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Carey Jokes

Mariah Carey

That awesome performance.



Update: thanks for helping me get to the front page of r/jokes

What's the difference between Mariah Carey and Marie Curie?

One glitters, the other glows

What do me and Mariah Carey have in common?

Neither of us know the words to any of her songs

What did Jim Carey say when his typewriter broke?

I'll writey then!



My girlfriend just came up with that on a juice run to the kitchen :\]

Nick Cannon one tried gifting Mariah Carey a parcel of land for the holidays but she wasn’t happy.

She told me, “ I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

I didn't know Mariah Carey liked trees so much.

But apparently all she wants for Christmas is yew.

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise

He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

2016 ends with Mariah Carey dying

On the stage.

I call my kettle Jim Carey,

because it brews-all-my-tea.

For Christmas, I asked Mariah Carey if I could get her a big open space to park her cars, but she declined

She said “I don’t want a lot for Christmas”

Fans around the globe are rockin' out to Mariah Carey's latest hit single ...

"*The Monitors Are Down ...*", performed live for the first time today in downtown New York City, has been praised for a unique nihilistic style and pertinent statements regarding the internet-induced apathy of today's youth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Biggest Joke of 2016

Mariah Carey's Performance at Dick Clarks Rockin New Years Eve

A teacher asks her students,"Can anybody spell before?"

Carey stands up and says, "Before. B -e- f -o- r.Before."

"No that is wrong.Sit down."say⁴s the teacher."

"Frankie, can you spell before?"

Frankie stands up and says, "Before.B - e- e- f -o-r.Before!"

"No, that's not right either.Tyrone, can you spell before?"

Tyro...

When John Kerry was running for Vice President he told Drew and Jim to load his baggage onto his plane until he got back. Then he forgot about them.

The Carey's carry on carrying on Kerry's carry-ons.

this one comes from the end of a drew carey special back in the 90's: there's an old man & an old woman in a nursing home...

old man says, 'bet you can't guess how old i am!'

she says, 'yeah? unzip your fly!' he does; she reaches in a feels around for a bit, then says: 'you're 83!'

he says, 'that's amazing! how'd you know that?'

she says, 'you told me yesterday.'

Help! What to do with a piece of empty Real Estate?

It was my Christmas gift for Mariah Carey, but when I gave it to her she told me,
"I don't want a lot for Christmas"

Congrats to Ohio State, you didn't have the worst performance of the evening...

...Mariah Carey's got your back.

Rain drop, drop top....

Mariah Carey's career ended before the ball dropped.

How does Times Square start the new year?

By having Mariah Carey drop the ball! "The audience can sing this one."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting on the couch watching TV...

When he hears a little knock on the door. He gets up, goes to the door, opens it, but there isn't anyone there. A little iritated, he closes the door and sits back down on the couch.

A few seconds later, theres another little knock at the door. The man jumps up and rushes to the door, fling...

Helen Keller was blind and deaf.

She would still lip sync better than Mariah Carey.

A man wins a chance to appear on a game show

A man won a chance to appear on a mystery game show. The chances were jeopardy, family feud, lingo, and the price is right. His wife a beautiful Spanish lady, the love of his life, told him that if he lost the game show she would divorce him because she couldn't handle the shame. So, he auditioned f...

New Year's Eve Party

*Two guys watching Mariah Carey's Times Square performance*

Guy 1: "Man, 2016 has been such a mess."

Guy 2: "I know right. This year ended on such a low note I can't even hear it."

My go-to accounting joke

(Acknowledgement: This joke came from the Drew Carey show. I don't remember specifically which episode. I don't even know why I was watching it.)

The owners of a micro-brewery are sitting around a table having their monthly board meeting.

The accountant stands up and says "So, let's ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid walking along the road finds a welding mask...

He's walking along playing with the mask when a stranger stops and asks if he needs a ride. The kid is a ways from the part of town he's headed to so he accepts. After a bit the guy says "Hey kid, do you know what frottage is?" The kid says "Nope." The guy continues "How about voyeurism?" The k...

The old dog, the leopard and the monkey

An old dog got lost in the savanna... Noticing easy prey, a leopard prepared for an ambush behind a tree. However, the dog could also smell the leopard and being quite crafty he took a quick survey of the area and found a bone. With the bone in his mouth he soliloquized "Oh my goodness, this is so t...

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