gun license, first thing i did was cut off a bear’s front legs. No legal action was taken

Because i had the right to bear arms

What do you say to a man who's fallen ill from dehydration after their water supply was cut off?

Hope you get well soon.

How does a man who has just had his legs cut off at the ankles feel?

Defeated

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It’s been 20 years since Lorena Bobbitt cut off her husband, John Bobbitt’s penis

When asked by a local news reporter how his life has changed in the last 20 years John replied; “I spent many years holding a grudge over what she did to me that night. But now, 20 years on I can’t keep it up.”

What do you call it when a song is cut off before it ends?

...a clefhanger.

I knew a guy who had his left arm and left leg cut off...

To cut a long story short I’m in jail and he is dead

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what is it called if your penis head gets cut off?

a dickapitation.

I had the left side of my body cut off...

But I'm all right.

In order to finish my 2016 resolution, i cut off my left leg...

That way, I'll reach my goal of losing 20 pounds AND start 2017 off on the right foot!

What did the octopus say when the fisherman cut off its tenticles?

See ya later suckers!

A scientist wanted to study the length of a frog’s jump, he began the study by telling the frog to jump, it jumped 10 feet. He then cut off the frog’s front legs and told it to jump, it jumped 5 feet. The scientist then cut off the frog’s back legs.

He told it to jump once more but it remained motionless. The scientist concluded that when you cut a frog’s legs off it becomes deaf.

Why do rednecks wear t-shirts with the sleeves cut off?

They have the right to bare arms.

What do you do if you accidentally cut off your cat's tail?

Take him to WalMart. They are the largest retailer in the world.

What's it called when you cut off Leonardo DiCaprio's head

DiCapritation

i think ive gone insane. i cut off my nose.

nothing makes scents anymore.

Guy calls his wife and says, "I had an accident at the factory today - a machine cut off my finger!"

His wife asks, "The whole finger?"

He replies, "No, the one next to it."

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How do you cut off a redneck's dick?

Kick his sister in the jaw

Hear about the guy whose brother cut off his leg below the ankle?

Treachery was a foot.

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