*At the hospital*

“What’s your height, sir?”

“183 cm, doctor.”

“I’m no doctor, sir. I’m the coffin maker...”

What do you call a French leather coat maker...?

Jim Lapel.

What do you call it when perfume makers try to take over the world?

Cologneialism

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lee Smart was always a trouble maker throughout his life.

In school, Lee Smart was always getting in trouble. His friend, Isaac, always stuck by his side, though. They were always best friends.

Though Isaac was getting sick of Lee’s crap. Lee kept drinking and driving, he kept smoking Marijuana and snorting Cocaine. Isaac was so close to just leavi...

Why doesn't a coffee maker need that third prong on its electrical plug?

The beans are ground.

I once asked a cheese maker if there was any way he could make me a block of cheddar using soy milk.

Hey said, "I'm sorry, but there's no whey."

Why couldn’t the pasta maker get into his apartment?

Because he had gnocchi.

Why shouldn't you let a shoe maker use your bathroom?

They'll clog your toilet.

What do you call a new dress-maker who is uncomfortable with the idea of customers testing her merchandise?

A seamstress who seems stressed when you stress the seams.

A journalist was tasked to interview the best costume maker in the world...

So the journalist asked for an appointment with the costume maker, and luckily, he accepted.

Now this costume maker might be famous, but no one but himself and a few people know his real name. His identity was shrouded in mystery. The name he goes by is Mr. D.D., which are his initials. The j...

How do you make a coffee maker cry?

With a very dark roast.

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah." she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."

Why was the protein powder maker never satisfied with his work?

He always kept looking for new wheys to improve

What did one window maker say to the other who was having a tough day?

No pane no gain!

I got fired from my job as a stencil maker.

I guess it just wasn't cut out for me.

They arrested the overweight soap maker

Apparently he was a big fat lyer.

What do you call a Finnish coffee maker?

A perkele-tor!

What do you call a really old clothes maker?

Tailor old as time.

What does a Jewish beer maker do?

He brews

She was only a whiskey-maker's daughter

but he loved her still.

What did the Redditor say to the yogurt maker?

Ah, I see you're a man of culture.

Watch makers are the best people to date.

They make time for you.

A man walks up to a russian clock maker

A man walks up to a russian clock maker. He says, "My clock just goes tik, tik, tik, it never goes tok!

The russian clock maker holds a flashlight up to the clock and yell: WE HAVE WAY OF MAKE YOU TOK

Where do poor Italian noodle makers live?

In the Spaghetto.

The cabinet maker

A woman in Tel-Aviv finally saves enough money to buy a new hand-made cabinet, and has it installed in her home, which faces the street whereby bus number 5 passes.

As she is admiring her new purchase, she notices that bus number 5 passes her house, and as it does, the cabinet doors open up...

Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo "Head and Shoulders"...

…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."

Instead of working out, I'm just going to get a label maker.

I'll label my scale "1-10", then every time I step on it I'll be reminded that on a scale of 1-10, I'm a 220.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Ra...

A man hated his job as a lamp maker

A man named Jim decided to sell his own lamps but didn't sell any. His friends tried helping Jim by advertising, but to no avail. Jim hated it. Now he had a ton of lamps in his home. One day a robber broke into Jim's house and stole all of the lamps. All of Jim's friends felt terrible for Jim. When ...

I bought a bread-maker but the sales assistant tried to talk me out of it

He said there was no knead

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do candy makers get?

Tic tac toe

What is a Vietnamese sandwich maker’s favorite pick up line?

Banh mi.

My grandpa always says, “When one door closes, another opens.”

He was a good man, but a lousy cabinet maker.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Do they call me Craig the fence maker?

Bill was an American tourist in Scotland when he wandered off the trail and got lost. He wandered around for hours and was starting to worry when the sun went down. In the darkness, he saw a tiny light on top of a hill. He knew it meant civilization so he started walking towards it.

After an...

A pen maker's joke

I asked the ink drop why it looked so sad.

He said his mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long her sentence would be.

Why did the boat maker from France have so many allies?

He was great at building French ships.

Why are pizza makers always poor?

Because they knead dough to make a living.

What do sushi makers have in common with Spanish pirates?

They both seek fortuna.

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

My sister is an expert pastry-maker.

She has to be to stay employed, her job has a high turnover rate.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Poor McGregor can't catch a break

A young Irishman sits down for a pint at his local pub, and soon the Scot on the stool next to him
strikes up a conversation:

You see the fishing pier out that window? asks the Scot. I built that pier with me own bare hands.
But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-maker?' No.

...

They say don’t put all your eggs in one basket....but who are “they”?

Basket makers looking to sell more units.

What do you say to an overworked clothing maker?

You seamstressed.

What do you call a fast clothes maker?

Taylor Swift!

Made up by my nine year old :)

Did you hear about the dress maker who went to the ATM?

She was electrocuted when she put in her pin.

Did you hear about the kilt maker that went to prison?

He had quite the chequered past.

What's a sausage makers favourite band?

Linkin Pork

Why are mirror makers proud of what they do?

Their work is a reflection of themselves.

Did the depressed rope maker succeed?

Sadly, he did knot.

I overheard some kids saying they were planning on doing a shooting at my old highschool.

I went over and told them I used to go there. I said i figured I'd save them some time and show them the best areas to do the shooting.

Afterward they thanked me but asked perplexed why i would help them.

I said "Just thought I could help some up and coming film makers. Us artists gott...

Coffee maker in the IT department doesn't work

Try reinstalling Java.

What was built after the Indian sandwich maker's shop burned down?

A New Delhi

Why are hunters good love-makers?

They always go deep in the bush, they can shoot more than once, and eat what they shoot.

Why are jewish potion makers all male?

He brew

I just got a futuristic coffee maker.

It was a ground-breaking development.

I tried washing my coffee maker today

Now I'm no longer allowed in Starbucks unless the barista has the restraining order removed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck..

and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps his fingers, an...

An amateur group of Islamic film makers have posted a video on YouTube which mocks Christianity and Jesus Christ.

It is believed to be so offensive that St Mary's church in Dublin have postponed their tea and cake morning until next Wednesday, and Dorothy O'Neill from Dinlge has written a strongly worded letter.

When will the madness end?

Why did the woman marry the shoe maker?

Because she was his sole mate.

There once was a right-handed girl who tried her best to be left-handed every now and then...

There once was a right-handed girl who tried her best to be left-handed every now and then. She felt hungry one morning and went to her kitchen to make a ham and cheese toastie.

She thought this would be a good time to practise using her left hand. However things didn't go well: she cut her f...

What is that thing, which the maker cannot use, and the user cannot see?

Coffin

I used to sell office supplies to the mafia, file cabinets and label makers and such

I was involved in very organized crime

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the butter maker not tell anybody his secret recipe?

He was afraid they'd spread it around.

A coffin maker was on his way to deliver a coffin

...when his car broke down. Trying not to be late he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.

A policeman saw him, told him to stop and asked, "Hey what are you carrying and where are you going?"

The man replied,

"I do not like where I was buried so I ...

What did both the bomb expert and the digital clock maker say to their mother?

Look, Ma! No hands!

What did the cheese maker say after his factory was hit by lightning?

I've created a muenster.

I know, I know, it was cheesy joke.

What did the bread maker say to the wheat?

I loave you.

A Rabbi's money maker.

A man asks a Rabbi if he gets paid for the circumcisions. The Rabbi says
- No, I can't do that! I just Keep the tips!

Did you hear about the lazy perfume-maker?

He made no scents.

A furniture-maker got caught by his wife coming in at 4am

"Damn it, Jesse! I will not let you ruin our marriage over one night stand!"

Just heard this variation on an oldie!

A hat maker was trying to sell his hats on a hot summers day. After having no luck for 4 hours under the sun, he decided to take a short rest underneath a gigantic tree. He set his briefcase of hats down, took one out to cover his face, and laid down on the grass. With the shade from his hat and the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There is a store in Spain that sells exquisite handmade writing instruments.

This store has all kinds of bespoke fountain pens and rollerball pens and even ball point pens. There are pens made of fine hard woods and precious metals inlaid with all kinds of gems. These pens are all handmade by artisans who have been in the business for generations.

But what really sets...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bill, a small business owner is at work one day and hears God speak to him.

"Bill, this is God," says a booming voice, "You need to sell your business and go to Las Vegas with all of your proceeds."

Bill is understandably shocked and when he asks God why he should do that, the instructions are repeated, only louder. So Bill, having been raised a God- fearing person, ...

How are a sword maker and the Fresh Prince of Bel Air alike?

They're both black smiths

A priest, a rabbi and an engineer are being lead to the guillotine to be executed.....

The priest tells the executioner, "I want to meet my maker face to face, can I lie on my back?"

The executioner says, "I see no problem with that."

As the blade comes down it stops halfway. The executioner sees this as a miracle and sets the priest free.

The rabbi makes the same...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

O'Connor The...

So, I was having a conversation with some old irish guy at the pub, was pretty swell. We talked about life, hobbies, interests and then, jobs... Old guy starts with looking at the table, says out "Well I built dat table, but dey don't call me O'Connor De Table Maker." He looks to me, "I help some pe...

How the Internet started according to the bible.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Married man picks up a girl at the bar

Married man picks up a lady at the bar, riding his motorcycle to her house he hits a cow. Police show up and the lady has a broken leg. He gets home and the wife heard it all on the police scanner and ask him what the hell was the lady doing? Husband said I dont know what that drunk bitch was doing ...

Victorinox, the makers of Swiss Army knives, recently branched out into the medical supply business after developing a universal tool fit for every hospital ICU.

Their marketing slogan: "For all intensive purposes."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] A ship captain has the best crew but...

Every time he goes out to sea they drink all his rum. If it was any other crew he would get rid of them but they are the best he has ever worked with. So came up with a plan to recoup his costs. He gathers his crew and tells them "You are the best crew I have ever had but something needs to be done ...

A reddit user goes to order a foot long sandwich...

The sandwich maker asks, "What would you like on your sandwich?"

The user says, "Oh, I like anything on a sub, except for mayonnaise and reposts"

What do you call a Vegan with diarrhea?

A smoothie maker!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A college kid was hitchhiking through the hills of Scotland

A college kid was hitchhiking through the hills of Scotland, when, as is the custom in such areas, an unexpected rainstorm came up. Seeking shelter, he found an old stone pub with a light on, and stumbled in through the front door. The pub was painfully small, with just a handful of stools, a bark...

Is it possible to have the word ‘and’ five times in a row in an English sentence, while still being grammatically correct?

A man had just bought a pub, The Fox and Hound, and wanted a big new sign for it outside, so that potential customers would know that it was under new management and come a try it out.

So, he contracted a sign-maker to make the sign for him. A week later, the sign-maker came back to him with ...

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