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Mutter Jokes

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Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome

He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

“Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“United!” exclaimed the b...

My wife woke up just now. She is dreaming and muttering about how she wrote the Lord of The Rings trilogy.

She’s Tolkien in her sleep.

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The best chicken joke ever!

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is
smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.


The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.


The egg mutters to no one in particular,
"Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that ...

Adam

One day, God summoned Adam for an important task he must complete...

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly Lord, what do you want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explaine...

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Best weight loss In town!

A new fitness center was advertising around the city with their fool-proof method of losing a substantial amount of weight in under an hour!

Tom was an out of shape guy that wanted to lose weight badly, but was skeptical about this new spot.

After hearing many of his friends and colle...

My wife called me from her work today and said, "Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They're absolutely gorgeous!" I muttered...

"That's probably why they got flowers then..."

Jehovah is showing Ra around Heaven one day...

... when a man runs up to them, crosses himself, then spreads his arms and closes his eyes.

"Excuse me," Jehovah says to Ra, "this will only take a second." He waves his hands, there's a flash of light, and a purring kitten goes scampering away from where the man had been.

"Other than ...

Benny the Viking

Benny was your typical Viking. Strong, tall and courageous, he was the ideal viking in every way, except for one.

See, Benny couldn’t grow a beard. For all his 30 winters on Earth, he still had just as smooth a face as the day he was born.

This bothered Benny, because when he was out p...

A woman went to a rescue to adopt a dog...

Her husband had a late night at work and told her she could go pick one. The lady was undecided until she saw a beautiful boxer. A rescue worker noticed the lady's fascination with the dog and went over to her. "Do you know that this dog can fly?" asked the rescue worker, and proceeded to take the ...

A priest is walking through Kings Cross (a rough area of town), when a woman approached him and says

"Do you want a naughty? 200 bucks."

"Certainly not," he mutters and hurries on. Soon he passed near another woman who says "$200 for a naughty. Interested?"

"No thank you," he replies flusteredly.

As he comes near a third woman she again offers him a naughty for $200, which he ...

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There was this woman sitting on a park bench muttering to herself and spitting. She would mutter then spit, mutter then spit. As a man got closer he heard her say "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive" then spit "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive" then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive" then spit.

He sits down next to her and asks "What's going on here? You keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit".

“Well" says the gal "my boyfriend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say 'sure, why not?' He picks me up and w...

A drunk man staggers into an empty church. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the big crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he's right underneath it, he waves his bottle around and starts screaming at it.

"YOU! S'all YOUR fuggin' fault!" he screams. "I los' ma job, ma wife lef' me, ma kids ran 'way, and today ma dog died! Jus' you wait! I'ma come back with ma shotgun and give ya what for!"

And then he leaves, cursing and shouting all the way.

Meanwhile, the priest has been hiding in the...

A drunk man who smelled like beer

sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Sa...

This guy walks into a bar...

...bellies up to the bar and orders a beer. The place is mostly empty, just him at the bar, and he's been there a short while when in walks a gorgeous brunette. She looks around, not seeing him and then marches straight to the back of the joint and sits down at a corner table in the back with a cru...

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"I went to the annual Dickens Fair, and now my wife wants a divorce."

A man trudges into a bar and slumps down on a stool.

"Hey, buddy," the bartender says, "you look pretty down. What's eating you?"

The man sighs and shrugs. "I went to the annual Dickens Fair, and now my wife wants a divorce."

"Isn't that just a bunch of Victorian costumes, usele...

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Trucker goes into a truck stop...

And takes a seat next to a colleague. They chat about their routes and generally shoot the breeze for a while, until a woman passes by them and goes into the bathroom.

As she comes out, the second trucker mutters "tickle your ass with a feather?"

The woman, in shock, whirls around an...

A secretary at the Kremlin is having a cigarette break besides the main entrance.

All of a sudden, the doors fly open and bursting out of the building comes a Russian Army general, muttering to himself:

"That idiotic, delusional, ridiculous old clown of a president! Why doesn't he just do us all a favour and throw himself out of a window?!"

The secretary thought to ...

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A joke written by the AI, ChatGPT

The sky above the port was the color of a moldy jellyfish, a sickly green that made everyone below feel nauseous. But a group of rebellious clowns, led by the hapless hero Isaac Newton, had a plan to bring some joy to the dreary sky. Using a circus tent and a lot of helium, they intended to lift the...

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

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I'm a bus driver. If I'm having a bad day

at work, I'll look in the mirror while driving, and mutter to myself " you're all cunts aren't you ? " and then tap the brakes twice so they all nod.

A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”

The man on his left says, ...

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A city slicker retires to the country...

Following a successful career on Wall St, Jim buys some land out in Nebraska to live a simpler life.

He has some of the land cleared and a huge, brand new ranch built.

Construction crews finish up, landscapers complete the final touches, and he moves the family in.

The next morn...

In a certain politician's dreams, Franklin Delano Roosevelt appears. The politician asks him "What can I do to make America great again?". FDR responds "Do everything for the people". The politician wakes up startled, and mutters "Lies!" under his breath. The next night,

George Washingon appears in the dreams of the politician.

He asks "What can I do to make America great again?", to which GW responds "Never tell a lie".

The politician wakes up startled, and curses under his breath.

The next night, Abraham Lincoln appears in the politician's...

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A maid worked at the house of a very rich couple

One day, she was peacefully sweeping the floor when the phone rang. She answered it:

"Hello, who am I talking to?"

"It's me, the boss. Is my wife already home?"

"What...? I mean, yes, she's here, sir, but why are you calling? Aren't you here too?"

"What do you mean? I'm a...

I was nearly at the freeway entrance...

... when I suddenly remembered that since I had the SUV today, I was stuck with dropping our Great Dane off at the vets that morning. A screeching u-turn, more than a few rolling stops and made it back in record time. Bursting into the house, I tore from room to room, calling for the dog. Throwing ...

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A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

'N...

God boomed, "Adam, this is Eve!! You are to love her forever!" Adam replied, "Okay, but who is he?" God shrugged and muttered...

"Oh, that's Keith Richards. He was here when I got here."

As the teacher marked my quiz answers, she suddenly stopped, looked up at me and shook her head in utter disappointment. With cold, dead eyes, she muttered, "This is wrong." Mouth dry, I whispered, "Question 2?"

She snarled, "No, the way your hand is resting between my thighs."

Stalin is planning a visit to a Soviet preschool

In preparing, all of the children are taught to say that all of the best things in the world are available in the Soviet Union.

So, Stalin with his officials and his bodyguards arrives at the school, and he starts talking to the kids and asking them questions:

Firstly, he asks young Al...

Hot Shot CEO

A new company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid he company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business! Th...

Three nuns die in a car crash

They ascend to heaven and are met at the pearly gates by Saint Peter. “Before you can enter Heaven you must each answer a question to prove your piety.”
He turns to the first nun and asks “How many commandments did God give to Moses?” The nun says “Oh, that’s easy, 10!” Ba Bada Bah! The trumpet...

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A man get pulled over with his young son in the back seat.

The cop comes to the window.

"Sorry officer, I was rushing tog et home. My wife is throwing a dinner party for very important guests."

The cop writes him a ticket anyway, wishes him a good day and walks back to his patrol car. As he walks away, the dad mutters "Bastard."

The lit...

All of a sudden, the Marvel, DC, and Image Comics universes merged into one.

In no time at all, the superheroes joined forces and managed to capture all of the villains and throw them in prison with those special de-powering collars they used in Deadpool 2.

Imagine Magneto's frustration as he was led into a cell and locked up behind metal bars, which normally would be...

I once met a crazed man muttering incoherently about Ancient Mesopotamia

But I had to stop him, because I didn’t want him to Babylon

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A guy is driving through Nevada and sees a sign along the road with a large cross and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles ahead."

He shakes his head and thinks "I must have read that wrong."

He continues on and a few minutes later see another sign, this one with a praying nun on it and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Exit. So Good It's Miraculous!"

He decides he has to see this so he pull...

Two guys were having car trouble.

Their car eventually broke down in the country near a farm. It was late and cold so they decided they would ask the farmer if he would put them up for the night.


They approached the farmhouse and knocked on the door. The farmer, a massive bearded hulk of a man, brandishing a double-barrel...

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A Scottish man walks into a bar, looking depressed.

He sits down at the bar and orders a shot. The bartender hands it to him, and he downs it in one go, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and scowling. The bartender, knowing from years of experience that this man must obviously have something he needs to get off his chest, begins buffing a gl...

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A young man decided it was time to come out to his family.

He was worried most about his grandmother, so he approached her in the kitchen.

"Grandma, I, uh, have to tell you something."

"Yes, sweety?"

"I, uh, I'm gay."

"Gay?" His heart stopped. "Does that mean you put men's things in your mouth?"

"Grandma!!!!"

"Wel...

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Toilet humor I know you haven't heard before.

So, I can guarantee this isn't a repost because it just happened to me. But I guess to put it in joke form I'll just tell it like this:

So this man decides to buy a bidet for his toilet. He gets it installed, and over time (with a couple surprises) he gets pretty comfortable using the control...

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

An amateur birdwatcher and a professional ornithologist are observing the same patch of the forest floor.

There’s a break in the canopy above them, so there are dozens of birds congregated to soak up the sunlight. The scientist is eagerly taking notes and muttering to himself, “28…29…30… there’s 31 distinct species all in this one clearing! It’s amazing!”

The birdwatcher tells him, “No, they’re a...

I saw this guy today muttering "1,3,5,7,9..." under his breath.

I thought he was odd.

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An old French lady had a small shop in her village for years …

…until one day a huge corporate supermarket set up across the road from her little shop:
They put up signs advertising their prices, including one that said: Butter – 10 euros
In response, the old lady added a sign to her own window: Butter – 9 euros
The next day, the big supermarket had a ...

Murphy's Pub

**Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy's Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”**

**The other bloke responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”**

**The first one says, “So am I!...

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My favourite nun joke

The nuns from the Convent of the Immaculate Conception were on a day trip when their bus went off the road, plunged over a cliff and they were all killed.

It had been a long day at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter had been counting down the minutes to knocking off time and some well-earned...

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!

So he turns on his lights
and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five
old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the
back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him,
"Officer, I don't understand, I was ...

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A distressed but attractive woman stands at the end of a cliff, trying to get up the nerve to jump.

A passing hobo stops and say, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway , would you mind if we have sex first?"

The woman replies, "get away from me, you sicko!"

The bum turns to leave and mutters "fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

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A group of 3 friends go out to a club one night

and have the best time of their life.
They get pretty drunk, and by the end of the night they get in the car and leave.
Drunkenly, they hit a tree on the way home and all three of them are dead on impact.
When they arrive in Heaven, they're welcomed by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. ...

Trying to fly a kite.

A husband in his backyard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to he...

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Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

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The Indian salesman

A young guy from India moves to the US and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was an insurance salesman back in India ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked...

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hope...

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A man walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

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A company that sells nails decides to start advertising their product...

A company that sells nails decides to start advertising their product.

Their CEO goes to an ad agency to inquire about creating a large billboard downtown. He meets with an account executive and explains his need: "We have a good business, but I just feel like most people have never heard of ...

The flight wasn't carrying enough meals for all passengers.

Airborne less than 30 minutes on an outbound evening flight, the "A" stew-lead flight attendant-for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement:

Ladies and gentleman, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible last minute error by our airport catering...

A Rabbi, A pundit and a Priest

A rabbi, a pundit and a priest once decided to put their skills to the test,
so they challenged each other...the challenge was who could convert a bear

They all met a few days later.....the pundit n priest were ok but the rabbi was in a full body cast...

so started the pundit...gues...

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This guy sat next to me in the bar.

"Lonely bastard," he muttered.

"Huh?" I asked.

"You look like one lonely bastard," he added.

After a few minutes silence I said, "Lonely, huh?" I nodded to the other side of the room. "That's my girlfriend's over there."

"She's a looker, ain't she?"

"Sure is, she's...

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After seeing the Kim Kardashian cover of Paper Magazine, Sir Mix-a-lot, reportedly tipped his hat, muttered that his work here was done and rocketed into space to return to his home planet

Uranus...

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German language is easy.

The German language is relatively easy. Those who can speak Latin and are used to declinations, normally learn it very rapidly. At least that is what German teachers say in their first class. They start learning: der, die, das, des, dem, den and the rest just comes naturally. It's amazingly easy! If...

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So a Chinese man walks into a dry cleaner and points to the ‘Help Wanted’ sign in the front window.

The man says, “Me job! Me job!”

The owner mutters to himself, ‘I really don’t want to hire this guy. He can’t even speak English!’

The man says again, “Me job!”

The owner looks straight at the man and says, “I’ll tell you what. If you can use um three words….uh, Pink, Green a...

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Little Johnny's grandma is visiting...

NSFW: Little Johnny's Grandma is visiting the family for the weekend...

After a nice dinner and chatting, everybody goes to bed; Johnny to his room, his parents to theirs, and Grandma to the guest bedroom.

In the middle of the night, Little Johnny bursts into his parents' room exclaimi...

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A professional gambler dies and goes to Heaven.

A gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder.....

A Lutheran moves into a neighborhood of Roman Catholics on the first day of Lent.

That Friday, the man grills out on his patio, filling the neighborhood with the mouthwatering aroma of seared steak. All his neighbors, being practicing Catholics, are obliged to abstain from eating meat on Fridays during Lent. Needless to say, they aren't particularly happy about it. The next Frida...

Dying request

Rudy was lying on his deathbed surrounded by his stunning young wife and their three children, all boys. Two were tall, good-looking, and athletic, but the third and youngest was short, homely, and extremely uncoordinated…
"Darling," the husband whispered to his wife, struggling to get the words ...

"And remember," said the boss, "there's no I in TEAM!"

"Yeah," muttered one of the peons, "and there's not much sign of U in it either."

The Lone Ranger is Captured by Outlaws

The Lone Ranger is captured by outlaws. They are definitely planning on killing him, but have so much respect for the lawman that they decide to grant him 3 final requests. Upon hearing this the Lone Ranger says that he will only tell his requests to his noble steed, Silver. The bad guys agree. The ...

The Christian horse.

A man was driving down the long highway in his car. All of a sudden his car broke down.

The man walked for a while and ended up at a farm. As he was trying to find the owner of the farm, he spotted one horse and wanted to see if he could borrow the horse. He met with the farmer and asked him...

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

Putin is having a meeting in the Kremlin with his generals on the war in Ukraine.

When the meeting concludes, Sergei Shoigu, Minister of Defense is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath, "wily little prick". However, he is heard by Putin's secretary who immediately reports to his boss. Putin orders Shoigu to be brought back.

When he's back i...

A man was dumping toxic waste into a river.

Suddenly, the sky darkened, lightning flashed, and a glowing woman appeared, hovering above the river.

**"For your crimes, I curse you to only speak in words related to water!",** she intoned, and then vanished in another flash of lightning.

The man stood, shocked, before gathering his...

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Talking Dog

A man was driving down the street one day and saw a sign: Talking Dog for Sale - $10.

Though very skeptical, he immediately pulls up to the house and knocks on the door. An old man comes out and says “you hear for the talking dog? Come around back”.

He goes around the house and sees ...

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Two Irishmen met in a pub...

Two Irishmen meet in a pub, and in a slur one says to the other, "I'm thinking I ought to know ye."

The other replied, "You've got a familiar face, where ye be from?"

"I be from County Cork."

"Well I'll be dipped! I be from County Cork too, from Middleton!"

"Middleton?! I...

A husband walks into his wife and her friends sitting on the couch eating snacks

"bunch of fat cows" muttered the husband

"what was that" shouted his wife

"you herd" replied the husband

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First day at a mental asylum.

There was a guy who just got a job at a mental asylum. On his first day, he wanted to familiarise himself with all the patients at the facility. While doing so, he met this dude who looked perfectly normal, muttering some things to a wall. As he came closer, he started to make out what he was saying...

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Little Johnny went to his first rodeo with his mom and dad...

Dad went off to buy a beer, and little Johnny happened to spy the bull's cock flopping around beneath his belly.

"Mommy, mommy! What's that long thing beneath the bull's belly!?" Johnny asks, pointing.

Embarrassed, his mom looks away and mutters, "Oh, don't worry about that, Johnny. T...

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A man goes to a brothel, but all the prostitutes are busy

The manager tells him that all the women are at work right now, and all the men too. The only one not taken is Kolobok, a spherical piece of bread.

The man accepts, pays and takes Kolobok to a room. He holds it and turns it around and mutters to himself: "how do I fuck this, how do I fuck thi...

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A small town psychiatrist is visiting a big city asylum

The resident psychiatrist is giving him a tour of the facility.

As they walk down the hallway they come to the first door on the left and the small town psychiatrist asks if he can take a look.

The resident psychiatrist says sure so they walk over and look through the little window ...

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How to cure Snoring (Dog & Husband version)

A couple has a dog who snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

'Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snori...

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An 85 year old man wanted to spice up his marriage

He went to a lingerie shop to get a sexy lingerie for his 80 year old wife. He got an expensive one and went home.

Later that night he gave it to his wife and told her to put it on. She went to the bathroom to put it on and found out that it was too small for her. She thought “He does not hav...

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A burly sailor gets brought into an infirmary staffed by a bunch of postulate nuns, girls barely 18 preparing to become full nuns, and of course, supervised by a few gruff looking nuns.

Being good Catholics in a small Newfoundland seaside town, such oddities rarely found their way to their front door. The elder nuns insisted that only they would attend to him. The next evening there was a crash and a scream!! The sister ran out the door as fast as she could.

Sister Marry Cla...

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The Princess Royal is being shown around a military hospital.

As she approaches one of the beds the soldier blushes red and tries to hide under the sheet, but HRH is having none of it, and she asks the RSM showing her round: "What is this man's ailment, sergeant-major?".

"Haemorrhoids, ma'am!" says the RSM crisply. HRH curves a well-mannered eyebrow whi...

Downsizing

I was moving books off of a shelf with my wife. In an effort to help our downsizing and cleaning efforts, I asked her if she had read the book Fahrenheit 451. Apparently not hearing me, she muttered “damn I better get rid of these books.” Understanding her carefully worded cue that she had read it, ...

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Wishes

A young girl was passing her teenage sister's bedroom door when she heard her sister talking. She opened the door slightly and saw her sister lying naked in bed and moaning. One hand was between her legs and the other was on her breasts, She rubbed herself vigorously as she muttered, "God I need a m...

Four buddies caught up for coffee many years after high school. Each bragging to the other how successful and wealthy they’ve become.

The first guy said, “See that bank building across the street? I am going to buy it within the next six months.”

The second guy then said, “See that hotel building next to the bank? I am going to buy it within the next month.”

Not wanting to lose out, the third guy quickly said, “See t...

Jesus and Moses were playing some Golf

As they approached one particular hole, a short Par 3, with a pond where the hole was located right at the edge of the pond.

You know, Moses, this hole is designed just like hole 15 at Pinehurst. I once watched Jack Nicholas use a 9 iron to get a hole in one here!

As he pulled out his...

Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”



His roommate replies, “Canadian.”



Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”



The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”



Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommat...

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A wealthy man suspects his wife is cheating on him..

A wealthy man suspects his wife is cheating on him. He decides he'd call in during his work day and try to catch his wife in the act. A woman's voice answers the phone, "Hello?"

"Hello? Who is this?" the man replies. The voice responds, "I'm the housekeeper. I was hired this morning. Sh...

Doctor Doctor

A newly graduated doctor opened a clinic with a novel idea to bring in patients. If he were able to solve the patient’s problem he would charge them $500. However, if he couldn’t treat the patient, he would give them $1,000.


The new doctor was soon making more money than the old doctor’s ...

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At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts.

When the meeting ends, Marshal Georgy Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking asshole with a mustache!" It just so happens that Stalin's secretary, Alexander Poskrebyshev hears this. So being a loyal servant to the cause, he reports it to his boss. St...

So I went to this Vietnamese Resturaunt

...when I saw some patrons stomp out angrily muttering about someone being rude.  It smelled so good I was undeterred.  There was a soup station where they put it all together in front of you.  I asked the host how.it worked and he pointed and said "pho queue over there"

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A man walked into a forest..

He spoke to the Oak Tree: Your branches come over each other, twisting and turning. I feel inclined to ask you why?


The Oak Tree replied: Thank you for asking! These branches house the nests of birds, and gives plentiful wood for you humans! I can allow you to take them if you like. <...

Two scientists walk into a bar.

The first man says “I’ll have H2O please.”

The bartender replies “Sure thing, and you?”

The second man says “I’ll have H2O aswell please.”

The bartender turns around and mutters to himself “Dammit, I’ll get him next time.”

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An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wished to deposit i...

Guy got so drunk he blew chunks (vomited)

A bartender overhears a guy in the bar bragging to his friends about how he is going to "tie one on" About 10 minutes later the guy walks up to the bar and asks for a 40 pounder of tequila. The bartender says to him I'll make you a deal, if you drink that whole bottle of tequila before you leave h...

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Johnny is a sponge

One night a mother and father get into a heated argument.

"You bitch!" Screams the dad.
"You're a selfish prick" the mom replies.

Their little boy Johnny pipes up with "what do those words mean mommy and daddy?" Thinking quickly the dad says "I was just calling your mother a lady, ...

So, Moses and Jesus are playing golf ...

One day Moses and Jesus were playing golf. They were at the tee of a beautiful par 3, with a lake right in the middle of the fairway. Moses selects a 5 iron, tees-up his ball and swings. His ball sails very high and lands in the middle of the lake. He mutters to himself and tees-up a second ball, th...

In Soviet Russia a teacher asks the pupils who is their favourite hero

In Soviet Russia a teacher asks the pupils who is their favourite hero. Vovochka raises his hand and replies "Lenin!". He gets rewarded with highest mark but mutters under his breath "sorry Winnetou but business is business.".

3 nuns are travelling in a bus when it crashes...

All of the nuns died instantly, and find themselves standing in front of the Pearly Gates, where St Peter is waiting for them.

He said to the nuns, "Before I can let you in to heaven you each have to answer a question."

To the first nun, St Peter asks "Where did Adam meet the first wo...

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three large bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter.The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man’s milk and then he took a seat at the counter.The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man’s plate, and then h...

Black Friday

It's Black Friday, and at the local Best Buy, people are lining up around the block. A well-dressed man comes to the front of the line and is beaten up by the people in the line. He tries again and is knocked down. He then mutters "if people will be like that, I'm not opening the store."

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The teacher asked the hottest girl in my math class to divide 13,939,393,938 by 2.

The student got to work, and as she did, her breathing became deeper and more rapid. A pink blush appeared on her cheeks and she clutched the pencil more tightly as she wrote. The class was stunned as we watched her begin to writhe in her seat. Soon she began to moan and mutter, "oh, my God!" Still,...

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral,

a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork."

A dog walks into a telegraph office

It is a quiet Friday noon in New York and a young telegrapher is minding his business when the bell on the door suddenly chimes and a dog walks in.

The telegrapher looks perplexed as the dog hands him a piece of paper and says in perfect English: “Hello sir. I would like to send that to my f...

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A pretty and sexy woman was eating ice cream

A man comes near her and says:
-Madam, may I ask you a favor, but I am pretty sure you'll misunderstand me. Woman responds:
-Oh sir, no problem just say it.

"Can I lick it for once?" the man says.
"Oh, of course, here you are" answers the woman and passes the ice cream to man.
...

A man is jumping over some railroad tracks.

He's jumping from side to side over top of them, muttering under his breath each time he lands, "Twenty-one."

"Twenty-one, twenty-one, twenty-one."

Another man walks up next to him. "Hey, what are you doing?"

"I'm jumping over the railroad tracks. Want to join me?"

"Sure!...

A leopard is walking through the jungle when he sees a lost dachshund in the distance...

He stealthily begins to stalk up on him, intent on making a meal of him. However, the dachshund catches a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye. Knowing that there's no way he can win a footrace against a leopard, he decides to employ other tactics; he sits down by a nearby pile of bones. Once...

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A Western Omelet

A retired man walks into his favorite diner after it just reopened from a long COVID-19 shuttering, eager to resume his daily routine of breakfast, coffee and reading the newspaper. A new waitress approaches greets him and explains that new contactless policy that eliminates the old plastic laminate...

An enormously popular and beloved Pope, after a long reign, dies and, naturally, goes to heaven.

He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available.

The pope, having always loved the bible, decides that he wants to read all of the original records of God's communications with humanity before they were re...

Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, ...

... arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician
claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that
it was surprisingly high.


"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math que...

Nate the Snake (Long)

There once was an island in the middle of the ocean, shaped somewhat like a dog bone, with two populated ends separated by a long narrow strip of land with a highway connecting the two ends of the island.

Oddly enough, the entire island was held up from sinking into the ocean by a big lever,...

3 Docs needed…

A Doctor was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang.

The doctor calmly answered it, and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We have already opened an 18 year old RAR...

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Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner....

When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husban...

Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training...

When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him. 


The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle. 


So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangid...

A husband and a wife have four children. The oldest three are tall with blonde hair; the youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said, “honey, can you be completely honest with me? Is our youngest son mine?” The wife said, “I swear to all that is holy, he is your son.”

Then the husband died, and his wife muttered, “thank god he didn’t ask about the other three.”

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Spotted Snakes

I read this a long time ago.

A Captain takes over a command during WW2 in the middle of the Pacific.

As he is looking through the reports, he finds morale in the basement, a few desertions, and the base is rampant with STD's.

He calls his top Sergeant in for an explanation. The...

Dave was walking along the beach and saw a beautiful lamp wash up.

He rubbed it and a marvelous Genie popped out and his mother-in-law, Cathy, appeared.

The Genie stated, you have three wishes, but be careful what you wish for.. and whatever you get, your mother-in-law will get double. Cathy snickered at him and started rubbing her hands together. "It's abou...

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