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There was this woman sitting on a park bench muttering to herself and spitting. She would mutter then spit, mutter then spit. As a man got closer he heard her say "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive" then spit "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive" then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive" then spit.

He sits down next to her and asks "What's going on here? You keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit".

“Well" says the gal "my boyfriend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say 'sure, why not?' He picks me up and w...

In a certain politician's dreams, Franklin Delano Roosevelt appears. The politician asks him "What can I do to make America great again?". FDR responds "Do everything for the people". The politician wakes up startled, and mutters "Lies!" under his breath. The next night,

George Washingon appears in the dreams of the politician.

He asks "What can I do to make America great again?", to which GW responds "Never tell a lie".

The politician wakes up startled, and curses under his breath.

The next night, Abraham Lincoln appears in the politician's...

A drunk man staggers into an empty church. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the big crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he's right underneath it, he waves his bottle around and starts screaming at it...

"YOU! S'all YOUR fuggin' fault!" he screams. "I los' ma job, ma wife lef' me, ma kids ran 'way, and today ma dog died! Jus' you wait! I'ma come back with ma shotgun and give ya what for!"

And then he leaves, cursing and shouting all the way.

Meanwhile, the priest has been hiding in the...

God boomed, "Adam, this is Eve!! You are to love her forever!" Adam replied, "Okay, but who is he?" God shrugged and muttered...

"Oh, that's Keith Richards. He was here when I got here."

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest...

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read.

After a few minutes the man tu...

A man was walking along the road when he saw a Native American with his ears to the ground, muttering words.

The man walked over and listened to what the Native American was saying.


The Native American was muttering: "Big minivan, blue Honda, man driving with dog, Colorado license plate, travel 125 mile a hour."



The man was surprised and asked the Native American how he knows th...

A Trump supporter dies and goes to the pearly gates…

There he sees St Peter and gets excited and walks towards the pearly gates.

St. Peter says, "I want you to know, on the whole you were a good person, that's why you're going in. But we almost had to send you to hell because you voted for Trump."

"What do you mean? Trump is the best pre...

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A grammar book walks into a bar

* An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

* A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

* A bar was walked into by the pass...

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.....

...in a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

* The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
* The bouncer is a blonde girl.
* I'm a 6...

A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”

The man on his left says, ...

The Italian Boss’ sudden Inspection

James gets a job at an Italian restaurant. He finds his boss to be extremely unsettling. He is old, very stern and demanding.

He takes the job anyway because he is desperate to make money.

One day, strange men in suits walk in 5 minutes before closing time. Unlike anyone he’s ever seen...

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A Western Omelet

A retired man walks into his favorite diner after it just reopened from a long COVID-19 shuttering, eager to resume his daily routine of breakfast, coffee and reading the newspaper. A new waitress approaches greets him and explains that new contactless policy that eliminates the old plastic laminate...

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Four buddies are standing around a barbecue...

They are all married and somehow the conversation shifts to how often each of them gets to have sex with their wives.

The first guy looks at his shoes and mutters “my wife only lets me have sex with her on the first Friday on the month.”

The next guy pipes up, “my wife and I have sex ...

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A Couple Has a Dog That Snores.

Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says.


A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and t...

3 Nuns appear before St. Peter at the gates of Heaven.

Upon seeing the three, Peter states: "As I see that all three of you are women of faith. I see no reason to even look up the sins of your life to assess your worthiness to enter Heaven. However, I must test your faith by each asking you one question to see your knowledge of the holy book."

Th...

A well-dressed man walks into a bar.

He takes a seat at the bar, and the bartender asks, "What'll you have?"

"I'd like a shot of 25-year-old scotch, neat."

The bartender was too lazy to go into the stockroom for 25-year-old scotch, and he figured the man wouldn't know the difference, so he poured a shot of 8-year-old scot...

Poor daddy

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and brown eyes.

The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said “Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son tru...

As the teacher marked my quiz answers, she suddenly stopped, looked up at me and shook her head in utter disappointment. With cold, dead eyes, she muttered, "This is wrong." Mouth dry, I whispered, "Question 2?"

She snarled, "No, the way your hand is resting between my thighs."

I once met a crazed man muttering incoherently about Ancient Mesopotamia

But I had to stop him, because I didn’t want him to Babylon

Soviet Russia

A depressed man is walking on the street muttering: "Out of milk, out of eggs, out of meat..."

A member of the police force approaches him: "Shut up or I'll wack you across the head with my gun."

"...Out of ammo"

Saw my cousin walking down the street

Her dog got its foot stuck in a drain. I asked her if she needed help dealing with it. She told me to flip off. What a ungrateful brat, I muttered while putting my gun in its holder.

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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

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Paddling down the river...

A Marine was lost in the Amazon. He managed to find a river with a canoe on the banks. He jumped in and started paddling down the river to find a settlement and a way home. As he was paddling, God was in Heaven watching him. God said to an Angel "Watch that Marine row. He has been going for 3 d...

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confu...

There was a hunter who lived alone in the middle of the forest, in a small house by the river..

A short distance down a slope in front of his house, he had a garden where he would grow vegetables to supplement his diet of forest game and fish.


One morning, he awoke to the sounds of a thunderstorm and rushing water. Quickly getting dressed and stumbling outside, he saw the river ...

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A gambler dies and goes to haven...

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on t...

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Getting Old

An older couple is driving down to Florida from New Jersey for the winter. The old lady, who has lost much of her hearing, is pulled over at the Florida state line for driving at a high rate of speed.

The officer approaches the vehcile, looks in and asks the lady, "do you know that I clocked ...

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An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wanted to deposit i...

I saw this guy today muttering "1,3,5,7,9..." under his breath.

I thought he was odd.

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WW2 Joke

Here's a joke I just learned (paraphrasing)

A Soviet General is walking out of the staff office after meeting Stalin to discuss plans for fighting the Germans

as he leaves the guard at the door hears him mutter under his breathe "murderous mustache" he enters the room and tells Stalin<...

The Dog Fight

The Israeli Dog vs. The Arab Dog

  
The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fi...

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A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia ." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and
figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you d...

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There was a woman who owned a parrot

The woman was gonna go to the supermarket so she told her parrot “if someone comes over, tell me who it was”
And so she left

A few minutes later someone was knocking at the door. The parrot asked “who is it?”
The person said “it’s me, the mailman.”

“...”

He knocked again ...

Two scientists walk into a bar.

The first man says “I’ll have H2O please.”

The bartender replies “Sure thing, and you?”

The second man says “I’ll have H2O aswell please.”

The bartender turns around and mutters to himself “Dammit, I’ll get him next time.”

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A brash American tourist got seated next to a Chinese man in a plane.

Mid flight, the Chinese man ordered for a marmalade sandwich. The American could not contain his curiosity so he struck up a conversation with his seatmate.

"You enjoyin' that sandwich, pal?" he asked

"Yes" politely answered the Chinese man after he took a bite and made a few chews....

A woman lives in an apartment with three neighbors on her floor

One night while taking a shower, the door bell rings.

She puts on a towel, gets out, and looks through the door's peephole.

It's her neighbor who's a fireman. She opens the door.

"Hey, Just wanted to let you know I put out my first fire!" he exclaims.

"Congratulations!" S...

An Aussie walks into a British pub...

An Aussie walks into a British pub, saunters up to the bar and orders two beers: one for him and one for his four-legged friend. As the barman places the beers on the counter he glances at the beast lying at the Aussie's feet. The barman raises one eyebrow and says "That is surely the ugliest dog I...

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Poor old Jim finds out his wife is cheating with his best friend.

He wants to hire a hitman to put an end to their affair. The private investigator Jim hired recommends a guy who's supposedly the top in the field. Jim only has a few thousand dollars in savings, though, after the lengthy surveillance campaign, and he worries it won't be enough.

"That's okay,...

Dave was walking along the beach and saw a beautiful lamp wash up.

He rubbed it and a marvelous Genie popped out and his mother-in-law, Cathy, appeared.

The Genie stated, you have three wishes, but be careful what you wish for.. and whatever you get, your mother-in-law will get double. Cathy snickered at him and started rubbing her hands together. "It's abou...

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Once upon a midnight dreary

Once upon a midnight dreary,

While I pron surfed,

Weak and weary,

Over many strange and spurious of ‘hot xxx galore’

While I clicked my fav’rite site,

Suddenly there came a warning,

And my heart was filled with a mourning,

Mourning for my dear amo...

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, One guy looks at the other and says,"I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dub...

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A man walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

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Dog Years Are Bullshit

Dog years are bullshit. My dogs 10 and she still chases tennis balls when I throw them. When my grandma was 70 and I threw a tennis ball and told her to get it she smacked me in the head and walked away muttering.

A dog walks into a bar....

Orders whiskey, bartender says “we don’t allow dogs in here”. Undeterred, the dog repeated his request. “Last warning dog” says the barkeep. The dog still doesn’t leave, the bartender pulls a pistol and shoots the dog in the foot. The dog whimpers and hobbles out.

A couple weeks later throug...

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My take on a shaggy dog story

A man walks into a bar, orders a pint and sees a sign pinned up above the till - “talking cat, going cheap.”

He calls the barman over and asks him what the deal with the cat is and can he have a look at it. The man shrugs, goes into the back and returns with a mangy old Tom cat.

“Here ...

A man walks into an Apple store

A man walks into an Apple store and begins to browse some of the items. He looks at phones, then the computers. He finally decides to go to the tablets. In this area, there were a lot more people than in other places.

Suddenly, he released a massive fart that everybody in a 30 ft radius heard...

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A priest goes golfing with his sailor buddy one day..

A priest goes golfing with his sailor buddy one day..

The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "Fuck, I missed." Surprised, the priest replied, "Don't use that kind of language or god will strike you down."

The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and un...

A priest goes out practice golfing and has an altar boy caddy for him.

Right off the first tee the priest immediately hooks the ball into a sand trap. He mutters, "God Dammit!!!" The shocked altar boy says, "Father! Isn't that blasphemy?" The priest says, "Awww I'm a priest, he'll forgive me."
On the second tee he hits a bad slice, the ball bounces off a tree and ...

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Spotted Snakes

I read this a long time ago.

A Captain takes over a command during WW2 in the middle of the Pacific.

As he is looking through the reports, he finds morale in the basement, a few desertions, and the base is rampant with STD's.

He calls his top Sergeant in for an explanation. The...

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Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”



His roommate replies, “Canadian.”



Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”



The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”



Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommat...

A man went to an art museum

And, as fate would have it, he happened to be in the Impressionist gallery when an earthquake struck. The walls began to shake, and, instinctively, he stuck out his limbs to try to secure himself. When the dust had settled, he found himself stepping on a painting of several dancers, which was precar...

A director of an insane asylum is concerned about how full the asylum is getting and decides to make some space

He consults with the doctors and they create a plan to figure out who needs to stay and who is sane enough to be allowed back into the public. They empty out the swimming pool and gather all the patients round.

"Whoever can swim 2 lengths of this pool will be allowed to leave the asylum" say...

The Pope at Heaven's Gate ...

(a freely translated joke of my grandma - the translation might not be perfect)

... St. Peter opens the gates and asks the pope for his name.

"I am the pope" he answers. "The pope?" Peter mutters "I am sorry, but I don't have a pope in my book."

"But I am God's deputy on earth, ...

A man is walking past an insane asylum.

As he passes the yard (which was surrounded by a high fence), he heard many voices from within chanting “seven, seven, seven” over and over again. He’s very curious as to why the patients could be chanting this number so he looks through a gap in the fence planks to have a look. Before he can see an...

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

TIFU by taking my girlfriend to a food themed costume orgy.

Obligatory didn't happen today, but a few weeks ago, me and my girlfriend decided to spice up our relationship by going to an orgy. A mutual friend of ours gave us the adress, and told us to wear costumes. I was broccoli, my girlfriend was a tomato.

When we arrived, the door was unlocked. Th...

Two long time friends, Ollie and Brock, woke up early for work as they always do.

They each got into their trucks and headed to the local Ag plant where they work as produce haulers.

"What do you have for us today Flower?" asked Brock as they walk in. Their secretary’s real name is Ava but they always jokingly call her Flower.

"Well we've got three shipments that a...

3 nuns are travelling in a bus when it crashes...

All of the nuns died instantly, and find themselves standing in front of the Pearly Gates, where St Peter is waiting for them.

He said to the nuns, "Before I can let you in to heaven you each have to answer a question."

To the first nun, St Peter asks "Where did Adam meet the first wo...

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Little Johnny goes hunting (long)

One day little Johnny is walking down the street past the Old mans house carrying a roll of chicken wire.

The old man calls out from the rocking chair on his porch "What'ya got there boy?".

Little Johnny says back "I got me chicken wire! I'ma gonna catch me some chickens!".

The ...

A mother gets dressed to go shopping and puts on her new fur coat.

Her little daughter notices the new fur coat and mutters "that poor creature must have suffered alot..."

*Mother*: "Don't talk about your father like that !"

The tough CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!


The CEO ...

I was a very happy man and was about to get married. There was just one thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia. My prospective sister in law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts and generally was Bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got a nice view. It had to be deliberate, she never did it around anyone else.

One day, ...

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Little Johnny went to his first rodeo with his mom and dad...

Dad went off to buy a beer, and little Johnny happened to spy the bull's cock flopping around beneath his belly.

"Mommy, mommy! What's that long thing beneath the bull's belly!?" Johnny asks, pointing.

Embarrassed, his mom looks away and mutters, "Oh, don't worry about that, Johnny. T...

"Someone slept on my bed" -Said Mommy Bear

"Who hasn't " -Muttered Daddy Bear

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The Christmas Frog

I was walking on the beach and remembered this joke from a long time ago…

A wife is shopping for a Christmas present for her husband, and as with many couples, she had no idea at all what to get.

She is walking past a pet store, when the sign in the window catches her eye; “Christmas ...

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

Hydrogen peroxide except it's funny

Two chemists walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What can I get you?"
The first chemist responds, "I'd like some H2O."
The second chemists says, "I'd like some H2 — wait, we aren't at work, why'd you say it like that? I'd like some water too, please."
The first chemist mutters to himself,...

Salty Pete The Pirate

So, Salty Pete the pirate hobbles into the bar one night. I mean, he's so piratey. He's got a parrot on his shoulder, an eye patch, the peg leg and hook for a hand, and he for some reason has the helm of his ship stuck to his nether regions.

Anyway, he hobbles up to the bar and tosses down...

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A distressed but attractive woman stands at the edge of a cliff,

trying to get up the nerve to jump.



A passing hobo stops and says "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"



The woman replies, "Get away from me, you sicko!"



The bum turns to leave and mutters "Fine, I'll just go wa...

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The fastest thing in existence.

Three friends, sitting around a table, enjoying a little time together over a couple of drinks.

At some point, one says:

"The fastest thing there is? Thought. Only takes a moment and there it is: an idea.''

"Nope. Electricity is the fastest thing there is; a flick of a switch a...

Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training...

When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him. 


The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle. 


So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangid...

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[Long] A guy walks into a bar and demands 3 shots of tequila. Bartender obliges and says, "rough day?". "You have no idea!", the guy replies as he slams down the shots...

He begins telling him about his horrible day when a jar full of money at the end of the bar catches his eye. "What's that jar of money for over there? It's full to the brim of $10's and $20's!"

Bartender tells him it's a challenge he offers to his patrons, $10 to play, and you have to complet...

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The Terrible Legend of Bahuda

Three explorers are making their way through a one of those generic jungles that always shows up in these sorts of jokes, when they are suddenly ambushed by a tribe of massive cannibals. (That's "massive" in the sense that they are very large, although they are also particularly passionate about eat...

This sub is the most representative sub on this platform.

Cause after a minute of scrolling, you start muttering: Reddit, Reddit, Reddit...

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An old Soviet joke

Stalin invited General Zhukov into his office for a conference, and yells at him for 2 hours regarding the war's slow progress.



As Zhukov steps out of the office, he mutters under his breath, "that damn mustachioed son of bitch!"



Unfortunately, he is overheard by Stalin...

My husband talks in his sleep. Unfortunately, he also snores, so I sometimes give him the wifely elbow. “What?!” he demanded one night, still mostly asleep. “Turn over—you’re snoring,” I said.

My husband talks in his sleep. Unfortunately, he also snores, so I sometimes give him the wifely elbow.
“What?!” he demanded one night, still mostly asleep.
“Turn over—you’re snoring,” I said.
He did as instructed and while doing so muttered, “That’s nothing; you should hear my wife snore.”

A guy is crawling through the desert, about to die of thirst and he comes across a magic talking snake...

The snake tells the guy his name is Nate and he'll happily grant him three wishes, so the guy asks for water. Nate slaps his tail on the ground and a gallon of fresh, pure water appears, which the guy proceeds to drink.

"What's your second wish?" Nate asks. The guy thinks for a second and say...

A leopard is walking through the jungle when he sees a lost dachshund in the distance...

He stealthily begins to stalk up on him, intent on making a meal of him. However, the dachshund catches a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye. Knowing that there's no way he can win a footrace against a leopard, he decides to employ other tactics; he sits down by a nearby pile of bones. Once...

Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, ...

... arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician
claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that
it was surprisingly high.


"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math que...

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Fucking asshole with a mustache

At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts. When the meeting ends, Marshal Georgy Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking assh...

Three men are lost in the desert with no supplies, when the devil appears before them.

The devil looks at their skin and bones, their cracked lips, and says, “I see you’re in a bit of a rough spot. I can help you - let’s play a little game. You each get one chance to name a task I can’t do. If you succeed, I’ll save you.”

The first man immediately replies, “I bet you can’t buil...

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I think some of my coworkers must be gay.

Every time I walk past, I hear those mutter, “What an ass.”

A dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a jogger asks...

The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, "Nope."

As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger's legs.

As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The old man...

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In the middle of a summer, Bubba and Billy Ray are fishing in a lake, while a tourist on water skis keeps doing circles around their boat...

Bubba eyes the tourist, and, after a while, mutters:

"That guy sure's scarin' away all them fish with that racket..."

"Sure is," Billy Ray agrees.

"Say," Bubba suggests, "why don't we smack an oar next time he passes us, an' splash him?"

Billy Ray likes the idea, and they...

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An Englishman, an Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar..

They sit down together and order some pints.
As they're about to take their first drink a fly lands in each of their mugs.
The Englishman turns up his nose in disgust and pushes his mug away.. muttering to himself as he orders another pint.
The Irishman fishes the fly out, kisses it on the...

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A warlock, a cleric, and a sorcerer walk into a bar.

They order a few too many drinks and all begin boasting about their magic abilities, arguing over whose are better. Unable to agree who is the strongest, they decide that the best way to settle it is to have a contest.


Whoever can get them kicked out of the bar wins.


The warlo...

I worked at a movie theater for five days

Despite my short time working there, I'll never forget one customer. On my first day there, I watched him enter the theater to watch the latest summer blockbuster. A few hours later, he walked out, looking a little frustrated. It was my first day, and I wanted to be helpful, so I went up to him and ...

So a blonde goes to a lying competition

The goal of the competition is to tell the most convincing, outrageous lie. The blonde thinks for days and days over what lie she is going to tell but she is never able to come up with a good one.

On the day of the competition, she walks up on stage, still lacking a good lie. She reaches for ...

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Robin Hucking

I once knew a guy named Robin. Robin Hucking. Yes, Robin. He hated his name. Everyone called him Hucking, or Huck.



Great guy. Best friend I ever had. Right up to the day he died.



Hucking did have one problem. He was a high rise construction worker with a bad case of acr...

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Guy named Eddie walks into the men's room at a bar.

As he's standing at a urinal, another fellow walks up to a nearby urinal. Eddie glances over and notices the other guy has no arms; both of the sleeves of his jacket are empty and folded over. Armless guy says to Eddie, "Hey buddy, do you think you could help me out?"

"What can I do for you?"...

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A friend told me this, and he might have got it from reddit so this might be a repost but here it goes [Long]

3 best friends decide to travel to an lonely little island somewhere near the Bahamas in the hopes of having a relaxing camping trip, for old time’s sake.

They arrive by water plane, and the pilot informs them that he’ll be returning to pick them up the next day. The men, happy to finally be ...

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An Scottish man walks into a bar, looking depressed.

He sits down at the bar and orders a shot. The bartender hands it to him, and he downs it in one go, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and scowling. The bartender, knowing from years of experience that this man must obviously have something he needs to get off his chest, begins buffing a gl...

A man on vacation in the Caribbean decides to go horseback riding.

He visits a local farm that rents horses to ride around the countryside. The owner of the horse, a very religious man, explains to the visitor that in order to make the horse go, he’ll have to say “Thank God,” and to make the horse stop, he should say “Amen.”

During his ride around the villa...

We fear no wives

Three guys are sitting in a bar. Suddenly the first guy’s phone rings, he immediately answered it then without saying anything he ran out the door only to rush back, quickly throws 10-dollar bills on the bar while muttering, “Damn I forgot to do the dishes, the wife’s on the way home.” Then he ran f...

Sometimes I wish was a lawyer.

Then I wish that I was defending a Penguin.

This way I could one day stand in front of a judge and mutter the words "Clearly, your Honor, my client is not a flight risk!"

After years of saving Saul finally had enough money to get his eye transplant in China

His wife was opposed to the idea on moral grounds. His brother was worried he might lose what little sight he had now. His friends were worried that what he was doing wasn't entirely legal.

He dismissed them all one by one and finally bought his ticket and set off with grim determination. <...

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James is suffering from severe headaches. [Long]

For as long as he can remember, he's had debilitating headaches that have hampered his life in every way. He finally seeks medical help. After some tests, the doctor returns:

"James, I don't know quite how to say this. It seems your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine, pi...

Few months after their parents divorce, little Johny came home early ..

And heard moaning sounds coming from his mom's bedroom.

He peeked in and saw his mom completely naked and rubbing her crotch moaning " oh god, I need a man ,oh god, I need a man " .

Little Johny ignored it and left .

Few days later , when little Johny came home early , he heard ...

A man was sent to Hell for his sins.

As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful woman.

"What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer spends it with that gorgeous woman."

Jabbing the man...

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Parking officers funeral

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at the parking officers funeral, A voice from inside screams " I'm not dead! I'm not dead! Let me out!"

The vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air in through his teeth and mutters

"Too fucking late pal, already done the paperwork."

Jesus, Moses, and a Bearded Man are playing golf

Jesus starts the game. He hits the ball as hard as he can and it heads straight towards the lake. However, instead of sinking, the ball rolls on the surface of the water. Jesus walks on the lake, hits the ball, and gets it into the hole.

Next is Moses' turn. He hits the ball as hard as he...

A man goes to a wizard to get his fortune read. (antijoke)

He arrives at the wizard's tower and ascends the cobblestone stairs to face the large oak door. After knocking on the door, a raspy voice answers from within.

"What do you want? I'm rather busy and have no time for pests."

The man responds, uncertainly, "I wish for you to read my fortu...

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