Chewing Jokes

So I had to ground him.
He's doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly ...

After a while, an elderly lady leans forward from opposite and says: "Sir, it's very kind of you to tell me so much, but unfortunately I'm deaf!"

But I'm struggling to get it off the ground.

Cancer

One says, "I liked the book better"

so I had to ground them. They put up some resistance at first, but firmly grasped the problem, and are conducting themselves properly now.

He had diphtheria.

I said, "Dad, what the hell are you doing?"

He replied, "Im making us rich son"

"How?" I asked

"Simple", he said, "I'm making bit coins"

Pepperminsk

Of course he denied the charge first, but later I found him coiled up in his room.

He's conducting himself better now, so I think that worked out.

Well that's the current situation anyways, but there's definitely potential for greater resistance.

Some days I just feel like I ... read more

When you pull it out in class, everyone wants to be friends

Teacher:"Guess what this is, which animal has a Beak and Feathers?"

Random Student:"A Duck!"

Teacher:"Thats right, but it could also be a Goose.
Next question, which animal has Claws and Fur?"

Random Student:"A Dog!"

Teacher:"Thats right, but it could also be a Cat."... read more

Ice breakers, Hi my name (insert your name here)

He approached the man, and asked, "How much do these apples cost?". The vendor replied, "An apple costs $1 and an apple seed costs $2.". Confused, the man asked, "Why are you selling the seeds? and why are they so expensive?". The vendor said, "Apple seeds are actually known to make you so much time... read more

They see a grizzled old-timer having breakfast.

One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate onto the floor.

Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his... read more

But getting chewed out and getting eaten out are very different.

Ho Chi MINT

...my family is always horrified when I masticate in public.

The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat :

The American asks :'Do you eat the bread entirely?'

The Indian answers,'Of course!'

American : 'We do not .We only eat the inner part. The crust is put in a container and processed and transformed into flour and sold to Indian... read more

I found that rather hard to swallow.

CHiPs and dip.

So I says to him "Will you stop doing that, Mr. Beaver?"



Him "Gnaw."

Chewing gum.

'Cause I stepped on it.

Now that’s the only way I can eat them :/

You use two fingers if it’s yours and three if it’s your buddy’s.

He spat some dope limes

After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"

The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."

So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.

About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He l... read more

3 years passed. One of the snail friends said ”he still hasn’t returned, we might as well drink his beer”. Suddenly a voice from the door yelled, ”if you touch my beer, I won’t be buying you guys any chewing gum!”.

Talk about ‘puff puff pass’, amirite?

His grandma replies, "Watch, I'll show you." She points at a man in a wheelchair, and says, "See that man over there? Go and ask him to stand up."

Charlie gasps. "But grandma...!"

His grandma then points at a man with no arms. "And see him? Tell him to clap his hands! Hah!"

Char... read more