UPJOKE
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I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She replied, "Yeah..."

"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"

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The makers of Viagra have announced that they have developed a pill to increase the wetness in women.

They're calling it Niagra.

I think I'm a great match-maker

I paired my Bluetooth earbuds with my phone, and they connected instantly

When I was a kid, I goofed around with my dad’s coffee maker before he got done cleaning it.

I managed to get myself grounded.

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Onomastics is the study of last names, and the connection to their thing. Like how Smith's used to be makers, or Gardners used to care for plants and vegetables, or Yorks come from the town of Yorke....

I don't think I want to know what the backstory is for the Dickensons...

What did the cabinet maker do when he got cold?

He cupboard himself

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My uncle used to work in a butcher shop. He got fired for putting his dick in the sausage maker...

...to be fair, she got fired too. But then they got married and had a couple kids, so it all worked out.

An unconscious pizza maker was admitted to the hospital

They called him John Dough

My wife told me that before I come to bed, she'd like me to start the dishwasher, set the coffee maker, and bring her some water.

I said, "Ok, but I'm bound to forget one of those two things."

King Arthur asked a wood maker apprentice to make a table.

He was so impressed with the Table Round result, that he knighted him on the spot: Sir Cumference.

One time at the pub I told a violent trouble maker to step outside so I could give him a good hiding

He still hasn't found me

What does the Jewish potion maker do at work?

Hebrew

Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning

I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

My meemaw always used to say, "As one door closes another one opens."

Lovely woman.

Terrible cabinet maker.

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Busy night

A young married couple was having money problems, and since the rent was due in just two days and they were short, they had to think of something fast…

She might not have been the brightest bulb, but his wife had a great ass, so when he suggested she turn that great ass into a money-maker an...

A bus full of ugly people crashes

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the w...

Why did the maze maker get divorced?

He often got lost in his work.

What did the nurse say to the medicine maker when he got sick?

Lemme give you a taste of your own medicine

A Subway sandwich maker has a very eccentric regular customer.

The eccentric customer always orders a tuna sandwich, but heavily modified, made with an extra cup of mayo, smothered in chili peppers, red peppers, onions, and pickles, then toasted until it's burnt. It looks and smells disgusting and the worker dreads it when he sees that customer come in.
...

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How does a potion-maker bring his wife to orgasm?

Elixir.

Don't ever challenge a German sausage maker to a competition.

It brings out the *wurst* in him.

What's the difference between an ISIS K bomb maker and an Afghani aid worker?

How should I know I just fly the drone

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What do you call a sex toy that also serves as a hole-maker?

A drilldo

Dixon Hormuz and Rosie Highman watch the sunset every day at the lakeside pier by their nursing home….

Everyday for 10 years running they sit on a bench while Rosie reaches down into Dixon’s pants and loving holds his retired baby maker in her hands while they watch the beautiful sunset glistening off the still lake.

One day, Dixon doesn’t come to pick her up at dusk. She fears the worst and ...

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Dirty Johnny: Greatest Joke of all time by Norm MacDonald

In school there was a fella named Dirty Johnny. He was always a trouble maker the teachers never liked him. One day in class the teacher is doing a thing we’re the kids raise their hands to tell a story and then say what the moral is of that story. So a girl raises her hand

The teacher says ...

A man dies and his three best friends, Matthew, Mark and James are looking at his body in the coffin.

Matthew says "He was such a good friend. I don't want him to go to his maker empty handed" and he throws $200 in cash into the coffin. Mark says he agrees and also throws in $200 in cash.

James says "You cheap-skates! I'm ashamed of you and I'm going to give him $1,000." He then writes out a ...

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There was this famous cheese maker

He made this cheese that would expanded grow when melted.
He was driving while drinking scotch and got into a accident with a school bus. The court case going as expected he was sentenced to death by electrocution. As a last meal request he asked for a quarter of a wheel of his world famous chee...

I recently came up with a pirate-themed tabletop RPG, but then the makers of Dungeons and Dragons found out.

They sent me a seas-and-d6 letter.

What does an experimental bomb maker who is a redditor say after his bomb works?

I didn't expect this to blow up!

The Trophy Maker (OC - long)

Old Rick Giuseppe was a fifth-generation trophy maker – like his father, grandfather, great grandfather and great great great grandfather before him. Alas, Old Rick Giuseppe’s wife had died a few years ago, and the man lived in solitude, apart from a cat named Jeffery, who was his late wife’s belove...

Guitar maker Fender has announced a new line of woodwind instruments

Coming soon, the Saxofender.

Did you hear about the pasta maker that was locked out of his house?

It was because he had Gnocchi.

A journalist was tasked to interview the best costume maker in the world...

So the journalist asked for an appointment with the costume maker, and luckily, he accepted.

Now this costume maker might be famous, but no one but himself and a few people know his real name. His identity was shrouded in mystery. The name he goes by is Mr. D.D., which are his initials. The j...

I’m designing a coffee maker that tells you a joke as it’s percolating.

I call it the Brew-HaHa.

I met an anarchist ice cream maker

Some men just want to watch the world churn.

Did you hear the pasta makers in Italy revolted?

It was a ravioli-tion

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A wine maker went to their therapist the other day.

The wine maker had won dozens and dozens of awards for how amazing their wine was, but they never expressed any happiness about it.

The therapist asked the win maker, if not showing emotion ever bothered them.

They replied, “I guess I’m just used to bottling things up.”

There was a mohel who had the odd habit of keeping the foreskins in a box in a closet.

One day he noticed that they'd naturally tanned into very supple leather, so he took the boxful to a bag maker, to see if anything could be done with them. The craftsman told him to return in a month.

When he did, he was presented with a shaving kit.

"All of that leather, and this was ...

In China, film makers have to appease the Chinese censors, but people forget in America we have the same thing...

We also have to appease the Chinese censors.

What do film makers use and IT people fear?

A blue screen

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A college student was driving through rural Scotland on holiday

When he came across an old stone pub that must have been several hundred years old. He thought to himself that this could be an opportunity to sample some of the local ale, so he parked and headed inside.

When he opened the door, however, the bar was empty except for one old bartender polish...

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Two economists are walking in the woods

Two economists are walking in the woods.

Suddenly, one notices a pile of bear shit next to the path. He says to the second one, "hey I'll give you a 100€ if you eat that pile of shit".

The second economist, being a rational decision maker eats it and gets a 100€. But he had a weird fe...

A clock maker had new students come to his workshop today. As he was in the middle of one of his projects he told them to always remember one thing to do when he was at work.

To watch and learn

She was only a whiskey-maker's daughter

but he loved her still.

Wife: "Why is this giant bra on the coffee maker?"

Husband: "You said you needed k cups."

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Lee Smart was always a trouble maker throughout his life.

In school, Lee Smart was always getting in trouble. His friend, Isaac, always stuck by his side, though. They were always best friends.

Though Isaac was getting sick of Lee’s crap. Lee kept drinking and driving, he kept smoking Marijuana and snorting Cocaine. Isaac was so close to just leavi...

What do you call a cheese maker that works very hard?

An overacheeser

A priest, a thief, and an engineer were all waiting in line to be executed by guillotine during the French revolution.

The priest was to be the first to meet his fate. As he stepped onto the platform the executioner asked him "Father, would you like to meet your maker face up or face down?"

After thinking about it for a moment, the priest answered "My son, if today is to be my last day, then I wish to go face...

My girlfriend is a just a simple whiskey maker.

But I love her still.

Have you heard about the quick clothes maker?

Some have said she is a Tailor, Swift

Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo "Head and Shoulders"...

…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."

Archimedes wasn't just known for inventing his many inventions. He's also considered to have invented the first insult when talking to his brother who was a cheese maker after discovering a early form of lindburger cheese....

He simply stated, You reeka!

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In business news, the makers of "Utterly Butterly" have been knocked off their top spot as the UK's leading brand of dairy spread.

I can't believe they're not bitter.

Why did the perfume maker end up in the mental hospital?

Because he stopped making scents

Coffin maker's new slogan

If you're coughin' you need a coffin

Did you know that shoe makers are very talkative?

They love to converse

So, I heard Bounty, the maker of paper towels, has decided to get into the Male Enhancement business...

..their new slogan? The Quicker Pecker Upper.

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what do you get when you put your dick in a sandwich maker?

a paninis

What did the Redditor say to the yogurt maker?

Ah, I see you're a man of culture.

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A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service.

A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day in...

Why was the window maker not happy with his job?

His work was never clear.

My office has had three label makers stolen in the past week.

We suspect it's connected to organized crime.

Isaac and the Catholic School

Abraham, an Orthodox Jew, has a 13 year old son named Isaac.

Isaac keeps getting sent home from school again for bad behavior. Abraham is at his wits end and doesn’t know what to do. He talks it over with his Catholic neighbor, Frank.

“I don’t know what to do with him,” sighs Abraham...

They arrested the overweight soap maker

Apparently he was a big fat lyer.

The cabinet maker

A woman in Tel-Aviv finally saves enough money to buy a new hand-made cabinet, and has it installed in her home, which faces the street whereby bus number 5 passes.

As she is admiring her new purchase, she notices that bus number 5 passes her house, and as it does, the cabinet doors open up...

My sister is an expert pastry-maker.

She has to be to stay employed, her job has a high turnover rate.

What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?

One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.

Why are pizza makers always poor?

Because they knead dough to make a living.

What do you call a fastidious Italian pasta maker?

Rigour Tony

I bought a bread-maker but the sales assistant tried to talk me out of it

He said there was no knead

A new hired cheese maker wasn't sure if he was adding enough cream. So he asked his boss.

His boss replied, "That's gouda nuff"

A guy once killed someone with a mist maker.

It was fogged up.

Why doesn't a coffee maker need that third prong on its electrical plug?

The beans are ground.

What do you call a French leather coat maker...?

Jim Lapel.

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do candy makers get?

Tic tac toe

I got fired from my job as a stencil maker.

I guess it just wasn't cut out for me.

What language speaks a typical Belgian beer maker?

Hebrew

What do you call a fast clothes maker?

Taylor Swift!

Made up by my nine year old :)

What do you say to an overworked clothing maker?

You seamstressed.

What do you call a new dress-maker who is uncomfortable with the idea of customers testing her merchandise?

A seamstress who seems stressed when you stress the seams.

How do you make a coffee maker cry?

With a very dark roast.

A man walks up to a German clock maker

The man tells him, "My clock just goes tik, tik, tik, it never goes tok!"

The German clock maker holds a flashlight up to the clock and yells "VE HAVE VAYS OF MAKING YOU TOK!"

What do you call a family friendly gun maker?

A HECK ler

I once asked a cheese maker if there was any way he could make me a block of cheddar using soy milk.

Hey said, "I'm sorry, but there's no whey."

Where do poor Italian noodle makers live?

In the Spaghetto.

looking for a joke

I remember seeing a joke on here a while back about a "woosh maker" or "whomp maker"? something like that. I have searched google and the sub and i cannot seem to find it. Does anyone happen to have this, or know where I can find it?

Why shouldn't you let a shoe maker use your bathroom?

They'll clog your toilet.

A nun and a priest were crossing the desert on a camel..

They were almost half way across when the camel began wheezing, and hacking, and coughing up blood. Before long the camel collapsed dead underneath them. The two stood for a while in the blazing sun, and the priest finally broke the silence by saying, "You do realize sister, that it's only a matter ...

The makers of summers eve

The makers of summers eve has release a new product line for men. A spray for men called umpire, for foul balls.

What is a Vietnamese sandwich maker’s favorite pick up line?

Banh mi.

Q: Why do movie makers not make a cross-over movie between "A Quiet Place" and "IT"?

A: They already know that it is going to be "ShhhhIT"

A pen maker's joke

I asked the ink drop why it looked so sad.

He said his mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long her sentence would be.

A couple goes to court to get a divorce

The judge is a big pro-family man and thinks it is a good idea for the couple to stay together for their 3 kids. Maybe they can see past their differences and reconcile. The judge says, "I can let you divorce, and split all your assets. But how can I split up the children? If I give 2 to one parent ...

A Buddhist priest walks into a pizzeria...

The pizza maker asks the priest “what can I get for you?”

The Buddhist, in a quiet voice, replies, “can you make me one with everything?”

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Do they call me Craig the fence maker?

Bill was an American tourist in Scotland when he wandered off the trail and got lost. He wandered around for hours and was starting to worry when the sun went down. In the darkness, he saw a tiny light on top of a hill. He knew it meant civilization so he started walking towards it.

After an...

Watch makers are the best people to date.

They make time for you.

What do you call it when perfume makers try to take over the world?

Cologneialism

Instead of working out, I'm just going to get a label maker.

I'll label my scale "1-10", then every time I step on it I'll be reminded that on a scale of 1-10, I'm a 220.

Did the depressed rope maker succeed?

Sadly, he did knot.

What was built after the Indian sandwich maker's shop burned down?

A New Delhi

A coffin maker was on his way to deliver a coffin

...when his car broke down. Trying not to be late he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.

A policeman saw him, told him to stop and asked, "Hey what are you carrying and where are you going?"

The man replied,

"I do not like where I was buried so I ...

An amateur group of Islamic film makers have posted a video on YouTube which mocks Christianity and Jesus Christ.

It is believed to be so offensive that St Mary's church in Dublin have postponed their tea and cake morning until next Wednesday, and Dorothy O'Neill from Dinlge has written a strongly worded letter.

When will the madness end?

A husband and wife go to church every Sunday. However, the husband would always fall asleep while church was in session.

One day the wife went to the priest and said “My husband always falls asleep, and I can’t see when he does, so whenever he does can you make a hand gesture so I will know to wake him up?” The priest agrees and the preaching starts.

As priest is saying “Who is thy ruler and maker, who will alw...

Breaking News

Authorities uncover fraudulent claims from the makers of dandruff shampoo stating "This just scratches the surface!"

Did you hear about the kilt maker that went to prison?

He had quite the chequered past.

Why did the boat maker from France have so many allies?

He was great at building French ships.

What do sushi makers have in common with Spanish pirates?

They both seek fortuna.

Did you hear about the dress maker who went to the ATM?

She was electrocuted when she put in her pin.

Two Brothers and the Priest

Two brothers in a small town were well-known as trouble makers. If there was a problem in town, these boys were guaranteed to be there. Their parents finally decided to do something about it.


They called on the priest. He was known to have success in dealing with problematic behavior. ...

Why did the woman marry the shoe maker?

Because she was his sole mate.

[Long] A Russian Jew...

...is migrating to Israel after much paperwork and waiting.

At Moscow airport, customs found a statue of Lenin in his baggage and asked him, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked: who is he? This is the most respected Comrade Leni...

A time keeper at a factory is in charge of blowing the whistle for the lunch break at noon.

When it's almost noon he looks at his watch and right when it strikes 12pm he blows the whistle.

One day he bumps his watch against something and he fears that it is a little off.

Wanting to make sure that he can do his job correctly he decides to go get his watch set by a professional...

Why are mirror makers proud of what they do?

Their work is a reflection of themselves.

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