I ordered a 60 inch tv last week for 75 quid

The sound doesn't work but at that price you can't turn it down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A prostitute says to a Yorkshireman, "Would you like to sleep with me for 100 quid?"

The Yorkshireman says, "I'm not tired, but I could do with the money"

A man walks into a bar.....

he goes to the barman and asks "if I show you something amazing would you give me a free drink"?
The barman obliges. The man pulls out of his pocket a little piano along with a little woman. Then all of a sudden the little womman plays Beethoven 3rd symphony perfectly.

The barman astonishe...

My Grandad is always complaining about how much things cost. "Two quid for a cup of tea?!"...

I said, "Well you just popped round, I didn't invite you!"

How much is a bottled water?

*Le* quid

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sees a sign outside a house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'....

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog tal...

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and gets talking to the bartender. The bar tender tells him that a genie had stopped in town and was in the other room granting wishes to those who asked him, but to be careful what he wished for.
The man rushed into the other room where there was a man playing the piano w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tall man walks into a bar, with a tiny man standing on his shoulder.

... and orders a beer. As soon as he sits down at the counter the tiny man hops off his shoulder and starts walking around. It is just a bit taller than a pint of beer, and dressed in a sports jersey. It walks over to the guy right to him, chugs his beer in one go, bumps his fist into the guys shoul...

A favor for a neighbor is a good deed.

A favor for a favor is quid pro quo.

A favor for SpongeBob's neighbor is squid pro quo.

The Swede, The Irishman & The Scotsman

The Swede's wife stepped up to the tee and, as she bent over to place her ball, a gust of wind blew her skirt up and revealed her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any...

How much does it cost to see Harry Potter fly a broomstick?

About a Quid each.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My nan's cat died last week, and I wanted to do something a bit special for her to remember him by.

So I called up a local taxidermist.
"How much to have my nan's cat stuffed and on a wooden plinth, pouncing on a terrified mouse?" I asked.
"About £1,500," came the reply.
"FFFFifteen **hundred** quid?! That's a bit steep, how about curled up like he's sleeping peacefully?"
"Abou...

Arthur getting his weekly shopping

Arthur was an elderly man, he lived in a small coastal town in Scotland called Montrose. Generally he was a quiet and well respected member of the community. That was before the incident.

It happened back in the late 90s. Arthur had been at Tesco, the local supermarket, and had just finished...

My favourite joke

So a guy goes into a pub, walks up to the bar and asks for a pint.

The barman replies: one pound please. The guy says back: only one pound?!
The barman replies: aye only a pound.

The guy takes his pint and enjoys it and after a few more pints at a pound each the guy feels cheeky....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has a £50 note tattooed on his willy

His wife says to him "Why have you done that!?" He replies "For one, I like to see my money grow; two, I like to play with my money; thrid, I like to have money in my hand and finally the next time you want to blow fifty quid you can stay at home and do it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lady: Do you smoke?

Man: Yes.

Lady: How many packs a day?

Man: 3 packs.

Lady: How much per pack?

Man: Ten quid.

Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

Man: 15 years.

Lady: So 1 pack costs £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dry cleaning (long)

So this guy meets a mate after work for a "couple" of beers, on a pomise to his wife that he wont get too drunk. That plan obviously goes out the window and after a few too many he ends up throwIng up all down his shirt.

"Shit!" He says's, "I promised the wife I wouldn't get hammered tonight....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Eric is in Hospital

Who the hell is Eric ?

Well,Eric is the geezer who got home late one night:
Marilyn his wife was waiting for him with ....
"Where the hell have you been?"
Eric replies "I was getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred quid note tatt...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a mental hospital

A bloke is visiting his mother in a mental hopsital when in the same room he comes across a guy moving his arms around and making beeping noises.
"Excuse me", he asks him. "What on earth are you doing?"
"I'm driving my car!, says the guy excitedly. "Beep beep!"
"You fucking nutbar, you're n...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer had a duck

A farmer had a prize winning duck at his farm but the crop this year had gone bad so he told his 20 year old son to go sell the duck for money in town. When he goes into town a prostitute says "for £50 You can do whatever you want to me for
An hour" the farmers son says "all i have is a prize win...

A small boy has homework..

A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father: "Hey Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?" His Dad thinks for a while and then says "Right-o son......go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

...

As a mark of respect to Prince...

The local pub is putting on a wake tomorrow night. All you can eat and drink for under 20 quid.

I for one intend to party like it's £19.99.

What do you call a sweaty British Millionaire?

All-quid.

Costume Party

A man and his wife have been invited to a costume party for Halloween, however on the night of the event the wife says to her husband that she can't go because she feels ill and needs to lie down. The husband asks if she wants him to stay at home, but not wanting to ruin her husbands evening says sh...

A man walks into a bar with a mouse on his shoulder.

"What are you doing with that yoke in here?" asks the barman.

The man replies "Well I have a proposition for you. The mouse gets to stay and I get a full bottle of good whiskey if I can show you this mouse playing the piano!".

"Deal" says the barman, not believing this obvious drunk....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny walks in to brothel dragging a dead frog behind him.

Little Johnny walks in to brothel dragging a dead frog behind him., he goes up to the madam sat behind the front desk and says "I need a whore"
"Im sorry" replies the madam "but you're too young."
Jonny slaps down 200 quid on the table.
"Hang on" the madam quickly says "I mite have someone...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks in a bar

and see's an elephant sat in the corner. He walks up to the barman and asks" whats the deal with the elephant". The barman replies " if you can make him laugh i'll give you £500". the man walks over to the elephant and whispers somthing in his ear. The elephant imediatly bursts into laughter. Th...

Cephalopod humour

How much does it cost to treat an ill octopus?

Six Quid....

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.